Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Week Three Postmortem

Sunday I spent my day watching football at my buddy’s house.  He does not have the NFL RedZone channel and I must admit to being out of my element.  He has been invited for a life altering experience at my house two Sundays from now. 

Still, I had a great time.  No kids, no wives, two bowls of chili, several buffalo chicken wings, tacos and one nuclear ass explosion a day later.  Even better I finally got my first fantasy win of the year.  I actually really like my team, but I’ve faced two killer performances: Peyton Manning in week one, Jahid Best in week two.   I thought I was in for another fuck over since my opponent on Sunday was playing Anquan Boldin who nearly single handedly beat me. 

Seriously, what the fuck?  My buddy has two wins and 90 points less than my team.  That’s bullshit. 

Let’s get to the games since you don’t really care about my fantasy life. 

-  Yes, the Bears are 3 – 0.  Yes, Cutler is putting up good numbers.  But watching last night’s game he is still making wild throws that seem to go to nobody but the opposing team.  The end zone interception wasn’t close to any Bears’ player and there were at least two more passes that should have been picked off because he over threw his target by ten feet.   So, what are we to make of this Chicago team?  If Cutler continues to play like this, they’ll be .500 by the end of the year.  The defense can only do so much. 

-  As for Green Bay, where is this high powered offense we were promised?  Maybe losing Ryan Grant has thrown things off, but they’ve looked out of sync for three straight weeks now.  It stops becoming an aberration and starts becoming a trend at some point. 

-  I have a dreadful feeling the Patriots are the worst 2 – 1 team in the league.  They looked terrible against Buffalo.  Terrible!!!  Brady, cut your hair and see if that helps turn things around.  Girly man!

-  While Detroit maybe the most entertaining terrible team to watch (although they weren’t so entertaining on Sunday), the best entertaining team to watch is – wait for it – Kansas City.  I have both Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles on my team and am seriously considering playing them both going forward. 

-  Since we’re here, are we sure San Diego isn’t simply a terrible team?

-  While everyone is raving about the Falcons going into New Orleans and beating the Saints, let’s all remember the Saint’s would have won that game 9 out of 10 times.  Atlanta lucked out.  That’s all. 

-  This Titans team looks better and better every week.  They’ve made all three of their opponents look terrible, which, after three games is certainly a pattern to watch. 

-  Speaking of making other teams look terrible, this Steelers’ defense could be one of the best of my life time.  And I remember the ’85 Bears. Although, Charlie Batch?  Really? 

-  Carolina is doing its best to secure the top pick in the draft next year.  Clausen looked totally over whelmed and the vaunted rushing attack has done virtually nothing all season.  I was excited that Jonathan Stewart fell to me in my draft and now I’m considering dropping him.  I won’t though.  Maybe the Panthers will trade him to a team that needs a running back.  Like Seattle or San Diego or Buffalo. 

-  When I got the second pick in my fantasy draft I took longer than I should have to select Adrian Peterson because I really wanted to take Ray Rice.  Heading into week four Rice still does not have a touchdown and Peterson is looking like the main man in Minnesota thanks to a shitty Favre start.  Go figure.  Oh, and yay for me!

-  Dallas finally got their first win on the back of none other than Roy Williams. Remember him?  117 yards and two touchdowns.  Where the hell did that come from?

-  If you combine Vick’s play with that swarming defense, this Eagles team could actually be really good.  What’s impressive is how accurate Vick’s passes have been.  That 60 yard pass to DeSean Jackson was as good as you’ll see from anyone. 

-  Game that told us nothing about either team:  Rams 30 – Redskins 16.  Or, to put it another way.  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

-  What are we to make of the Jets?  Does Baltimore’s defense just match up well against them and they actually have a decent offense?  Or do the Patriots and Dolphins have crappy defenses?  Jekyll and Hyde is all I’m coming up with at the moment. 

Stat of the Week:  Anquan Boldin completed one pass for negative six yards and still had a better passer rating than the following starting quarterbacks: Alex Smith, Sean Hill, Brett Favre, Eli Manning, Josh Freeman, Carson Palmer, Jimmy Clausen, Matt Schaub, Sam Bradford, David Gerrard, Bruce Gradkowski, and Matt Hasselback. 

He also out performed Derek Anderson, but I don’t consider that note worthy. 

Today’s distraction:  Try some flabby physics.  All you need is a spacebar and hours of idle time.  I know you have both of those. 

Friday, September 24, 2010

Project Time

Alrighty then, fellow film buffs.  Today's entry and distraction is a challenge I expect us to finish by the end of the weekend.

The Guardian has started a contest that dares you to name all the films referenced in the clip I've linked to at the bottom.  There are 26 movies included.  I've figured out 20 of them, but need help with the last 6.

Here, watch this first and find the ones you recognize.  I'll put my list below and we can compare.  I know there are a couple right at the beginning I don't get, but have thoughts on.

Here is the clip.  Have a pen and paper ready.


OK, here is my list.

1: Right off the bat I have trouble because it's obviously referencing James Bond, but which movie?

2:  'Edward Scissorhands'

3:  I think it's 'Doctor Zhivago', but not entirely sure.

4:  'Up' (first easy one)

5:  'Life of Brian' (it could be 'Last Temptation of Christ' or 'The Passion of the Christ', but the whistling makes me think of Monty Python).

6:  'The Omen' (falling cross)

7:  'The Godfather'

8:  'Usual Suspects'

9:  'The Birds'

10:  'Back to the Future'

11:  'The Big Lebowski'

12:  'Raiders of the Lost Ark'

13:  Some pig reference which could possibly be 'Babe'.

14:  Ok, now pig gets butchered.  What the hell is that referencing?  'Slaughterhouse Five'?  'The Butcher Boy'?

15:  'Airplane'.  Back on familiar turf.

16:  'One Million BC' (Raquel Welch is an all time babe)

17:  Now we have videotapes with a Soviet symbol on it.  'The Ring'?  'From Russia With Love'?  Would they do two James Bond movies in one clip?

18:  'Sunset Boulevard' (I think)

19:  And now I'm totally lost.  A bullet with a star on it and American flag colors?  What?

