In a stunning BeachBum exclusive, I have been handed the official transcript of the negotiations between former President Bill Clinton and North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Il.
Breaking internet news here, people. I would love it if some reputable news source links to this as actual news. It would make my life complete.
Plane lands at remote airport. President Clinton exits onto runway and exchanges awkward half bow, half 'reaching for hand shake' with Kim Jong-Il. During bow they both bump heads.
Jong-Il and Clinton tour his headquarters with Jong-Il pointing out the endless paintings and photographic portraits of himself. He has just appointed his own son as the next leader of North Korea and he is following obediently and silently behind the two men.
‘This is my favorite,’ Jong-Il points out a version of ‘Dogs Playing Poker’ with all the dogs replaced with his likeness. All of them are naked.
‘That is something,’ Clinton remarks in his slow, southern drawl. ‘But I would really like to get down to business, if you would be so kind. Hillary told me I need to be home by 9 pm Eastern Time as the tracking device she had planted in my scrotum does not have coverage on this side of the world. Serves her right for not getting the World Edition plan, eh, Kim?’
Both men laugh.
Jong-Il and Clinton sit down at a enormously expensive marble table that sits under a chandelier made entirely of diamonds.
Jong-Il: ‘Don’t let my people know about my luxuries, if you would be so kind. Two thirds of my country barely have enough to eat. Sucks to be them, eh?’
Three stunning Korean women enter with tea and assorted sweets. They set them down and proceed to setup lavish china for the men to enjoy their meals.
Clinton eyes them up and down. ‘Hey, now, Kim? Are these what pass for interns?’ He pats one on the ass.
Jong-Il turns cold, ‘These are my three youngest daughters.’
Clinton clears his throat, ‘Yeah, ok. Let’s get down to business. What’s it going to take for me to leave with those two reporters?’
Jong-Il: ‘Those women have broken the law. I cannot simply turn a blind eye to their offenses in my country.’
Clinton: ‘I understand. But it will reflect well if you release them. The world currently shares a piss poor view of you and this will go a long way towards remedying that.’
Jong-Il: “I don’t understand this term “piss poor”.’
Clinton: ‘They think you suck.’
Jong-Il: ‘Ah, yes, yes. I’m aware of this, but it does not bother me. My country men believe me to be universally loved.’
Clinton: ‘Why is that?’
Jong-Il: ‘Cause I tell them so.’
Clinton: ‘And they just believe it? Could you talk to Hillary for me and tell her I really did not have sexual relations with that woman?’
Jong-Il: Laughs long and loud. ‘Even I do not believe that.’
Clinton takes a sip of tea and spills some over the table while putting it back. ‘Oh, damn. Sorry about that.’ He takes napkin and tries to wipe it up, only it spills off the table onto Jong-Il’s pant leg.
Jong-Il: ‘You fool! These are $900 pants!’
Clinton: ‘Yeah, sorry about that, Kim,' he draws out his name sarcastically.
Jong-Il: ‘You mock my name?’
Clinton: ‘No, no, it’s fine.’ Long pause as Jong-Il’s aides clean his pants. ‘If you’re a girl,’ Clinton whispers under his breath.
Jong-Il: ‘What? I heard that!’
Clinton: Taking another sip of tea, ‘Yeah, whatev, Kim. Look how much for the women?’
Jong-Il: Stunned, ‘Excuse me?’
Clinton: Slipping into terrible Hispanic accent, ‘The women. How much for the women? How much for the reporters and the little girls?’
Jong-Il becomes still as do all the aides. They stare are Clinton in horror.
Clinton: Still in fake accent, ‘Your women. I want to buy your women. Sell them to me. Sell me your daughters and the reporters.’ Takes spoonful of jam and flicks an enormous glob onto chandelier.
Jung-Il: Enraged now, ‘How dare you come here – to my OWN PALACE – and disrespect me like this.’
Clinton: In own voice, ‘Look, you say no to me and I’ll come here every day. For breakfast…lunch…and dinner. Every day of the week.’ Takes a huge, ugly bite from a loaf of bread.
Jung-Il: ‘Ok, Ok. You got me. I’ll play.’
Clinton springs from his chair with broad smile: ‘Excellent! I’ve always had a fantasy about two Asian women on an airplane.’
As Clinton leaves, Jung-Il’s aides are behind him trying to address the situation: ‘Sir? Excuse me, sir? Sir!’
A defeated Jung-Il slumps in his seat and picks up bottle of wine while the aides continue: ‘SIR? EXCUSE ME, SIR!! SIR!!!!!’
Today’s distraction: A man who plays guitar with his mouth. Not like Hendrix, either. You really need to watch this. I’ve seen it and I still don’t believe it. Turn your volume down if at work.