Friday, October 18, 2013

Sock Talk

No, sorry.  Not the Red Sox again today.

This has to do with a phenomenon that's been taking my house by storm. 

Socks. 

In particular these new Nike Elite socks that everyone is going goofy over.  Let's get this out of the way first - they look ridiculous.  Knee highs that come in a variety of colors that seem to be an experiment in retina torture. 

Here is one version

 
 
That pair is one of the least offensive.  Check out these MoFos:

 
 
 
 And from the 'Good Lord, Look Away' collection:

 
 
 
Don't worry, though.  The boys wear these socks - hiked up as high as possible - while wearing shorts.  So they won't be hidden underneath long pants. Fuck, no.  That's unacceptable.

On the plus side they 'only' cost $14 a pair and certainly protect my sons' legs from potential skin cancer.  Although I'm betting radiation or lead paint poisoning is the trade off.  Also, I can spot them from miles away, so I won't ever lose track of them.  Well, unless they're in a crowd of other kids the same age in which case all I'll see is a blur of psychedelic colors that make me think I'm having an acid flashback. 

Again.

OK, I was a stupid kid, too, so I can deal with the colors and (hopefully) passing fad. 

What really chaps my ass about these socks is a tiny detail that you can barely see in those photos.  Look real close and you'll see an 'L' and 'R'.  They've labeled their socks so you know which foot they're supposed to go on. 

Nike has somehow tapped into the borderline obsessive compulsive section of society; people like my wife and two boys who are now insisting that socks should be worn on certain feet.  My pleas of 'They're socks.  There are no left or right feet options with socks!' are ignored. 

The purpose of this labeling (I finally pointed out to the boys) isn't support or comfort, it's so the Nike swoosh is always on the outside of the leg so everyone can see it.  Duh, people.  We can't afford to put our trademark on both sides, so we're going to tell you which foot to put them on. 

This makes laundry day so much more fun.  My philosophy is seeing two socks the same type and putting them together - thus making a PAIR of socks.  It's been working perfectly for generations. 

I still do this with the Elites, but OCD Wifey goes through them again to make sure the pairs have a left and right sock together.  Let's all re-read that sentence again.  Left and right socks.  What the holy fuck is happening?

As if these Elite socks aren't enough, Wifey came home with white socks for me last week.  They are basic Nikes and they are also labeled with L and R.  White socks.  Again, the purpose is to keep the logo on the outside of the leg. I'm wearing them on opposite feet and inside out today just to piss her off.

Our neighbors have kids about the same age as my boys and they showed up one day with Adidas' version of the Elites.  While just as eye scarring as the Nikes, at least they put their logo in front.  No left and right labels for this company.




I can only hope some executive in Adidas looked at their Nike counterparts and thought they had lost their collective minds. 

Nice to know there are some sane people left in this world. 

Enjoy the weekend, folks. 

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