Wednesday, September 28, 2011

NFL Postmortem - Week 3

There is a saying in basketball that has proven correct every time:  Live by the three, die by the three.  It basically means that if you depend on three point accuracy to win games, you will lose at the worst possible time when that typically low percentage shot stops falling.
 
This can now translate to the NFL:  Live by the pass, die by the pass.  The Patriots have actually proven this the last three seasons.  Going pass heavy and not even bothering to establish any sort of running game.  Eventually passes will go astray or get tipped or bounce off a random helmet and the outcome will not be pleasant.  Except for Bills' fans. 

This can now - albeit loosely - be translated to fantasy football, as well: Live by the Vick, die by the Vick.  I've been dying by him the last two weeks and am now giving serious consideration to Colt McCoy simply because he finishes games. 

I know I'm a day or two late with this, so let's cruise through the games.  If anyone still remembers them. 

-  Allow me to dispense with the fantasy boredom first.  Not only did I have Vick playing half games for me, but Kenny Britt was my leading wide receiver.  Things have quickly gone south for me this season, but I'm vowing to bounce back.  I've still got Dez Bryant and his girly tendencies, DeSean Jackson (who has done nothing the last two weeks) and Steve Smith.  I'm going to attempt to trade for Jordy Nelson, too, but don't want to give up too much.  Frank Gore will be my chip since he apparently retired two years ago and never told anyone. 

-  Post I left on my fantasy league site.   'Subject:  On The Block.  Wanted:  Medical/Training staff experienced with concussions, broken hands, MCL/ACL tears.  Bionic knee replacement experimentation preferred.'

No replies yet.  Humorless fuckers. 

-  Whether or not Buffalo is for real, they've got me convinced. They just don't quit, Fitzpatrick never loses his cool, and Fred Jackson is a beast.  If their defense can pick it up a bit, we'll be talking about them in January. 

-  That said, what were the Bills doing in the final two minutes of the game?  Why weren't they using Jackson to pound in the ball?  I get killing the clock, but doesn't it make sense to get the 7 points and force the Patriots to tie it up?  Instead we had half hearted kneel downs and confusion and penalties and Fitzpatrick nearly losing the ball on a snap.  Just give it to Jackson, let him fall down once, then use the other two tries to get a TD.  I shouldn't second guess since it worked out.  I was convinced the field goal was going to miss after all that which would have been hilarious. 

-  Great to see Ochocinco chipping in for the Pats finally.  Insert sarcasm face here. 

-  Not so convinced about Detroit now.  They looked TERRIBLE in the first half at Minnesota.  Good thing they were playing the Vikings. 

-  Game that told us nothing about either team and might double as the worst game of the year:  49ers 13  - Bengals 8.  The 49ers may have the worst offensive line in the NFL.  Just watch them try to run the ball.  Or protect the passer.  Or not false start.  Or stand up straight. 

-  How you know your team has QB issues:  When your starter throws for 250 yards, one TD and everyone is raving about how well he played.  Welcome to the Chad Henne Express.  Oh, and they lost the game. 

-  Do I dare buy into the Matt Hasselbeck resurgence?  He's still available in my League That Matters and has outscored my three roster quarterbacks.  I think not.  I've been down the Hasselbeck Trail before and it never ends well. 

-  The Ravens make big splashes with the Anquan Boldin and Lee Evans trades only to see a no name rookie (Tory Smith) explode for 152 receiving yards and 3 TDs.  Did anyone anywhere have this guy starting on their fantasy team?  I say no.   Well, maybe his brother or father. 

-  Watched some of the Raiders - Jets and Sanchez does not look like he's improved at all.  Aren't we supposed to see some sort of improvement?  Seems like he's making the same mistakes he made in year one. 

-  Is there any way to stop the Packers offense?  They are so versatile and potent they're going to have to beat themselves.  It might be time for me to insert Ryan Grant into my fantasy lineup, too.  He ran for over 90 yards on 17 carries.  James Stark?  11 carries for 5 yards.  Five. 

-  The Steelers have not looked great so far this year.  They barely beat the Colts despite holding them to under 150 yards passing.  This Post-Peyton Era is going to be ugly. 

