1: Every sport that is ‘decided’ by judging is thrown out. Figure skating? Bye! Snow boarding the half pipe? Gone! Unless they make it some sort of timed race with required jumps incorporated into it. Or even better, how about the height of their jumps combined with how fast they finish the course?
I was watching the downhill skiing moguls with the added jumps and form judgments thrown in and I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on. The guy with the best time wound up in sixth place because his knees weren’t close enough together? What?
Enough! Sports are supposed to be athletic competitions with a clear winner and loser. Can you imagine the Super Bowl being decided because Peyton Manning had better form on this spirals than Drew Brees? Exactly. Judges should be there to enforce rules, not use their subjective opinions on who performed a move more artistically.
2: If they insist on keeping figure skating, there needs to be an element of the Biathlon thrown in. I think snipers in the upper balconies from opposing countries can shoot at the skaters. Not fatal, of course, but with some Nerf arrows or soft bullets that knock their balance off. A point system could even be incorporated so hits while a skater is in the air and spinning are worth more than hits while they’re standing still.
Think of it: ‘Fancy Lad is going for the triple cow sow…. AND HE’S DOWN!! What a great shot from the German team!!!’ Oh, yeah. I would watch that.
3: Every female competition ends in a swimsuit competition. Wait. Scratch that. I’ve seen some of those European ‘female athletes’. I don’t need those visions haunting me.
4: Luge sleds can’t use special tracks. They need to use the ski slopes for their races. This increases the potential for highly entertaining and destructive crashes. Sure, some spectators may be sacrificed when a sled careens through that flimsy mesh fence, but it will be much more fun.
5: A 24 hour web feed from the Olympic Village pubs. Since it was recently revealed that the Olympics goes through record breaking condom use (think about it – 20 something athletes running high on competition and in great shape!) we need to witness what is going on behind the scenes. Besides, if an athlete has a race the next morning he or she will be much less likely to cause an international incident by being out boozing until 3 am and risk coming in 23rd place.
6: Checking will be allowed in all skating events. Speed skating, figure skating, ice dancing (what’s the difference?). All of them will allow other contestants to body check them into next week.
7: Curling will now involve beer. Kegs will be placed at the beginning and end of the path. Before and after each toss all players on each team must chug an 8 ounce beer. Face plants on the ice will quadruple and all entrants will need a super human tolerance in order to win gold. In short, I’m rigging this for Canada.
8: All male athletes must wear the same outfit. This will mean months of negotiation between the snowboarders and figure skating men. Plus there will be the very real possibility of every man from one country wearing frilly outfits.
9: Biathlon competitors need to shoot sideways; gansta style.
10: Speed skaters are no longer allowed to keep their hands behind their backs. I don’t care if it’s aerodynamic! You’re competing for a gold medal, not strolling through the park. Pump those arms!!
Beautiful day for a walk. Wish my outfit had more frills, though
11: Women’s ice hockey? I don’t think so. It’s dumped (literally and figuratively) for group sledding. In this new team sport, four people on four individual inflatable tubes attempt to stay linked together while screaming down the ski course. The team to make it the furthest while staying together and not dying wins. If two teams manage to make it to the bottom (highly unlikely), the best time wins. I would also be open to cardboard box sledding for individual honors.
12: The bobsled course will now have a loop de loop in the middle.
Enjoy the new Winter Olympics!
Today’s distraction: Be your own ski champion. You even get to take massive quantities of drugs. Take enough and the trees start dancing for you.