Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Care for a bitch session?


Have a few things on my mind and want to purge them from my being in order to pave a nice, calm, smooth entry for my buddy’s new baby arriving around 10 am today. C-section is scheduled for 9:30 so he may be here before this is even posted. Friggin’ kid is estimated at over 10 pounds! No wonder they’re scheduling a section. Kid might go through puberty before it decides to come out on his own.

Let’s get to it.

Cold Sores: Woke up with one yesterday morning and had to thank wifey once again for passing these monstrosities on to me. I never got them until 10 years into our marriage. Wifey got them on a regular basis and I always kept my distance until they healed. She absentmindedly offered oral sex at one point when she was sporting one and I pushed her away hard enough to knock her off the bed. Awkwaaaard.

Apparently resistance is futile and I finally succumbed to the stupid things. It now seems one will pop up when I’m run down or fighting off a cold or flu. There is an ointment called Abreve which helps so I made a trip to the local drug store to pick some up only to be shocked by the crowd of people were also browsing the cold sore medicines. Are these things that wide spread? Damn! Herpes is the new pandemic! Why isn’t this on the news?

Speaking of…

H1N1 News Coverage: Yeah, once again every news source in the country is acting like we’re all doomed by this Swine Flu. My workplace currently has ‘Don’t Share’ and ‘How to Properly Wash Your Hands’ signs posted all over the office. As I said to our receptionist ‘Are we in kindergarten?’

New flash (get it?) – the Swine Flu isn’t even as deadly as the regular flu. In fact, the symptoms are exactly the same. How do you know you have the H1N1 and not the regular flu? You fucking don’t! It’s basically the same thing. Our boys’ pediatrician won’t even test for it any longer because they won’t treat it any differently than they would for the standard flu.

In other words the media is once again blowing things way out of proportion. They’re trying to create a pandemic of panic and over reaction rather than being sensible and rational about a simple virus.

Antibacterial Gels: I’ve railed on these before, but need to address it again because the news outlets are telling people to use these to prevent the spread of H1N1. Use of these is fine as long as it’s moderate and not the norm. Long term use does more harm than good. See, there are two kinds of bacteria (stop me if you’ve heard this before): good and bad. Those antibacterial soaps and gels kill both kinds. Which means the good bacteria your immune system plays with to stay in shape is wiped out, thus lowering your own body’s ability to fight off actual illnesses.

Wait, it gets worse. There is evidence that the appendix – previously thought to do nothing much – stores good bacteria and uses it when your body undergoes a serious health crisis. The appendix is basically an underground bunker for your body’s good bacteria. If you wash or wipe away all the good bacteria, your body will be woefully unprepared to fight off an actual illness.

The topper, of course, is research suggesting these gels aren’t any more effective than simply washing your hands with soap and warm water. So, just do that. Wash your hands before you eat, don’t use those gels and everything will be fine.

American Flag Clip Ons: You know the ones I’m talking about? Those mini flags that clip onto car windows and flap around like crazy while the car is moving? I have an irrational hatred of those things. Mainly because I don’t know what the people using them are trying to say. You’re in America? Congratulations. Are you showing how patriotic you are? How? By paying a buck ninety nine for cheap shit that was probably made in China? Nice work.

How many of those get lost when the driver accidentally rolls down the back window? If they fall off do they stop their cars and go get them or do they have a collection in the trunk? Do they have to burn them like real flags if they touch the ground? What about car washes? Do they have to take them off? Have arguments broken out between the Hispanic car wash employees and the ‘American’ drivers about removing them?

On the walk home yesterday I noticed a sparkling new Land Rover with a full size American flag hanging in the back window. I immediately thought ‘Of course you love America, you’re driving a fucking Land Rover!’ Then I thought about how that flag is probably a safety hazard as he couldn’t see out his back window.

I wish I were a cop sometimes.

John and Kate: The lead story in most news programs is the killer tsunami in Samoa. The one immediately following? John has been dropped from John and Kate Plus Eight. Let’s just cut the bullshit and title this ‘Eight Kids Fucked From Birth’.

The Biggest Loser: My wife loves this show and I appreciate that it’s trying to promote ideas on how to eat and live healthier. But for fuck sake do we really need to see these 400 pound men and women (oh, yes, women at 400 pounds) with no shirts on (the women wear sports bras, but there is little left to the imagination)? I know I don’t. Is there no budget for XXXXX t-shirts? If not, I’ll gladly donate some. Just tell me where to send them. At one weigh in my wife says ‘holy shit, he’s got bigger boobs than I do!’ I opened my mouth to contradict her, took a second look, and estimated that she was indeed correct. Hers look better on her body than his did, though. For which I’m entirely thankful.

2009 Boston Red Sox: How dare they celebrate last night. How dare they! After rolling over for yet another series in Yankee Stadium, they have continued their lackadaisical play against Toronto and have now lost 5 games in a row. This after dropping 2 of 4 to the single worst team in the AL. The only reason they clinched the Wild Card is because Texas is in an even worse free fall. I guess I should just be grateful Papelbon didn’t do his Irish step dance on the Fenway field last night.

And no, I’m not feeling real good about their playoff chances. Does anyone really think a team with a gimpy third baseman, three starters who are either hurt or have outright sucked this last month of the season, a DH hitting .230, and a team spirit that would embarrass Droopy will suddenly put it together and win the World Series?

'Let's go Red Sox'

(Let’s see if that does anything).

Pessimism: Monday night my buddy kept texting me during the Cowboys – Panthers game. He was 18 points behind me in fantasy and was playing Roy Williams and Nick Folk. The very first drive Folk shanked a makeable field goal. Immediately my phone goes off with ‘That’s it! I’m fucked. Watch, I’ll get 15 points instead of 18. Just watch’.

This was followed with ‘I want to punch a hole in the wall’. There were still eight minutes to go in the first quarter. My buddy, if you couldn’t tell, is a pessimist. One thing goes wrong and it’s all doom and gloom.

At the end of the night it turned out he was off in his prediction. He scored 16 points, not 15. Lost by 2 points and not 3. I woke to watch the highlights, which included Roy Williams have a perfect touchdown pass in both hands only to drop it.

On our league’s website my friend left a message for everyone to read. It said simply ‘BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’.

I’m betting there is a hole in his wall.

Today’s distraction: Help Little Wheel power up his robot city. Fun, creative and relatively short. So it won’t destroy your entire workday, just part of it.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Week 3 Postmortem

My life has changed forever.

Yesterday was my first Sunday with NFL Channel’s Red Zone and I am a changed man. Wifey ain’t too happy about it, but I’m fully in love.

In a nutshell, the Red Zone zips you from game to game (and I mean every single game) whenever a team is close to scoring. In NFL game standards the ‘Red Zone’ is from the 20 yard line to the end zone. Where most scoring plays take place. For the Red Zone channel, it’s whatever interesting play is going on at that moment. It’s not just limited to the '20 yards and in’ zone.

The best part is you only pay $6 a month for the service. Unlike DirecTV’s Season Ticket hooo haaa bullshit which (I believe) is over $200 for the season. Let’s face it, who could possibly watch all games at the same time?

Red Zone, I’m yours. You better not hurt me.

In a related note, wifey made her football season chili yesterday and I wound up eating way too much. Not sure what it is about her chili, but I always think I can squeeze in a second bowl, then spend the rest of the evening rubbing my fat stomach like a pregnant woman and forgoing any more beers. Not that I don’t want more beers, I’m just afraid I’ll explode and ruin the television. That would be bad. You’d think, at age 40, I’d learn my lesson but this happens every single time she makes chili.

