I’m flying solo for tonight’s Lost, so thought I would mix things up. That’s right, I’m writing this live while watching Part 7. I’ll offer thoughts as they happen, bring up random questions as they pop into my deranged, liquor damaged brain (don’t get me started on the liver), and perhaps accidentally stumble upon the solution as to what’s going on.
In other words, this is going to be a muddled mess. I’ll try to clean it up when I get done.
Let’s make sure I’m ready to go.
Laptop fully charged? Check!
Boys firmly in bed? Well, no so there will be interruptions.
Gin and tonic refilled? Check! Reference this if things start slurring by the end.
DVR primed and ready? What, you think I’m an amateur?
Snacks? Not really hungry, but thanks for asking. Besides it steals stomach room from the gin and tonics and I have priorities.
The one question I want answered tonight: How does Widmore and his crew stay alive in that plastic submarine?
Let’s get this party rolling! Read no further if you haven’t watched.
Is there a more excitement inducing introduction than that guy saying ‘A new Lost starts… right now!’? No, I don’t think there is.
Opening scene and already Sawyer’s thrown out a ‘son of a BITCH!’ Nice to have you back Sawyer. Turns out he and Jin were hanging out at Claire’s…uh…camp? What do you call a house that looks like an upside down pasta strainer? Team Locke arrives back and Sawyer is less than thrilled to see Kate amongst them.
New Question: Did Fake Locke not show Claire how to protect herself from the elements? What kind of friend is he? She’s in a friggin’ rain forest. The leaves on the trees are like pillows. Use them!
Cut to Real World where Sawyer just finishes pleasuring some hottie who I think we’ve seen before. Who is she again?
What We Learned: Sawyer is as good in bed as he is in ad-libbing nicknames. I’m feeling a strange sensation…is that…jealousy? Good thing he’s a fictional character.
She calls him Jimmy and unbelievable. After reminding him he’s nearly late, ‘Jimmy’ jumps out of bed and accidentally knocks open a suitcase full of cash. Just like his old con days.
New Question: If he isn’t going by Sawyer but by his given name (James) is he no longer a con man?
He tells the girl it’s for an investment, but she pulls a gun on him and tells him she’s married to a con man and can see his game. Sawyer tells her she’s stupid (which is kind of true) because the place is surrounded by cops, the case has a tracer and she just needed to hand it over to her husband. They can still make a deal.
She doesn’t believe him, tells him he’s a lousy con man so he says ‘LaFleur’ and cops bust down the door. Including his partner: PAD!! WHOA!!
What We Learned: Sawyer is a cop! Uh…What??!! Surprise is right!!
What We Learned: PAD is his partner!
Ad Time: Hey, this French chick (Italian?) didn’t want her pc to crash so she told that to Microsoft. Isn’t that like me telling Budweiser I don’t want to get drunk?
We’re back and there is CC (Crazy Claire) playing with her doll again. Turns out it was ‘all she had’. Fake Locke acts like every CEO in America and will make himself available for questions.
New Questions: Does he screen his questions psychically before hand? Will he turn into Smoky and massacre the asker if he doesn’t like his or her tone? You think Smoky gets sarcasm?
Flight Attendant asks what happened to the people in the Temple and FL tells her that the black smoke killed them. He neglects the part about him being the black smoke which could be useful information. Meanwhile, Claire holds Kate’s hand but Kate doesn’t seem to be buying the fake affection.
Sawyer and Kate hook up (not like that) and he makes sure that Jack and Hurley got out of the Temple. He asks about Miles but Kate isn’t sure. She asks ‘So you’re with Locke now?’ to which he answers, in typical Sawyer manner ‘I ain’t with anybody, Kate’.
Back to Real World: Detective James Ford is calling a list of Anthony Coopers. PAD informs him that he has set Sawyer up on a date with a friend of his father (Dr. Dharma!!).
What We Learned: Dr Dharma is off the island and has relationship with PAD
New Questions: Is he still missing an arm? Is he running an escort service?
New Question: Is Sawyer hunting down Anthony Cooper because he conned his parents out of money, thus still provoking his father’s suicide?
PAD tells Sawyer that he can be honest with him about anything. Sawyer responds with ‘Why the hell would I lie?’
New Question: Does PAD not have psychic abilities in the Real World?
