Here is how the computer situation works in my house:
I get a new computer from work - usually a laptop. My old laptop filters down to Wifey who - by this point - is in dire need of an upgrade. In this case her old laptop, which was my old OLD laptop, was so excruciatingly slow I would scream at it in frustration.
Enter my current new laptop with Windows 7 and lightning fast speed. Exit my old one. Since I'm handy with technical gizmos, I managed to get Windows 7 on my old one and it's running fabulously. Everyone is happy.
But, as is often the case, nothing is ever simple. In this particular case Wifey has approximately two billion digital pictures on her old one that needed to be transferred. This project was also hampered by Wifey's inability to answer seeming simple questions. For example 'Well, where are the pictures on the old laptop?'
'I dunno, I just open up the Kodak software and there they are!'
I should point out that Wifey tends to get defensive about things she doesn't know. As if my simply asking the question is an accusation. Keep this in mind later in this story.
Off I go searching for the photos. For a while she had me convinced they were actually incorporated into the Kodak software. 'Wait, did you put them on the internet? Maybe you just need to login to the Kodak site and they'll be available to you again?'
'Maybe, I don't remember.'
'Do you remember uploading them?'
'No, I didn't put them on the internet because you told me never to do that.'
Note: I tell her not to put pictures up on Facebook as well, but she throws things up there willy nilly.
Anyway, I spend a few minutes tracking down the pictures, plug in my USB drive to copy them and open up the folder in which they reside. They're organized by date and equal about 4 gazillion gigabytes. It might be time to buy her a server to hold all this shit.
I start the copy process and notice - much to my surprise and confusion - a pair of breasts staring me in the face. I double take, blink a few times, rub my eyes, open only to see the same two tits still there. Yes, they are my wife's. When you see a set of honkers every day for fifteen years, you know them like the back of your hand.
There was no doubt these were a picture of Wifey's boobs. Besides, the necklace I gave her for Christmas a few years ago was plainly visible.
As you can imagine, several scenarios jump to mind.
Is she having an affair? Was this taken for the boyfriend?
Was she attempting to send the pic to me? She's not the most technological savvy person in the world so maybe she got stuck after the initial 'take the picture and get it on the computer' part?
Was this for medical reasons?
While the other photos copy I debate the wisdom of confronting her. It is her laptop, after all and she doesn't take to questioning very well. Besides, do I really want the answers to what I'm about to ask?
Fuck yeah, I do.
The copying finishes, I motion Wifey over and ask simply 'Uh?????' while pointing at her naked chest.
She turns bright red and exclaims 'Shit, I thought I had deleted that!' which really didn't help my frame of mind. She continues to tell me that Oprah had a show on boobs (my words, not hers) and she suggested that every woman take a photo of their own tits so they can take a good look at them. Wifey explained to me why this was suggested, but I was staring at bare breasts and only half understood what the point was.
Besides, Oprah, why a picture? We have these things called mirrors and they've worked very well for centuries. Not like women's breasts are on their backs! If they were, men would invest more time into slow dancing.
Some lessons learned:
1: Wifey will do anything Oprah tells her to do. This frightens me more than the possibility of her having an affair with some strange, disease ridden dude. I am now terrified that Oprah's last show will be a command for women to murder every man on the face of the planet. Men, start taking up arms.
2: My eldest son could have been traumatized off women forever if things went differently. He had been sharing the laptop with Wifey for playing games online and could have very easily seen this picture.
3: I have to admit, I was disappointed the picture wasn't for me.
4: Wifey still has a nice rack even after two kids and 40 years on earth.
Sadly, I tried talking her into letting me use it for the background on my phone but she was having none of it.
Today's distraction: I just spent the last two days playing my way through this game. It's called Blosics 2 and it will make the holiday slow season much more tolerable.
Enjoy your weekends.