Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Immortality

Since Lost was a repeat last night, I’m going to take this opportunity to contribute to the betterment of humankind. Gleaned from my decades upon decades of painstaking (half assed) research (living a torrid and dangerous lifestyle) here are some tips for creating a healthier and happier you.

Remember, a happy you means everyone else in this world will put up with your bullshit more readily. It really is a benefit to everyone.

Drink Beer: Did you forget who was writing this? Come on, none of you are new here. I should point out that this isn’t simply a ‘Let’s party!’ life slogan. Well, it is…but it isn’t JUST that. See, beer is actually good for you. It lowers your chances of heart disease by up to 40%, prevents blood clots (by getting them drunk and rolling them like a seasoned prostitute), increases good cholesterol, and helps reduce stress by making everything else totally inconsequential.

If all that wasn’t enough, it’s friggin’ delicious and helps get you laid if enough of it is applied to the proper person.

Still, I realize not everyone is a beer person, so go with red wine (provides the same benefits) if beer does not please your palate. Although, I will question your palate’s ability to distinguish shit from chocolate if that is the case.


Drink Coffee: Besides being the necessary nutrient my brain needs to function (such as that function is) in the morning, coffee also provides other meaningful health benefits. For example, regular coffee drinkers are 80% less likely to develop Parkinson’s disease. I assume this is because getting the sugar into the cup would be nearly impossible with all that shaking, not to mention the skin burns from all that spilt coffee. Other studies have shown that it can reduce your risk of colon cancer and type 2 diabetes while improving athletic performance and muscle recovery following a workout.

If all that isn’t enough to get you on board with the secondary nectar of the gods, consider this: Men who drink coffee are more sexually active later in life than men who do not.

Hello, Starbucks? Do you have a Big Gulp?


Eat Fruit: You would think this is an obvious one, but it’s ignored by too many people. I have become a fruit freak the last year or so, obsessing about when apple season starts, when the best time of year for blueberries is, where strawberries have come from, or whether there are deadly spiders hiding in the banana bunches. Not to get all preachy (fuck it!), but I feel a hundred times better since I’ve added fruit to my daily diet.

If you need specifics, know that all kinds of fruit will increase your memory efficiency, decrease your cholesterol, likelihood of heart disease and strokes. Plus it…um….regulates your digestive system. If you know what I mean.

Poop.

Poop is what I mean.


Laugh: Especially at yourself. While we are all familiar with the age old saying ‘Laughter is the best medicine’, it hasn’t been until recently research has proven how right that is.

Laughter relieves muscle tension and stress (even up to 45 minutes after laughing is done and the tears from reading my entries have dried on your cheeks), boosts your immune system by increasing immune cells and infection fighting antibodies, and improves blood function to protect you from heart attacks. It also makes you feel good all over by releasing endorphins and can even relieve pain, although how funny anything can be while in excruciating agony is a question only those televised on ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ can answer.


Get Married*: Hear me out. The CDC recently released findings that, against all common sense, says married people are healthier both mentally and physically than single people.

Married folk are less likely to drink heavily (apparently I wasn’t included in this study), smoke or be physically inactive (because we’re fighting for our lives). The CDC also says that married people are less likely to suffer from headaches and ‘psychological distress’, although some would argue those two symptoms describe marriage perfectly. Maybe married people have just adapted to psychological distress better than single people.


*Or Don’t: Let’s face it, there are some people just not cut out for marriage. People who don’t want to or are unable remain faithful to one person their entire lives. It’s time to stop pretending this isn’t a reality. People tend to get married because it’s what they are expected to do, not because it’s what they truly want. Besides, the above CDC study also concluded that married men are more likely to be obese than single men.

Food for thought.

Speaking of food….


Eat A Big Breakfast: As I mention last week, it appears eating a hefty breakfast may be better for you than not eating anything at all. A breakfast high in fat tends to increase your metabolism and helps prevent you from becoming a stationary lard of inactivity. The rule seems to be: Big breakfast, standard lunch, light dinner. I would suggest a big bowl of fruit salad for dinner, although you may wake in the middle of the night with a massive case of ‘my dinner is escaping through my colon’.


Take A Daily Nap: I have been fighting for years to get my workplace to create a nap room in our office. Unfortunately, nobody takes me seriously regarding anything. I could yell fire at an office meeting and everyone would wait for a punchline while we perish in flaming agony. I suppose I only have myself to blame.

I’m not joking about this, though. Napping has positive effects on job performance, memory retention, mood, all five senses and brain functioning. Keep in mind that these benefits are for naps between 15 and 30 minutes. Anything longer than that can have a negative effect on you. I’m assuming this would include grogginess and loss of employment.


Have Sex: This list has somehow morphed into everything I love about life. No, I’m not just trying to invent reasons for me to have more sex, although I probably could if I had to. Turns out I don’t have to because science has done it for me. Science rules!

Sex, it turns out, has several health benefits. Besides burning calories and feeling really, really, really (insert infinity symbol here) good, sex boosts your immune system by increasing the antibody immunoglobulin A, relieves stress in the best way possible, boosts self esteem, improves cardio vascular health, and has been shown to reduce pain.

For all us men, there is one more reason: Having regular sex reduces the risk of prostate cancer. Frequent ejaculations – especially by men still in their twenties – reduces the chance of developing PC by over a third. Of course, as well all know, frequent ejaculations by men in their twenties doesn’t necessitate a partner.

Don’t tell the wife or girlfriend that, though. Just use it as an excuse to have more sex. ‘Honey, do you want me to get cancer? Great! Bend over. This will only take a minute.’


BONUS FOR MEN

Eat Peanut Butter: I shit you not! Turns out PB and its monounsaturated fats (the same healthy ones olive oil contains) are extremely good for you. It reduces your risk of heart disease, increases your body’s production of testosterone (so you ladies may want to take pause while eating a full jar of it lest you sprout a moustache over night), and can produce firmer and longer lasting erections.

Peanut butter: love potion. Who knew? Well, Brigham and Women’s hospital in Boston for one. Seems they ran a weight loss study and found men who eat peanut butter as part of their daily diet lose more weight and keep that weight off than those who focus on a low fat, low calorie diet.

Did I mention the rock hard erections?

There you go, fellow life travelers. Follow the rules above (in moderation, of course) and you’ll live long and prosper. Well, maybe not prosper, but you should live long anyway. Whether that's under a bridge or in a mansion is really up to you.

If you take into account all of the above, your daily schedule should look like this:

Wake up and have sex

Breakfast of coffee with bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich

Lunch of PB&J with beer

Sex

Nap

Fruit salad for dinner

Sex with beer

Seinfeld and Family Guy reruns

Sex with coffee flavored beer

Marriage at some point

If you can figure out how to get married while drinking a coffee/beer mixture and eating a peanut butter fruit salad sprinkled with bacon while fitting in a nap…

…well….

…you just might live forever.


Today’s distraction: Top 10 substitutes for junk food. Number 8 is something I’ve always enjoyed, anyway. If given a choice I will take dark chocolate over milk chocolate every time. But, sorry, #2. There is no substitute for ice cream. Certainly not what you’re suggesting.