20:  I think the next one is 'American Beauty' (with the bullet coming at us and flowers flowing in the background)

21:  'Blair Witch Project'

22:  'The Matrix'

23:  The eyes on the creepy hands is from 'Pan's Labyrinth' one of my favorites.  Seriously, if you haven't seen it, yet, why are we still friends?

24:  'Singing in the Rain'

25:  'Gladiator'

26:  'Silence of the Lambs'

27:  'Borat'

28:  Then the final time flip could be what?  'Momento'?  And why do I have 28 movies when there are supposed to be only 26?  Am I misinterpreting some of the transitions as movie hints?

Help me fill in the blanks, people.  What else do you have to do on a Friday afternoon besides slack off?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Real Quick

Haven't had much time to put anything together, but wanted to pass along two things:

1:  I'm heading to another fund raiser tonight with the movers and shakers of Boston.  I've discovered I love these things if only to get cheap tickets to sporting events and check out the lovely ladies who already have more money than I ever will.  Will let you know how things turn out.

2:  Walking back from lunch this afternoon there was a nasty haze floating over the city.  We were walking by a lovely area that's ruined by three hundred and fifty pound chain smoking ladies.  I initially thought that since it was such a pleasant day there were more cancer seeking people out than usual.

Nope.  Turns out this was what was going on a block away.

Poor bastard.

Today's distraction:  15 common drinking myths debunked.  I'll be testing these out myself tonight as - I believe - the bar will be open.  Booo fucking YEAH!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Talk

Last night Wifey tells me that the time is nearing for me to have The Talk with my oldest son.  This gave me pause since he’s only ten, but kids are hearing and learning things at a much younger age than I ever did.   

When I asked why she thought so, she told me he had asked her what a blow job was when he got home from school.  She was drinking water at the time and nearly drowned.  Her answer?  ‘Ask you father when he gets home.’

She gave me a heads up and I had my answer (‘Only the greatest thing EVER!’) at the ready, but he never asked.  Either he forgot about it or he just didn’t care enough or he found out from a friend at school. 

What’s odd is I don’t recall ever having the sex conversation with my father.  He attempted once, but I already knew the basics and told him to save his breath.  He readily agreed but left it open with the standard ‘Well, if you have any questions just ask!’

Never happened and I knew it would never happen as he made the offer.  If there is anything more awkward than talking to your own father about sex, I haven’t experienced it. 

Just to be safe, I figured I’d scribble down some basic information in case I get hit by a bus or simply decide to move to another country before I ruin his childhood forever.

This is for your reference, son.   

Every Woman Is Crazy:  They’re all different in many ways, but they’re also nuts.  Some will hide it better than others, but the crazy will eventually reveal itself.  If you keep this in mind at all times, life will make a whole hell of a lot more sense.  

Watch What You Say:  Since every woman is crazy, you must be careful what you say.  Any seemingly benign comment you make can be the one item to set her off.  With guys you can relax and speak off the top of your head.  With women, take that extra split second to consider the consequences of what you’re about to say.  If you’re lucky, you’ve found one that has a sense of humor and can take some wise ass comments.  If not, dump her and find a one less insane. 

Sex Is Fun:  This is the great secret adults don’t want kids to know.  Sex is fun!  If it wasn’t we wouldn’t keep doing it over and over again.  Just wait until you’re ready then put it off another three years. 

Talk To Her:  Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing their first few times.  Talk to her and ask what she likes or what she doesn’t like.  As I said before, all women are different and like different things.  Part of the fun is finding out. 

Show Respect:  Chivalry is not dead.  Show proper manners and always – and I mean always – hold the door for them so you can check out their asses as they pass by. 

Oh, this is very important…

Be Mindful Of Reflections:  While it is perfectly acceptable to check out a woman’s body, you must do so on the sly.  Overt ogling is rude, so make sure there are no mirrors or windows in front of the lady before you take a long look.  Women know men check them out, they just don’t want us to be so obvious about it.  I would suggest sunglasses and honing your peripheral vision.  And whatever you do, never stop when a beautiful woman walks by on the street and watch them walk away.  While that may be tempting keep in mind other good looking women may witness you thus ruining any chance you have with them. 

I know…this is complicated stuff. 

No Means No:  And if I ever find you slipping something into a girl’s drink, I will castrate you myself. 

Most Relationships Don’t Last:  Don’t take it so hard when things don’t work out.  You’ll have many girlfriends over the years.  Keep in mind not all people are good matches.  Just learn from the failures and figure out what type of girl you like and focus on those.  Everything else will work itself out. 

Never Cheat:  It never ends well for anyone involved.  End things first if you’re interested in someone else.  It will hurt some feelings, but not nearly as much as cheating would.  Plus it minimizes the threat of physical violence. 

Work For It:  The girls you have to work to get are much more rewarding than the ones that fall naked onto your bed after a night of drinking.  That’s not to say there isn’t a time and place for those drunk, naked girls (referred to as ‘college’ in most societies), just that the rewards aren’t as great.  Plus, there is a good chance penicillin will be in your immediate future.   I’ll explain that when you get older. 

Make Them Laugh:  While you should be respectful, don’t be ultra serious and stiff.  I know, it’s a tough balance but if you nail it the world will be yours.  Besides, a beautiful woman laughing is a magical sound.

Treat Them Like Gold:    Like gold you should also try to get your hands on as many as possible. 

Oh, yeah.  The penis gets erect and goes in the vagina.  That’s actually the easy part. 

Today’s distraction:  As a tribute to ‘Boardwalk Empire’ that had one of the bloodiest endings in television history, here is the Steve Buscemi Creep Meter. 

Monday, September 20, 2010

Week Two Postmortem

Week two turns the week one questions into a total clusterfucks most years.  It appears this year is no different. 

For example, in week one the Patriots crush the Bengals in the first half, so we can assume one of two things:  The Bengals suck or the Patriots are good. 

The Jets look terrible against the Ravens who also look terrible on offense.  We must then assume that both teams have great defenses or both offenses blow. 

Only now the Ravens can’t do shit against the Bengals in week two.  Therefore we are left with two possibilities:  The Bengals defense isn’t as bad as it looked in week one or the Ravens offense could be historically bad. 

