Friday, January 29, 2010

Hate List

Recent things that are driving me into a healthy rage. I feel it’s good to raise your blood pressure and vent some built up steam now and then. Don’t listen to your doctor; listen to me!

AT&T Ads: The ones that tout the advantages to their phones with ‘Our phones let you talk on the phone and surf the internet at the same time’. Well, gee, that’s fantastic. But wait! I can’t think of a single time when I’ve been on my cell and wished I could surf the web. Not once.

Knowing this, however, AT&T and a post binge, pre purge Luke Wilson give us an example of when you would need to use this: When a friend calls you from a game show needing an answer. Because that happens all the time!

Even if this situation arose and I had an AT&T phone, there is a ninety nine percent chance I would accidentally hang up on the person while shifting to speaker phone, then typing in an address on a teeny tiny keyboard.

In summary, get AT&T’s phones because it can do something you’ll have use for one time in a billion. Of course, that one time you’ll need to do it you’ll be out of AT&T’s coverage zone. Good luck with that.

Sidewalk Dog Shit: If I’m walking through someone’s back yard in an attempt to see her naked or hiking through the woods on my way to bury a body, I would watch my step in expectation of some droppings.

If I’m walking to the train station on a public sidewalk I don’t expect, nor want, to be dodging numerous piles of dog shit that some insensitive and lazy prick left for me to step in. Pick your dog’s shit up! I don’t care if there is five feet of snow on the ground. Snow melts. Dog shit doesn’t. And don’t tell me that ‘Hey, I don’t walk my dog I just let him out free’. Well then let him shit on your front sidewalk or your own backyard so you can accidentally step in it. The stupid, slobbering thing shouldn’t be out free, anyway, as my city has a leash law.

If you can’t take care of your pet then get rid of it.

People Running for the Subway: Why? Please explain this to me. Why do people sprint in a vain attempt to make a subway train that is just pulling into the station? The way they push people out of their way you’d think a terrorist attack had just taken place.

Let me fill you in on a little secret: If you miss this train there is another one 5 minutes away. Sometimes it’s only 3 minutes away. You running and flailing and pushing in a false panic is a waste of time and energy. And besides, you’re going to work. What’s the rush?

Exemptions: Running for a train that only runs once an hour I can understand. Nobody wants to hang out in a train station for an hour unless there is a bar nearby. I will also excuse anyone running for a subway when it’s 25 below and the station is elevated and in the open. Like mine was this morning.

And since we’re on the subject…

Winter: I was done with it before it was officially winter. Right around December 15th.

The State Of The Union Address: We’re in the digital age, Mr. President. You know this as you’ve released YouTube videos during your campaign. So why does the State of the Union still need to be live in prime time? Why can’t it be noon and broadcast over the internet? That’s where I get most of my information, anyway. I’ll bet that’s true for most other Americans, as well.

Don’t give me the ‘people are at work’ angle, either. Everyone is looking for excuses to get out of work all the time. And, frankly, with the economy the way it is, nobody is doing much work as it is.

Besides, if you cut out all the unnecessary standing ovations, this is technically a 15 minute speech stretched to an hour. I know this may be tough to hear for politicians, but let’s just cut the bullshit and get to the point. M’kay?

I should note that if this hadn’t interrupted ‘Modern Family’ I probably wouldn’t care.

The New Metro PCS Ad: Watch it here if you haven’t seen it. Not only is it not funny and a bit disturbing what with the extreme close ups and bizarre dancing at the end, I’m fairly sure most Indians would find it offensive. I’m referring to people from India, not Native Americans before you get all in my face with political correctness. Guess you should have watched the link, shouldn’t you have? Hmmmmm? Huh? That’s right – step away…

The Pro Bowl: I want to know who watches this. Anyone? I’m a huge NFL fan and I haven’t watched one of these my entire life. Not once. Now there is a big deal about it being before the Super Bowl which makes sense total sense when you consider the best players from the two best teams can’t participate. Well done, NFL. Way to make the most irrelevant All Star gathering even less interesting.

The Man: Despite our Gross Domestic Product experiencing more growth than any time in the past six years, unemployment rates are still hovering around the double digit percentage mark. This means that while companies are recovering from the self induced, half assed gimmick mortgage recession, they have yet to start hiring people for jobs.

