Thursday, December 3, 2009

Gossip Central

Some thoughts on recent celebrity gossip going around. Hey, why not me? I'm just as ill informed and stupid as any one on the E! Channel. Although I have yet to watch that Bruce Jenner show, so I may not be too bad. I heard Lamar Odom made a guest appearance which was nice. Those athlete/celebrities need to support each other.

Some thought on recent developments.

Tiger Woods: He leaves his house at two in the morning and immediately drives over a fire hydrant and crashes into a tree. Supposedly his smoking hot wife helps him out of the car by smashing his window out with a golf club. Why there is a golf club handy goes unquestioned. I mean, is he an enforcer for the mob or something?

Police take nearly a month (ok, a week) to conclude that this was a one person accident and that no charges will be filed. Woods will, however, need to pay a $120 ticket, which is like me paying a ticket with my navel lint.

The bigger speculation (complete bullshit) is that Tiger's wife wasn't trying to help him out of the car but was actually using the golf club on his smug face and that the accident was due to Tiger trying to flee his enraged wife. While I don't buy this plot, it is hilarious to consider Woods' fleeing his petite blonde assassin of a wife only to plow head long into a tree.

Those in Woods' tight knit Florida mansion community have testified they have seen no sign of spousal abuse. Considering their houses are only 2.4 miles apart with security barricades between all the properties, they must be considered reliable witnesses.

Now some Vegas waitress who has absolutely no ulterior motive to become famous or make money (she is a Vegas waitress after all!) has come forward to claim she's had a torrid, three year affair with Tiger Woods. She even has all the text messages between them to prove it. This announcement was made via a mass voice mail.

My Take: First, there is no way Tiger Woods could do anything with passion, so I'm suspicious of any affair described as 'torrid' involving him. Secondly, Woods' wife wouldn't be trying to kill her meal ticket with a golf club. Unless it was one of his caddy's clubs or a spare that one of the kids use. The first rule of the gold digging club is to never bite the hand that feeds. The second is not to beat the face attached to that hand into a bloody pulp. You simply file for divorce and take 75% of what he has.

Here's what I think happened. Woods' wife became suspicious of something, flew into a rage and started screaming and yelling. Woods figures he would do what he does best and drive. Only he's unaware that his wife has telekinetic abilities and used her mind to move the tree and hydrant in to the path of his car. Then she 'accidentally' hit him with the golf club while trying to extricate him from his vehicle. This despite the fact he was virtually unharmed and could open the driver side door easily.

She, of course, was just being overly zealous in protecting her loving and perfect (and fucking rich!) husband.

Isn't that obvious?

Meredith Baxter: One of the loves of my teenage life has come out of the closet and proclaimed she is a lesbian. For those unfamiliar, she is the mother on 'Family Ties' and I had many fantasies involving her, Mallory and tubs of melted butter...

...what was I talking about?

Family Ties! Right. Well, between Mallory becoming anorexic and Baxter now a 60 year old lesbian it's safe to say more than half of my teenage eroticism's look pretty comical. Wait, comical isn't the right word. Traumatic! Yeah that's it!

I should point out that Baxter announced her gayness after being spotted on an all lesbian cruise ship and went public before so she could tell her fans in her own words.

My Take: Considering her fans constitute nearly every male between the ages of 35-45, it really didn't matter where that information came from. I would like to point out that Baxter has been out of work and out of the limelight for quite some time. So, it's not like she would come out of the closet simply to get people talking about her again, right?

I mean, nobody would do that. That's just crazy talk!

Long live Mrs Keaton!!!

Jon and Kate Gosselin: Yup. Still around.

My Take: Still waiting for state of Pennsylvania to take custody of their kids. Any day now...

Ron Artest: According to an ESPN report, Ronny boy has claimed (in an interview with The Sporting News) that he used to drink at halftime of some of his games. Hennessy was his choice because it went great with the stale popcorn he would eat while on the bench (unconfirmed).

He also claims that there was nothing he could have done differently to prevent that Detroit riot/fight that has defined his NBA career. Well, until now.

My Take: Finally! I knew there was something he was holding back. That Detroit brawl wasn't because of the fans or the refs or the players. It was because of the booze. Think about it! Artest didn't go off and run into the stands until one of the Detroit fans threw beer on him. He wasn't upset at being dowsed. He was pissed because someone wasted beer! How dare they!!

You know what? I'm with Artest on this. Throwing beer is a tragedy. Drink, don't throw, people. Drink, don't throw!

Rhianna: Supposedly 'leaked' photos of her have popped up on the internet; both of the aftermath of her Chris Brown fight and nude photos she took while with an ex-boyfriend. She claims the release of these photos were 'humiliating and embarrassing'.

My Take (Warning: Cynicism Alert): While I would never condone beating a woman, it's a bit alarming to me that Rhianna seems to be playing up the angle on that entire situation. Don't believe me? Take a look at her latest album cover and decide for yourself. You can't tell me that pose isn't meant to invoke a certain sympathy. There was also her performance on the AMAs that began with her in metal mask which was dramatically removed before the song began. I'm sure that's just coincidence.

As for her nude photos, it sure seems convenient that they get 'leaked' just as her new album is released. An album title 'Rated R', for the record. Anyone famous or wanting to be famous should know better than to allow naked photos or sex tapes of themselves to be floating around anywhere. She claims that she sent them to her boyfriend at the time and that 'if you don't send nude photos to your boyfriend, then I feel bad for him'.

Really, Rhianna? If you don't send naked photos of yourself to your boyfriend it means you somehow aren't being a good girlfriend? How about just showing up in his room naked? That sure would be my preference. In an era of teenagers texting non stop, that is a fantastic message to be sending all the teenage girls who look up to you.

Quite frankly, the more I learn about you, the less I like. You may be young, rich and beautiful but you're still way too young to think you know it all. If anything, the last few months should have already taught you that.

Again, what Brown did is atrocious but I get the nagging feeling that in a few years he may be viewed in a much more sympathetic light than he is right now. Rhianna is getting confident enough to show her true self and it's a picture that gets murkier and more disturbing by the sentence.

Today's distraction: Five musical acts that need to find something else to sing about. Amen!


Clayton Bigsby said...

The Rhianna pics have been out for months, they are nice.

Tiger has never really been able to drive straight consistently and he is half Asian. Maybe that explains the accident.

He cheated. He's worth a billion. I'm not saying he gets a free pass, but like she really thought he would be faithful? He spends 10-15 weekends a year gambling in Vegas with Jordan and Barkley. In the words of Tom Jackson "C'mon Man!"

BeachBum said...

I don't get why guys like Tiger get married in the first place. Do what you want, when you retire or want to settle down then you get married.

Why get hitched when you're a rich, famous, 20 something? Baffles me.