Maybe the Patriots are just really good?

Nope.  They get manhandled by the same Jets team that converted all of one first down in week one.

So what have we learned the first two weeks?  I guess nothing other than Brett Favre should have stayed retired.  Everything else we’re still sorting out. 

-  Another perfect example would be the Denver – Seattle game.  Denver loses to Jacksonville in week one.  Seattle crushes San Francisco.  Therefore, Seattle should beat Denver.  Nope.  Denver trounces them and proves I wasn’t an idiot for taking Kyle Orton as my backup. 

-  If we are to follow this logic (or, I guess, illogic), the 49ers will beat the Saints tonight.    

-  I was so hoping the Jets were going to be terrible this year.  Then they had to go and ruin it with a massive second half beat down of my Pats.  Damn them.  They not only pegged New England with their first loss, but actually looked pretty good on offense.  Not a good day in my house yesterday. 

-  The big Manning brother still refuses to let little brother beat him.  You could make a case that the Houston loss last week lit a fire under this Colts team.  Anyone else think they could be 7-1 by the midway point?

-  After a home loss to a questionable Bears team, how much longer does the Wade Phillips era last in Dallas?

-  Kansas City is 2 – 0.  I shit you not.  Look it up!

-  Watching a bit of the toilet bowl known as Oakland vs St Louis, I couldn’t help wondering if it would be a good thing or bad thing if Sabastian Janikowski became the Raiders’ all time leading scorer.  Good since they did spend a number one pick on him but bad because you would certainly want more than field goals during an offensive series. 

On the other hand, these are the Raiders and they may be happy with field goals.  At least that means there wasn’t an interception thrown by their quarterback.  Progress!

-  I don’t care that Detroit is 0 – 2 or that Jahvid Best single handedly beat me in fantasy yesterday.  The Lions are a hugely entertaining team to watch. 

-  And since I brought it up, my fantasy team is 0 – 2 even though I’ve scored the second most points in my league.  Appears a ‘fuck me’ is in order. 

-  I know the Packers are supposed to be offensively explosive and efficient, but it certainly seems like they’re forcing things when they get near the end zone.  Even against a terrible team like Buffalo, they came off as rattled and rushed. 

-  Can anyone tell me why Kerry Collins was finishing up the Titans game?  I missed a big chunk of that.  Was Vince terrible or did he get hurt?

-  I talked my buddy into taking Joe Flacco in the third round of our fantasy draft.  He had a rating of 23.8 yesterday and the new nickname ‘Succo’.  I find this immensely entertaining.  I also have a plan.  Since he now needs a quarterback, I am going to offer him Kyle Orton for Ray Rice.  Let’s see where this takes us.

-  I read a quote from Viking’s head coach Brad Childress who said something along the lines of them trying to figure out what kind of team they are.  ‘Are we run first, are we pass first?’  Um…excuse me Mr Childress but aren’t you the head coach of this team?  Isn’t that your job to dictate what kind of team you want this to be? 

Although, in his defense, after watching Favre ruin two potential touchdown drives with bad decisions he rode Peterson all the way to the goal line in the fourth quarter.  The message clearly being ‘I finally know who my best player is’.  Only Peterson gets stuffed on a last ditch attempt to score the winning touchdown.  You had to feel bad.  Nothing is working for this team. 

-  If you want a reminder of how monstrous Andre Johnson is just view a clip of his touchdown pass where he simply out muscles and out jumps the Redskins defender.  He even made it look easy; like he was practicing against a teenager. 

-  I was all excited to finally started Legadu Naanee in my fantasy league and even more so when I saw the Chargers racked up 38 points.  Grand total of catches for Naanee:  One. 

-  While Vick is saying all the right things about the return of Kevin Kolb, how can the Eagles sit him after his play the past two games? 

-  Jimmy Clausen comes into the Tampa Bay – Carolina game, chalks up a 33.8 rating and proceeds to get the starting nod for next week?  It’s going to be a long season for Panther fans. 

And while we’re on the Panthers, who the fuck is Mike Goodson and why is he taking carries away from Jonathan Stewart?

Stat of the Week:  Steeler QBs Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon combined to throw for 43 yards in the entire game and they still won by eight. 

Today’s distraction:  To escape the Monday blahs, here are twenty two pictures from far away places.  Although, I’d rather have to live Mondays every day than live in Afghanistan.  Fuck that place. 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Jerk Off

Christine O'Donnell is a name that you should be hearing about quite a bit in the coming months.  She just upset a favored Republican in the Maryland Senate primaries.  She's part of the Tea Party movement that wants our government to get out of everyone's lives and let the free economy do it's own things and let everyone live their own lives. 

Unless, of course, they get a pay check out of it.  Then the more government the better!  Gimme gimme gimme. 

Personally, I have nothing against the Tea Party.  They tend to lean more towards the lunatic fringe than most other parties, but all political affiliations - like religions - tend to be insane in their own ways.  One person's insanity is another's logic. 

Besides, O'Donnell is already promising to provide us with countless hours of entertainment during her campaign.  She's following the (already) well worn trail blazed by Sarah Palin.  She even appears to have found a pair of Palin's discarded eye glasses along said trail. 

'I totally had these before Palin!  She got the idea from me, I swear!'

What should concern us all is O'Donnell's stance on one of our sacred institutions:  Masturbation.  She thinks whacking off should be stopped!  Right now!  Apparently she considers the act 'selfish' and that anyone who performs such atrocious acts to be 'toying with his sexuality'. 

This just proves she doesn't know what she's talking about - there's a reason we refer to is as 'playing with yourself'.  The entire concept is to toy with yourself. 

Besides, I disagree with this act being selfish.  Can you imagine what this world would be like if teenage boys didn't masturbate?  Riots and fires and murder and genocides.  It would be awful.  All that pent up sexuality building and building before snapping like a diseased oak tree in a hurricane.  I don't want to live in a world where one 16 year old kills another because he didn't like how he sneezed into a napkin instead of a tissue. 