-  I like to watch the stats for the number of times a receiver was 'targeted' by a quarterback.  It helps me figure out who he likes throwing to and gives a fairly accurate estimate on whether the balls thrown were being forced.  For example, Reggie Wayne was thrown to 13 times.  He caught 3 passes.  That could mean he had a bad day or his QB sucked (it was this one) or he was covered extremely well.

On the opposite side was Mike Wallace who was thrown to 7 times, caught 5 of them for 144 yards and a touchdown.  That, my NFL friends, is efficiency. 

I should point out that my sleeper for the year was Emmanuel Sanders who caught 2 passed but was targeted 5 times.  Lame. 

-  Can we pause on all the Tony Romo love for a few games, please.  He had a QB rating of 70.5 and did not look good for most of the game.  Yes, I get it, he was hurt and proved what a 'warrior' he is, but if Dallas had lost everyone would be asking why he didn't sit out and give his team a better chance to win.  And they were perilously close to losing that game. 

-  Is there a more exciting open field player than Darren Sproles?  Have I already asked this question?  If so, did anyone answer?

-  One of my fantasy competitors decided to play Cam Newton in place of Matt Schaub.  He protested 'But all the fantasy guys were saying Cam was going to have a huge game'.  True, but they didn't predict a monsoon hitting Carolina at game time.  And, seriously, these so called 'gurus' are just guessing like we are. 

-  You know you've made it in sports when you're referred to by one name.  Larry, Magic, Peyton,  Shaq, Ronaldo, Cam....you know exactly who I mean without any need for a last name.  Took Cam Newton two weeks to enter that stage. 

-  Game number two that told us nothing about either team:  Tampa Bay 16  -  Atlanta 13.  Although I'm thinking Atlanta may have been severely over rated heading into the season. 

-  Game not even worth mentioning:  Seattle 13  -  Arizona 10.

Stat of the Week (continuation):  The Vikings have outscored their opponents in the first half 54 - 7 and have lost all three games. 

Until next week! 

Monday, September 26, 2011

Random Weekend

I'll get to the NFL tomorrow.  Today, let's sit down and catch up with each other.  That sound good?  I feel like our quality time together has been at a minimum. 

-  Friday was a roller coaster of disaster followed by hope and fun.  Allow me to explain. 

A bunch of us were scheduled to attend the annual Children's Hospital fundraiser, which is fun in and of itself.  Only this year it was scheduled to be held at Fenway Park.  The idea was to show the Yankee - Sox game on the new HD center field screen while we got our charitable drink on. 

So go the plans of mice and men, right?

Friday morning my niece suffered some sort of seizure.  According to Wifey, her father was asking her what she wanted for lunch that day and she simply stared straight ahead.  He turns around and asks again.  Still nothing.  Like she was transfixed to the television set.  He gets closer to her and hears her uttering a strange sound before suddenly collapsing. 

They rush her to the hospital (ironically, Children's Hospital), have her checked out, she seems lucid and aware, the docs give her some medication to take and send her home.  She's home ten minutes and has a full fledged seizure which was 100 times worse than the first.  Back to the hospital, two night stay and one 24 hour brain wave study to figure out what the hell is going on later and they send her home again. 

She's 16, was just learning how to drive, is entering her senior year of high school and will not be able to drive at least six months, not play sports for the next two and will have to be on this medication for the rest of her life (if they can't trace what's causing the seizures). 

Understandably, her parents were no longer going to the Fenway event and Wifey wasn't sure she wanted to go, either. 

Fortunately, we had to bring in some of the donated auction items to the gig.  Wifey and I hung out at Fenway, didn't get to watch the Sox game since it had been rained out, and had a blast.  We wound up coming home with a nice bottle of wine, two hand painted pictures brought back from Ghana, five tickets to Trampoline Land (a free hour of bouncing!), two tickets to an F1 Racing circuit (you drive real F1 race cars) that I CAN'T WAIT TO USE, and a full fledged turkey dinner for ten people that we're going to use for Thanksgiving. 

Oh, and the women at these charity events are mind boggling.  What happens when a bunch of rich dudes get together in one room? They bring all their trophies. 

-  As part of the event we got a free tour of Fenway Park, complete with a history lesson that nearly bored me to tears.  I did find out what happened to the Coke bottles that used to be attached to the light stands on the Green Monster:  They took them down because the owners found them ugly.  They'll be put up in the new spring training facility in Florida next season. 

