Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Daddy Day Care

A big part of a successful marriage is being able to compromise. For clarity’s sake, I define ‘successful marriage’ as one that doesn’t end in bloodshed, murder charges or the term ‘fugitive from justice’.

The definition of ‘compromise’ can be a bit cloudier. For example, a woman may consider an occasional guy’s nights out as a compromise. Justified in her mind as ‘Please get the fuck away from me for one night’. Or her compromise may be not purchasing her 150th pair of shoes figuring 149 should suffice until spring.

A man, on the other hand, will consider ‘compromise’ as keeping his mouth shut when his wife decides to willingly jump in to the deep end of the loony pool with both feet. A man’s logical arguments against such behavior will simply anger wife while she does what she wants regardless.

Case in point (C’mon, you knew this was going somewhere):

My brother’s wife is expecting any minute. She was in the hospital last Wednesday with contractions but they stopped and she was sent home to try again. They have a two year old who happens to be my god daughter even though I’m slightly less religious than a starved Rottweiler with a sex and crystal meth addiction.

The designation did lead Wifey and I to offer taking their two year old for a couple of nights if his wife happens to go into labor this week. It is February vacation and everyone in my house (with the glaring example of me) has the week off. Must be nice. My sister in law’s sister was originally going to watch their daughter, but they went to Disney World for the week which left them in need for a backup.

They stopped by on Saturday to make sure she would get along with our boys and get a feel for the house. No issues there. The kids were playing marvelously together for the entire stay. She even enjoyed our insane dog jumping up and down at the gate to the back hall. At least someone appreciates that.

With the day a success we wished them well and will keep our fingers crossed that she doesn’t give birth for at least another week. Nothing against my god daughter, but she’s still in diapers and I have considered myself retired from diaper duty for the past two years. I have no desire to be pressed back into service ala Schwarzenegger in 'Commando'. Only with poop. I would be a poop commando.

Later that night Wifey got a call from her brother (the one that lives in Connecticut). She hangs up and tells the boys ‘Your cousins want to come visit this week’ and they both cheer. Her brother has three daughters who love our boys and vice versa. I foolishly assumed he would drive them up, they would party for a day, then head home.

What Wifey didn’t tell me until last night was that they are coming to spend the night without either of the parents. She's actually driving halfway down to pick them up tomorrow.

When I gave Wifey the double take and ‘WHAAAAA???’ response, she tells me to calm down. ‘They get along great and you won’t have to do anything!’

I may not need to do anything, I reply, but I’m the one that needs to get up early and get ready for work. One thing I know for sure is that when they stay overnight none of the children go to sleep before eleven. You remember what sleepovers were like as a kid: laughing, playing, little sleep, trying to get the youngest to set himself on fire.

Let’s do some quick math. 3 girls + 1 girl + 2 boys = 6 kids and 1 very unhappy father who still needs to get his ass out of bed at 6 am to get to work.

Wait, not done. It came to my attention that my wife has also volunteered our services to watch my sister’s dog. Her fucking dog! Let’s keep in mind that I already have one dog I hate, why would she think it would be fine to have two and those two particular dogs would be fine sharing the back hall every night.

While I considered that my sister’s dog may actually maul to death my dog in the middle of the night, I wasn’t counting on such good luck. This means that besides having at least five children in our house (with the very real possibility of a diaper wearing sixth) there would also be two crazy dogs! I need to remind everyone it’s February in Boston which severely limits outdoor activities.

Enter compromise.

I shot down the dog idea and sighed ‘Fine!’ to the kid idea. Mainly because the kids will entertain themselves and I can probably find a place to sleep away from their rambunctiousness.

Like somewhere in California.

Today’s distraction: I’m leaving this to your own opinions as to whether this is real or not, but here is a trailer for a movie called ‘Megashark vs Giant Octopus’. That Debbie Gibson is one of the stars makes me highly skeptical. Still, it does include this over the top scene of Megashark attacking a plane (turn down volume if at work as a ‘Shit’ appropriately makes an appearance). If you would like more info on how this is possible (it’s not!) check out this highly scientific graph.

Look at that! Three distractions in one. Who loves you?


Jum said...

Hahahahaha that trailer was awesome. I would totally see that movie.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

I agree with Jim. Fucking Lorenzo Lamas is in it! Sign me up.

Clayton Bigsby said...

I would buy a ticket for this movie and see it in the theater. Amazing.

BeachBum said...

What was that Lamas television show where he rode around the country on a motorcycle? Renegade? That was craptastically fun to watch.