Masturbation releases much built up tension that would have nowhere to go otherwise.  As Michael Douglas once said 'I don't know how often I masturbated as a teenager, but it was a lot!'  You really want to forbid boys and girls who are basically walking raging hormones that release?  I sure as hell don't.  They're moody and unstable enough as it is.  Them getting off in private is saving the rest of us an whole lot of heartache. 

What's confusing is O'Donnell's stance on nearly every other issue.  To sum it up she wants the government to leave us all alone and let us be individuals.  She views socialism (the code word for this election cycle) as people doing work for the government when really the 'government should exist to empower and protect the people'. 

Only don't ever touch your own naughty bits or you'll burn in Hell!!!  I wonder what would happen if these two view points came to life in the form of people?  I suspect it would play out like young Ron Silver colliding with old Ron Silver in 'TimeCop'.  Everything would morph, twist and puddle to the floor in a bloody, screaming mess.

One of O'Donnell's rationalization for being anti masturbation (other than being a prude) was that a couple was 'going to be pleasing each other. And if he already knows what pleases him, and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?'.  Something I was wondering in regards to this election, actually. 

But - as I suspect will be the trend going forward - Miss O'Donnell is missing the point entirely.  Speaking for all men everywhere, I can say that there is no substitution for a vagina.  They're great!  I love them!  It's one of the few things that makes life worth living.  Jerking myself off doesn't come close.  When a guy in a relationship masturbates it's purely a release.  Something that needs to be done so he can start thinking straight again.

Besides, O'Donnell, if you're like every other woman in the world, there have been times when you've shot down advances your husband has made at you.  'I'm too tired',  'I have a headache', 'Cmon, we just did it last night!'.  Considering you're in a full fledged election run those excuses - unlike yourself - will be coming fast and furious.  If  you don't think hubby is going to rub one off while you're parading around town, you are sadly mistaken.  It's either that or prostitution.  Pick your poison.

You are also opening up a large number of married women to this little tactic:  'O'Donnell says we shouldn't masturbate any longer, so we're going to have to do it much more often.  Like twice a day at least.'  Do you really want women across the country to be subjected to constant sex with their husbands?  What kind of monster are you??!!

My suggestion is to lighten up on the masturbation stance, Miss O'Donnell.  You want the government out of your life, I want you out of my bathroom.  Mind your own business, keep your thoughts about everyone else's personal habits to yourself and the entire country is better off. 

Today's distraction:  The benefits of masturbation.  That's right, it's actually healthy and normal.  So O'Donnell is trying to harm us in a round a about way.  Damn woman!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Talking 'Bout An Evolution

I have long suspected we are witnessing the beginnings of an evolutionary change. 

It's foundation is nothing more than anecdotal up until now, but we all see the signs:  Tanning; getting manicures and pedicures; obsessing about fashion; using hair styling gels; getting hair done at a salon; taking spa treatments; fretting about relationships, their weight, how often to wax hair on their bodies. 

Women have always done those things.  This is the men I'm referring to.  I'm 99.9% certain that every guy reading this has done one or more of the things listed above.  Hell, I just saw a shaving commercial that shows a guy in the shower shaving his chest hair.  What the holy hell?  When did that become an acceptable practice?  What happened to the glory days of Tom Selleck? 

'They shave what now?'

Quite simply, I think men are turning into women. 

This is usually the time when eyes roll and people laugh or cautiously move to another seat on the bus.  No more!  I now have scientific evidence backing me up. 

An international group of researchers spent some time looking into how BPA is effecting the human body.  BPA, known by smarty pants as Bisphenol A, is a compound found most commonly in plastics used in water bottles (that's right), dental fillings, eyeglass lenses, CDs and DVDs.  Basically, if it's clear and it's plastic chances are excellent it contains BPA.  

How does this relate to my crazy theory?  Quite well, thank you very much.  BPA is an 'endocrine disruptor' (whatever the fuck that means) that is 'estrogenic' in nature.  If you've gone cross eyed hearing all these big words, in layman terms this compound mimics estrogen in a person's body and is known to disrupt sex hormone signalling in other animals.   

Everyone knows what estrogen is, right?  Only the most important female sex hormone ever!  And males have been exposed to this for the last 30 years, which, if my math is correct, is about the same time 'Love Story' was released.  It all fits!!!

Even more disturbing is that the testosterone rate for men in this study rose only slightly while their sex hormones were being disrupted by dirty, filthy, yet highly sexy fake estrogen-like compounds.  This has female conspiracy written all over it. 

I know what you're thinking:  BeachBum, if this is true, how have you remained your studly, manly, macho self?  Simple, my caring friends, I drink nothing but beer from glass bottles.  No BPAs floating in my system.  Who says alcoholism is bad?  Not me!

Band together, my brothers!  Put down your girly Avian water bottles, step away from your Chinese pedicurist (unless she's really hot), resign yourself to ratty jeans and a baseball cap and start eating loads of red meat.  Hell, go out and kill your own food and eat it raw!  Then refuse to shower for three days! Take back your masculinity!

The time is now!!

Today's distraction:  Seven scientific reasons a zombie outbreak would quickly fail.  These scientist guys are smart.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Spin Cycle

There's been an old fashioned, grass roots campaign in my area for a dude named Michael Day.  He's running for the State Senate and I've seen his signs everywhere.  He's standing on street corners, waving to passing cars, showing up at every single big event in order to get his name branded into every voter's memory banks.  If he was smart he'd be handing out free coffee by the subway with his name on the cups. 

Man, maybe I should get into politics. 

Sidenote #1:  Why do supporters of these guys all congregate on the same intersection?  I passed one of these gatherings on my way to work and they were stationed at all four corners.  Wouldn't it be more productive to spread out?  Four people take this intersection, you eight go down to another busy one and stake that one out.  Why all lump everyone together and limit your visibility?

It worked, I'll admit.  He has an easy, likable name to recall when you hit the section with his name listed on it.  If nothing else, people will think 'I know that name from somewhere.  I'll punch his name in'.  Although, I would be much more likely to vote for a Michael Night than Michael Day purely for the slim chance he'd be riding around in an indestructible, talking car.  But, that's just me. 

Sidenote #2:  I am fully aware he was Michael Knight in the show so save your snarky comments. 

