How are you? Been a while since we’ve had time to catch up. Hope things are going well.
Much to discuss so let’s just get right to it, shall we?
- My brackets are all officially kaput. Syracuse playing hot potato sure didn’t help. Man alive did they look awful in the first half last night. Thankfully that was one of the early games last night which meant I wasn’t thinking about any stupid brackets and got to thoroughly enjoy the Xavier – Kansas State epic. I was at a bar (no really!) and the entire place was going nuts. That is why March Madness continues to be the greatest three week stretch in sports.
- You know how most bars will take your credit card when you start a tab? Mine is still at the bar which I didn’t discover until this morning.
- Last weekend I went up to the tip top of my house to patch the leaking roof. While up there the wind started gusting fairly hard. I didn’t mind that much until I heard a shrieking sound coming from the edge of the roof. That sound was the ladder sliding off the metal gutter. The wind was blowing so hard it was knocking the ladder over.
Now, you can see how this would be a problem. Me - stuck on the top of my house because the ladder got knocked over. Since I know my disasters amuse you I know you’re laughing. Well - in yet another argument on why satellite is better than cable – the ladder was stopped when it hit my dish. This allowed me to hook it with my foot and put it upright. Score one for coincidence.
- While I was saved from having to jump 20 feet to the ground, the ladder knocked my dish out of position. As you can imagine this was a big problem considering Madness would be ensuing later that day. It took Wifey and I about 10 minutes to get the signal back. Love the dish!!
- The grocery store down the street from us has a bank of different gumball machines that sell random, cheap, crappy toys for 25 cents. Eldest decided to get him and his younger brother fake mustaches. He even got the correct colors to match their hair. He puts it on and proceeds to head outside to play basketball. ‘I’m Larry Bird today!’
He is my son.
- Our office March Madness pool is a complete and utter clusterfuck. There are only three people still alive with the chance to correctly pick the champs. One has K-State, one Kentucky and one Ohio State. None of them are in the top 15. I have never seen such a mish mash of possibilities. There is a solid chance that the winner won’t have to score more than 100 points.
- My best man has been a stay at home dad the last few months so when I suggested we get together for a round of games he enthusiastically agreed. His text to me said ‘Be here at 7 sharp! I need to get out of here!’ The joys of parenthood.
- His kid is – for lack of a better phrase – fucking enormous. His head is so big I’m shocked he can keep it upright. To make matters worse he’ll need to start wearing a helmet due to a flat spot on his skull. So this poor kid will be sporting one big ass head AND a helmet for 6 – 8 weeks. He’s going to look like a living bobblehead.
- I’ve joined a fantasy baseball league and already feel like it will be too much work. If I stay focused past May, I’ll be proud of myself. I would tell you who’s on my team, but I missed the draft and the computer picked for me. I haven’t even checked my roster. Plus, I know you really don’t care.
- Since I stayed out until the final buzzer of the double over time game last night, I am beyond exhausted. Got home around 1:30 and was up at 6. Fuck that!
- Got an email recently announcing my 25th high school reunion. Debating whether to actually go to this one or not. I have yet to make one of them and wasn’t seeing any reason to attend this one until my buddy (who also has never gone) said to me last night, ‘You know, we’re in pretty good shape. We should spend the summer kicking it up to the next level and show up to the reunion completely ripped.’
And you know what? That doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Except for the entire ‘going to the reunion’ thing. Let’s just skip that.
- Besides, I already have motivation to get in better shape. For our 15th anniversary wifey and I splurged and will be spending it in the same spot we spent our honeymoon: Grand Cayman!! Oh YEAH!!! Seven Mile Beach, here we come! We’re taking the boys with us and they are already excited to see the turtles and stingrays and tarpons. If you’ve never been and love tropical locations, make this a must stop. People are extraordinarily friendly, the weather is perfect and the water is crystal clear. Great for scuba diving and snorkeling, too! Can’t….WAIT!
- I gave ‘FlashForward’ another shot when it returned last week. My hope was they would get rid of all the moping and actually focus on telling the story. By George, I do believe they got it! The two hour episode was the best yet and I have high hopes for the rest of the season. Hopefully it wasn’t a one night stand and develops into a lasting, meaningful relationship.
That said, kill off Harold already. Or Kumar. Whichever one he is.
- I know I’m a born cynic and self created atheist, but I’m still driven insane by moments like this:
Watching a television program called ‘Chronicle’ which is a local news show that goes in depth on certain issues. This one happened to be about the medical and scientific progress being made regarding the human genome and genetic mapping. One of the segments was about a couple trying to conceive and having all sorts of problems. On top of that both of them were carrying the gene for some rare, deadly, incurable defect that they didn’t want to pass on to their child.
Enter gene mapping science to not only help them conceive (outside the womb), but to make sure that specific gene was not carried over to their baby. Everything went well. At the end of the segment they show the mother and father playing with their adorable little girl. The wife says to the reporter, ‘She really is God’s little miracle!’
Sorry, lady, God had absolutely NOTHING AT ALL to do with your baby. Not one fucking thing. You should be thanking science and the doctors and research and that you had enough money to pay for this procedure (over 100 grand). Just say ‘We’re so lucky we have her’ and leave God out of it. If God existed and was sending you any message it sure seemed to be ‘Don’t ever have kids’.
- Last week I finagled an invite to another charity function that included silent auctions on several local games. My brother in law and I left the wives at home and had a good time drinking free beer and eating food provided by Kelly’s Roast Beef. While chatting I was struck by the stunning number of good looking women attending. They were everywhere.
After the fifteenth looker walked by, I said to my brother in law, ‘Why didn’t we know about these things when we were single?’ He wholeheartedly agreed.
Therefore, I’m passing along this tip to all the single guys out there. Get yourself on the charity circuit. You might have to dress up a bit, but it will be well worth your time. Normally these things have a cover charge but there will likely be free booze and food and women EVERYWHERE!
And there is an added benefit. Silent auctions are the best place to find good tickets to games for below face value prices. I scored two tickets to the Celtics – Thunder game next Wednesday night. They’re in the Club Level and I paid $150 less than face value.
It all went to the Make a Wish Foundation, too, so you’ll be contributing to a very good cause no matter what charity event you choose.
On that ‘get single guys laid’ note, I’ll consider my job here done.
Enjoy the weekend!
Today’s distraction: Your survival guide for taking a dump at work. I suggest they add this to every Employee Handbook.