Sadly, my Red Zone cherry popping was tainted by my worst fantasy week yet. Voters from last week’s post will be glad to know that LeSean McCoy was my highest scorer of the week. Yep, you read that right. He’s also the only one the scored a touchdown for me. Brees and Colston, Andre Johnson, Kevin Smith (who got hurt as a bonus), John Carlson (who did shit) and Vincent Jackson were all kept out of the end zone. Not right, I tell ya.

On the bright side, when will Brees throw for no TDs and under 200 yards in a game? Right, probably never. So I have the rest of the season to benefit from his vengeance.

Onto the games:

- While Brees killed me this week, I was very impressed with the Saints in general. Not only did they prove they could win without Brees tossing 5 touchdowns, they showed everyone two things:

1: They will not cater to getting Brees any sort of record. Winning is the only goal.

2: They are a surprisingly balanced team. Having a bad running day? They’ll throw it all over the field. Passing game off? They’ll run it down your throat. I know it’s early, but the Saints have to be considered a contender.

- Congratulations to Detroit for finally winning a game. You could feel the tension when Washington got close in the fourth quarter, but the Lions held tight and executed very well near the end of the game. Stafford sure showed signs he could be very good by looking calm while everyone around him seemed to be freaking out. Poise will be the word thrown around this week.

- Not sure if you heard, but Brett Favre threw a last second touchdown to win a game for the Vikings. If you were sick of hearing about Favre before, you ain’t seen nothing yet. That said, the play was damn impressive. Buying just enough time to allow his receivers to get free and putting the ball where only his guy could get it. Great catch by the receiver, too.

- While watching the Pats game yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder why they don’t run it more often. Fred Taylor showed he can still get it done, but they still had Brady (who, if you haven’t heard, is still recovering from knee reconstruction) throw it over 40 times. If you can run it, run it until the other team proves they can stop you. Constantly dropping Brady back and putting him in the cross hairs this early in the season is just asking for trouble. Balance it out, coach. Look to the Saints.

- I think the Titans might stink. You didn’t hear it from me.

- Matt Cassel, last year’s Patriots hero, threw for a total of 90 yards yesterday. That’s double – not triple – digits.

- Speaking of sucking, Tampa Bay totaled 86 yards in their game against the Giants. That’s TOTAL! Matt Cassel threw for more yards than their entire team gained IN TOTAL!!! That’s gotta be the holy shit stat of the week. Hey, that would make nice weekly entry. ‘The Holy Shit Stat of the Week’. Done and done.

- Again, speaking of sucking, the Cleveland Browns could be historically bad. Between Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson (who I shall now call Brady Anderson) their QBs threw for 115 yards and 4 interceptions. Who knew it would only take three games before Eric Mangini pined for the days of Brett Favre.

- In a related note, it sure looks like the Ravens could be the best team in football. They finally have an offense to go with that defense. Again, it’s early, but they look formidable. And, yes, Flacco has me convinced.

- After last night’s game I just don’t know what to make of the Cardinals. Usually that means they’ll be right around .500 by season’s end. Yep, that sounds right.

- I also got my first extended look at Donald Brown and he looked very impressive. I predict he takes Addai’s starting job in the next few weeks. I’m not technically proficient enough to explain what makes a good running back, but Brown seems to have that instinct on which cut to make at the exact right time. Let’s just say I won’t be dropping him any time soon.

- As a follow up to last week, I dropped Carolina’s defense and picked up Denver. Great call as they played Oakland and wracked up three sacks, two interceptions and one fumble recovery to provide the most stunning fantasy stat of the year: My defense outscored my quarterback. And my quarterback is Drew Fucking Brees!!!

- Score at halftime: Houston 21 Jacksonville 17. Andre Johnson heavily involved. In second half the Texans score a whopping 3 points while Johnson is a non factor. I’m no genius but it certainly seems like Houston needs to find ways to get Andre involved as often as possible. When he’s productive and targeted the Texans do very well. When he’s not, they do poorly. Cause and effect?

- Game that told us nothing (we didn’t already know) about either team: Packers 36 Rams 17.

- Most impressive loss: San Fran nearly beating the Vikings in Minnesota. One last second prayer from being 3-0.

- Most impressive win: Bengals 23 Steelers 20. Is this Bengals team for real?

- Least impressive win: Bears 25 Seahawks 19. Chicago has won two in a row and hasn’t impressed me in either game. Seattle deserved to lose just for wearing those eye bleeding jerseys. Who thought those were a good idea? Was Seneca Wallace blinded by them?

- Still not sure what to make of the Chargers except that Vincent Jackson is a stud.

Now that we’ve had a sampling of what these teams can do, let’s figure out where teams stand.

Best: Giants, Ravens, Jets (yes, I’m convinced), Saints, and Colts.

Middle of the Pack: Vikings (no, not convinced), 49ers, Patriots, Eagles, Cowboys, Packers, Falcons, Bengals, Chargers.

Jury Still Out: Jaguars, Texans, Seahawks, Steelers, Buffalo, Cardinals, Bears, Panthers (should know more tomorrow), Detroit (I know!), Titans (giving them the benefit of doubt for now)

Crapapalooza: Rams, Raiders, Redskins (who could be even worse than we know), Bucs, Browns, Dolphins (who may be better than we know), Chiefs.

The Question Mark: Broncos. Here’s my confusion: They’re 3-0, but they’ve played what I originally considered an extremely easy schedule. Bengals, Browns, Raiders. But, the Bengals just beat the Packers in Green Bay and the Steelers. Which means the Bengals may actually be good this year. Which, in turn, means the Broncos may have beaten a good team on their home field. Lots of ‘may haves’ so far.

But then I noticed this: Denver has given up a grand total of 16 points in three games. Yeah, I know, they’ve played historically shitty teams (we think) so far. But they held the Bengals to 12 points. Those same Bengals then scored 31 against a (we think) good Packers team and 23 against (we think) one of the best defenses in the game.

So, is Denver good? Are the Bengals good? Are Pittsburgh and Green Bay worse than we think?

We don’t know, yet. But we’ll find out soon enough. Denver hosts Dallas next week and the Patriots the week after that. If they can win one of those two, I’ll be convinced.

That is if Dallas isn’t secretly awful. Which is entirely possible.

Man, I love football season.

Random Monday Night Prediction: Despite my ugly fantasy showing, I’m still up by 18 points heading into tonight’s game. However, my opponent has Roy Williams and Nick Folk going for Dallas. I know, I’m toast. However, I’ll predict Folk’s foot comes flying off during his first point after attempt. Folk’s foot will then soar by the Dallas bench, strike Williams’ in the face (cleats first) thus blinding him for the rest of the game.

Today’s distraction: A few funny pictures to get your week started off right. No need for thanks. It’s why I’m here.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Pros and Cons

Some random pros and cons while I try to keep up with a suddenly loaded inbox.

Pro: The Red Sox putting some last minute pressure on the Yankees. There is nothing I’d enjoy more than watching the Yankees stumble into second place, having to play the Angels in the first round and getting knocked out. That would make me happy.

Con: Those same Sox losing not one, but two straight games to the Royals. Who, I should point out, are the worst team in the American League. Way to keep the pressure on, fellas.

