Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Penis Power!

Most of my days wind down when I make the boys take baths and/or showers.  Ten year old takes care of himself although I'm a bit concerned he's turning into a metro.  He asked for Axe Body Wash for Christmas and has been using it regularly

Fine.  As long as he's clean and doesn't stink.  I've already convinced him he should be using deodorant (which he puts on every morning) because he may hit puberty any second now and I REFUSE to have the kid that gets nicknamed 'Smelly' by his classmates!

My younger one requires work.  He takes showers now (because big brother does), but he still doesn't have the concept of 'washing' down.  He thinks if he rinses off, that's enough.  I'm sure many of you reading this think the same.

His showers usually end up with  me bending into the stall to wash him down or in the shower with him.  I get soaked regardless.  If I get in there with him it limits the water all over the floor when we're done.  Why I feel I need to justify this to you in any way remains unclear.  He's my kid and I'll do what I want.  How's that?

Part of the joy of having boys (my joy, anyway) is the non stop questions regarding the penis, farts and women's boobs.  What is the plural of penis?  Penii?  Penises?  Neither sound right. 

Anyway, here are a collection of penis related quotes from my youngest during bath time. 

'Dad, look!  I can make it dance!'

While drying himself off the towel touches his penis while flowing to the floor. 'I have the biggest penis in the universe!'

When done with the towel:  'I'm hanging my huge penis up so I don't have to carry it around.  It's too heavy.'

While we're both drying off:  'Dad, how come you have a BIG HUGE penis (his hands stretch from his head to the floor) while I have a (voice rising in pitch) teeny tiny one?'

Note:  My penis is not huge by any stretch of the imagination and I had to explain that his would grow along with the rest of his body.  He seemed slightly mortified by that concept.  Even more so when I explained he would get hair, as well. 

'Why doesn't Mommy have a penis?  She just has a hairy boob down there.'  I couldn't correct him because I was laughing too hard. 

Lastly, what has become my new battle cry. 

Both boys have a habit of grabbing their clothes and dashing downstairs so they can streak through the house yelling 'IT'S NAKED BOY!'

Last weekend I asked them 'What is naked boy's super power?'  Youngest, without missing a beat, points his penis at me and says 'It's PENIS POWER' and makes the PSSSHHHHHH peeing sound. 

Nailed it. 

Penis power indeed!


Today's distraction:  Five things you didn't know (and probably didn't want to know) about the penis.  Safe for work, by the way.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

TV Land

Some (very) quick thoughts from the Land of Paradi...er...television.  Work is killing me so let's get right to this. 

-  One of my favorite people ever has asked - no...DEMANDED - I start watching 'The Wire'.  Since I do whatever hot blondes tell me to do (and I trust her opinion) I've Netflixed Season One and have been totally hooked.  Only three episodes in with 4 - 6 at my house now and am debating posting some thoughts as I get through each season. 

Tough to write about a show already so complicated it's tough to keep track of all the characters, but I think I can pull it off.  Hell, if I can get through 'Lost' I can figure this show out. 

I hope. 

Quick Sidenote:  Netflix has become such a success it's now a verb.  As in 'You'll love that movie!  Netflix it and let me know what you think.'

-  I've talked non stop about 'The Good Wife' so I won't bore you.  Instead I'll have a professional do the job for me.  Might be some spoilers in here, but I wanted proof I'm not the only one hooked on this show.  If you haven't started in, tonight is the perfect time to do so.  You can catch up with Season One over the summer.  Thank me later. 

-  Anyone else see that gruesome episode of 'House' last night?  Holy shit!  We always knew House was a bit of a lunatic, but operating on his own leg in the bathtub hit new levels of insanity.  I'm not even a squeamish person, but that had me twisting in my seat. 

-  On a related note, I hate Olivia Wilde's new haircut.  Her and Chase are going to get it on very soon.

-  Read that Cuddy is not coming back next season.  That's always a good career move: leave a hit TV show to pursue other possibilities.  It's worked so well in the past.

-  A bit disappointed 'The Chicago Code' has been canceled.  Very well done, although it needed to lighten up a bit.  I wonder if the cost of filming in Chicago was one of the reasons for it's departure. 

-  'Detroit 187' has also been canceled.  Apparently viewers don't have a fondness for one note, murder detectives in blue collar cities.  Go figure. 

-  One of the 'Criminal Minds' got canceled, too.  By my count that only leaves 21 'Law and Order', 'CSI', 'NCIS' and 'Criminal Mind' shows left. 

