Friday, August 14, 2009

Distractions Galore

I’m on vacation next week, so here are some random links, stories, thoughts, letters to occupy the vacuum.

- Two random events:

Random Event #1: I recently purchased the awesomely deranged and hard rocking new album from Future of the Left titled ‘Travels With Myself and Another’. If you like hilarious lyrics set to dark, frenetic punk music, you will love this.

One of the highlights of this album is a song called ‘You Need Satan More Than He Needs You’. Besides the title being the main chorus, there are lines like ‘Yeah, sure Satan rules, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be practical’, ‘Goddamn it’s going to rain, but I only brought my socks’, ‘It doesn’t look like a man, it doesn’t talk like a man, but does it fuck like a man?’ among other bizarre beauties.

Random Event #2: I stumbled across possibly the most insane dating show ever conceived the other night. It’s called ‘Dating In The Dark’ and it literally means two people stay in absolute darkness while they get to know each other. We view them through infrared cameras while they awkwardly try to forge some sort of ‘connection’.

Random note: I despise this new age term of ‘connecting’ with someone. ‘I definitely felt a connection with her’. ‘Yeah, we totally connected’. Of course you did. She hot and you’re horny. There’s the connection. Every time we have a conversation with someone we’re ‘connecting’. That’s why discussions used to be called ‘intercourse’. You connect with people at all levels every minute of the day. Some are good, some are bad, most are entirely forgettable. Please, let’s come up with a better word for the dating scene. I vote for ‘Stimulated’ because it could have so many levels of interpretation. Most of them dirty.

Anyway, how do these two events relate?

Well, during the 15 minutes I watched ‘Dating In The Dark’ one of the male contestants was using the confessional to explain that he was going to ‘share a song I wrote’ with the girl he was setup on a dark date with. Get it? It’s literally a blind date? Yeah, it’s as awful as it sounds.

Anyway, for one, brief, shining, beautiful moment I actually thought ‘Holy shit! What if it’s one of these bizarre songs like Future of the Left play?’ and I sat for about 5 minutes waiting for this dark date to take place.

Alas, he performed some lame ass, ‘I’m desperately trying to get laid’, pussy songs and my night was ruined.

Potentially one of the greatest moments in reality television history aborted by good taste and no balls.

Stupid television.


- I tend to go on autopilot when I commute to and from work. You know those phases where you think little and pay even less attention to your surroundings? Yesterday I’m absent mindedly admiring a girl’s ass who is walking in front of me and I think ‘Hey, that ass looks familiar. Is that _________?’ That’s right, I correctly identified a coworker strictly by how her ass moved as she walked. I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed so I’m going with proud.


- Dear Mr Francona: While I realize your loyalty towards players is often rewarded, exactly how long are you going to hinge your team’s playoff chances on an aging, painfully struggling designated hitter? While Boston loves Ortiz for what he’s done in the past, not one single person will blame you for benching him in order to play the best team we have. This is what your standard lineup should look like.

CF – Ellsbury
2B – Pedroia
3B – Youkalis
LF – Bay (welcome back, by the way)
DH – Martinez
1B – Kotchman
C – Varitek
RF - Drew
SS – Green/Lowrie/please get someone

Offensively and defensively this gives you the best chance to win. Plugging Lowell in at third and moving Youk to first will work, also. But you need to get Papi out of there. He’s a distraction and an albatross to this lineup.

Do something soon or the playoffs won’t even be in this conversation.

Thanks for listening.


- The best missing cat poster ever.

- Holy shit are people flipping the fuck out over Michael Vick signing a two year deal with the Eagles. Here is a text I received from a friend in Philly:

“I am thoroughly disgusted and embarrassed with the signing of Vick. You know I asked my father a few weeks ago if he thought ANY team would actually pick him up. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I don't know that I can be an eagles fan any more.”

This was followed up with a frown face.

All aboard! The over reaction train is getting ready to leave the station. Look, I get that treating animals with kindness and respect and love is necessary even if I have a hard time doing that to my own psychotic dog. I get that what he (and his people – everyone forgets he wasn’t the only one running this show but somehow wound up being the only one in jail) did was despicable. But Vick isn’t going back to teaching kindergarten. He’s playing football. Not exactly the breeding ground for society’s more productive members.

He’s done his time now let him get back to work. He’s lost two years, his reputation, tens of millions of dollars (possibly hundreds of millions), and any good will a majority of fans had towards him. I’m fairly sure that is just punishment.

There seems to be some irrational switch triggered when animals are involved. Nobody seems upset that Donte Stallworth (accidentally or not) killed a human being or that some athletes treat women like toilet paper (looking your way, Tennessee). As long as they smile and sign autographs and are nice to the fans and do occasionally charity work all is forgiven. But hurt an animal? Well, then, you should roast in eternal damnation.

Stepping off the soapbox now.


- Watched the Pats last night and had two thoughts

1: NFL in HD is fucking amazing. I thought baseball was transformed, but football is in another stratosphere. This may change my life.

2: Brady looked very good and I couldn’t be happier. Still want to see him take a hit, but last night was encouraging.


- New video has been released that caught that Hudson River collision. Accompanying the footage is news that two flight controllers were suspended after investigators found they were on the phone at the time of the crash. I have two questions.

First: Do pilots of even small planes really need someone to tell them ‘Dude, look out for that helicopter right in front of you!!!!’? I understand the big airliners need extra eyes and ears, but all this pilot needed to do was look straight ahead. The helicopter pilot could have looked around, too.

Second: Between this and the US Airways crash landing how much fuel is currently in the Hudson River right now? Could we set it on fire just to see?


- Some nail art. Yeah, it’s just like it sounds. Love the stripper pole one.


- Not to be outdone, here is some pencil art. Man, my kid’s teacher would kill for some of these. Pencils, that is. Not the actual art work.


- More proof the internet is an endless supply of self improvement (or self loathing depending on the site): Here are 100 (yup, 100) different online tools to teach yourself a musical instrument. Rock on!!


- Look out! It’s Cursor Chaos. Turn your volume down at work and it sounds like you’re simply typing out an email. Genius!


- An example of American Military arrogance with a great punchline.


- Need some excitement? Create your own fireworks.


- Finally, (I do have some work to do) here is your distraction for the week. It’s RedStar Fall and is one of those games that drive me insane and had to have been designed by an engineering expert. It’s still fun, though.

See you in two weeks.

3 comments:

thepowerof10 said...

Where you find these random addicting games, I'll never know. But I like them.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

You go on a lot of vacations, must be nice. FYI level 59 on crimson momentum is physically fucking impossible. Whoever invented that game just wasted about 2 hours of my day trying to finish that fucking game.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

Scratch that last comment just beat the game. That's pretty much the only thing I accomplished today at work.