Here are a couple of pics from the night.  Enjoy. 



Fenway Press Box.  Imagine 50 fat dudes sitting in the empty seats.



Rainy, empty Fenway.  Or how it looks next time John Lackey pitches at home.



-  A good friend of mine just left our company last week.  I have a rule that anyone who I enjoy working with needs to leave me a token of our friendship.  What she left was perfect:  A shot glass with our company logo on it and a card with a picture of Bender from Futurama.  It says 'Work While Bent.  A sober robot can't do his job, he depends on your beer'.  Rest assured, this will travel with me to every future job. 

-  Not only is John Lackey the worst signing in Red Sox history (beating out JD Drew and Dice K by a mile), he's apparently a first class douchebag as well.  He played the 'how dare the media ask me questions even though I make 85 million dollars for playing a kids game' card after last night's game.  He was pissed that someone had the audacity to text him a question regarding his personal life.  How dare they!!????

Today it comes out he's filed for divorce from his wife who is battling breast cancer.  Lackey better hope the Red Sox don't play another home game this season, because he is going to be crucified when he takes the mound.  If he gives up another 8 runs in 5 innings, we could see our first mob related death of a player.  Boston fans rushing the field and tearing him limb from limb; using his head as a soccer ball.  He is officially not welcome on our team any longer.  It's one thing to be terrible.  It's another to be arrogant.  It's still another to be terrible, arrogant and a complete asshole to everyone in life. 

I think I speak for every Sox fan when I say we'd rather have your soon to be ex-wife pitching every three days than have you spend one more minute on any Boston team.  Go fuck yourself, Schlackey.

-  'The Good Wife' returned last night and I couldn't have been happier.  Well played by Felicia and Will at the office.  Well played.  I could enjoy the Peter - Felicia work rivalry, as well.  Eli, as always, was pure Gold. 

-  Anyone else checking out 'Terra Nova' tonight?  Might give it a shot. 

-  Recommended new shows (so far): 'Up All Night', 'The New Girl', and 'Free Agents'.  I'm hoping 'Free Agents' focuses more on work life than the two leads.  I've been looking for a 'Better Off Ted' replacement and this could fill the bill. 

-  Also watched the first episode of 'Revenge'.  Not sure I'm in for the long haul.  I did enjoy the innocent, socially adept way revenge was taken the first time around, but there are a lot of red flags.  Terrible flashbacks, terrible wigs in the flashbacks, random people popping up and figuring it all out less than two days after she arrives in town.  I'm hoping it evens out, because all the ingredients are there for a mean spirited war of the classes, but I get the feeling it's going to turn into 'Dynasty'. 

-  Since the lead chick won an Emmy I figured I'd check out 'Mike and Molly'.  Didn't get it.  Seems like every sitcom every made.  Only with heavier people.  Out after 20 minutes. 

-  Send me some suggestions folks.  Really want to check out 'HomeLand' but I don't have Showtime.  I think 'Boardwalk Empire' began Season 2 last night, as well.  Need to check my DVR. 

-  What else?  Boys are kicking ass in school already.  Both got 100 scores on their first tests.  First grader is all excited because he's starting to read and write at a more advanced level.  Since they did so well, Wifey and I told them they could pick out new Nerf guns and we had a battle royale in our house.  It got intense.  I was shot in the throat and balls at the same time.  My youngest picked out a gun so huge it's nearly as tall as he is.  It also shoots from one end of the house to another.  Nerf knows how to do it right. 


That's it for now.  Back to stupid work. 


Today's distraction:  What happens every 60 seconds on the internet.  Let's assume this is an estimate.   

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

NFL Postmortem - Week 2

It didn't take long for me to be reminded fantasy football is a double edged sword.  For every thrilling Fred Jackson sprint into the Raiders' secondary (honestly, I didn't realize how fast he was until this past weekend) there is Mike Vick getting knocked out of the game by his own lineman. 

Stupid concussions. 

At least I didn't own Jamaal Charles who is now lost for the season.  He was my man last year and is one of the few players I love to watch.  Every time he touched the ball there was the possibility for an electric outcome.  Sorry, Mr. Charles (and all his owners).  Get back soon. 