Back to the jungle. Sawyer confronts FL about when they are getting off the island. Sawyer wants off now, but FL says it will be a couple of days. They go to talk in private and Locke confesses to Sawyer that he is ‘the smoke thing’. FL explains that he gave the Temple people the opportunity to leave peacefully but they thought they were protecting the island from him, but all he wants to do is leave.
What We Learned: Fake Locke doesn’t like getting interrupted. Also, it’s kill or be killed now. Not a hell of a lot of room for negotiation, I guess.
Fake Locke tells Sawyer he needs to go to Hydra Island, find out everything about the Ajira passengers and report back.
What We Learned: Fake Locke can’t see where everyone is on the island or he would know that Ilana and the rest are at the beach on the main island. Although I think he knows that anyway.
What We Learned: Sawyer is the best liar FL has ever seen which I guarantee will bite him in the ass before the end of this show.
FL explains why Sawyer will go to Hydra: ‘We get on that plane, we fly off this island and we never look back’.
New Questions: Does FL realize that Sawyer will see the crumpled wreck of Ajira when he gets there? What then? Doubt that plane is in any way classified as FAA flight worthy.
Sawyer in Real World going on his blind date with a red head. While I’m not gay or anything, I have to admit Sawyer looks good.
What We Learned: Charlotte of the melting brain is his blind date.
What We Learned: Charlotte is an archeologist and is exactly like Indiana Jones. Or so she says.
Again Sawyer is presented with ‘tell me the truth’ and he explains that he reached a point in his life that he simply chose cop over criminal.
New Question: Does cop pay better or worse than criminal? Because Sawyer is wearing some nice threads. Again, no homo.
Oh, and he’s nailing Charlotte.
What We Learned: Charlotte has some pale skin. And Sawyer is reading ‘Watership Down’. I’m sure that means something with this show.
New Question: Is there anyone on this show Sawyer hasn’t nailed? Kate, Juliet, Charlotte. If I were Jin, I’d be concerned.
What We Learned: Sawyer does exist! And Jimmy is just as messed up about his parents as Sawyer is.
Back to the island and we see Sawyer arriving on Hydra. He longingly remembers the cage in which he nailed Kate and the dress she left behind.
New Question: Did Kate leave that cage naked? I’m 95% sure I would have remembered that.
Kate confronts Sayid about Fake Locke, asking if he believes him. He does. She asks if he’s ok, he says no. Just then CC attacks while Sayid simply watches. Fake Locke comes in and easily throws Claire off Kate. He explains that Kate couldn’t find her and the she did what she had to do. He even slaps Claire (which was a long time coming!)
What We Learned: Fake Locke hits women.
What We Learned: Kate is NOT ALRIGHT!
Back to Hydra and Sawyer has found Ajira in one piece.
New Question: Did I miss something? Did that plane land in one piece? I thought a wing was lost at least. Right?
Sawyer notices real dead Locke’s coffin trail. Follow it, Sawyer!! Oh, he’s following!! Whoops, big pile of dead bodies with flies. He turns when he hears someone and he starts chasing after them. He tackles a woman and she confesses that she’s the only one from the flight left. I’m sure Sawyer will be sleeping with her in no time.
What We Learned: She’s the only one left but seems immune to Sawyer’s charms so I’m assuming she’s a lesbian.
Back to Real World: Charlie’s bro!!! The other half of Drive Shaft is trying to get Charlie out of jail. He stops Sawyer, but it’s ‘not his department’. He’s then confronted by PAD about why he was in Australia when he said he was in Palm Springs. PAD breaks up with Sawyer when he won’t tell him why he was there. And what does Sawyer do? That’s right. Punches a mirror!
Yet another mirror moment for this season in Lost.
Back to Hydra and Tina Fey is telling Sawyer that she went to get wood when she heard screaming and that everyone was dead.
New Question: Did Smokey kill the survivors of Ajira?
What We Learned: God’s got nothing to do with it.
Kate and Fake Locke have a pow wow where FL explains that he needed to give Claire something to hate to keep her going. Man, I can smell the bullshit through my set. She asks where Sawyer went, Locke offers to show her, but she doesn’t accept his hand as an offer.
New Question: By not touching Fake Locke did Kate just save herself from infection?
