Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Spin Cycle

There's been an old fashioned, grass roots campaign in my area for a dude named Michael Day.  He's running for the State Senate and I've seen his signs everywhere.  He's standing on street corners, waving to passing cars, showing up at every single big event in order to get his name branded into every voter's memory banks.  If he was smart he'd be handing out free coffee by the subway with his name on the cups. 

Man, maybe I should get into politics. 

Sidenote #1:  Why do supporters of these guys all congregate on the same intersection?  I passed one of these gatherings on my way to work and they were stationed at all four corners.  Wouldn't it be more productive to spread out?  Four people take this intersection, you eight go down to another busy one and stake that one out.  Why all lump everyone together and limit your visibility?

It worked, I'll admit.  He has an easy, likable name to recall when you hit the section with his name listed on it.  If nothing else, people will think 'I know that name from somewhere.  I'll punch his name in'.  Although, I would be much more likely to vote for a Michael Night than Michael Day purely for the slim chance he'd be riding around in an indestructible, talking car.  But, that's just me. 

Sidenote #2:  I am fully aware he was Michael Knight in the show so save your snarky comments. 

I, however, will not be voting for Mr. Day.  And the sole reason I will not is petty and probably insane.  I refuse to vote for Michael Day because I don't like his parking habits.  There!  It's out there, I'm not proud, but I stand by my decision. 

I will explain. 

Michael Day's campaign headquarters just happen to be at the bottom of the hill on which I live at the top.  At the same spot is a rather convoluted intersection.  Two main routes cross each other with another side street that heads up into my neighborhood.  There is a set of lights for each direction of traffic which - if you aren't familiar with the area - causes some confusion.  HQ for Day's crew is right on this corner.

Now, each set of lights is triggered by a pad built into the street.  So, for example, if there was no traffic waiting at the little side street, the light will never turn green.  This is great late at night or very early in the morning.  As soon as your car hits that pad, the light immediately turns green.  There is barely any waiting. 

This is also a mixed blessing as idiots from around the globe drive to this obscure spot and, thinking they're on a one way street I guess (it's not) somehow manage to avoid the pad thus never triggering the green light.  This causes traffic problems that threaten to erupt into riots; complete with fires and explosions and babies crying. 

As I discovered over the summer there is also another problem: If a car sits on the triggering pad too long it stops thinking there is someone waiting for a green light.  Would you care to guess who parks his 'Michael Day For State Senate' bumper sticker covered car there every single time?

No, I guess you don't need to. 

When he parks here other vehicles need to scrape by his in order to get on the pad in order to turn the light green.  And if that wasn't bad enough, his car is also so close to the intersection it causes problems for people turning off and onto the street.  Wide berth is needed.  There have been more than a few times I've been tempted to get close enough to take his side mirror off.  But I'm a bigger man than that and I don't want to damage my own car. 

I don't know Michael Day, nor what he stands for.  He could be the greatest guy since...well...myself.  He could be the revolutionary politician I've been waiting for my entire life (still waiting....).  But I'm betting he isn't.  If he's self absorbed and selfish enough to park illegally, causing traffic light issues and, as a result, congestion then he's just like every other politician that has ever existed. 

First the street, then Boston, then America, then the world.  I'm taking no chances.  Cut him off at the knees, voters. 

Today's distraction:  Twenty three of the best names ever.  Expect a lot of genitalia jokes. 


Anonymous said...

Fuck him if he can't park. That story irritates me and I'm 1,000 miles away! I'd leave a note telling him that the 1,500 registered voters that use that intersection everyday are going to vote for his competitor if he doesn't move his car.

I guarantee it's moved within a few hours.

BeachBum said...

I thought of doing that, but that would require effort, the ability to think ahead, and penmanship. I possess none of those things.

Clayton Bigsby said...

Haha Rusty Kuntz. He's the Royals 1b coach now.