Pro: My new Dish Network service that will soon include that new Red Zone package so I can watch games from around the NFL when teams get close to scoring. Picture, if you will, me sitting in front of my 42 inch television, a single tear rolling down my cheek, as I watch Drew Brees throw his fourth touchdown of the day. In High Def, of course.

Con: DirecTV not letting go. Look, guys, you had your shot. Unless you’re going to move your HD satellite so I can get a signal from my house then stop badgering me to switch back. No HD, no business. Stop mailing, emailing and calling me to come back. We’re through. Accept it and move on.

Pro: winning another $50 from my fantasy league and facing my best friend in week 3.

Con: Marion Barber’s injury and his status marked as the dreaded ‘Questionable’. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to worry about Brian Westbrook’s status, as well. I would simply sit Barber and play Westbrook’s backup, LeSean McCoy. But since both are one big shrug I have no idea what to do.

You know what, this will be today’s distraction. I’m putting it to a vote.

Pro: The season premiere of ‘House’ which I had many doubts about and several minor problems with (a music box fixes a decade of silence?) but nailed the complexities and issues of House in an intelligent, non sentimental and perfectly acted manner. I really hope Andre Braugher (who played House’s therapist) returns as he is the only person who out thought and out schemed House since the series began.

Con: Lack of 13 and Cameron in that same premiere. They’re hot.

Pro: The movie ‘Sugar’. If you are a fan of baseball you must see this. A realistic look at the Dominican Republic and how they herd major league hopefuls by schooling them with a singular purpose. With no elementary education there is little for these boys to fall back on if the dream of making the majors falls flat. That the title character is likable, talented, loyal, hard working, and flawed forces us to feel his frustration, joy and confusion all the more. One of the best sports movies I’ve seen in years and has forever changed the way I view all Dominican players.

Con: That a majority of you reading this have probably never heard of this movie.

Pro: The weather and sun we’ve had this September. It’s been cool at night which makes for great sleeping.

Con: That it now is fully dark by 7:30 and winter is right around the corner. I feel a mixture of depression and frantic ‘let’s move to California now that wildfire season is over’.

Pro: The new show ‘Community’ that had me and wifey laughing out loud during the study group scene. I forgot how deadpan funny Chevy Chase can be. ‘Asbergers…’

Con: Having a triple scheduling problem on Thursdays now. The following shows are on between 8-10: Bones, Fringe, The Office, 30 Rock, Community and now FlashForward which I wanted to check out. One or more of these is going to be a casualty and we all can guess which one it’s going to be. Sorry, FlashForward, but you’re the new kid on the block and I just won’t have time for you. There is nothing on Tuesday nights, ABC. You couldn’t tuck it in there somewhere?

Pro: Three new wish list games for Wii being released over the summer: Punchout, Wii Resort, and Need for Speed: Shift.

Con: The outrageous prices being asked for them. Wii Resort could cost you over $75 if you had to buy the new, improved motion controllers (which I do). Need for Speed is priced over $50! Man alive! I got into the wrong industry.

Pro: My oldest boy deciding to take up karate. He took it when he was 4 but baseball became his passion. We told him he needed to take up some physical activity over the winter and he selected this because his best friend is already going.

Con: His forsaking a basketball camp in order to take karate. Basketball’s my first sporting love and he’s already good for a nine year old. I was hoping camp and games would help him get better and pass down the basketball loving gene. Maybe next year.

Pro: Kanye West providing the only moment during the Video Music Awards worth talking about. Sure, he was a dick, but it was also the most spontaneous moment of the entire show.

Con: My built in cynicism telling me it was all a stunt and not so spontaneous. What better way to have people talking about him for the next two weeks. My cynicism was confirmed when he just so happened to be a guest on the opening of the brand new Jay Leno show. Coincidence? You tell me. Just remember there is no such thing as bad publicity. During the next few months (or when this talk dies down) Kanye will be entering rehab for a ‘drinking problem’. I’m guessing alcohol because wifey told me he was overly conspicuous arriving with a bottle of Hennessey or something. Laying the foundation.

Pro: That reforming the health care system seems to be a priority to Obama.

Con: Way too many to count here, but let’s try.

1: The way Obama has been handling this entire process. Meaning, he’s acting like a pussy. You’re the President for fuck sake. Start acting like it. Tell Congress and the House that if they really serve the people then they will pass this bill and make life better for everyone in the country. If not, well, then he will veto every bill that caters to special interests and stop bailing out financial institutions where their friends work until they change their minds.

2: That rational debate has been tossed out the window. How did Sarah Palin convince Redneck Nation that if Obama got his way Death Squads will be coming to exterminate everyone over 70? I wish I were kidding when one news program interviewed a man protesting outside one of these town hall meetings and he broke down in tears while proclaiming that he loves his mother and didn’t want to see her killed off.

Oh, no. I’m not kidding. I watched dumbfounded that not only did this yahoo truly believe this, but that the NEWS GAVE HIM AIRTIME!!!

Speaking of which….

3: News media everywhere. I blame this entire flow of misinformation on you guys. You are the ones that are supposed to be telling average Americans what this health care reform bill is all about. Instead you’re putting morons like the guy above on the air and showing hillbillies in Kentucky screaming about losing their Medicare and not wanting the government involved in their health care. You may want to read that last argument again.

I found it very telling, by the way, that one CNN segment about this was showing commercials for Cialis and asthma medications. Who do you think paid for those ads?

4: The term ‘socialism’. Do the opponents shouting this word even know what it means? And if so, why is it a terrible thing? If not, then pick up a book instead of following the herd to every protest Rush Limbaugh tells you about.

5: That this entire health care issue has reinforced how truly stupid Americans are.

Let’s dumb this down.

In America, right now:

There are millions of people without health care coverage.

There are hundreds of millions that pay partial payments for their own coverage. Even you. If you get coverage through your work, you are still paying out of your own earnings for part of that. There is no free ride. If you are not paying anything it means you either have no coverage or work in Congress.

There are tens of millions of sick people who are being dropped or denied coverage even though they’ve paid into HMOs for years.

Do you really think we don’t need a different health care plan?

If yes, let me ask you two more questions:

1: Do you think every legal American citizen deserves health care coverage?

2: Do you know one person – just one – that is happy with their HMO?

I’ll bet a 99% of you answered yes to number 1 and no to number 2.

Still think this don’t need fixin’?

Today’s distraction: Here we go. I’m putting this to a vote and will play what the majority agrees to. I’m sitting Marion Barber because I don’t think he’ll play and if he does he won’t be very effective. And, honestly, why risk it if you’re the Cowboys.

My other running back is Kevin Smith who will be playing.

Here are my options with their opponents.

Jonathan Stewart vs Philly. He hasn’t done much so far, but seems like he’s ready to bust out.

LeSean McCoy vs Chiefs. I’m strongly leaning this way since it looks like Westbrook is in the same boat as Barber and McCoy will be running against the Chiefs suck ass defense. That's their official nickname and everything. The Suck Ass Defense of Kansas City.

Willie Parker vs Bengals. Another strong possibility, but Parker has blown in a big way this year.

Donald Brown vs Cardinals. Another good one. Played well against the Dolphins and Arizona’s not known for their defense.

Let me know your thoughts.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Week 2 Postmortem

Yesterday I went to my buddy’s house to help him setup his new wireless router, watch the Pats – Jets game and enjoy some delicious beer. I love beer.

His expecting any second now wife was there and looked fucking enormous. She’s a big girl normally, so having an unborn fetus already estimated at over nine pounds residing inside her doesn’t help. When I asked her how she was feeling she answered ‘FAT!’ before I even finished the question.