-  As bad as losing Charles will be for fantasy owners, has there been a more destructive injury in the history of fantasy football then Peyton Manning missing time?  Every one on the Colts is having sub par years.  Reggie Wayne had four receptions for 66 yards.  Dwight Clark is now a mediocre tight end.  Pierre Garcon is...well...he's still Pierre Garcon.  The Colts are now 0 - 2, their franchise QB is flying to Europe for experimental stem cell therapy, and they just lost to the Browns for the first time in a generation.

Safe to say, Colt fans are a mopey bunch this season. 

-  Running a close second are KC fans, who have lost their best player, their first two games in embarrassing fashion, any self esteem, yet still have a terrible head coach.  We'll see how they bounce back this weekend, but it sure seems like Haley has lost this team. 

-  Buffalo - Oakland was the most exciting game of the weekend.  Fitzpatrick certainly cemented himself as a top notch quarterback, as well.  Let's see how they do against the Jets or Pats before we all pile on the bandwagon, though. 

-  Speaking of the Pats, Brady and offensive coordinator....whoever it is....are reinventing the tight end position.  Hernandez and Gronkowski are a two headed monster and could be prototypical of a new generation of players.  Linebackers who run routes like wide receivers.  How do you defend them when there are two on the field at the same time?

-  Two teams I don't know what to make of:  Baltimore and Chicago.  Both looked great in week one wins; both got their asses handed to them in week two. 

-  One team I definitely know what to make of:  Detroit.  Potent on both sides of the ball.  It's early, I know, but they certainly look legit.  Can you imagine the Lions in the Super Bowl?  Holy shit!

-  Not only does Cam Newton look like a legitimate star, it appears he's rejuvenated Steve Smith's career.  Smith was flitting around the field like a lightning bug all game.  Yeah, he fumbled one, but this Carolina team is fun to watch.  Even Jonathan Stewart got into the act with 100 receiving yards. 

-  Despite the Steve Smith resurrection, Kenny Britt is far and away the best pick I made at the fantasy draft this year.  The dude has been on fire and looks fully recovered from his knee injury (or whatever it was).  Go Titans!

-  Game that told us nothing about either team:  Redskins 22  Cardinals 21

-  Should we be impressed with the Jets' defense this past weekend?  Or is Jacksonville that bad?

-  Despite the ass kicking given to them by the Ravens in week one, the Steelers could be 6 - 1 by the time they meet the Patriots.  Upcoming schedule:  Colts, Texans, Titans, Jaguars, Cardinals. 

-  While I'm not super impressed the Cowboys needed over time to beat the 49ers, I'm glad we can put away the questions regarding the toughness of Tony Romo.  I wouldn't have come to work to sit at my desk with a punctured lung and/or cracked rib.  He was throwing his team to victory.

-  While everyone is jumping on the Cam Newton bandwagon (myself included), the other rookie quarterback running Cincinnati quietly had a very good game in Denver.  332 yards, 2 TDs, zero INTs.  Yes, he lost.  Just like Carolina. 

-  Has there been a better fit than Darren Sproles joining the Saints this year?  It's like he was custom made to play with Brees and that system. 

-  Watching SportsCenter this morning, you would have thought Eli Manning was an MVP candidate.  I watched the first half of this game and he was nothing short of horrendous.  Under throwing nearly every pass.  Even his TD passes were way off the mark and were more a result of great receiving.  Why do commentators sugar coat what we can all see for ourselves?  They did it all the time with Brett Favre and now seem to be protecting Eli Manning from any harsh words.  Say it:  He sucked last night.  It's ok.  We all know it. 


Stat of the Week:  The Vikings have outscored their opponents by a combined 34 - 7 in the first half and lost both games.

Stat of the Week #2:  The NFC West is a combined 2 - 6 and been outscored by 51 points.  The AFC East is a combined 6 - 2 and has outscored opponents by 73 points. 


Today's distraction:  Intriguing twist regarding Full Tilt Poker that involves the terms 'Ponzi Scheme', 'Money Laundering' and 'Fraud'.  I'm a bit boggled of the mind at the amount of money being discussed, as well.  Online poker is really that big?

Monday, September 12, 2011

NFL Postmortem - Week 1

As always week one of the NFL provided more excitement, surprises and action than the first 150 games of any Padres game.  Even with the shadow of the tenth anniversary of 9/11 darkening everything. 