-  I don't watch 'Castle' and probably never will, but several coworkers were buzzing about last night's season finale.  In case you had any interest. 

-  Great to see 'The Office' get back to it's strengths with last week's Dwight vs Jim managerial show down.  Always enjoyed those two battling.  Even when Jim loses (like the snowball fight) I get a laugh out of them. 

-  Whoever recommended 'Parks and Recreations' to me, I owe you many thanks (Jum?).  I'm still getting caught up with the characters, but there are 2 - 3 laugh out loud moments an episode.  Highlight so far was the 'snake oil' episode.  'What, exactly, is in snake oil?'

Ok, back to work.  I've got some stories to pass along from my New York trip, but I don't have time today.  Soon!!


Today's distraction:  A sneak peak at ABC's fall schedule.  It includes - I shit you not - a new 'Charlie's Angels'.  I do believe this signals the official bankruptcy of original ideas in Hollywood.   

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Aging Process

My (at the time) nine year old looks at me across the dinner table and asks, in all seriousness, 'Dad, when did you start going bald?'

While Wifey is laughing I answer him with a question of my own: 'How old are you?'

Even at nine years he gets the point and exclaims 'Hey!', pretending to be insulted.

Only I wasn't kidding (that much).  Becoming a parent has taken a toll on me.  For the past ten years I've aged more than the previous 30 years combined.  It's like becoming President - you age in dog years.  I don't know how my parents managed five kids without turning to dust in front of our eyes. 

If you have kids you know what I mean.  You start forgetting the names of your good friends.  You walk into a room, look around and completely forget why you entered in the first place.  Instead of your favorite Rolling Stones song, that fucking alien Elmo's voice is bouncing around in your decaying skull.  

Take solace, my child ridden friends, for we have answers.  As always, science is here to help explain away our dementia.  It turns out that people who get fewer than seven hours of sleep a night have 'faster aging brains'.  Yay!

So, when you have to get up at 11pm, then 3 am, then 6 am because that goddamn baby needs to eat ALL THE FUCKING TIME your brain is aging more rapidly than that childless, lucky son of a bitch snoring away in his penthouse apartment.  Most likely there is a super model next to him, too.  That fucker!  Quoth the study from Sleep magazine, poor sleepers 'cognitive function is on par with someone who 's three to seven years older'. 

Want proof?  Tom Brady!  He had a kid last season and fell apart immediately in the playoffs.  Would that have happened before the baby?  Hell, no!  He would have ripped the Jets apart and won Super Bowl number 4 for the Pats.  Stupid kid!

What's strange is this same study found the same mental deterioration in people who sleep MORE than nine hours a night. Although, that certainly explains waking up after twelve hours of sleep feeling out of sorts and discombobulated.  I always thought it was the 20 beers I drank the night before.

So, the sweet spot is between seven and eight hours.  Basically what we've been told since we were kids.

I would argue that it's not just your brain that ages.  Take a look at your friends that don't have kids.  They still look great!  Unless they were fugly to begin with.  Having kids doesn't just age your brain, it ages every part of you in fast motion.  Sure, it probably all relates to lack of sleep, but it's not just the brain we worry about.  Look at 10, who hasn't written in 5 months since the birth of his first child.  Hell, he may be institutionalized for all we know.  At the very least, his mental capacity has aged three to seven years in the past year.  That's not good. 

Thankfully, my boys are at the age now where they can get up in the morning while I sleep in.  I will admit my brain does seem better and I'm more alert and sharp than I was four years ago.  I wonder if your brain repairs itself from those early childhood years?  Or does that damage remain for the rest of your life?

Because I still have nights like last where six year old sprints into our bed in the middle of the night due to a nightmare or because he's cold or he just can't fall asleep. 

Let's just hope he isn't damaging my mental faculties because of some crazy dream. 

Sidenote:  Son's crazy dream was explained to me like this:  'Dad, remember that movie when the ghost stole the car and was getting chased by the police?  That was my nightmare.  The ghost wound up crashing into a wall and disappearing.'

My response: 'First, the only movie that exists like that is in your head.  Although, it does sound AWESOME!  Second, if there was such a movie I would never let someone as young as you watch it. It sounds a lot like 'Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit' only with a ghost driver.'

Second son, listening to this exchange: 'Wait, how would a ghost drive?  Wouldn't his hands go through the wheel?  Could he even sit on the seat?  I thought ghosts float through things...'

Youngest son: 'Whatever, it was just a dream.  Do we have any Corn Pops left?'