She’s ready. Anyone who has known a woman at the eight and a half month stage of pregnancy has witnessed this. I call it the ‘Get this thing out of me NOW’ stage. The morning sickness is over, the lovely glow of the middle months is over, the wonder and fright of preparing for a new baby is over. The woman just wants that thing out of her body. Every position is uncomfortable, the baby is moving around like the Tasmanian Devil and pushing her organs all over the place and, according to his wife, ‘even my vagina hurts’.

Alrighty then.

Thankfully, we had the NFL to distract us.

Or somewhat thankfully.

It’s weeks like this that make me appreciate fantasy football that much more. The Pats looked all fucked up yesterday; out of sync, sluggish, and confused. Maybe the Jets defense had a lot to do with that, but it sure seemed like Brady was an inch or so away from making those usual huge plays we’re used to seeing from him. A fingertip here, a pass thrown juuuust out of reach there and the Pats have two touchdowns instead of settling for field goals.

Not to take anything away from the Jets. Considering they shut down a Texas team that unloaded on Tennessee yesterday and kept the Pats out of the end zone, they have served notice that they are for real. In fact, they remind me of a team from last year that relied heavily on tough defense and rode the growing pains of another rookie quarterback: Baltimore.

Let’s keep an eye on those comparisons when the Jets come to New England. I think that game will turn out a bit differently.

Other items from a glorious second week:

- The Patriots game reminded me why I usually stay away from drafting their players for my fantasy teams. Sure, when they do well it’s fun, but when they do poorly (like yesterday in New York) it triples the pain. My friend has Brady on his team and he spent the entire second half throwing his Pats cap on the floor in disgust. He would pick it up, put it back on, then throw it down when Brady just missed another connection. I found this highly entertaining.

- Speaking of fantasy (you knew I’d bring it up sooner or later) huge days from Brees, Colston, Andre Johnson, Vincent Jackson and Marion Barber have me nearly ready to claim $50 for the second week in a row. The only thing sitting between me and the cash is Peyton Manning. The guy that owns him is 35 points behind me. Considering the Colts are playing Miami, I think it’s entirely possible Manning will get those points.

- If I wind up losing that money by 5 or 6 points I’ll be cursing that Barber injury. If you didn’t see last night’s game, Barber was on his way to his second touchdown of the game when he pulled up lame and collapsed to the ground. I’m hoping this isn’t a long term injury because that will mean playing Willie Parker who has a grand total of 8 points (estimate) this season.

- All you Steve Slaton owners shouldn’t freak out because of his slow start. Remember that he may have just faced two of the best run defenses in the league. Here are the defenses he’s facing in the coming weeks: Jacksonville, Oakland, Arizona, Cincinnati, San Fran, Buffalo. Expect him to put up much better numbers in the next few weeks.

- Nice to see Willis McGahee putting up monster numbers this season after stiffing me for single digits (or, in one week, ZERO digits) most of last year. Bastard!

- Fantasy line of the year (so far): Chris Johnson – 197 yards, 2 TDs rushing – 9 receptions for 87 yards and another TD. Yikes! The dude had numbers most quarterbacks don't get.

- File this under ‘forward thinking’: After dealing with Brian Westbrook’s weekly ‘Questionable’ status last season, I drafted his backup, LeSean McCoy, with a late pick. It only took two games for Westbrook to be hobbling again and McCoy maybe getting his first start against – of all teams – the Kansas City Chiefs. Oh boy!!! Considering Barber’s injury, McCoy could be making his first start for my team, as well.

- While I like the people of Minnesota (or the ones I’ve met, anyway), I hope they’re not getting too excited about the Viking’s quick start. Remember, they beat Cleveland and Detroit. Not exactly a tough opening duo. Still, you do get to watch Peterson every week. He’s awesome!

- Considering Carolina’s next two games are against Dallas and Washington, there is a very real possibility they could be 0-4 and facing an uphill climb the rest of the season.

- On the same note, the Titans face the Jets (take the under, whatever it is), the Jaguars in Jacksonville, then the Colts. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion Tennessee’s defense isn’t nearly as good as everyone thinks which could mean a big hole for them, as well.

- Sure sign that the season is young: The top five quarterbacks in my pay fantasy league are Drew Brees, Joe Flacco, Byron Leftwich, Matt Ryan and Matt Schaub. I’m guessing things won’t stay this way.

- Most surprising final score: Bengals 31 - Packers 24. In Green Bay!

- I’m looking to dump Carolina’s defense/special teams because…well…they suck. I’ve been looking at Buffalo but one team has me very intrigued: Oakland. Call me crazy, but their defense has been looking very good.

- What do we make of the Saints destroying the Eagles in Philly? Is the Saints offense that good? Or is the Eagles defense over rated?

- Broncos: 2 – 0. BeachBum: Not convinced.

- Game that told us nothing about either team: Chicago 17 Pittsburgh 14. Although Cutler did look decent. As opposed to his crappiness from week one.

- Buffalo beat Tampa Bay 33 – 20 which raises this question: Is Buffalo better than we thought and the Patriots game a horrible aberration? Or is Tampa Bay going to be one of the worst teams of 2009?

- Despite the loss, it seemed like the Cowboys were exploiting a major hole in the Giants defense last night. They were running screens and play action fakes all night and the Giants were biting in a big way. Despite the let down, Dallas may have setup a blue print on how to attack that New York front seven.

- Frank Gore! Holy Shit!

- Crap game of the week: Washington 9 - St Louis 7. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

- Yeah, it’s only week 2, but we’re going to be hard pressed to find a better defensive play than the game ending read – sprint – tackle Ray Lewis executed against San Diego yesterday.

- Random Monday Night prediction that is purely based on my desire to win $50: Manning has a subpar game as he’s missing two receivers and Miami’s defense is better than everyone thinks. I win the week by 10 points.

Pretty please?

Today’s distraction: Practice your archery skills. Warning this is both graphic, bloody and hilarious. I found myself shooting the guy in different places on the body to see what would happen. Yes, I’m disturbed.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Cold Blooded

Last week wifey and I had the opportunity to attend a real life charity event. For one night we were mingling with the pompous in-crowd. A friend of ours is a nurse at Children’s Hospital in Boston and takes a yearly trip to Ghana as part of the ‘Hearts in Ghana’ program.

This trip consists of a group of nurses and doctors traveling to Kumasi, Ghana in order to perform heart surgeries for children who don’t have access nor the means to get care. If you hit that link above it describes the painful decision making process on who gets the surgery, what other challenges are faced and the people who organize the trip every year.

This fund raiser included tables full of items available for silent auction. For example, one table had a Bose stereo system with wireless speakers. Another was a full martini set complete with cigars, glasses, and recipes (made by wifey no less) for different flavored martinis.

For those unfamiliar, a silent auction is set up so nobody knows for sure who’s bidding on what. You are assigned a number when you sign in then use that number to identify yourself on the bid sheet on each table. The first hour or so is open to allow everyone to browse all the tables and get an idea of what bids would need to be made on which items. There is a minimum bid amount at the top of each.

As a comedy bonus, the charity was held at the Harvard Club on Comm Ave. As I learned this night, the Harvard Club is there for any Harvard Alum to use when they visit Boston or need use of a function room. There are hotel rooms available for use for overnight stays, as well. This led to my buddy and me trading comments like this in front of any good looking women:

‘Hey, you staying here tonight?’