I, however, will not be voting for Mr. Day.  And the sole reason I will not is petty and probably insane.  I refuse to vote for Michael Day because I don't like his parking habits.  There!  It's out there, I'm not proud, but I stand by my decision. 

I will explain. 

Michael Day's campaign headquarters just happen to be at the bottom of the hill on which I live at the top.  At the same spot is a rather convoluted intersection.  Two main routes cross each other with another side street that heads up into my neighborhood.  There is a set of lights for each direction of traffic which - if you aren't familiar with the area - causes some confusion.  HQ for Day's crew is right on this corner.

Now, each set of lights is triggered by a pad built into the street.  So, for example, if there was no traffic waiting at the little side street, the light will never turn green.  This is great late at night or very early in the morning.  As soon as your car hits that pad, the light immediately turns green.  There is barely any waiting. 

This is also a mixed blessing as idiots from around the globe drive to this obscure spot and, thinking they're on a one way street I guess (it's not) somehow manage to avoid the pad thus never triggering the green light.  This causes traffic problems that threaten to erupt into riots; complete with fires and explosions and babies crying. 

As I discovered over the summer there is also another problem: If a car sits on the triggering pad too long it stops thinking there is someone waiting for a green light.  Would you care to guess who parks his 'Michael Day For State Senate' bumper sticker covered car there every single time?

No, I guess you don't need to. 

When he parks here other vehicles need to scrape by his in order to get on the pad in order to turn the light green.  And if that wasn't bad enough, his car is also so close to the intersection it causes problems for people turning off and onto the street.  Wide berth is needed.  There have been more than a few times I've been tempted to get close enough to take his side mirror off.  But I'm a bigger man than that and I don't want to damage my own car. 

I don't know Michael Day, nor what he stands for.  He could be the greatest guy since...well...myself.  He could be the revolutionary politician I've been waiting for my entire life (still waiting....).  But I'm betting he isn't.  If he's self absorbed and selfish enough to park illegally, causing traffic light issues and, as a result, congestion then he's just like every other politician that has ever existed. 

First the street, then Boston, then America, then the world.  I'm taking no chances.  Cut him off at the knees, voters. 

Today's distraction:  Twenty three of the best names ever.  Expect a lot of genitalia jokes. 

Monday, September 13, 2010

Week One Postmortem

How great is it to have the NFL back in our lives? Great GREAT, that’s how great. What did you expect? I was drinking from noon until about nine last night. If you thought I could get some eloquent, sophisticated analogy written down this morning, you think more highly of myself than I do.

It also means you don’t know me at all and, frankly, I’m insulted.

Let’s get to it. I’ve decided that I won’t delve into my fantasy life other than to let you know I’m losing by 45 points with Jamaal Charles my lone chance at redemption. Translation: I’m screwed.

- Week one and we already have our new phrase custom suited for a drinking game: ‘Complete the process’. What a load of bullshit. Why does the NFL insist on making a very simple rule so complex that most of the casual viewers (and some die hards) don’t understand it? A catch has always been defined by having control of the ball with two feet in bounds. Now the receiver needs to ‘complete the process’ and it cost the Lions an impressive win in Chicago yesterday.

Calvin Johnson came down with an apparent go ahead touchdown catch with 30 something seconds left, but had it over turned because he put the ball on the ground. It’s hard to blame him as he had the ball in two hands came down on two feet, spun with the ball in one hand (but still in control) and put the ball down on the ground thinking it was a touchdown and celebrated as we all thought he should.

Here’s what I don’t get. He had control of the football. Both his feet touched the ground in bounds. He even took another step with the ball in his hand. Should that play be over? Once the ball crosses the plane isn’t any fumble negated as the ball is dead? Why should a catch be any different? A receiver catches it, lands in bounds, and has control. Touchdown. End of story. Johnson could have launched it into the stands and it was still a touchdown.

- Explain to me why everyone is so high on Cincinnati this year? They looked abysmal in the first half yesterday and seemed to barely be putting up a fight. There is a chance the Patriots are better than everyone thinks, but one year does not a great quarterback make and Carson Palmer needs to prove himself. It’s now or never man. No excuses.

- Question for Eagles fans: Are you excited that Michael Vick looked impressive yesterday or concerned that Kolb played so poorly?

- One of the twisted aspects of the first week of the season is figuring out what reality is. For example, did Green Bay’s offense simply look good in the preseason because they were facing practice squad guys trying to make the team? Or is Philly’s defense going to be really good this year? I would think the former as they still put up 27 points, but struggled to find any rhythm the entire game. Rodgers certainly didn’t look like he was on top of his game.

- A concern heading into the season was whether Steve Breaston could fill in for Boldin’s departure. Seven receptions, 132 yards and one question answered.

- While I realize Sam Bradford ended with three interceptions yesterday, there is something about him that impresses me. ‘Poise’ would be the word most use, but he also has an attitude about him that says ‘This game isn’t over until I say it is’. If he stays healthy, he’s going to be a good one.

- Speaking of health, can we please dispense with all the talk of how Indy’s defense is so much better when Bob Sanders is healthy? Enough! The dude is never healthy as evidenced by him leaving yesterday’s game with another ding. Some players are just injury prone and that needs to be mentioned whenever mentioning their skills. Sure he’s a good defensive player, but if he’s never on the field it means nothing.

- Right, Matthew Stafford?

- One of the qualifiers of being an elite quarterback is ‘decision making’. This is why I have a hard time lumping Tony Romo into that category. You see QBs like Brady, Peyton Manning and Brees making the right play nearly every time. Sure the plays don’t always succeed, but they know what they need to do and try to do just that.

The last play before the half in the Washington game is a perfect example of Romo making the exact WRONG play. If you didn’t see it, Romo is scrambling with 15 or so seconds left in the half. As he steps around and through the oncoming rushers, there is 20 to 25 yards of open field in front of him. There is literally nobody there.

Now, before you interrupt and remind me that he needed to stop the clock therefore running forward would have been useless, I would like to point out that Dallas still had a timeout remaining and that the play for a QB is over as soon as the player begins his slide to avoid contact. Romo could have easily run 10 yards or so, slid and immediately called a timeout with 5 seconds remaining and one last play.

