Monday, November 26, 2012

Holiday Musings

Some random thoughts and stories to pass along while you digest leftovers.

-  Belated Happy Birthday to long time reader/co-owner of this space, DA, who I believe just turned 40.  Congrats on reaching such an important milestone! 

-  One of the changes an adult undergoes after having children is a new found appreciation for the holidays.  I used to ABHOR this time of year until son #1 turned two.  It's usually that age they display that special enthusiasm only kids can exude when it comes to shiny things, lights and trees inside a house.

It can be contagious. 

Sadly, eldest is now 12, doesn't believe in the red man any longer and has been warned he will be penalized with death (read losing his XBox) if he tells his little brother. 

-  While I know this makes me a terrible person, I could help but laugh out loud when I heard Ronald McDonald dropped dead during the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.  Perhaps it was how my friend told me: 'You hear a clown died during the parade?'

Or perhaps I'm just a dick. 

Perhaps both?

-  My fantasy team is falling apart.  I was in third place two weeks ago despite having lost DeMarco Murray, Ben Tate, Hakeem Nicks and Aaron Hernandez to injuries and Brandon Lloyd to the Patriots offense.  Since then, I've lost LeSean McCoy to a concussion then last night I lost Andre Brown to a fucking broken leg.  This is two years in a row my roster has been decimated by injuries.  Good thing I don't pay two hundred bucks to play in this league.  Oh, right...I do.

-  Let my oldest and his cousin watch 'Alien' with me over the weekend.  By the end both of them were on the edge of their seats with their hands near their eyes.  Nothing like traumatizing a new generation of kids with a classic. 

This is the first time I've watched it in over a decade and admit it stands up well considering it was made thirty years ago. 

-  I've decided it's the perfect time of year (not to mention time of my life) to start taking vitamins on a daily basis.  I went out and bought Men's One A Day since I'm a man and I only want to take one of them a day.  I'm logical like that.  Directions on the back of the bottle:  'Take two a day'. 

I'm going to guess women can take these, as well, since false advertising is a business plan with this group. 

-  Watched the new 'Fright Night' and couldn't have been more disappointed.  Taken alone I suppose it was ok, but compared to the original it doesn't even come close.  Kudos for getting Chris Sarandon to play an unsuspecting victim (like he had nothing better to do) and Colin Farrell has quickly become under rated after being over rated for years.  Between this and 'In Bruges' he's cruising lately.

-  Had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister in law's house which is always a highlight.  Her husband and I get along famously and he has a tendency to push my alcoholic tendencies (which completely explains why we get along now that I think about it).  He even had a shot of Bailey's waiting for me when I arrived.  I wanted to wait until after I ate, but he rationally explained that it wouldn't have as much of an effect on us if we waited until after we ate.

Solid point, my friend!!!

So we had a pre dinner shot, a post dinner shot (to aid with digestion, of course) and one more for the road.  Good thing Wifey was driving home although I did not feel the slightest bit tipsy even after those three shots and several beers. 

-  The Wednesday before we broke for the long weekend, my colleagues and I gathered in my office and discussed how we were spending the holiday.  One joked that we should be doing shots before we leave today.  Without hesitating and opened my bottom drawer and pulled out four nips of Jack Daniels. 

'Run down to the vending machine and get some Cokes and we're in business'

One of the guys looks at me in all seriousness and said 'You are a TERRIBLE influence'.

Amazingly, I have heard that exact phrase from four different coworkers over the past decade.

And they're all dead on!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Wishful Thinking

Below is the Christmas List my seven year old handed to me yesterday.  It's verbatim and all misspellings are his:


-  Nook

-  Bugati (put on the street)*

-  14 diamonds

-  15 gold**

-  pet spider

-  Mighty Eegle Angry Bird***

-  100 dollar card for ipod

Few notes:

*  In case you aren't a car fanatic, the Bugatti Veyron is the car he is referring to.  It cost just in the general area of two million dollars and can get up to speeds of nearly 300 miles per hour.  I found it considerate of him to let Santa put it on the street instead of struggling to get it into our living room.

**  I'm assuming this means he wants 15 gold PIECES.  He's been into the video game MineCraft lately and is obsessed with diamond and gold and obsidian and sapphires and anything else that can be pulled out of the ground. 

***  This Angry Bird he's talking about costs over 100 bucks and weighs more than I do.  The thing is massive.  Even if he did get it, there would be no safe place in his bedroom to store it. 

When I told him that not even Santa had unlimited resources, he looked at me as if I had five faces.  'Dad, he doesn't have to buy a Bugatti...he can just build me one.'

'What about the gold and diamonds?  He can't make those'

'He can just take them from the houses he visits before ours.  People are trying to get rid of their old jewelry all the time.  They can leave them out for him and he can give them to me.'