‘Not tonight. Got the boat in the harbor’


‘The Patriots package is only going for 2 grand? Feel like upping the donation?’

‘I just put a four grand bid in on the Family Getaway Package, but I think I can swing another two.’

Nobody fell for it.

From the beginning I had my eye on three items: The Bose system, a Blue Ray surround sound system that came with a ton of movies, and two sets of Red Sox tickets. I bid on all of them (with the hope that I wouldn’t actually WIN all of them because then I’d be screwed, broke and probably divorced), but focused my attention on the Sox tickets.

Both sets involved luxury box seats. One had four tickets, the other only two but with all food and drink included AND a game used, probably steroid tainted, autographed bat from David Ortiz.

The key to silent auctions is to keep an eye on the tables you really want to win. Win being a relative term as you still have to pay for whatever you get. I kept my eye on the Sox table with my hopes dashed on the Ortiz bat set when some hoity toity, rich doctor bid $1500 on them. Fucker!

That left the set of 4 luxury box seats. I had bid $400, which was a steal considering face value was well over $100 for one of them. Near the end of the bid time limit, someone out bid me by $100. So I bid $550 for them.

Bang! Done! Tickets were mine.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because last night was the game. Boo yeah! Last night’s never ending insanity and I had primo, luxury, your ass won’t kill you when you stand up to leave seats.

Before you get all happy for me (cause I know you all crave for me to experience joy), I should point out that it was about 40 degrees with an Arctic wind cutting across Fenway right into our faces all night AND we decided this would be a good time to introduce our youngest to professional baseball. Yup. First game and he’s in hundred plus dollar seats. Spoiled brat.

Two problems from the get go, our solutions and how everything worked out.

Problem 1: It was a school night. Usual bedtime for the boys is between 8:30 and 9 depending on their mood. The usual Red Sox game lasts around 3 hours which would get us around 10pm (as you probably heard, this was no usual game). If all went accordingly (and it didn’t) they would be up about an hour or two past their usual bedtime. I had figured in another hour to get home through traffic or subway.

Solution: Since youngest was being watched by my mother in law yesterday I let him sleep in. This way he wouldn’t be irritable and cranky when the game was nearing an end. Plus he loves trains so the ride home on the subway would keep him interested. Overall, things were manageable.

How it worked out: We made it into the fifth inning before youngest announced he wanted to go. It was almost 9 and I was thinking the same thing. We all agreed one more inning to see where things stood. If it went by quickly, we would try to finish up the game.

Man alive. The sixth inning featured three pitching changes, a home run, a Sox rally to take a 5-3 lead and us leaving to a standing ovation for the home team. By the time the inning ended it was past 9:30.

We hopped the train during which I checked my Blackberry to discover that the Angels had already taken back the lead with a four run seventh inning.

Sidenote: If you ever visit Boston try to avoid the Green Line whenever possible. It is a painful, laborious, uncomfortable trip that makes me want to scream. And it’s not like these are isolated incidents; it’s every fucking time I ride this line. It stops for no reason, travels about 2.5 miles per hour, and never gets to the actual stop I need to get to. I need to get to North Station, but the Green Line never seems to go past Government Center. This means we need to get off at Park Street and travel an underground labyrinth of tunnels in which Freddy Krueger would feel at home in order to get to the Orange Line.

Anyway, we get the boys home, washed up, in bed and get downstairs to discover….

…the game is still going. And it’s still only the eighth inning. We left at the end of the sixth inning, waited for the Green Line, took the Green Line to Park Street, walked the death tunnels, waited for the Orange Line, took that to our car, drove home, got the boys washed up, into bed, got ourselves ready for bed and an inning and a half had passed.

Not even twelve outs! What the fuck happened? Was there a rain delay? Did a fight break out? Were there fifteen different pitching changes?

Whatever, it worked out for us as we got to watch the Sox rally with questionable umpiring paving the way. When the game finally ended in a walk off, bloop, piece of shit hit by Alex Gonzalez it was past 11:30.

Problem #2: The weather. We were expecting it to be chilly. Really chilly.

Solution: Bring the heaviest sweatshirt for the boys we could find. Wifey took care of this, even IMing me to ask which coat I wanted her to bring. When I told her to just bring the blue one she started arguing with me. ‘Don’t you have a sweatshirt?’

Sidenote 2: This blue coat has been a stalemate between us for years. It looks lightweight, but is one of those running jackets that keeps your body heat trapped inside the light insulation. I love it because I’m always warm and cuts the wind at the same time. Why wifey asks me a question only to argue my preference is another entry. Or five. Just remember all women are nuts and that should get you up to speed.

How it all worked out: For the boys and wifey it worked out great. They all had fleece pullovers they donned the entire game. Youngest even had his hood up. As for me, well after arguing with me about my fashion choices wifey shows up and promptly says ‘Oh, I forgot you coat!’. While I was half convinced she did this on purpose for some arbitrary ‘I’ll show him’ reason, I didn’t care that much. I had dressed warm enough and figured I would be fine.

I was but really could have used that goddamn coat. When the wind blew it was bone chillingly cold. And the wind was blowing A LOT last night. In fact, it was so chilly that a quarter of the seats around us were empty. It was also a major factor in us bailing for warmer airs after the sixth inning.

Bottom line is everyone had a good time. We had a lovely waitress named Jennifer who took good care of me and my beer supply and now both boys have experienced Fenway.

If I wind up getting sick from sitting unprotected in 40 degree weather for three hours my opinion might change. I reserve the right to declare last night's success a failure should the need arise.

Today’s distraction: An infuriatingly addictive game called Multitask. Starts off simply enough only to keep piling on. Damn whoever came up with this game. Damn you straight to hell!!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

In Defense

If you’re like me (don’t you wish), then you don’t consider the universe very often.

You’re also probably self obsessed to the point of narcissism, drink alcohol way more than is healthy for a living human body, and wish every other member of society would stop being so damn annoying. Sadly, those are subjects for another time.

Today I want to defend a forgotten giant living in our midst. Namely Jupiter.

It's purty, too.

You remember Jupiter, right? It’s the one that has moons dancing around it like a bachelor at a strip club. Believe me, if those moons could give Jupiter a naked lap dance, they would. Don’t ask me how I know. I just do.

You can often see Jupiter along the southern sky juuusst as the sun is setting. It’s that bright light that turns out not to be an airplane or traffic helicopter. Most of us know it because it’s the biggest, baddest mother fucker in our solar system. It’s over 300 times as large as Earth and twice as big as all the other planets put together.

Yo, Earth, give me your lunch money!

Yeah, that’s not just big; that’s crap your pants and cry for your momma if you ran into it in a solar system back alley big! In fact, Jupiter actually has a constant, raging, red storm circulating around just to keep things interesting. This ‘Great Red Spot’ may not be constant, but it’s been going strong for 300 years (since it was first discovered) and shows no sign of letting up.

Did I mention the size of that storm is larger than Earth? No? I should probably share that information.

Jupiter is also mostly gas. I don’t mean it consumes a constant diet of bean and raisin burritos, either. Being 90% hydrogen, 10 % helium and 100% bad ass, Jupiter has no solid surface. Before you get all ‘What a wussy, gassy, girly planet’ on me some of that hydrogen is actually metallic hydrogen. I’m fairly certain that means the T-1000 from ‘Terminator 2’ lives there.

And he's STILL pissed

So why am I suddenly singing the praises of Jupiter?