Or he could have simply thrown the ball over everyone’s head. Or thrown a hail mary and hope for a tip. Or fucking run into the stands and make out with the first blonde that reminded him of Jessica Simpson.

What he did instead was toss the ball sideways (it was nearly backwards) to Tashard Choice who looked like the smallest kid in a ‘kill the man with the ball’ school yard game. After nearly dropping this unexpected gift, Choice did what all running backs are trained to do: Get as many forward yards as possible. He nearly did that before being stripped of the ball by a ‘Skin who returned the ball for a touchdown. End of half.

Now, I will pardon Romo this act if (and only if) he was expecting Choice to simply run out of bounds to stop the clock, but Romo’s past tells us this isn’t an isolated incident. Time and again he is forcing passes where he shouldn’t or not taking a sack when he should, resulting in an interception. We could initially chalk it up to ‘Well, he’s still young and learning’, but no longer. This is now officially a trend and a bad one for a quarterback to have.

It might be time to face the fact that Romo is simply a good fantasy quarterback and not a good NFL one.

Of course, I said the same thing about Peyton Manning once upon a time.

- Do we now consider Houston a legitimate contender or is Indy fading? The only thing we know for sure is Arian Foster is a fucking beast.

- Game that told us nothing about either team: Miami 15 - Buffalo 10

- Was watching the Titans – Raiders game and thinking ‘Huh, this Oakland defense is keeping Chris Johnson in check. Could they be good?’ No sooner had the thought left my head when CJ made a quick cut and jacked into over drive; running by everyone on his way to the first TD of the season. Nothing is more impressive (or frightening for an opposing team) than witnessing Johnson in the open field. You can almost see his eyes light up on television when he spots an opening.

- Let’s chalk it up to first game jitters (although, should NFL players really get those?), but San Fran looked terrible yesterday. And I have a sneaking suspicion Seattle sucks.

- Pssst, you know which team might be really good? Jacksonville. Just keep one eye on them. That’s all I’m saying.

- Some purists would call the Falcons – Steelers game an old fashion defensive battle. I call it ugly (U-G-L-Y!  You ugly!). If it weren’t for Mendenhall’s winning run, there would be no highlights from this game. None at all. I’m totally serious.

Stat of the Week: Jimmy Clausen ended his first game with a 39.6 passer rating. This was still better than starter Matt Moore’s 32.6 rating. Do you think Carolina fans are pining for the Jake Delhomme days? Nah, me neither.

Today’s distraction: The best used bike ad ever. Love the shower picture even if it means this guy may have too much time on his hands.

Friday, September 10, 2010

I've Got Your Refund Right Here

Yeah, I know.  Didn't make it a full week with my promise to post every day.  As seems to be the trend lately, it was other people's stupidity that ruined my streak. 

Just so everyone knows, I'm the IT guy for my company.  As everyone probably also knows, imbeciles around the globe got an email yesterday from someone they never heard of with a link to something they weren't expecting yet still decided to click on said link and infect their computers with a raging virus. 

This virus then went through every single contact in their address book and repeatedly sent out the same infected email to any and all email addresses it could find.  Since stupid people attract other stupid people, the odds were good that some of their friends clicked on the same link and infected their computers which then sent out even more emails.  I'm terrible at math but even I know that's a lot of emails flying around. 

Fortunately for the people I work with, I'm awesome.  As soon as I got my first infected email I sent out an alert telling everyone in my area not to click on the link within the email.  It was literally seconds before I got four emails back that said 'Oh, too late'.   Too late?  It took me less than 10 seconds to send the alert out.  It had a big red exclamation point on it and everything. 

From 10 am forward I was running from idiot to idiot trying to shut down the virus before it brought down our mail servers then attempted to clean the stench of moron from the office. 

If I sound condescending towards the people that opened the email it's because I can't understand the thought process behind it.  This is 2010 and people have been using email for years.  This isn't a new twist to their work life. 

Picture this:  An email comes in from someone you have never heard of.  You open it and read something like 'Here are the documents you requested'.  Strange, I wasn't expecting any documents.  Well, I'm important therefore this email and included documents must also be important, right?  I mean it was emailed and everyone knows anything of any importance comes in an email.  

Sure, let's just go with that ludicrous from of logic. 

But wait, there are no actual documents attached to this email.  Instead there is a link.  Man, I've never had anyone send me documents as a link before.  Well, once, but I couldn't figure out how to work it so I just forwarded it to my IT guy and had him figure it out.  Sucker. 

Anyway, this must be some new fangled technology they're using.  Let's see how this works.

The sound of the mouse clicking on that link was also the sound of my day flushing down the shitter. 

Two of these dolts thought it was hilarious they became infected.  One said - while laughing - 'I did the same thing last week on my home computer and had to hire someone to come clean it off'.  That's comforting.  You're not a dim wit or distracted employee who made a mistake; you're fucking retarded.  Thanks for stopping by the rest of society.  Move along now. 

I left work after seven, my crankiness made worse by the already setting sun (bye, summer) and the realization that I locked my keys in my office upon leaving. 

Which just means I'm stupid, too.  At least I fit right in around here. 

Today's distraction:  Football is back!!  Not that lame ass college, 'we VOTE for our champion' league, either.  Real football.  Since we're all friends, here is my secret weapon for my fantasy league.  You didn't get it from me. 

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Two things I've long suspected have (sort of) become verified the last few days. 

One I'll deal with tomorrow. Today I'd like to let everyone in on either a comforting or terrifying piece of news: When the world ends there will be no advanced notice.  One minute we'll be getting ready for work or sleeping off another bender or trying to remember where we put our stupid wallet, the next - BAM! 

No warning whatsoever.  Forget the Hollywood hoopla about having time to put Bruce Willis into space, stocking up on canned goods, making peace with our estranged family members (seriously, fuck them!), dodging falling buildings, or getting to high ground in time to preserve the human species.  It will be instant and total. 

Personally, I find this comforting.  I'm not looking forward to a post apocalyptic world with Mel Gibson roaming free in a souped up car.  That's terrifying!  I'd rather be brushing my teeth one second and be dust the next.  Perhaps a millisecond for a thought of 'what the fu...' would be fine or a brief view of outer space, but any more time than that would be surplus suffering. 