‘Uh, what?’ you might be thinking? It means most companies are beginning to make money, but are still making their employees do more work for less money. In other words fuck you, that’s what.

Now would be a good time to point out that AIG executives gave themselves bonuses this year because the company experienced a twenty three billion dollar profit. Wait a damn second. Isn’t that the exact amount of money they got from us? Ha! Why, yes it is! But instead of paying us back, they’re giving it to the brain trust that ran their company into the ground and triggered one of the most catastrophic economic disasters since the Great Depression.

Since nobody really seems upset about this or cares in the least, I’m now considering the heads of AIG my new heroes. Well done, fellas! Way to fuck me over! Love it!

Toyota Leadership: I spend weeks researching, test driving, researching more and come to the conclusion that Toyotas are the way to go. I’ve just spent the last 9 years driving around in a Tacoma that I loved, so stick with what works, right? Camry here I come.

No sooner is the stupid thing in my driveway when rumors start circulating about potential gas pedal problems. Rumors like ‘the gas pedal sticks and can potentially kill everyone within a half mile radius before you realize what’s happening’.

A month later and a full blown, media frenzy, worldwide recall is issued and my new car is top of the list.

I should point out that I have not had any issues with mine, but if the possibility is there and I’m driving around with my kids in the car, it’s a concern. What really has me steamed (official medical condition) is Toyota still isn’t sure what the problem is. I got a notice about it, but they don’t have a fix. In fact, there is still some doubt as to whether there is even a mechanical problem with the car itself of if there is some other factor involved in some Toyotas racing off to commit suicide. Like demon possession.

Hey, want to hear what vehicle is not on the list? Tacomas. Yeah, they’re just fine.

Fuck me.

In a related note, way back in 2004 Fujito Cho, President and CEO of Toyota, was quoted as saying that demands of adjusting Toyota vehicles to local tastes (America, China, Europe, Japan, etc) that ‘Everybody is becoming extremely busy’ which could result in a lower level of quality.

Where were you in November, Cho? Where were you when I needed you?

Note: I just read Toyota does in fact have a fix. I learned this from the internet, Mr. President.

The Jay Leno Show: Do I need to say more? It sucks far worse than the word ‘suck’ can even describe. It’s the suckiest of all suck ass suck shows of suckiness. It doesn’t help that the producers make a point of having young people surrounding the stage when Leno comes out for his monologue, as if having college kids there will suddenly make him hip. You know what helps attracting young people? Being funny and not killing another, funnier guy’s career dream.

Massachusetts: My home state just imposed an extra 5% tax on satellite television customers. That would include yours truly. Keep in mind that this tax won’t be imposed on cable companies like ComCast or Verizon. Just DirecTV and Dish Network; two companies that don’t even use the utility company’s wiring or the city or state’s telephone poles. They are simply using the air surrounding the state to acquire a signal.

They’ll be taxing the air you breathe, next.

Kudos to both companies for joining forces and suing Massachusetts for passing this law. Fight the power!!!

Ok, I feel a bit better. Have a great weekend everyone. I’ll be trying to figure out how to survive a full weekend with no football. And, no, the Pro Bowl is not real football.

Today’s distraction: If movie posters told the truth. Hard to beat the very first one on this list.


Clayton Bigsby said...

I walk my dog most days. When it's below zero I don't. When I do I always bring a baggie. i cannot tell you how many times my dog has discovered the shit of other dogs. It's so annoying because my dog is an idiot and will try to eat the poop. It's one of my biggest pet peaves since becoming a dog owner. No pun intended there with the pet thing.

thepowerof10 said...

The fiancee and I have been informally car shopping for a month or two, and a couple weeks ago, she finally talked me into considering a Toyota Highlander (after much debate on my side). I came around on the whole idea, and come spring, I was probably going to start the test-drive-and-buy process with the Highlander at the top of the list. Not anymore. I'm back to the God damn drawing board.

Better I find out now I guess rather than being one of the poor shlubs who bought a new Toyota before this news broke ...

Ohhhh, this is awkward.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Nice idea, but will this really work?

BeachBum said...

Well done, Bigs. I do the same with mine even though I hate the fucking thing.

10, you should start looking at Ford's. Been hearing great things about them and the Edge is a sportier Highlander type.

Anon, will what really work? Venting? I find it really does. Exorcises the demons, if you will.