There you go, Santa.  You now need to resort to a life of crime in order to satisfy my kid.  Good luck!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Crush of the Month

Let's be clear, there needs to be a VERY good reason for me to dig this Crush of the Month thing out of the dusty, moth ridden, blog closet. 

And what better reason than this lovely lady.

Who?:  Actress/model/pretty sure she's a witch considering the spell she's cast over me, Lauren Cohan. 

Wait, maybe this will help:

Oh, yeah.  You see what I mean, right?  Of course, if you've been reading here for any length of time you would know that looks aren't everything.  I demand substance from my hotties.  Although, those eyes are beguiling, are they not?  Don't stare at them too long for I fear you will never look away. 

Really, who is this?:  It's Lauren Cohan, dammit!  Does she actually need an introduction?  Fine, she's been in the show 'SuperNatural' (It's SUPERNATURAL...duh duh duh dadadada duh duh dadadada - sorry, inside joke), 'Chuck' and...well....let's leave that for the next section....

What else?:  What really brought her to my attention was her turn as Maggie in 'The Walking Dead'.  One of the great aspects of this show (besides the blood, gore and general carnage) is watching characters develop over the run of the show.  Imagine my pleasure when the new hotties decides to get down and dirty with our sensitive, Asian hero on her second episode (or third, I forget). 

Morphing from horny, sheltered, preacher daughter to relentless zombie killer was sexy as hell.  Take the above, trim some hair, and add a machete (you know, to save on ammo). 

You can imagine how that picture winds up -  Gloriously. 

That all?:  No, it's not.  What spurred this entry....

Oh shit.  Wait.   SPOILER ALERT!!!!  For Walking Dead fans anyway...


What prompted me to add Lauren to this highly esteemed list of honorees was her character, Maggie's, direct impact on the death of one of the most annoying characters on the show.  I won't give away who, but if you watch this you know exactly what I mean.  She should have sliced her open long ago. 

Really, that's all?:  Well, no.  Cohan does look great in a bikini.

And?:  Has a killer smile and is one of the few women that can pull off orange:

Out with it!!:  Fine!  Despite all of the above there is one person who understands the complete reason behind adding Cohan to the list.  How weird is it that she was in 'SuperNatural'?

As infatuated as I am with this lovely lady, she doesn't come close to the who she makes me think of.  You know who you are and why this is posted.  You put this one to shame.

Although that dress is kick ass!

Congrats to Lauren Cohan for being BeachBum's Crush of the Month. 

And congrats to the other person for being my crush of a lifetime.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Election Fraud

Some election day thoughts for your consideration.

-  I came home from work two days ago to find my seven year old and his neighborhood friend sitting on their bikes in my driveway.  Both are excited to see me pull in. 

'Dad, I'm voting for Mitt Romney!'

'Really,' I ask, 'why is that?'

'I just like him more than Obama.  Obama has spent way too much money on wars and stuff'

'Well, that's a good point'

His friend pipes in: 'And we want Scott Brown to win'

'Uh huh'

'Yeah,' my son continues, 'Elizabeth Warren lied to people.'

'Where did you hear that?'

'It was on the radio'

'Listen, one harsh lesson you both need to learn: All politicians lie.  It's how they think they can get elected.'

They both stare at me.  I turn to go into the house.

'But, Dad!!!  Are you going to vote for Romney?'

'No, I'm not'


'Because I don't like either of our choices and politicians in general are making me angry.'


'You know what,' I interrupt, 'neither one of you can vote and I'm done having a political debate with two seven year olds.' And, with what little dignity I had left, I turned and walked away.

- That little conversation made me realize that political ads are geared towards people as impressionable and gullible as a seven year old.  Just remember that when our nation's leader is declared later tonight. 

-  I did vote today, but I couldn't vote for either Romney or Obama.  I almost voted for Romney, but that name just to the right (Ryan) scared me away.  Instead I wrote in Spongebob Squarepants.  Don't judge me.

Btw, I'm not joking. 

-  I did vote for Scott Brown, however, for the sole reason that he's got two hot daughters.

Well, that and he's one of the few Republicans standing up to the lunatic fringe and telling them that he's voting OLD SCHOOL Republican and not this new fundamentalist, christian conservative, Republican that is taking over the country. 

-  Do you think there's a part of Obama that doesn't want to win this election?  He's aged in dog years over the past 4 years.  He can't possibly be looking forward to another term.

-  Massachusetts has an assisted suicide question on the ballot this year.  'Do you support the right for a terminally ill patient to receive a prescription from a doctor so they can commit suicide in their own homes?'  I answered Yes to that and my wife is beside herself.  She voted No.  My response: 'Why do you care either way if someone wants to kill themselves?  You'd rather them die a prolonged and horrible death from cancer or ALS?'