Besides, if things were different this morning I wouldn't even be writing this.  According to NASA, an asteroid zoomed close by earth around six (Eastern Time) this morning.  How close?  Closer than the moon is to the earth, that's how close.  And we knew nothing about it until it was already gone.  That's nice, isn't it?

NASA has been clamoring for more intensive monitoring of 'earth threatening encounters' for years, but them demanding more money is like Heidi for 'The Hills' demanding more plastic surgery: both have shown poor judgment on what they've already done it makes little sense to give them more. 

(C'mon people, that was a reference all 20 somethings can get.  I'm trying to appeal to the younger demographic!)

Anyway, there is another one coming tonight around 6pm (ET).  Neither of these are big.  2010 RX30 was estimated between 30 and 60 feet wide.  Tonight 2010 RF12 (Man alive, who comes up with these names?  Mazda?  They sound like sport cars) will be 45 feet wide at the max.  Not large enough to do damage, but large enough to put that thought in the back of everyone's head. 

Geologists and NASA have been saying for years earth has been living on borrowed time.  There are craters all over the planet and moon that prove we get hit on a semi regular basis.  Chances are we're due for another one within the next few hundred years. 

I just hope it hits on a Monday morning.  I don't want one of my weekends to be ruined by Armageddon. 

Today's distraction:  Practice your skills at protecting a planet.  It's Lunar Command, which is basically the same thing as Missle Command.  Earth may need you sooner than you think. 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Stat Head

Random statistics from the past weekend.

Miles Traveled: 354

Hours Spent in Van: Eight, mainly due to hellacious traffic on 93 North Saturday morning which doubled our expected travel time. This also included an impromptu stop on Route 100 in Vermont when five year old announced ‘I have to go pee really bad!'

We Knew We Were In Vermont When: We opened the van door for the youngest to do his business and were greeted by the sound of a gunshot coming from the woods across the river. Must be hunting season. Or Saturday, as it’s called in the Green Mountains.

Most Infuriating Discovery: The tolls on 93 North have one – as in singular – dedicated lane for the EZ Pass. The rest are combo cash/EZ Pass lanes which defeats the entire purpose. Care to guess where this one, lonely, dedicated lane is? Smack in the middle. Not all the way to the left or right, but right in the middle with causes undue chaos and traffic problems on top of the limited options.

I wouldn’t mind so much, but this is the same state that just instituted a high speed EZ Pass lane for their route 95 tolls. I can cruise through those bad boys at 65 and there are two lanes. What the holy hell, New Hampshire??

Number Of Beers Consumed: Lost count. I can say that there were 13 empties lined up in the spot I was intentionally leaving mine for tracking purposes. That was after one night, although I can’t say for sure they were all mine. I can say that I needed to purchase another 12 pack for the next night as my cooler was running low. Let’s just leave it at somewhere between 20 and 30.

Pounds Gained: At least five. Easily. My mother in law baked approximately 350 different deserts and I tried them all. Often more than once and a few times for a pre-breakfast warm up. I also purchased a home made blueberry pie from a local farm. 

It wasn’t pretty is what I’m trying to say and I’m not proud of myself.

Miles To The Nearest Market: I would estimate ten. This house is in the middle of nowhere on an unpaved road. Comcast hasn’t even run cable out there, yet. I wasn’t even aware they still had places to conquer.

Hours Dog Chased Ball/Frisbee: At least fifteen over two days. Their dog is obsessed with fetching. She ran more than a marathon while chasing balls and/or Frisbees being thrown by various people. She was limping the following morning she was so worn out. Often the balls would wind up in the pond near the back of the yard and she would dive in, swim to get the ball. I guess it was more of a triathlon. I told Wifey, ‘This is the kind of dog I want’. It never barked, it never nipped or jumped, often I forgot it was in the house until I noticed it lying on her bed. I offered to trade for our psycho dog, but nobody was buying.

Pound of Fireworks Ignited: 30, easily. We had a small display the first night, until I suggested we stage a huge area and set things up ahead of time the second night. Wifey’s brother and I then fired up a bunch at the same time and put on a grand show. Luckily their closest neighbor is a mile down the road, so…you know… fuck him.

Number of Stars Visible: Incalculable. If I had to guess I would say all of them. Every single star was visible Sunday night. It was so spectacular and unexpected it took away from the fireworks show.

Number of Terrible Sleeping Nights: Two. Once while getting adjusted to an inflatable mattress (which suck in case you haven’t heard) and the next with my five year old using various parts of my body as his personal pillow. Yesterday I felt like I had been partying for two days straight with my buddies from college. I was tired, light headed, a bit dehydrated and bordering on hysteria. Good times.

Signs My Body Is Rebelling: Two. I have the beginnings of a cold sore on my bottom lip and my left eyelid is twitching like it’s trying to escape from my head. Getting old sucks.

News Story I Didn’t Know Was News Until This Weekend: The hostage situation at the Discovery Channel. I knew NOTHING about this until Fox News was interviewing one of the girls who was among the hostages. When I pointed this out to Wifey she replied ‘Yeah, that happened a few days ago’ only in a ‘Well, DUH’ tone of voice. I mean, what the hell? I’m online nearly all the time and I miss this story? How did that happen?

Number of Bears Spotted: Zero, although one woman claimed to have found bear shit on the road by my brother in law’s house. ‘It looks like dog poop only with seeds and berries in it’.  Thanks for sharing.

Number of Deer Spotted: Zero. What the hell, Vermont?

Number of Cows Spotted: Way too many to count. It had to be in the hundreds. Vermont is cheese country, after all.

‘Down the Road’ (Urban Definition): Between two and five blocks.

‘Down the Road’ (Rural Definition): Between two and twenty miles.

Number of Bars On My Cell: Surprisingly three. With all the mountains and the remote location I was shocked to have any reception at all.

Hours of Sleep I Want Tonight: Ten.

Hours of Sleep I’ll Actually Get: Seven. If I’m lucky.

