Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Bitchin'

Care for a bitch session?

Good.

Have a few things on my mind and want to purge them from my being in order to pave a nice, calm, smooth entry for my buddy’s new baby arriving around 10 am today. C-section is scheduled for 9:30 so he may be here before this is even posted. Friggin’ kid is estimated at over 10 pounds! No wonder they’re scheduling a section. Kid might go through puberty before it decides to come out on his own.

Let’s get to it.

Cold Sores: Woke up with one yesterday morning and had to thank wifey once again for passing these monstrosities on to me. I never got them until 10 years into our marriage. Wifey got them on a regular basis and I always kept my distance until they healed. She absentmindedly offered oral sex at one point when she was sporting one and I pushed her away hard enough to knock her off the bed. Awkwaaaard.

Apparently resistance is futile and I finally succumbed to the stupid things. It now seems one will pop up when I’m run down or fighting off a cold or flu. There is an ointment called Abreve which helps so I made a trip to the local drug store to pick some up only to be shocked by the crowd of people were also browsing the cold sore medicines. Are these things that wide spread? Damn! Herpes is the new pandemic! Why isn’t this on the news?

Speaking of…


H1N1 News Coverage: Yeah, once again every news source in the country is acting like we’re all doomed by this Swine Flu. My workplace currently has ‘Don’t Share’ and ‘How to Properly Wash Your Hands’ signs posted all over the office. As I said to our receptionist ‘Are we in kindergarten?’

New flash (get it?) – the Swine Flu isn’t even as deadly as the regular flu. In fact, the symptoms are exactly the same. How do you know you have the H1N1 and not the regular flu? You fucking don’t! It’s basically the same thing. Our boys’ pediatrician won’t even test for it any longer because they won’t treat it any differently than they would for the standard flu.

In other words the media is once again blowing things way out of proportion. They’re trying to create a pandemic of panic and over reaction rather than being sensible and rational about a simple virus.


Antibacterial Gels: I’ve railed on these before, but need to address it again because the news outlets are telling people to use these to prevent the spread of H1N1. Use of these is fine as long as it’s moderate and not the norm. Long term use does more harm than good. See, there are two kinds of bacteria (stop me if you’ve heard this before): good and bad. Those antibacterial soaps and gels kill both kinds. Which means the good bacteria your immune system plays with to stay in shape is wiped out, thus lowering your own body’s ability to fight off actual illnesses.

Wait, it gets worse. There is evidence that the appendix – previously thought to do nothing much – stores good bacteria and uses it when your body undergoes a serious health crisis. The appendix is basically an underground bunker for your body’s good bacteria. If you wash or wipe away all the good bacteria, your body will be woefully unprepared to fight off an actual illness.

The topper, of course, is research suggesting these gels aren’t any more effective than simply washing your hands with soap and warm water. So, just do that. Wash your hands before you eat, don’t use those gels and everything will be fine.


American Flag Clip Ons: You know the ones I’m talking about? Those mini flags that clip onto car windows and flap around like crazy while the car is moving? I have an irrational hatred of those things. Mainly because I don’t know what the people using them are trying to say. You’re in America? Congratulations. Are you showing how patriotic you are? How? By paying a buck ninety nine for cheap shit that was probably made in China? Nice work.

How many of those get lost when the driver accidentally rolls down the back window? If they fall off do they stop their cars and go get them or do they have a collection in the trunk? Do they have to burn them like real flags if they touch the ground? What about car washes? Do they have to take them off? Have arguments broken out between the Hispanic car wash employees and the ‘American’ drivers about removing them?

On the walk home yesterday I noticed a sparkling new Land Rover with a full size American flag hanging in the back window. I immediately thought ‘Of course you love America, you’re driving a fucking Land Rover!’ Then I thought about how that flag is probably a safety hazard as he couldn’t see out his back window.

I wish I were a cop sometimes.


John and Kate: The lead story in most news programs is the killer tsunami in Samoa. The one immediately following? John has been dropped from John and Kate Plus Eight. Let’s just cut the bullshit and title this ‘Eight Kids Fucked From Birth’.


The Biggest Loser: My wife loves this show and I appreciate that it’s trying to promote ideas on how to eat and live healthier. But for fuck sake do we really need to see these 400 pound men and women (oh, yes, women at 400 pounds) with no shirts on (the women wear sports bras, but there is little left to the imagination)? I know I don’t. Is there no budget for XXXXX t-shirts? If not, I’ll gladly donate some. Just tell me where to send them. At one weigh in my wife says ‘holy shit, he’s got bigger boobs than I do!’ I opened my mouth to contradict her, took a second look, and estimated that she was indeed correct. Hers look better on her body than his did, though. For which I’m entirely thankful.


2009 Boston Red Sox: How dare they celebrate last night. How dare they! After rolling over for yet another series in Yankee Stadium, they have continued their lackadaisical play against Toronto and have now lost 5 games in a row. This after dropping 2 of 4 to the single worst team in the AL. The only reason they clinched the Wild Card is because Texas is in an even worse free fall. I guess I should just be grateful Papelbon didn’t do his Irish step dance on the Fenway field last night.

And no, I’m not feeling real good about their playoff chances. Does anyone really think a team with a gimpy third baseman, three starters who are either hurt or have outright sucked this last month of the season, a DH hitting .230, and a team spirit that would embarrass Droopy will suddenly put it together and win the World Series?



'Let's go Red Sox'



(Let’s see if that does anything).


Pessimism: Monday night my buddy kept texting me during the Cowboys – Panthers game. He was 18 points behind me in fantasy and was playing Roy Williams and Nick Folk. The very first drive Folk shanked a makeable field goal. Immediately my phone goes off with ‘That’s it! I’m fucked. Watch, I’ll get 15 points instead of 18. Just watch’.

This was followed with ‘I want to punch a hole in the wall’. There were still eight minutes to go in the first quarter. My buddy, if you couldn’t tell, is a pessimist. One thing goes wrong and it’s all doom and gloom.

At the end of the night it turned out he was off in his prediction. He scored 16 points, not 15. Lost by 2 points and not 3. I woke to watch the highlights, which included Roy Williams have a perfect touchdown pass in both hands only to drop it.

On our league’s website my friend left a message for everyone to read. It said simply ‘BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’.

I’m betting there is a hole in his wall.


Today’s distraction: Help Little Wheel power up his robot city. Fun, creative and relatively short. So it won’t destroy your entire workday, just part of it.

2 comments:

Hammen said...

I totally agree with your assessment of the Sox. They say all the right things during interviews, but there is absolutely no competitive fire in this team right now. Maybe they're just waiting for the playoffs to start, but I can't say it's been a totally enjoyable experience cheering for the baseball version of the San Antonio Spurs.

thepowerof10 said...

I too cannot stand the irrational pessimism displayed by some people. It aggrivates me to no end.