Thursday, September 16, 2010

Jerk Off

Christine O'Donnell is a name that you should be hearing about quite a bit in the coming months.  She just upset a favored Republican in the Maryland Senate primaries.  She's part of the Tea Party movement that wants our government to get out of everyone's lives and let the free economy do it's own things and let everyone live their own lives. 

Unless, of course, they get a pay check out of it.  Then the more government the better!  Gimme gimme gimme. 

Personally, I have nothing against the Tea Party.  They tend to lean more towards the lunatic fringe than most other parties, but all political affiliations - like religions - tend to be insane in their own ways.  One person's insanity is another's logic. 

Besides, O'Donnell is already promising to provide us with countless hours of entertainment during her campaign.  She's following the (already) well worn trail blazed by Sarah Palin.  She even appears to have found a pair of Palin's discarded eye glasses along said trail. 


'I totally had these before Palin!  She got the idea from me, I swear!'

What should concern us all is O'Donnell's stance on one of our sacred institutions:  Masturbation.  She thinks whacking off should be stopped!  Right now!  Apparently she considers the act 'selfish' and that anyone who performs such atrocious acts to be 'toying with his sexuality'. 

This just proves she doesn't know what she's talking about - there's a reason we refer to is as 'playing with yourself'.  The entire concept is to toy with yourself. 

Besides, I disagree with this act being selfish.  Can you imagine what this world would be like if teenage boys didn't masturbate?  Riots and fires and murder and genocides.  It would be awful.  All that pent up sexuality building and building before snapping like a diseased oak tree in a hurricane.  I don't want to live in a world where one 16 year old kills another because he didn't like how he sneezed into a napkin instead of a tissue. 

Masturbation releases much built up tension that would have nowhere to go otherwise.  As Michael Douglas once said 'I don't know how often I masturbated as a teenager, but it was a lot!'  You really want to forbid boys and girls who are basically walking raging hormones that release?  I sure as hell don't.  They're moody and unstable enough as it is.  Them getting off in private is saving the rest of us an whole lot of heartache. 

What's confusing is O'Donnell's stance on nearly every other issue.  To sum it up she wants the government to leave us all alone and let us be individuals.  She views socialism (the code word for this election cycle) as people doing work for the government when really the 'government should exist to empower and protect the people'. 

Only don't ever touch your own naughty bits or you'll burn in Hell!!!  I wonder what would happen if these two view points came to life in the form of people?  I suspect it would play out like young Ron Silver colliding with old Ron Silver in 'TimeCop'.  Everything would morph, twist and puddle to the floor in a bloody, screaming mess.

One of O'Donnell's rationalization for being anti masturbation (other than being a prude) was that a couple was 'going to be pleasing each other. And if he already knows what pleases him, and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?'.  Something I was wondering in regards to this election, actually. 

But - as I suspect will be the trend going forward - Miss O'Donnell is missing the point entirely.  Speaking for all men everywhere, I can say that there is no substitution for a vagina.  They're great!  I love them!  It's one of the few things that makes life worth living.  Jerking myself off doesn't come close.  When a guy in a relationship masturbates it's purely a release.  Something that needs to be done so he can start thinking straight again.

Besides, O'Donnell, if you're like every other woman in the world, there have been times when you've shot down advances your husband has made at you.  'I'm too tired',  'I have a headache', 'Cmon, we just did it last night!'.  Considering you're in a full fledged election run those excuses - unlike yourself - will be coming fast and furious.  If  you don't think hubby is going to rub one off while you're parading around town, you are sadly mistaken.  It's either that or prostitution.  Pick your poison.

You are also opening up a large number of married women to this little tactic:  'O'Donnell says we shouldn't masturbate any longer, so we're going to have to do it much more often.  Like twice a day at least.'  Do you really want women across the country to be subjected to constant sex with their husbands?  What kind of monster are you??!!

My suggestion is to lighten up on the masturbation stance, Miss O'Donnell.  You want the government out of your life, I want you out of my bathroom.  Mind your own business, keep your thoughts about everyone else's personal habits to yourself and the entire country is better off. 


Today's distraction:  The benefits of masturbation.  That's right, it's actually healthy and normal.  So O'Donnell is trying to harm us in a round a about way.  Damn woman!

4 comments:

thepowerof10 said...

What's next, making premarital sex illegal?! Damn this woman all to hell.

It's ironic though ... looking at a picture of the woman who wants to ban masturbation is making me feel happy in my pants. Now we've reached a conundrum.

Clayton Bigsby said...

Without masturbation I may have killed a few drifters from 13-19 years of age. I know guys that still rub one out 2-3 times a day. I'm pushing 30.

BeachBum said...

Sadly, when you have kids masturbation opportunities become nil. They won't even let me shit in peace and they're always popping in when I'm showering. Combine that with my advanced age and never EVER being alone and I'm left to have sex with my wife in order to satisfy my cravings.

Thankfully there is always beer.

BeachBum said...

And, you are correct, 10. I saw pictures of her in younger days and she was hot. I really hope she puts out on a daily basis to back up her claims that nobody should masturbate. It's the least she could do.