Her response: 'I just don't agree with it'

Well then. 

-  Unsurprisingly, I voted to legalize marijuana.  Not just for medicinal use, either.  There was a non binding question to prompt our Senators to legalize and tax weed like we do alcohol.  Hell yeah.  Let's do it!!!  Our local drug dealer will be a small business owner over night!  I want this to happen just to witness him mulling over the tax forms.

-  If you didn't notice by the theme of this entry, I'm severely disillusioned by our candidates, our process, all of the debates that were staged in fantasy land since anyone could say whatever they wanted and not be called out on it, and the media for not providing any sort of insight into the candidates. 

To their credit, our Fox News station here in Boston attempted to have every candidate on during election coverage to give their views, but they always degenerated into a shouting match.

It didn't help that political ads have been bombarding our airwaves for the past three months in a non stop campaign to eliminate honesty and any resemblance of centrist logical thinking from the race.  Both Obama and Romney are trying to convince us that if we elect the other one America is going right into the toilet. 

I'm done.  Done with them all.  They can all go rot at the bottom of the Potomac when this election is over.  I'm glad today is election day for two reasons:

1:  No more fucking ads on television

2:  No more fucking ads on television making shit up

Wait....that was redundant since every ad makes shit up.  My apologies. 

What's sad is there are very few (I've seen exactly two) that have told us anything positive about the candidate running the ad.  The plan seems to be to get people to NOT vote for the other person instead of just running on ideas and platforms.  'Don't vote for him, he's CRAAAZZZZY.  Vote for me instead even though I have given you no clear definition about what I actually believe'.

Guess what?  Neither one of you are getting my vote.  Go screw.

I do realize this sounds cynical and bitter, but don't care.  Every inkling of hope that one candidate (just ONE) would rise above the bullshit and come out as honestly and straightforward as they can were dashed yet again. 

One final thought:  The big, untold secret of this Presidential race is that there is nearly no difference between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.  Other than their running mates, they agree on nearly every policy.  Want to know how I know this?  Because we had four years of Mitt as our Governor here in Massachusetts and a lot of what he's done (health care, taxes) is what Obama has done or has tried to do. 

Stepping off my bitter soapbox.  Go rock the vote. 

Or don't.  Won't matter either way. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Foiled Foliage

Over the past three years two twigs I barely paid any attention to have morphed into massive, view destroying trees that I keep hoping will get wiped out in a storm.  Every thunderstorm or half hearted hurricane or punk ass blizzard that rolls through gets my hopes up.

I've been denied every time.

Enter Sandy, which admittedly the Boston areas were mostly spared from.  Businesses were dismissed early and I spent a majority of Monday staring out the back window using my meek mental powers to persuade the two trees to take a dive. 

The trees aren't enormous and they have sprouted from the same trunk.  Since we live on ledge rock the roots probably only go down a few feet before spreading out.  They're also growing out of the side of a wall and have been leaning over the side yard of the house behind us for the past two years.  How they've held on this long is beyond me.

But this past week I felt the circumstances were perfect.  We had a light, soaking rain for nearly 36 hours before the fury of the wind even hit us. My thinking was if the ground was muddy the wind would have a better chance of pushing those two eye sores out of my life forever. 

For the record, I have nothing against trees in general, it's just that my back yard is surrounded by trees from our surrounding neighbors that have increasingly blocked sunshine.  This past summer was the worst with mushrooms actually growing during the longest dry period we had this past June. Mushrooms!  In summer.  When there was no rain.  That the trees aren't on our property means I can't even hire anyone to come take them down.  Even if I could, they are so difficult to get to I'm not sure anyone would agree to do it. 

So Monday was my day!!  I could feel it.  Two trees, not fully grown, leaning out from a wall, growing in shallow soil that was soaking for two days and the strongest wind we've had in years. 

As I stood by the back window with my fingers crossed, my seven year old jumps up on the couch to stare out the window the window with me.

'What are you looking at?'

'Those two trees are going down today.'

'How do you know that?'

'Because this storm is perfect for it to happen.'

'Well, that one is falling over,' he says, pointing to the right.

Sure enough a MASSIVE elm tree directly to the right of the two small ones falls way from our house.  Mud spews all over the yard, dying leaves go flying, twigs and breaking branches flip and fall out of sight.  My son and I look at each other and, at the same time, say 'Awesome!'

I ran out to make sure the house behind us wasn't hit and run into our neighbor who had the tree in his yard.  He says the same thing I was thinking 'We're going to have a lot more sun in our yards'.

So, while my two nemisis tress are still standing, we unexpectedly have way more skyline than we've had in over ten years.  Even this morning I could notice the difference. 

But I'll still try to force those other two trees over in my mind during the next storm.  It will happen!