I would like to address a serious aspect of 9/11 that rarely gets mentioned, but something I noticed during all the rememberances:  Not one good song has resulted from this tragedy.  Not one!!  All of them are overly somber to get people to cry.  Even that stupid country song by somebody we haven't heard from since was terrible.  10 years and not one good song.

Off we go!

-  I picked up Steve Smith in the 11th round of my LTM draft on the off chance so called 'NFL Experts' were wrong about Cam Newton.   There's a chance he could be decent, I thought.  Decent?  He obliterated Peyton Manning's rookie record for most passing yards in his first game.  By 121 yards!  He threw for 2 TDs (both to Smith) and rushed for another.  The only people not impressed were D'Angelo Williams fantasy owners. 

Keep in mind this took place against an Arizona defense that is probably terrible.  Definitely worth considering. 

-  Smith's stats:  8 rec, 178 yards, 2 TDs....while sitting on my bench. 

-  Not that I should complain as I started Kenny Britt, Dez Bryant, and DeSean Jackson who all played well.  Guess you could say receiver is not my weak position this year. 

-  Lost amid the Cam Newton orgasmic Monday was Kevin Kolb's steady hand in leading the Cardinals to a week one win.

-  Wonder if we had the wrong Ohio team picked out as one of the worst teams in the league. Cleveland's offense looked terrible. 

-  Speaking of preseason thoughts, I was sure Baltimore was going to have a subpar year.  Their defense is aging, Flacco still hasn't proven himself and, frankly, I thought they over acheived last season.  After kicking Pittsburgh's ass yesterday, I now wonder if it's the Steelers I should have been viewing this way.  They looked a step slow all day. 

-  What was the bigger week one surprise?  Cincinatti beating Cleveland?  Baltimore beating Pitt?  My vote is for Buffalo not just beating KC, but crushing them.  The Ryan Fitzpatrick - Steve Johnson combo is as lethal as any other combo since midseason last year.  And now, my man Fred Jackson, is anchoring the running game nicely. 

-  Maybe Detroit's defense is just really good this year, but Blount rushing for 15 yards is alarming.  Of course when a team rushes 16 times (and 4 of those were Freeman scrambles) and passes 46 times, the game is not going your way.  Run more, Tampa.  You won't win many games with such an imbalanced attack. 

Want an example?  Look at the team that just beat you:  33 passes, 35 rushing attempts.  Well done, Detroit.  We may actually have an entertaining Thanksgiving game this year. 

-  Main reason Vick is the MVP of fantasy football:  187 yard passing, 2 TD, 98 yards rushing.  When one aspect of his game isn't working, he makes up for it in other ways. 

-  Perfect example of why nobody can never predict fantasy production:  Mike Tolbert.  9 receptions for 58 yards (6.4 per catch).  12 carries for 35 yards (2.9 per carry).  3 TDs.  Go figure. 

-  It certainly looks like Donovan McNabb was who we thought he was - a suck ass. 

-  I was shocked to see how well Rex Grossman (yeah, THAT Rex Grossman) was playing in the first half of the Redskins - Giants game.  Then he reverted back to taking 25 yard sacks (twice in a row) and fumbling the ball on a simple tackle.  He pulled it together for the win, but it was a reminder that this is still the Rex we remember from Chicago.  Sorry, DC fans. 

-  By the way, the Giants look terrible.  Not a good year for the Manning boys, so far.  Don't be surprised if Couglin gets the boot this year, as well.  When you need 1 yard for a first down in a tight game and you give the ball to 5'10, 214 pound Ahmad Bradshaw and not 6'4, 264 pound Brandon Jacobs (who was also averaging more yards per carry) you have rightly earned many doubters.  Not a big fan of Coughlin showing up his players after a bad call on his part, either.  When Bradshaw got stuffed, Coughlin made a big show of tossing his head gear and acting like the players messed up.  Team game, coach.  It was your call, it is you who prepare these guys.  When they fuck up, it's on you. 

-  What a collapse by Dallas last night.  Was so hoping the Jets would start 0 - 1.  Oh well.  Looks like Wade Phillips wasn't the issue in Dallas after all. 

-  Game that tells us nothing about either team:  Jacksonville 16 - Tennessee 14. 

-  Prediction #1:  Peyton Manning will not play this season.  They fucking fused vertebrae together.  FUSED!  Doesn't that involved an arc welder or something?  No way he plays.  Especially when they start off 0 - 4. 

