Last night Wifey tells me that the time is nearing for me to have The Talk with my oldest son. This gave me pause since he’s only ten, but kids are hearing and learning things at a much younger age than I ever did.
When I asked why she thought so, she told me he had asked her what a blow job was when he got home from school. She was drinking water at the time and nearly drowned. Her answer? ‘Ask you father when he gets home.’
She gave me a heads up and I had my answer (‘Only the greatest thing EVER!’) at the ready, but he never asked. Either he forgot about it or he just didn’t care enough or he found out from a friend at school.
What’s odd is I don’t recall ever having the sex conversation with my father. He attempted once, but I already knew the basics and told him to save his breath. He readily agreed but left it open with the standard ‘Well, if you have any questions just ask!’
Never happened and I knew it would never happen as he made the offer. If there is anything more awkward than talking to your own father about sex, I haven’t experienced it.
Just to be safe, I figured I’d scribble down some basic information in case I get hit by a bus or simply decide to move to another country before I ruin his childhood forever.
This is for your reference, son.
Every Woman Is Crazy: They’re all different in many ways, but they’re also nuts. Some will hide it better than others, but the crazy will eventually reveal itself. If you keep this in mind at all times, life will make a whole hell of a lot more sense.
Watch What You Say: Since every woman is crazy, you must be careful what you say. Any seemingly benign comment you make can be the one item to set her off. With guys you can relax and speak off the top of your head. With women, take that extra split second to consider the consequences of what you’re about to say. If you’re lucky, you’ve found one that has a sense of humor and can take some wise ass comments. If not, dump her and find a one less insane.
Sex Is Fun: This is the great secret adults don’t want kids to know. Sex is fun! If it wasn’t we wouldn’t keep doing it over and over again. Just wait until you’re ready then put it off another three years.
Talk To Her: Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing their first few times. Talk to her and ask what she likes or what she doesn’t like. As I said before, all women are different and like different things. Part of the fun is finding out.
Show Respect: Chivalry is not dead. Show proper manners and always – and I mean always – hold the door for them so you can check out their asses as they pass by.
Oh, this is very important…
Be Mindful Of Reflections: While it is perfectly acceptable to check out a woman’s body, you must do so on the sly. Overt ogling is rude, so make sure there are no mirrors or windows in front of the lady before you take a long look. Women know men check them out, they just don’t want us to be so obvious about it. I would suggest sunglasses and honing your peripheral vision. And whatever you do, never stop when a beautiful woman walks by on the street and watch them walk away. While that may be tempting keep in mind other good looking women may witness you thus ruining any chance you have with them.
I know…this is complicated stuff.
No Means No: And if I ever find you slipping something into a girl’s drink, I will castrate you myself.
Most Relationships Don’t Last: Don’t take it so hard when things don’t work out. You’ll have many girlfriends over the years. Keep in mind not all people are good matches. Just learn from the failures and figure out what type of girl you like and focus on those. Everything else will work itself out.
Never Cheat: It never ends well for anyone involved. End things first if you’re interested in someone else. It will hurt some feelings, but not nearly as much as cheating would. Plus it minimizes the threat of physical violence.
Work For It: The girls you have to work to get are much more rewarding than the ones that fall naked onto your bed after a night of drinking. That’s not to say there isn’t a time and place for those drunk, naked girls (referred to as ‘college’ in most societies), just that the rewards aren’t as great. Plus, there is a good chance penicillin will be in your immediate future. I’ll explain that when you get older.
Make Them Laugh: While you should be respectful, don’t be ultra serious and stiff. I know, it’s a tough balance but if you nail it the world will be yours. Besides, a beautiful woman laughing is a magical sound.
Treat Them Like Gold: Like gold you should also try to get your hands on as many as possible.
Oh, yeah. The penis gets erect and goes in the vagina. That’s actually the easy part.
Today’s distraction: As a tribute to ‘Boardwalk Empire’ that had one of the bloodiest endings in television history, here is the Steve Buscemi Creep Meter.