Because Jupiter just may be the body guard of our solar system. It’s massive size and enormous gravity field are sucking in some of those random objects flying through space. Objects like asteroids, ill programmed satellites and comets. Things that Hollywood would have us believe are trying to smash into Earth and kill us all (except Morgan Freeman and not before Tea Leoni reconciles with her father).

While it was presumed this was always the case, it was just recently discovered how powerful an effect Jupiter has on all these interstellar death missiles. Not only does it alter the trajectories but one comet was found to have been stuck in orbit around Jupiter; unable to free itself for TWELVE FUCKING YEARS!!

As Dr. David Asher from the European Planetary Science Congress said, ‘Fortunately for us Jupiter, as the most massive planet with the greatest gravity, sucks objects towards it more readily than other planets and we expect to observe large impacts there more often than on Earth’.

Go Jupiter! It’s your birthday!

Since Bruce Willis is really just a pretty boy actor and not an astronaut willing to die for all of humanity, we should be thanking Jupiter for taking the brunt of these impacts for us.

That goes for you, too, Venus and Mars. Pay some respect or Uranus will be on your ass.

Today’s distraction: Cool Hubble photos of an actual impact on Jupiter’s surface. Thanks, Jupiter!

Monday, September 14, 2009

NFL Week One Postmortem

We fantasy football geeks spend way too much time studying who went where, which coaches and coordinators have moved to new teams and who is recovering from off season surgery. We pretend we have all the information we need when drafting and crow all about our teams to anyone that doesn’t want to hear it.

The cruel fact is this entire enterprise is a crap shoot. Just ask anyone who drafted Tom Brady last season. Or anyone that watched Donovan McNabb get crushed by two 300 pound defensive linemen. Or anyone that drafted Jay Cutler only to be tortured by his opening day.

While we plan to do great, the football fates have different plans. That's why when things go right we all walk around with that extra hop in our step. When it wins us money, it’s provides an extra measure of glee and gloating over our angry opponents.

My LTM (League That Matters) provides the highest scoring team $50. Thanks to Mr. Drew Brees (thanks for the comment, Rob) from the New Orleans Saints, I have a legitimate shot at winning that money the very first week. There are two people that still have a shot. One has Brady starting tonight, but is over 50 points behind me. The other is 45 points back and has Tomlinson starting against the Raiders.

Anything is possible. I still have my kicker (Nate Kaeding for the Chargers) going so even if Tomlinson scores a TD, it will add another point onto my total. Or should.

Laugh if you will, but running a fantasy team certainly makes watching and following the NFL more fun. And – if you have Drew Brees running your team – much more lucrative.

Some random thoughts from the games:

- Apparently not even Adrian Peterson running all over the Cleveland Browns and single handedly winning the game for the Vikings prevents ESPN from putting it all on Favre’s shoulders. Go their home site and there is Sir Stay In The Limelight. It should be Peterson and his vicious stiff arm pictured. That was something else.

- Week one and already we have the ending that probably won’t be beat for the rest of the season. If you haven’t seen the ridiculous catch by Brandon Stokley at the end of the Broncos – Bengals game, then you are missing out. Good luck, rest of NFL in topping that.

- They (evil network executives) televised the Jets – Texans game in Boston and I have to admit Sanchez looked good. Not scary, but efficient and deadly when opportunities presented themselves. Let’s see if that has to do with his abilities or if Houston’s defense just sucks.

- The Eagles defense racked up a whopping 40 fantasy points against Carolina yesterday. That's more than most running backs earned. What the hell?

- Best quarterback performance from a man not named Brees: Joe Flacco. Now let’s see what he can do against a real NFL defense.

- Most impressive win that may be meaningless in the long run: San Fran over Arizona.

- Final score that raises more questions than it answers: Atlanta 19 – Miami 7. Is Atlanta’s defense that good this year? Is Miami’s offense that inept? Is Michael Turner worn down? Does the guy that took Chad Pennington 3rd overall in our fantasy league feel better or worse about that pick?

- Bear fans take comfort. At least you don’t have Jake Delhomme destroying your team’s season. Three interceptions and a lost fumble now make…what? 10 turnovers in his last 2 games? Is that right? On the plus side, he only threw the ball 17 times.

- Who is the backup QB for Carolina, anyway? Maybe I’ll pick him up.

- Fox was showing our area the Minnesota – Cleveland game probably because they think everyone wants to blow Favre as much as they do. They’re wrong, for the record. However, it was interesting watching Brady Quinn. He showed some signs he could be a very good player, but then moments like this happen:

Brady drops back, finds nothing available, feels pressure and starts scrambling. While running to the sideline he sees a receiver open, brings his arm back to make the throw and it simply falls out of his hand. It flips up, bobbles around on the ground and the Vikings recover. This makes me laugh and glad I worship at the altar of Brady. It would also make me feel bad for Cleveland fans if they didn't get to watch LeBron James all winter.

- Game that told us nothing about either team: Colts 14 – Jaguars 12.

- The Cowboy offense looked good yesterday, but they gave up 21 points to Tampa Bay and nearly 100 yards rushing to Cadillac Williams. I’m probably wrong, but this tells me more about Dallas’ defense than Tampa’s offense.

- There is something intrinsically enjoyable rooting against Eli Manning. He was starting against me in fantasy which added an extra layer of joy when he pouted around like a fifth grader. Does everyone in New York (or New Jersey, actually) realize how good their Giants team could be if they had a real quarterback? The defense is incredible again, but having a spoiled, trust fund kid running your offense must be frustrating. Do New York fans even like Eli?

- Supposed fantasy studs who disappointed: Andre Johnson, Steve Slaton, Matt Forte, Jay Cutler, Stephen Jackson, Brandon Jacobs, Chris Johnson, Braylon Edwards, Willie Parker, Steve Smith (Panthers one), Michael Turner, Roddy White.

- Fantasy surprises: John Carlson, Chad Ochocinco, Jeremy Shockey, Joe Flacco, Byron Leftwich, Julius Jones (or basically the entire Seattle offense), Mike Bell

- Random Monday Night Predictions: Tom Brady will not blow his knee out in the first quarter of tonight’s game but will not have a spectacular game, either; Terrell Owens will be booed mercilessly then have a sucky game; the Patriot defense will give notice that losing Seymore has had no effect.

Until next week. Glad to have you back, NFL. My life feels complete.

Today’s distraction: Finally! Proof that ‘The Matrix’, ‘Harry Potter’, ‘Star Wars’, and the new ‘Star Trek' are all the same movie.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Are You Sure?

During one of last weekend’s marathon BBQ/drink fests* a conversation sparked up about what would be the most fun business men could start up that would also provide a much needed service for all other men in the world.

It didn’t take three of us to come up with the winner.

I’ve dubbed it the ‘Verification Weekend’.

Like all genius ideas, this one is rather simple. A man decides it’s time for him to ask the love of his life for her hand in marriage. Or his hand. We won’t discriminate. As he is preparing himself for the moment, he lets slip to one or several of his friends what he is planning.

Those friends then call us.

A plan is set in motion to make sure this guy knows what he’s getting himself into. His friend’s book our service and we take them all out on a pleasure cruise. The original plan was a super fast cigarette boat, but I think we need more of a cabin cruiser so our guests can sit below in comfortable accommodations and play poker or watch porn or whatever they want to do.

The theme of the cruise or party is ‘Are You Sure?’.

As in ‘Are you sure you want to get married? Because we’re about to show you what you’ll be missing out on for the rest of your life.’