-  Prediction #2:  Cam Newton will top the list of fantasy pickups this week. 

-  Do the Seahawks still consider Tavaris Jackson the answer?  If they do, maybe they're asking the wrong question. 

-  New Orleans at Green Bay:  What football was meant to be. 

Stat of the Week:  If you include Green Bay's ass whooping in the playoffs, Atlanta has been outscored 78 - 31 in it's past two games. 

Today's distraction:  Part five of learning something new everyday.  Love the Titanic factoid.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Fantasy Life

I just realized Monday will mark the return of my Postmortem NFL entries.  And I can't fucking wait.

I also realized I haven't bored everyone with my fantasy drafts.  My bad.  

I'm a member of two leagues.  One includes huge money so it's my League That Matters (LTM) while the other is just friendly comp.

Real quick, off we go.

LTM


I had a discussion with another member just before the draft where I argued Michael Vick should be the number one over all pick.  My point, even if he was three quarters as effective as he was last season, Vick has the potential to average 35 - 40 points a game.  And there is the very real possibility he could explode for 60 - 70 points any given week.

He wasn't sold and took Chris Johnson with the number two pick.

I had the number eight pick and took Vick.  While everyone muttered stuff about 'he won't be nearly as good this year' and 'Oh, I have my doubts about him', the guy I had talked to before hand looked at me across the table and said 'Shit, you were serious about him.'  Turns out he thought I was trying to talk him into drafting him way too early.  I will argue - barring injury of course - Vick will have more fantasy points than Chris Johnson by the end of the season.

We'll see.

My team for League That Matters.

QBs:

Vick

Josh Freeman (who is the perfect Vick backup and provoked another member two picks behind me to scream 'You MotherFUCKER!'.  Love then that happens.)

Colt McCoy, who could be my trade chip by Week 4

RBs:

LeGarrett Blount

Frank Gore

Fred Jackson (as you can see I went with dependable if unspectacular with the RBs)

Ryan Grant

Ryan Torain (because I have no faith in Tim Hightower)


WRs:

DeSean Jackson, who I love paired with Vick

Dez Bryant, who everyone stayed away from.  Something I don't know?  Got him in the 11th round.

Kenny Britt, my gamble who I am debating starting over Dez this week.  Thoughts?

Steve Smith (CAR), in case Cam Newton is actually good.

Emmanuel Sanders, who is my sleeper. Hines Ward can't play forever, right?

TEs:

Only took one:  Mercedes Lewis and, no, I'm not happy about it.

K:

Neil Rackers


DST:

Eagles.  When DeSean runs a punt back for a TD, I'll get double points!


My other team (which actually looks spectacular on paper):

QBs:  Josh Freeman, Colt McCoy

RBs:  Adrian Peterson, Jahvid Best (I know, right?), Jonathan Stewart

WRs:  Mike Wallace, Larry Fitzgerald, Danny Amendola, Sidney Rice

TEs:  Dallas Clark, Brent Celek

Ks:  Mason Crosby

DSTs:  Miami and San Diego.  Don't ask.  I signed off the draft too early so the computer autodrafted another defense in my absence.  Oh well.

Enjoy the weekend and NFL kick off!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Reigning Chaos

This morning was the first day of school for my boys. 
Which, of course, means it's a day of total chaos for me.  Let's do a quick time line. 

6 am:  Haul my aging, ugly ass out of bed ignoring the ever increasing aches and pains that now accompany every morning.  Seriously.  Fuck mornings.  And fuck aging, too.  Fuck everything. 

6:03 am:  Need caffeine.  Coffee is on (I get it already the night before so I can just flip a switch in the morning to get it brewing.  Work smarter, not harder, folks). 

6:15 - 6:30 am:  Eat breakfast while watching the miserable forecast (60s and rain all fucking day) and miserable traffic report from two smoking hot chicks.  Bad news is always easier to take when there are good looking women involved.  Companies need to hire smoking hot models to deliver layoff notices. 

6:30 am:  Wake up eldest son.  He's starting middle school this year and needs to be at school roughly four hours ahead of last year.  By four hours, I really mean 45 minutes.  Just feels like 4 hours. 

