Friday, April 23, 2010

Organizing the Mind

Random thoughts cluttering my chaotic mind.

File Under ‘They Grow Up So Fast’: Baseball season for 9 year old started Tuesday night and immediately smashed me in the mouth with the fact he’s no longer a young one. In his first at bat he screamed a line drive into left center to drive in two runs. But it wasn’t the hit that impressed me; it was the swing.

If you’ve ever watched little kids swing at a baseball you fully aware that they are a work in progress. They don’t take a step into the ball or they don’t swivel their hips or they swing at balls over their heads. Eldest has had the problem of not putting his entire body into the swing, just using his arms. Not this time. While I wish I could compare him to a Red Sox player, this particular swing looked just like Derek Jeter.

Early retirement, here I come!

File Under ‘Maybe You Should Admit You Were Juicing’: US Olympic gold medalist LaShawn Merritt is facing a suspension after failing a drug test. The steroid DHEA was found in his system. The twist in this story is Merritt is claiming he wasn’t taking steroids for training purposes but that he was taking an over the counter ‘male enhancement’ product.

I’ve got to hand it to him; this could either be the most effective misdirection excuse of all time (although he’s setting himself up for small penis jokes the rest of his life. ‘No wonder he’s so fast! Less wind resistance!’) or he’s playing a joke on everyone. He’s even quoted as saying he ‘can’t get his hands around’ this issue.

In a related note, I can never understand why guys would take any of these so called ‘enhancements’. If everything is working, why take any sort of risk regarding your junk? I’m a firm believer in ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. Risking side effects or even personal injury to gain an inch or so (if this shit even works), doesn’t seem to be a worthwhile gamble.

Ask yourself this is you’re considering any of these products: Is everything working? Does it provide pleasure to both me and my partner? If the answer is yes, leave it alone. Women, that goes for you and any sort of ‘enhancements’ you may be considering, as well. Keep things natural.

File Under ‘Obesity? We’re Saving America!’: While I enjoy that Denny’s guy (‘I don’t know who this Mr Chino is, but I sure do like his pants’), I was fairly sure Denny’s was promoting America’s obsession with becoming super sized by offering three and four dollar artery clogging breakfasts.

Turns out they may be taking the right approach. According to a new study from the University of Alabama, fatty foods for breakfast may be healthier than we are led to believe. They studied the old saying ‘Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, dinner like a pauper’ and found that diet reduced the likelihood of ‘metabolic syndrome’ (aka: becoming a fatty).

Here’s a quote and everything: ‘the research team found that fat intake at the time of waking seems to turn on fat metabolism very efficiently’.

The lesson? East a double cheeseburger for breakfast, not dinner. Does Sonic serve breakfast? Jum should know the answer to that one.

Oh, and if you were going to ridicule this study because it came from Alabama as I was ready to do (had a joke about grits ready and everything), turns out UAB has one of the best medical programs in the country. Fuck you, Harvard.

File Under ‘Maybe The Mayans Really Did Know Something’: Let’s consider the following events: Massive earthquake in Haiti followed by even more massive earthquake in Chile which created a minor tsunami and another fairly large earthquake on Friday. Now consider the massive amount of rain we’ve had the last two months, the Iceland volcano that nobody can pronounce without a full day of training and you can see how the world ending in 2012 could be a real possibility.

If that’s the case, I’m going to be royally PISSED I put all that money into my 401K. I mean, fuck that man. Let’s go party.

If you still have doubts about the upcoming apocalypse, let me just point out that Tim Tebow was taken in the first round by the Denver Broncos and the Detroit Lions made a sensible, non wide receiver pick. Scared yet?

File Under ‘I Really Wish I Could Remember My Dreams’: Wifey informed me I was talking in my sleep the other night and was talking ‘suggestively’ to someone. Sadly, I can’t remember the dream or if Mila Kunis was involved. On the other hand, it’s probably good another woman’s name wasn’t uttered during my sleep talking. That would have been bad.

File Under ‘To Protect and Serve’: Boston Police assigned to a cool quarter of a million dollar, high speed boat fell asleep on watch last month. Seems they didn’t notice the boat come loose from its mooring during one of our rain storms and the boat simply drifted away. Other officers found it bumping and grinding with the Summer Street bridge later on. The boat sustained $75,000 worth of damage and the three officers in charge of the boat have since been transferred to other departments.

File Under ‘At Least They Have Their Priorities Straight’: During the past five years 33 SEC employees had been using their government issued computers to download and view porn. Score! Surprisingly, one of these was a female attorney who admitted to watching porn up to 8 hours a day on her work computer. Tax payers money hard at work.

My favorite quote, though is this: ‘In fact, this attorney downloaded so much pornography to his government computer that he exhausted the available space on the computer hard drive’. Holy shit! That, my friends, is a boat load of porn! Can you imagine that IT guy explaining to this douche why his computer was running so slow?

File Under ‘Maybe He’s Just An Asshole’: Once again A-Rod is receiving flak for crossing some imaginary line of unwritten baseball rules. Frankly, some of these ‘unwritten rules’ seem arbitrary and bullshit, but it makes me wonder if other players simply don’t like A-Rod for reasons we aren’t aware of. I hate A-Rod for purely subjective reasons (he’s a Yankee and socially retarded), but I’m beginning to wonder if anyone likes this dude.

File Under ‘Good Or Bad News?’: You can make up your own minds.

File Under ‘One More Reason To Dump Comcast’: Seems the FCC was trying to curb Comcast’s habit of ‘strangling’ certain websites to suit their own needs. Unfortunately, courts shot down the FCC’s attempt to regulate what ISPs can and cannot do.

If you’re wondering, Comcast was intentionally slowing download speeds from certain sites in order to prevent movie and music downloads. The FCC was arguing for ‘net neutrality’ and was told by the US circuit courts that that does not fall into their jurisdiction.

File Under ‘There Is Good Television’: If you haven’t seen an episode of Discover Channel’s ‘Life’, yet, put it on your DVR or TiVo list. Breathtaking visuals (made for HD) and educational for the young ones. Also gives you a look into how they got the footage with two to three minute interviews with the camera crews. Patience, apparently, is the key to everything.

File Under ‘Negativity Works’: After complaining about both the Red Sox lack of personality or urgency, they win two games in walk off fashion. After complaining about the Celtics lack of defense, they completely clamp down on Miami for two games in a row.

Let’s hope both trends continue.

Today’s distraction: As a tribute to Merritt, bounce some balls around. Enjoy your weekends.


Jum said...

Ohhhh you better believe Sonic serves breakfast.

Clayton Bigsby said...

I've had two dreams I remembered this past week and they were both about breakfast foods. That's so weird.

Anonymous said...

I have been watching the Life series here and there. I think I'm through 4 episodes. They are stunning. Too bad Oprah is doing the narrating. I wonder if Morgan Freeman simply charges too much money now that he knows that everyone loves his voice. Personally, I would love James Earl Jones' voice on this show. Is he still alive?

BeachBum said...

I agree about Oprah. Her voice is grating to any straight male while bliss to any female. It's bizarre.

I always thought having Will Farrell ad lib his way through a narration would be fantastic, but that may limit the audience a bit.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

Wow I agree with both of you on the Oprah thing, which is why I watch Life on mute.