I learned a lot last night.
I learned that I would rather lose in my fantasy league than watch the Patriots take the beating they took last night. While Brees was racking up points for me, I had my head in my hands; astonished how easily they dismantled the Pats’ defense. It was a clinic.
I – and many others – learned that the Saints are not only for real, but could be the best team in the NFL.
I learned that the Patriots are not ready for prime time. There is a lot of work to be done on both sides of the ball. Was it me or did Randy Moss quit on a few plays? It’s been a criticism of him since his Viking days, but I’ve never witnessed it since he’s been with the Patriots. Maybe it was just a bad game with poor communication. Or maybe we’re seeing the beginning of the end.
I learned that buffalo wings can still make your stomach feel like it’s filled with molten lava the next morning. Coco Puffs and milk do little to quench the fire, if you’re wondering.
I learned that some guys just don’t get it. There were two guys at the bar next to us who had a seat reserved for a third friend. The third friend showed up midway through the second quarter of the game, made small talk for approximately 20 minutes before spending a majority of time on his cell phone. Midway through the third quarter Sir Douche stands and announces, ‘I’m out. This game is over’. His friends look at him in disbelief. ‘Dude,’ one says ‘it’s not even fourth quarter.’ He makes his ‘Game’s over, guys’ excuse and leaves. A few minutes later I overhear his friends talking to each other: ‘Why do we even bother inviting him anymore?’ The lesson, gentlemen, is that an invitation to watch the game is simply a social invite. The game is secondary. Hanging out with your friends and drinking and giving each other shit is the point. Using the ‘This game is over’ excuse is the same thing as saying ‘I’m done with you guys and have more important things to be doing. There’s also a good chance I’m gay.’
I learned that I can still stay out late and be functional the next morning. I’m not ancient. Yet.
I learned that there is no end to the ways beer can be served. A group at a table behind us was served beer in a self serve mini keg thing. They just served themselves when their mugs were empty. Fucking genius!
I learned that Bud Light tastes much better on draft than out of the bottle. Don’t know what it is about Budweiser’s bottling process, but I hate Bud Light bottles. It has a weird after taste. Like its been sitting in the back of a truck for too long. But straight from the keg? Smooth and cold and yummy.
I learned Monday Night Football is much more enjoyable when you can’t hear the announcers.
I learned that GM seems to have learned nothing. While I don’t know the details, it sure looks like the bailout money we (meaning me and you reading this) gave them is being used for marketing and shoving their cars and trucks down our throats during every commercial break. Have they changed their business methods at all? When do we get our money back? And how much interest are they paying?
I learned that it’s well past time for our town to pick up recycling every week. Not every other week like it’s scheduled now. I had so many friggin’ cans and bottles and boxes and newspapers I needed three bins to fit it all. The problem being I only have one bin. I usually improvise with a second one, but needing three I simply placed bags on the sidewalk and hoped it didn’t fly away. Other cities pick up every week, why can’t we?
I learned that picking up a friend in a new car you didn’t say a word about provides its own entertainment. I called my buddy so he would in the parking lot of his apartment complex. I pull in and cruise past him. Since he’s still expecting the truck he doesn’t even look at me. I pull around and slide past him again. Real slow. I can see him looking the car over out of the corner of his eye. I stop suddenly and reverse quickly then screech to a halt right next to him. I yell ‘What the fuck are you looking at?’ He pauses, sees it’s me and relaxes. ‘You asshole,’ he says, ‘I was getting ready to either run or kick someone’s ass’. ‘Or get your ass kicked,’ I offer, ‘Don’t forget that option.’
I learned that the difference between a Toyota and a Lexus isn’t very much. Once my friend got into the new car he immediately asked how I could afford a Lexus. I told him ‘it’s a Camry, genius’. He looks it over and says ‘My sister in law just got a new Lexus and the inside looks exactly like this! There’s no difference other than hers having leather seats.’ The difference is in the price tag. I’m also betting her seats are preprogrammed and heated and massaging and provide happy endings.
I learned on the elevator news monitor that loneliness can make others feel lonely, as well. This makes loneliness the yawning of emotions; it’s contagious. So stop feeling so lonely, get out there and meet people. You big wuss. Start at the bars and leave your cell phone at home.
I learned that having three weeks of vacation can be a bit of a hassle. Especially when you figure out you have to burn 4 days in the last month of the year or lose them. Guess who’s not working a full week this entire month?
I learned that I may want to be working anyway. Remember psycho sister in law? She’s coming back for nine days around Christmas. I’ll be making excuses to come into work while she’s around. This time she’s bringing her kids, her husband, and waves of nausea with her. God help us all.
I learned that some men must shave their balls in the men’s room stalls. It’s the only way I can explain the disgusting amount of pubic hair I find on certain toilets.
I learned that what some people refer to as cynicism I refer to as realism.
I just learned that it's time to wrap this up. We'll catch up later in the week.
Today’s distraction: A real life invisible man. While this is impressive, I can’t help but think there might be something a bit off about this gent. I guess it’s the same with most other artists.