If requested an exotic dancer could be brought aboard, probably a bunch of smoking hot women that mingle with the men. We could make several stops along the way so the guys can hit some bars along the shore. There are many, many piers around the New England coast that allow you to tie up briefly and eat and drink at the pubs on the water. Quincy, Salem, Hingham, Boston’s Rowes Wharf in particular. Even Gloucester and Rockport up north have places to stop.

If they like fishing we simply take them out far enough to catch the big ones. We could get satellite television for the boat so the guys could watch sports or movies on the ride out.

Part of the day would include guest speakers. For example, a man who has been married several times or an overly nagging wife we know. While we were discussing this (in good humor) my buddy’s wife started in on how this is mean spirited and we would be setting ourselves up for lawsuits by aggrieved lovers.

My other friend (not her husband) looks at her and says ‘Oh yeah, you’ll be a guest speaker’ which set off a round of laughter that lasted many minutes. She was the only one not pleased.

Even better, this themed cruise could double as a bachelor party cruise. The dude’s getting married regardless, so make it a party to be REALLY REALLY sure this is what he wants to do.

And, hey, if this is the woman for him we’ll even congratulate the young lady and send her fiancee back with a certificate of authenticity. A sort of ‘he’s ready for marriage’ license.

Wait, I’m not done.

Not only can this work for women, as well (which would make things even more fun for us guys running the boat), but couples.

Let’s say years later, that same guy and his wife are considering having kids. We take them out on the boat again with a bunch of their couple friends who already have children. They offer testimonials on how their lives have changed, how little sleep they get, etc. Day one would be the boat cruise with their friends, drinking, eating, carousing, swimming.

When we get back to shore, we hand them a crying baby doll. You know; the kind that need to be fed and changed. Day two of the couple Verification Weekend is them taking care of the doll. They then hand the doll back on day three fully informed on what they’ll be missing and what they can expect.


Still not done!

We can expand this even further: Couples therapy. That same couple is having marital problems. We take them out on the boat again. They have their own private room where they can rekindle that original spark. We can take them to the Cape or the islands (or even all of them) for a romantic getaway. We’ll provide the ambiance, food, booze and sunsets. They just relax and remember why they fell in love in the first place.

We can offer day cruises or weekends or even three day getaway packages. The boat doesn’t have to be enormous, but big enough to hold about 30.

Maybe not this big, but DAMN!!

That would include the staff. I figure captain, chef (we would offer limited menu options since we don’t want to have to buy a boat with a full kitchen) and…shall we say…entertainment protection. We already have my six foot eight friend lined up for that job.

My brother is already a licensed captain and I am one hell of a BBQer, organizer and booze bag. My brother in law is a semi-pro fisherman. Basically, all we would need is the boat and whatever licenses we would need to host a party. Frankly, if it’s on the ocean, I’m not sure you need any licenses.

Anyway, I’m going with at least this model to start. It may need to be bigger at some point, but this should be solid launching off pad. Make sure you check out the video tour and see what it looks like inside. It retails at $98,000 or there abouts (which includes the aforementioned satellite TV).

With other luxuries and dock fees figure a solid $150,000 is what we would need to get this venture off the ground.

I think that would suit our needs nicely.

Who’s in?

Today’s distraction: Hilarious hand written signs. The stolen bike had me laughing simply due to the ‘May not be to scale’ on the illustration.

* Technically the entire weekend was a drink fest so it all blended together. This was one section of the nonstop booze factory known as my back deck.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

WTF, Man!!??

Let’s play a game.

We’ll call it ‘Worst Fantasy Pick Ever’.

Here are the rules: I give you a scenario that took place during my online fantasy draft last night and you mentally select the worst possible player for that spot. Then I tell you who this person actually picked and you tell me if the actual selection was worse than what you expected.

I should tell you this is why I hate online drafts. Four people involved didn’t even sign on, so the computer picked for them. The dude with the third pick in our draft must have screwed up his player ratings which resulted in our game today.

The scenario: 12 man league, 14 rounds, you play 1 QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, 1 TE, 1 K, 1 D/ST. No flex position and no points per catch (which I hate, but whatever).

I had pick 11. Yeah, tell me about it.

First pick was DeAngelo Williams which, itself, was sort of an upset. Personally I don’t think he comes anywhere near last season’s freakish stats and it opened the door for player 2 to select Peterson.

Player 3 is up and the clock starts ticking. And ticking. And ticking. You have 2 minutes to select. When I check the ‘Who’s Online’ option, player 3 is blacked out (meaning he’s not on the live draft).

Here is where our game begins. Pick 3 of the entire draft. What is the worst possible pick at this time? Keep in mind everyone is available except Peterson and Williams.

Got it?

I’ll give you a minute.


Wait for it….

…Chad Pennington.





Even online this caused an uproar. We can IM everyone that is online and the messages were flying fast and furious. Chad Fucking Pennington. Our number three pick of 2009. Holy fuck!

The dude obviously messed up his customized ranking system (up was down, top was bottom) and is now a perfect example of why you never trust a computer to make picks for you.

On the other hand, this led to Drew Brees falling all the way to 11 for me. Since this league leans heavily on the wide receiver position, I focused on those for the early rounds.

Here is my team for league #2:

QB - Drew Brees

WR - Larry Fitzgerald
Marques Colston
Bernard Berrian
Josh Morgan
Kevin Walter

RB - Tim Hightower
Kevin Smith
Thomas Jones
Pierre Thomas
Jonathan Stewart

TE - Heath Miller

K - Joe Who Givesafuck

D - Chicago

As you can plainly see, I totally forgot to get a backup QB. Too bad Pennington is off the board.

Sadly, my brother busted his fantasy cherry last night and had computer issues that prevented him from making his own picks. He signed off and back on, rebooted the computer but could never get to the ‘Draft Player’ option. The computer just kept selecting the best available player for him, which, ironically is probably better than he could have done himself.

Again, gents, make your drafts in person whenever possible. This online thing goes quick, but isn’t nearly as much fun.

For the record, here is what I accomplished this past weekend:

Beers: Check, check and triple check. After this past weekend rehab is looking like a legitimate option.

BBQ: Not once, but twice. This directly relates to the amount of beer consumption.

Kayaking: Nope. I had the option but choose to go with the below instead.

Sleep: Much needed, especially after the drinking.

Cigars: Check.

Beach: Way too chilly for the beach. Took a trip to Rockport instead which was brought to an abrupt end when youngest vomited up blue raspberry slush all over the sidewalk. Good times.

Carnal Knowledge: Fuckin’ check!

Watch Red Sox: Actually, no, which turned out to be a good thing as they rotted out in Chicago.

Clean Gutters: ahahahahahahahahaha, fuck no.

Plan End Of Year Fantasy Party: Sort of. Buddy and I discussed it, but no concrete plans.

Gym: Only once which wasn’t nearly enough to counteract the massive amounts of barley, hops and fire cooked food consumed.

Think that’s all I had on my list.

Coming tomorrow: my new business plan. It won’t ever get off the ground, but it’s a great idea.

Today’s distraction: Create your own melody of sounds. Everything from barfing to screaming to pissing to stomping. You choose.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Weekend Plans

Random things I want to do this weekend. Chances are I'll get to half of these. I'll let you decide which will definitely be crossed off the list by Tuesday.

Drink: Drink beer. Lots of beer. Lots and lots of beer.

BBQ: Buddy, wife and their fetus will be arriving Saturday for some grillin', drinkin', smokin' and make funnin' (sp?). Told them they could leave their unborn baby at home if they wanted. No reply on that, yet.

