This morning was the first day of school for my boys.
Which, of course, means it's a day of total chaos for me. Let's do a quick time line.
6 am: Haul my aging, ugly ass out of bed ignoring the ever increasing aches and pains that now accompany every morning. Seriously. Fuck mornings. And fuck aging, too. Fuck everything.
6:03 am: Need caffeine. Coffee is on (I get it already the night before so I can just flip a switch in the morning to get it brewing. Work smarter, not harder, folks).
6:15 - 6:30 am: Eat breakfast while watching the miserable forecast (60s and rain all fucking day) and miserable traffic report from two smoking hot chicks. Bad news is always easier to take when there are good looking women involved. Companies need to hire smoking hot models to deliver layoff notices.
6:30 am: Wake up eldest son. He's starting middle school this year and needs to be at school roughly four hours ahead of last year. By four hours, I really mean 45 minutes. Just feels like 4 hours.
6:45 - 7 am: Get eldest breakfast, make his lunch while he's eating, stop to watch SportsCenter's Top 10 Plays.
7 - 7:15 am: Say goodbye to Wifey who has the luxury of only getting herself ready every morning. Make youngest son's lunch.
Quick sidenote: Youngest has decided he wants to make his own lunch from now on. Two slices of bread and cheese. Nothing else. I pack this poor excuse for a sandwich in with healthier options. Go diet!!
7:15 am: Eldest is taking the bus this year since his new school is on the opposite side of town. According to Wifey, the bus will pick him up at the bottom of our massive hill at 7:20 every morning. She tells him to be out of the house by 7:15. He heads out, I say goodbye and am quite impressed how easily he's taking it. His last comment is 'Well, hope I don't die'. That's the spirit!
7:16 am: Time to wake up youngest, which is always a chore. Imagine my surprise when he is already coming down the stairs! I'm so excited I scoop him up and give him an airplane ride to the couch.
7:17 - 7:20 am: Chat with youngest regarding our game plan for our first day of school. He wants to walk, but it's friggin' pouring out so we decide (read: I told him) that driving would be better since he has a lot of stuff to carry.
7:21 - 7:24 am: Exchange the following texts with eldest:
Him: I missed the bus
Him: Yes, nobody is here
Me: Come back to the house. I'll have to drive you.
7:25 am: Tell youngest to get dressed. 'You're coming with us'. To his credit, he runs and gets ready in record time.
7:26 - 7:40 am: Fight horrific traffic due to idiot drivers to get eldest to school. Decide to jump on the highway on the way home since it would actually be quicker. How does rain make people stupid? Have we done a study on this?
7:40 - 8 am: Get youngest breakfast, pack his bag, shower, tell youngest he can play quick video game after he brushes his teeth, brush my own teeth, dress, take call from Wifey who asks - in an unnecessarily accusatory manner, I might add - why eldest didn't take the bus. When I tell her he missed it she tells me 'It's supposed to pick him up between 7:25 and 7:30!'. I answer 'You told him 7:20 and there was nobody there when he walked down.'
'I only told him that so he wouldn't be late and miss it.'
Well done. Well fucking done. I did not say that not everyone is constantly running late like her even though I really REALLY wanted to.
8 - 8:20 am: Get car packed with approximately 430 different bags every first grader needs to bring in. Paper towels, crayons, markers, pencils, tissues, notebooks, hand sanitizer, soap. Name it, he had it in the bag. Drive to school, get shitty space because the entire city is driving their kids to school today.
8:20 - 8:25 am: He meets up with his buddy from kindergarten (who I can't stand because he's such a mama's boy and cried every day last year during drop off) and we walk in together.
Two notes here: 1: It is possible for an adult to despise a child. 2: Normally the kids line up outside, but since monsoon season has arrived from the other side of the world they lined up inside to prevent drowning.
8:26 - 8:35 am: Complete and total chaos. They let the parents come in with the kids because it's the first day so there is barely room to move. My son's buddy immediately starts crying. My son sees him and he starts freaking out. I get him calmed, tell him I have to go to work which starts him crying. 'I don't want to go to school!' to which I respond 'I don't want to go to work, either, but I don't cry about it until I'm alone.' This gets a laugh from the cry baby's mother and my son lightens up a bit.
A strategic problem arises when son tells me his bag of supplies is too heavy for him to carry. I ask teacher if I can take them up to the class for him and she agrees. Son says 'You're coming right back?' I tell him yes and debate if running out the door would traumatize him too much. I decide to go back.
Fortunately, he's perfectly fine when I get back. He's used to the commotion and seems to like his new teacher. I tell him I'm leaving and he says 'Ok, see you tonight'. Wait, who is this kid?
8:35 - 9 am: No that's not a misprint. It took me 25 minutes to get back to my house. That would be approximately 1.2 miles from the school. As I said many times during this commute, 'Are you fucking kidding me?'
9 - 9:45 am: Commuted to work.
9:48 am: Realized I never had coffee and left the coffee maker on. If I'm lucky my house will be in ashes by the time I get back.