6:45 - 7 am:  Get eldest breakfast, make his lunch while he's eating, stop to watch SportsCenter's Top 10 Plays. 

7 - 7:15 am:  Say goodbye to Wifey who has the luxury of only getting herself ready every morning.  Make youngest son's lunch. 

Quick sidenote:  Youngest has decided he wants to make his own lunch from now on.  Two slices of bread and cheese.  Nothing else.  I pack this poor excuse for a sandwich in with healthier options.  Go diet!!

7:15 am:  Eldest is taking the bus this year since his new school is on the opposite side of town.  According to Wifey, the bus will pick him up at the bottom of our massive hill at 7:20 every morning.  She tells him to be out of the house by 7:15.  He heads out, I say goodbye and am quite impressed how easily he's taking it.  His last comment is 'Well, hope I don't die'.  That's the spirit!

7:16 am:  Time to wake up youngest, which is always a chore.  Imagine my surprise when he is already coming down the stairs!  I'm so excited I scoop him up and give him an airplane ride to the couch. 

7:17 - 7:20 am:  Chat with youngest regarding our game plan for our first day of school.  He wants to walk, but it's friggin' pouring out so we decide (read: I told him) that driving would be better since he has a lot of stuff to carry. 

7:21 - 7:24 am:  Exchange the following texts with eldest:

Him:  I missed the bus
Me:  Seriously?
Him:  Yes, nobody is here
Me:  Come back to the house.  I'll have to drive you.

7:25 am:  Tell youngest to get dressed.  'You're coming with us'.  To his credit, he runs and gets ready in record time. 

7:26 - 7:40 am:  Fight horrific traffic due to idiot drivers to get eldest to school.  Decide to jump on the highway on the way home since it would actually be quicker.  How does rain make people stupid?  Have we done a study on this?

7:40 - 8 am:  Get youngest breakfast, pack his bag, shower, tell youngest he can play quick video game after he brushes his teeth, brush my own teeth, dress, take call from Wifey who asks - in an unnecessarily accusatory manner, I might add - why eldest didn't take the bus.  When I tell her he missed it she tells me 'It's supposed to pick him up between 7:25 and 7:30!'.  I answer 'You told him 7:20 and there was nobody there when he walked down.'

'I only told him that so he wouldn't be late and miss it.'

Well done.  Well fucking done.  I did not say that not everyone is constantly running late like her even though I really REALLY wanted to. 

8 - 8:20 am:  Get car packed with approximately 430 different bags every first grader needs to bring in.  Paper towels, crayons, markers, pencils, tissues, notebooks, hand sanitizer, soap.  Name it, he had it in the bag.  Drive to school, get shitty space because the entire city is driving their kids to school today.

8:20 - 8:25 am:  He meets up with his buddy from kindergarten (who I can't stand because he's such a mama's boy and cried every day last year during drop off) and we walk in together. 

Two notes here:  1:  It is possible for an adult to despise a child.  2:  Normally the kids line up outside, but since monsoon season has arrived from the other side of the world they lined up inside to prevent drowning. 

8:26 - 8:35 am:  Complete and total chaos.  They let the parents come in with the kids because it's the first day so there is barely room to move. My son's buddy immediately starts crying.  My son sees him and he starts freaking out.  I get him calmed, tell him I have to go to work which starts him crying.  'I don't want to go to school!' to which I respond 'I don't want to go to work, either, but I don't cry about it until I'm alone.'  This gets a laugh from the cry baby's mother and my son lightens up a bit. 

A strategic problem arises when son tells me his bag of supplies is too heavy for him to carry.  I ask teacher if I can take them up to the class for him and she agrees.  Son says 'You're coming right back?'  I tell him yes and debate if running out the door would traumatize him too much.  I decide to go back. 

Fortunately, he's perfectly fine when I get back.  He's used to the commotion and seems to like his new teacher.  I tell him I'm leaving and he says 'Ok, see you tonight'.  Wait, who is this kid?

8:35 - 9 am:  No that's not a misprint.  It took me 25 minutes to get back to my house.  That would be approximately 1.2 miles from the school.  As I said many times during this commute, 'Are you fucking kidding me?'

9 - 9:45 am:  Commuted to work.

9:48 am:  Realized I never had coffee and left the coffee maker on.  If I'm lucky my house will be in ashes by the time I get back. 

Yay, school.