Three Things I Learned

1: Vermont is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. I can understand why Wifey’s brother did it (both his boys are fantastic snowboarders and they’ll be surrounded by the best coaches and facilities) but it is way too remote for me. I’m a city boy, through and through.

2: People from Vermont are super nice if a bit…how do I want to phrase this? Off. What I don’t know is whether they are off kilter to begin with and move to Vermont so they can be themselves or if they become slightly deranged because they live in the middle of nowhere.

3: Three things Vermont does better than any other state: maple syrup (bought some from local farm and it’s out of this world), cheese (sorry Wisconsin) and drunk driving.  Apparently they lead the nation in DUI arrests and it's not difficult to figure out why that is:  There is nothing to do up there but drink.  Couple that with the fact that there is usually one main road in every town and you have no place to hide when you're struggling to get home after drinking off your winter depression. 

Bottom Line:  A pleasant, occasionally fun, booze fueled weekend. Just don’t expect me to be making that trip very often. Once a year is more than enough.

Today’s distraction: A mash up of Star Wars art one man found all over the internet. Check out the photo near the bottom of the young cast to remind yourself how hot Carrie Fisher was. Yes, indeed.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Boy's Day

Since I have the boys with me at work with me today, I will not only not get any actual work done (score!) but won't have time to get anything fully realized in here today. 

Still, my promise sticks and to keep you entertained here are clips from some of the luckiest people on earth.  Don't worry about the foreign language as hilarious internet clips are a universal language. 

Enjoy the long weekend, everyone. 

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Rat Nest

Last night we had an informal reunion of the ‘Beer O’Clock’ crew. Two of the original six were back in the city (working right down the street, no less) so plans were made to meet up a JJ Foley’s for a few swigs.

We met, hung out, reminisced, laughed a lot, got caught up in each other’s lives (catching up on mine took approximately 33 seconds) and had a few beers. Fine! Five beers for me in total. Around 7:30 we said our goodbyes and headed home in separate directions.

And, here, my friends, is where today’s story begins.

Waiting for the train to arrive I realized I had to pee really bad. Really really bad! It wasn’t a sudden urge either. When I left the pub it was an undercurrent that I figured could wait until I got home.

Still, I’ve held off longer for more urgent needs. I can make it! Right?

Thankfully, the train arrives quickly, ushers me along four or five stops and dumps me where I parked the car. As I’m walking towards the attached garage, which is about three quarters of a mile from the station, my phone goes off.

Text from Wifey reads ‘Can you pick me up a bottle of sav blanc?’

Well, fuck. I may have been able to make it home before pissing all over myself, but a stop at the liquor store is out of the question. I need to do something. Fortunately, I’m experienced at this sort of thing (please refer to drinking problem mentioned in nearly every entry since 2007).

I turn around, head back to the main parking lot and walk with purpose (and urgency) towards a lone, wooded, semi secluded area. I’ve used this site many times before so I know where the lesser over grown areas are.

I find a decent spot, unzip and begin my mission.

Now, before we go further, I should point out that this particular train stop is right along the Malden River. For those unfamiliar, this river is most well known for catching fire and burning for days because it was so polluted. It’s better now, but still smells like raw sewage on bad days.

Of course, now that it’s cleaner, wildlife has returned.

As I’m relieving myself, something white, furry and fast sprints away from me down the hill. While I’m fairly certain it was a rabbit, I have no intention of following it down any hole. Instead I keep doing what I’m doing.

Until a movement in a tree branch catches my eye. Since the land slopes down towards the river, the tree branch is at my eye level and approximately five feet in front of me. I initially think is a white snake, curled around the tree branch and moving very slowly. I duck my head a bit to get a better look and see this:

I know, right! I should mention that I am still peeing with no end in sight. While it feels FANTASTIC, I realize my new possum friend is probably very angry I’m urinating all over his turf.

Sidenote: I got the above picture by Googling ‘angry possum’ and while that’s a generic image I found, it’s almost exactly like the view I had. It had it’s back to me and was looking behind itself at me with that exact same expression.

Sidenote #2: For some reason an image of Bigfoot comes up when you Google ‘angry possum’. Has that mystery been solved?

Anyway, feeling brave, I look him in the eye and say (yes, out loud), ‘What the fuck are you looking at?’ This earns me a hiss from the ratty looking freak. But I’m not afraid. Nine out of ten times I can kick a possum’s ass, I tell myself. And tonight is not the tenth time.

I stare down the possum while I finally – seriously, I pissed for nearly three minutes straight – finish up. He (or she - I really can’t be sure) watches me the entire time, most likely checking out my junk before I zip up. I back away, turn, then stop quick and stare back at it. It’s still watching me and gives me one more hiss before I walk away.

Well, it was either a hiss or it was laughing at my penis.

I’ll never be sure.

Today’s distraction: Play the possum death game. Shoot them before they kill your camping friends. While this is bloody, for some reason I found it very funny. Turn your volume down if at work.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Happy September!

I’ve always considered September the end of summer. We can all assume that has to do with school starting up again, the sun sitting lower in the sky, nights beginning earlier and earlier.

It’s kind of depressing.

I’m fighting that feeling this year. One of the best kept secrets in Boston is the month of September. We still have plenty of gorgeous, sunny days often without the oppressive humidity that we get in July and August. Nights are beautiful and comfortable and the trees really don’t start shedding until October.

In order to pass that feeling along – and the fact that one of my loyal readers has complained that I haven’t been posting very often – I plan on posting every day during the month of September (weekends not included). Many will be brief, stupid rants (as opposed to the long, stupid rants you’re used to) and this plan will probably fall apart after a week, but my heart is in the right place.

Besides, this loyal reader has two things going for her:

1: She’s right. I’ve been slacking and I don’t want to turn into French who seems to have lost his laptop or motivation or both.

2: She’s smoking hot and I always enjoy pleasing beautiful women.

Prepare yourselves for a month of mostly useless, definitely irrelevant posts that will be read by less than ten people. Who says I don’t aim high?

Today’s distraction: My worst nightmare come true. Michael Bay is making yet another Transformers movie. Here are pics from the filming being done in Chicago. How much of a traffic nightmare was caused by this?