Kayaking: Been a few times, but want to get it on big time before the weather gets too cold. Definitely one trip as I've discovered a public launch that puts you right into Boston Harbor. Oh, I'm there.

Gym: I've been slacking lately and it's time to get my ass in gear. Might as well take the long weekend to get the soreness over with.

New Music: New Arctic Monkeys was released last week and it's been a while since I've browsed Newbury Comics. This weekend will be time to put that streak to rest.

Clean Gutters: Cleaning optional.

Beach: Water and weather are still perfect and it might be the swan song for sand and surf. Maybe I can combine kayaking with this. Two birds, one stone deal.

Sleep: The boys are back in school and I forgot (or blocked out) how exhausting the morning routine can be. Go to gym, make lunches, wake boys, shower, wake boys for second time, get them dressed, get self dressed, make sure snacks and lunches are in appropriate bags, sob while briefly recalling my bachelor days, get youngest off with wifey, bring eldest to school. I'm beat, man. Need to catch up on sleep.

Smoke Cigar(s): Here's where it gets tricky. My plan was to combine beer, BBQ with the cigars, but with preggo coming over I won't feel comfortable smoking in front of her. So I may need to distance myself with a cigar all by myself. Actually, that sounds great. I'm doing that.

Carnal Knowledge: Wifey, myself or whoever is available. I'll take what I can get at this point.

Watch Red Sox: Most likely it will be watching their season go spiraling down the shitter, but it will look fantastic in HD.

Plan End Of Year Fantasy Party: Oh, it's happening this year. This I can assure you.

Enjoy the long weekend. Power to the workers!

Today's distraction: One man's account of his backpacking trip in Europe. The account isn't the actual trip, but the escalating emails from his girlfriend who either didn't know or had forgotten he had gone away. Like watching a train wreck in slow motion. He should be glad he discovered the extent of her madness before they got married. The obviously drunk email is both the most horrifying and hilarious of them all.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Time Killers

Some random thoughts and links for an otherwise deadly dull day. Why don’t we just get this entire week leading up to Labor Day off? It’s nearly as bad as the week between Christmas and New Year’s. If anything, companies would save money on electricity currently being used by employees surfing the web and triple checking their fantasy football teams.

Again, I need to be running things.

- One of the running jokes in our family is my father’s habit of falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon no matter what position he is in. He would fall asleep at work with his head propped against his fist while at his desk. He would fall asleep in the middle of solving his crossword puzzle. I even saw him doze off with his head perched against the bookcase next to his chair.

Well, in yet another sign I’m turning into my father, I just fell asleep at my desk; head propped up by my fist. I even have a red mark on my temple.

On the other hand, my father is in his late 70s and in very good health. Maybe afternoon naps are the way to go.

- Scientists at the American Physiological Society have discovered that alcohol can disrupt the body’s natural ability to synchronize it’s patterns to daylight. In other words, it’s harder to ‘rise and shine’ after drinking. By administering varying amounts of alcohol to the happiest hamsters in the world the researchers discovered the following:

1: The hamsters that drank alcohol had the hardest time shifting their rhythms after exposure to the dim light, and the more alcohol they drank, the harder it was to adjust. However, subjecting them to bright light made them wake up earlier.

Lesson? We know why humans invented window shades.

2: Hamsters that consumed alcohol had fewer bouts of activity.

Lesson? Hamsters experience life crippling hangovers just like humans.

3: Chronic drinking continues to affect the biological clock even after withdrawal from alcohol. The hamsters withdrawn from alcohol woke up much earlier in response to light than they normally would, just like people who are trying to stop drinking.

Lesson? Don’t ever stop drinking.

I should point out that their conclusion that ‘People who drink alcohol, particularly late into the night, may not respond to important light cues to keep their biological clocks in synch with daylight over the next 24 hours’ was not under the subtitle of ‘Well…DUH!’

- One of my favorite games (see today’s distraction) ever may actually be good for your brain. According to a recent MRI assessment, ‘After three months of practice, compared to the structural scans of controls, the group with Tetris practice showed thicker cortex, primarily in two areas: left BAs 6 and 22/38. Based on fMRI BOLD signals, the Tetris group showed cortical activations throughout the brain while playing Tetris, but significant BOLD decreases, mostly in frontal areas, were observed after practice.’

While I’ve never had an MRI to verify, I’ll bet my cortex's girth if fucking huge.*

- Six astrophysicists have found the coldest, driest, calmest place on earth. In a shocking upset it is not Rosie O’Donnell’s vagina. Instead it’s third highest point on Antarctica and they will be setting up camp in order to study the universe and freeze their asses off. Send us a postcard when you arrive.

If you are so inclined, you can follow their blog here.

- To be filed with the hamster study under D for Duh, is this study that is shocked – SHOCKED – that North America has a higher rate of recurring heart attacks than that of Japan or Australia. Let’s see. North America has the pollution/over population capital of the world (Mexico), the cheese steak/eat whatever the fuck I want/drive to work capital of the world (USA! USA! USA!) and the beer swigging/don’t leave the house for 8 months out of the year because it’s too fucking cold capital of the world (Canada) all lumped together.

Japan is the sushi/happy ending massage/anime porno/crappy monster movie capital of the world.

Ninety percent of Australia lives in a tropical climate, barely work for a living, and drink beer on a near continuous basis

Which of those continents do you think will have higher heart attack rates?

By the way, they mention Eastern Europe – a place that still smokes unfiltered cigarettes for breakfast – as another high stroke/heart attack area. Go figure.

- This reminds me, lost in this entire health care debate is the fact that a majority of our health care costs are put into helping people that have been self destructive their entire lives and now have to be ‘saved’ with expensive, radical surgeries or transplants. Like chronic alcoholics who need liver transplants or life long smokers who die a slow, prolonged, oxygen tank fueled death. If we want to cut costs then why not put into place some program that will actually REWARD those people that lead healthy lifestyles and punish those who do not. Why is it fair that obese, chain smokers pay the same as someone who eats well and exercises?

- Watched some of the Monday Night Football pre season game between the Vikings and Texans and was sickened by the ass kissing Brett Favre received from ESPN. They should be embarrassed. I turned on ESPN to hear Berman yakking on about Favre. Since I didn’t want to hear anymore about it I switched to ESPN News only to hear them talking about Favre. Disgusted I channeled surfed for about 15 minutes, turned back to ESPN and now the three Monday Night guys were talking about…FAVRE! Holy shit! Really? Is there no other player on the field?

In fact, when Petersen broke off his 70 yard touchdown run they responded with ‘Hey, that’s one way to get us to stop talking about Favre’. That would have been funny if they didn’t somehow bring up Favre’s name in the fucking conversation about Adrian Petersen.

Therefore, fuck you, ESPN. Next time just blow Favre in a closet somewhere so you can show some perspective and objectivity during the actual game.

Oh, and if anyone else had thrown that chop block Favre did and nearly ended a player’s season you would have spent the next three days speculating about a season long suspension. Instead you had one of you ‘analysts’ come on and say how it wasn’t ‘malicious’. ‘Look,’ he said, ‘he wasn’t even looking in that direction’.

I can’t wait for the annual Favre implosion of 12 INTs over the course of 4 games. Can’t fucking wait.

Guess that’s enough anger and sarcasm for one day.

Today’s distraction: Grow a nice, thick, cerebral cortex. Your brain can thank me later.

* That's what she said.