Yesterday was Patriot’s Day here in the fine city of Boston. For the rest of the country this means ‘Oh, that boring marathon is being run again’. Well, yeah, but it’s the country’s longest running boring marathon, so there.
Besides – like St Patrick’s Day, Cinco De Mayo, and Tuesdays - this is just another excuse for Bostonians to get shitfaced before noon. Believe me, there can be no shortage of those.
Let’s run down the typical Patriot’s Day for the Boston area.
Time: Way too fucking early
What is it?: The annual reenactment of the very first Revolutionary War battle is staged in Lexington. This is the real reason we celebrate Patriot’s Day in Boston. April 19th, 1775 was the first battle of the birth of America. Eight Americans (Minutemen at the time since we didn’t have an actual nation, yet) died. I wonder if it really took place at the ass crack of dawn, as well?
Be thankful you don’t live in that area as they have actual gunfire, adult men pretending to be shot and falling down, and lots of yelling and screaming.
I don’t care what day it is, that ain’t going to fly. I get pissed when someone accidentally sets off a car alarm in my neighborhood before dawn. I can’t even imagine men playing dress up, firing muskets, and screaming in fake agony outside my window.
I think I speak for most Americans when I say ‘Fuck THAT!’
Things to know: The people involved in this take it VERY seriously. Fist fights have been known to break out because someone fell down and died in the wrong spot on the battlefield. Only – you know – after the war was over.
This battle was also the origin of the phrase ‘Shot heard ‘round the world’ coined by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It really has nothing to do with a World Series home run. Sorry to burst that bubble.
As far as I can tell, there are no kegs of beer the ‘dead’ can retreat to after being fake shot, which makes me wonder why they do this at all.
Time: 10ish, unless you’re racing in a wheelchair (9ish) or an elite woman runner (9:30). Everyone else just waits their turn in the human sea of insanity.
What is it?: Idiots putting their bodies through unimaginative horrors by running 26.2 miles. The winner is usually African and has already showered, napped and spent half his hundred grand winnings by the time the last person has crossed the finish line. This year’s male winner broke the course record by finishing in 2:05:52. In the time it took you to eat lunch, this dude ran half a marathon.
Let’s break that down so we can all appreciate it. I’ll round things off because I’m terrible at math. 26 miles in 2 hours and 6 minutes (see how I round off?). That would be 126 minutes. 126 minutes divided by 26 miles comes out to 4.84 (and a bunch of numbers following).
Holy shit! This guy was averaging less than 5 minute miles for 26 miles. Next time you’re on that tread mill increase the pace to match 5 minute miles and tell me that’s not fucking impressive. He basically sprinted the entire way.
Things to know: This is more fun than games. You’ll see people running as beer cups, slices of cheese, dressed as cartoon characters (imagine that chafing), and as other genders. Along the course will be fans cheering, handing out water, encouraging the laggers and asking for kisses.
Yeah, just so happens that Wellesley College is right along the marathon course. This brings out all the lovely ladies to greet runners with signs like ‘Kiss me, I’m a senior…and kinda drunk’ and ‘Kiss me, I’m gay’ which raises more questions than a simple sign should (girls only? Are guys allowed?), ‘I majored in kissing’ which must make Dad proud, and – my personal favorite – ‘We won’t tell your wife’.
I have to admit that these girls actually make me consider running the marathon until I remember I would have to run. A marathon.
RED SOX GAME
Time: 11:05 am first pitch.
What is it?: A fucking baseball game. What are you? Retarded?
Sorry, I’m just angry at the state of the home baseball team. Last week I wrote that it was time to sit Big Papi. Well, it might be time to sit the entire team and call up the scrubs from Triple A. With the exception of Pedroia and Hermidia, nobody is doing anything on this team. Over the weekend they had the bases loaded with nobody out in the bottom of the 11th inning and couldn't score and wound up losing the game. Well done.
For a team built around pitching and defense it sure seems like nobody can pitch or play defense. That, as you can imagine, is a huge problem. Mike Cameron, a man brought in specifically for his defense, dropped a routine ball that resulted in four runs scoring in the inning. Marco Scutaro, a man brought in for his defense, has made two costly throwing errors already. John Lackey, a man brought in for his pitching, got crushed.
Yes, I know it’s still early. The Red Sox won’t be this bad, but there sure are early warning signs that this is again a team with little personality and even less fight in them. They are a passionless bunch who play baseball as though programmed and not because they enjoy it.
Basically, the Red Sox are the polar opposites of the Rays, who are a fun loving, athletic, exciting team to watch even as they’re beating the ever living shit out of your home team.
Things to know: The Rays swept the Red Sox for the first time ever in a four game series at Fenway.
The Red Sox have now lost 5 straight and are now 1-6 at home. At Fenway. Let that sink in for a bit.
Yesterday was the first Red Sox loss on Patriot’s Day since Terry Francona arrived.
Time: 7ish or so.
What is it?: Hockey game that I have absolutely no interest at all in. The NHL lost me about a decade ago and I have not returned. On the bright side I heard the Bruins won.
Things to know: This is not normally a Patriot’s Day event. Just so happened the playoff schedule fell in their favor. Big fucking whoop.
What is it?: Damn fun, is what!
Things to know: I will never ever stop.
Today’s distraction: Some of the worst jokes ever. They are entertaining in an eye rolling, groan inducing way. Like watching ‘Glitter’.