Back to Hydra where Sawyer and Tina Fey are heading back to the main island. She is obviously Smoky bait and on very limited time. Oh, damn!! I was wrong. She is called on her bluff by Sawyer who is quickly taken captive by men hiding in the bush (no sexual euphemism there, they were actually hiding behind a bush).
New Question: Are these Ilana’s people? And why did they leave the bodies out like that? I mean, damn!
Ad Time: Hey, look, it’s an iPhone commercial. That’s just what it needs is some exposure so people can hear about it! Is being able to turn your lights off at home really why you don’t go anywhere without your iPhone? It’s not because you’re addicted to Twitter or Facebook or Texting, right?
Fake Locke and Kate sit on a beach looking over at Hydra and have a heart to heart. He explains that he understands how Kate is feeling because he had a crazy mother, too. He tells her this because now Aaron has a crazy mother, too.
What We Learned: Fake Locke has zero tact and many growing pains that he’s still trying to work his way through. Considering he's 1000 years old, he may want to give up on self improvement.
New Question: Does Kate realize that Fake Locke is the main reason Aaron has a crazy mother, too? Man that’s a catch 22 for you.
Back to Hydra: Sawyer sees Team Ilana erecting a transmitter and is brought to Widmore’s sub. Score! Way off the island sans Fake Locke.
Oh, man. Back to Real World where Sawyer takes like lessons from Michael Landon. He shows up at Charlotte’s with a sunflower and ‘puppy dog eyes’ but is rebuffed by the crazy redhead.
What We Learned: Sawyer likes ‘Little House on the Prairie’ and Charlotte is one tough broad. Also, Sawyer is a smart man for leaving the flower at Charlotte’s door but keeping the beer.
Back to the sub where Sawyer meets with Widmore. He tells Sawyer how sad it is how little he really knows. Sawyer makes a deal with Widmore that he will lead Fake Locke back to Hydra so Widmore can kill him on the condition that nobody else gets hurt and he gets them off the island.
New Question: What’s in the locked room?
What We Learned: Sawyer really isn’t with anyone and now is in league with Widmore. Well, for now, anyway.
New Question: Is Sawyer playing more than one game we’re aware of? He has a lot of balls in the air right now (not counting his own).
Back to the island where Claire apologizes to Kate in a sincere and tearful way. Yes, I’m confused. It’s like Claire is herself again. She even thanks Kate for watching after Aaron.
New Question: Is this Fake Locke disguised as Claire?
Sawyer returns to Fake Locke, tells them everyone is dead from Ajira and that Widmore is over there waiting for them. Fake Locke is not happy about that. Sawyer also tells him that they’re setting up a new sonic fence to keep out that ‘smoke thing’. Sawyer is surprisingly candid with Fake Locke about setting a trap for him.
New Question: Is Sawyer really loyal to Fake Locke? I think there is some elaborate con game he’s playing.
Real world again. He picks up PAD and shows him the Sawyer file. ‘Who’s Sawyer?’ PAD asks. Sawyer explains that his past is still the same. His father was conned, shot his mother then shot himself and he’s been hunting down that con man ever since he joined the force. He got the name Anthony Cooper from Sidney and that when he finds this man he will kill him.
New Questions: Does this mean Sawyer did NOT kill the wrong man in Australia? Like in Island World? What changed with Sawyer that led him to law enforcement instead of conning people out of their money?
Just as they’re bonding, a car crashes into them (I know it’s got to be Kate. She runs like a girl). They take off after the suspect. Sure enough it’s Kate which gets another ‘Son of a bitch’ out of Sawyer.
On the island Kate and Sawyer share a camp fire. She asks why he’s running errands for Locke. He says he’s not running errands for anyone and wants Locke and Widmore to fight it out while they make their escape. Kate asks who will fly the plane.
‘We ain’t taking the plane, freckles. We’re taking the sub!’
New Question: How the hell does Sawyer know how to captain a sub?
New Question: Does Widmore really want to kill Fake Locke?
So there you go, friends. I have to be honest: this was exhausting. I can’t do this again. My fingers are sore and I was interrupted about 15 times by my youngest coming down because he couldn’t sleep. Screw this.
Back to the routine next week.
Today's distraction: How fairy tales really end. This better not be where Lost is heading in it's final season.