Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Talking 'Bout An Evolution

I have long suspected we are witnessing the beginnings of an evolutionary change. 

It's foundation is nothing more than anecdotal up until now, but we all see the signs:  Tanning; getting manicures and pedicures; obsessing about fashion; using hair styling gels; getting hair done at a salon; taking spa treatments; fretting about relationships, their weight, how often to wax hair on their bodies. 

Women have always done those things.  This is the men I'm referring to.  I'm 99.9% certain that every guy reading this has done one or more of the things listed above.  Hell, I just saw a shaving commercial that shows a guy in the shower shaving his chest hair.  What the holy hell?  When did that become an acceptable practice?  What happened to the glory days of Tom Selleck? 

'They shave what now?'

Quite simply, I think men are turning into women. 

This is usually the time when eyes roll and people laugh or cautiously move to another seat on the bus.  No more!  I now have scientific evidence backing me up. 

An international group of researchers spent some time looking into how BPA is effecting the human body.  BPA, known by smarty pants as Bisphenol A, is a compound found most commonly in plastics used in water bottles (that's right), dental fillings, eyeglass lenses, CDs and DVDs.  Basically, if it's clear and it's plastic chances are excellent it contains BPA.  

How does this relate to my crazy theory?  Quite well, thank you very much.  BPA is an 'endocrine disruptor' (whatever the fuck that means) that is 'estrogenic' in nature.  If you've gone cross eyed hearing all these big words, in layman terms this compound mimics estrogen in a person's body and is known to disrupt sex hormone signalling in other animals.   

Everyone knows what estrogen is, right?  Only the most important female sex hormone ever!  And males have been exposed to this for the last 30 years, which, if my math is correct, is about the same time 'Love Story' was released.  It all fits!!!

Even more disturbing is that the testosterone rate for men in this study rose only slightly while their sex hormones were being disrupted by dirty, filthy, yet highly sexy fake estrogen-like compounds.  This has female conspiracy written all over it. 

I know what you're thinking:  BeachBum, if this is true, how have you remained your studly, manly, macho self?  Simple, my caring friends, I drink nothing but beer from glass bottles.  No BPAs floating in my system.  Who says alcoholism is bad?  Not me!

Band together, my brothers!  Put down your girly Avian water bottles, step away from your Chinese pedicurist (unless she's really hot), resign yourself to ratty jeans and a baseball cap and start eating loads of red meat.  Hell, go out and kill your own food and eat it raw!  Then refuse to shower for three days! Take back your masculinity!

The time is now!!

Today's distraction:  Seven scientific reasons a zombie outbreak would quickly fail.  These scientist guys are smart.


Anonymous said...

Plain, old fashioned laughter is what came from this post. I enjoyed it my friend.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

I drink my beer out of cans, so I should be good. Hilarious post.