Today's distraction:  Find out if you're a 'Sleep Slouch'.  I most definitely am. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

This 'N That

How has there not been a convenience store chain named 'This N That', yet?

Whoops, getting ahead of myself. 

A few random thoughts while I recover from a marathon card game Saturday night.  Yes, I'm still recovering.  I'm old and tired and shouldn't be doing that shit any more.  It was fun, though. 

Off we go.

-  Obama got Osama.  Can we get a rap song with that title?  What I understand even less is what the fuck we're still doing in Iran and Afghanistan?  Bin laden wasn't in either of those countries.  Even worse he wasn't hiding out in a nasty cave in some god forsaken, freezing cold mountain.  He was hanging with his buds in a compound that I'm pretty sure was built by Osama himself.  I'll bet it has AC and a kicking sound system with prostitutes coming and going all hours of the night.  I'm picturing a Miami Vice like drug lord mansion.  It was probably closer to Saddam's spider hole, though. 

-  I would have loved for Obama to take his birth certificate and wiped Trump's ass with it immediately following his announcement about Bin Laden.  How was that still a story?  I realize Trump is basically a clown and/or used car salesman, but even he had to realize that Obama would never have been allowed to run for ANY public office, never mind be elected President, without some basic background checks.  Further proof that Republicans are catering to the lunatic fringe.  Trump never believed anything he said about Obama's birth certificate, he just wanted to gain support from the loonies in the boonies. 

It worked, too.  Sad. 

-  Let's get back to why our country is in two wars when it's apparent we had no reason to go into either country in the first place.  Iran did not have WMDs yet we're paying that bill with billions of dollars, blown off limbs and thousands of lives.  Afghanistan was (possibly) a logical place to look for Bin Laden, but he's not there.  Let's get out!  What's the hold up?  'We found what we were looking for, folks!  Peace out!'

-  I should point out that Bush's 'Shock and Awe' campaign was more expensive and less effective (not too mention more uselessly lethal) than simply using intelligence to find bin Laden and sending in a single elite troop to take care of business.  While I'm no Obama fan (yet), Bush's Presidency could soon be considered one of the more disastrous in the history of our country.  Quick check list:  Unwarranted war?  Check.  Economy in ruin?  Check.  Outright lying to the American people?  Check.  Lying to UN?  Check.  Nearly choking to death on pretzel in Cheney's last ditch attempt to become King of America?  Check.

-  I was proud of myself Saturday night.  Not only did I stay awake until 2:30 am (nearly 3!!) but I pulled a vintage drinking performance out of my ass (not literally).  Twelve beers consumed.  Totally sober, no hangover.  And I didn't even have a proper dinner.  I rocked it!

-  Oh, the first seasonal cigar was enjoyed. 

-  Ice coffee season was officially kicked off last week in BeachBum World.  I now stop for a BAMF (Big Ass Mother Fucka for those just joining) at Dunkin Donuts every morning. 

-  I really should develop a BeachBum World.  Like Disney only with no annoying cartoon characters, hundreds of different beers, topless waitresses and, of course, beautiful beaches for miles.  Any real estate tycoons reading willing to donate their beach front property for beta testing purposes? 

-  I wonder if Paul Pierce would have been kicked out of Game 1 if it were anyone but Dwayne Wade he was setting a pick on?  

-  While we're here, Ainge is looking like a genius for the Perkins trade.  His reasoning was the Celtics wouldn't need a defensive big man because Orlando wasn't going to be a threat in the Eastern conference.  He instead wanted another swing man (small/big forward) to help defend against LeBron/Wade.  The only problem being the Celtics have yet to beat the Heat since Perkins has left.  Details. 

-  Red Sox are looking better, but they really need to develop some sort of personality.  I'm hoping the Crawford walk off hit will loosen them up so they can start having some fun.  Right now they're robotic and business like. 

-  Breaking news has it that bin Laden was not armed when the Navy Seals shot him.  To which I ask 'Who cares?' 

-  One final bin Laden thought:  While I understand why the Navy buried bin Laden at sea (or so they say...) in accordance with Muslim edicts, a part of me wanted them to drag his body around like 'Weekend At Bernie's'.  Have him partying it up with bikini clad hotties, forcing beer funnels into him, taking his lifeless body water skiing and bouncing it off buoys and docks. 

After all, thousands of 9/11 victims never receive a proper burial.  Why should he?

Today's distraction:  Meet the 2011 Patriot cheerleaders.  My gift to you.  Let's hope we see them on time and on the field.  This stupid lockout is pissing me off.