Friday, August 12, 2011

Ponder This

I'm going on vacation next week and, since my adoring public would be apoplectic if I neglected to post anything before taking off, I've decided to give everyone a few questions to ponder while I'm gone.  Feel free to leave any significant answers in the comments section. 

I should point out that these come from a game called 'What The Fuck?' and was used to entertain myself and DA during slow work days (every day was slow for DA) for months. 

Oh, this can also be turned into a drinking game by placing bets on who you think will answer a particular question a certain way.  Basically this is the greatest game ever invented. 

Enjoy! 

1:  Which career are you more suited to?

a:  Guidance Counselor
b:  Porn Star

My answer:  Guidance Counselor.  Don't think I could 'perform' when the girl just shot up with the latest designer drug and snorted Ecstasy. 

2:  What would you rather change your last name to?

a:  Pickles
b:  Snodgrass

My answer:  Snodgrass.  Much more hilarious. 

3:  Would you eat a banana slug if doing so vaccinated you against colds and flus for the rest of your life?

a:  Yes
b:  No

My answer:  Abso-fucking-lutely, which isn't one of the options but you get the point.  I hate being sick and would do anything to avoid feeling like shit 2 - 3 times a year. 

4:  What would you rather give up for a year?

a:  All dairy products
b:  alcohol

My answer:  I'm pretty sure I inadvertently gave up all dairy products for alcohol my junior year in college.  So I know I can do it. 

5:  Would you ride a bicycle from California to New York for $25,000?

a:  Yes
b:  No

My answer:  I would walk that for 25 grand. 

6:  You are captured by a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean.  What would you rather do?

a:  Become a servant and love slave to the entire crew
b:  Walk the plank and try to swim three miles to a nearby island. 

My answer:  Definitely B.  I'm a strong swimmer and prefer my anus to remain one way.  However, I will reconsider if said pirates are smoking hot models rebelling against the beauty establishment. 

7:  What would you least like to have dropped down your pants?

a:  six lit charcoal briquettes
b:  a dozen fire ants

My answer:  Def A.  The fire ants you could squash pretty quickly. 

8:  If you suffered brain damage that caused your IQ to plummet, how would you prefer to be referred to by others?

a:  gifted
b:  special

My answer:  Why would I care?  I'm brain damaged and probably can't even feed myself.  Screw everyone else. 

9:  Who would you rather have living in your attic?

a:  Your significant other's parents
b;  A poltergeist

My answer:  Poltergeist simply for the entertainment value. 

10:  Which item would you rather wear for a full day at work?

a:  a plastic diaper
b:  a rain bonnet

My answer:  B.  Plastic diaper would probably get really uncomfortable after a while.  Now a REAL diaper? I would have to think about that. 

11:  You are thrown into jail and have your choice of cellmates.  Who do you choose?

a:  The cross dressing arsonist
b:  The anorexic gang member

My answer:  B.  Dude probably weighs 80 pounds.  I could push him away with one hand if he starts any shit. 

12:  Where would you rather spend the night?

a:  In your neighbor's dog house
b:  In bed with your significant other's parents

My answer:  Dog house.  Hands down. 

13:  What would you rather be for a day?

a:  a member of the opposite sex
b:  an eagle

My answer:  B.  I'm thankful every day I'm a guy. 

14:  What would you find more flattering?

a:  Having a newly discovered star named after you
b:  A 1-900 dating service wanting to run your photo in their ad

My answer:  This is actually a tough one, but I'd have to go with B.  Nobody cares about the universe anymore. 

15:  Would you beat up a member of the clergy for $100,000?

a:  yes
b:  no

My answer:  I've already done this for free. 

16:  Who would you rather receive a phone call from?

a:  The mayor of your city
b:  Satan

My answer:  B -  I have so many questions.

17:  You save a witch from drowning in a vat of butter.  She offers you a choice of rewards.  Which do you accept?

a:  a book of usable spells
b:  her flying broom.

My answer:  The book of spells which probably has one on how to make a broom fly. 

18:  What would you rather be?

a:  a superhero with powers that only work when you're naked
b:  the world's most talented painter, but you can only paint when dogs are barking

My answer:  Without a doubt, A.  I hate barking dogs. 

19:  Would you let your butt be used for a dart board if the bartender promised you free drinks for the rest of  your life?

a:  yes
b:  no

My answer:  B, but it should point to a problem if I had to give this SERIOUS consideration before deciding. 

Lastly....

20:  Would you go the bathroom in your pants for two days - without changing clothes - for a $10,000 shopping spree at your favorite mall?

a:  yes
b:  no

My answer:  Hell no.   This is way too disgusting for me to consider.  I'm betting women take longer to consider this than most men. 

Carry on, friends.  Catch up to you in a week or so. 


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