Beachbum's Daily Diversions

Pros and Cons

2012-01-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

Now that I've got a few months at the new job under my belt, let's run down the pros and cons old school style.

I should point out that everything I do is old school now. Since...you know...I'm old.

Let's get to it.

Pro: Love the new job. Get to play with all sorts of new toys, have input in how the department should run and have full support of my boss. Boss man also buffers me from the political turmoil that is taking place between our area and the UK people (who are technically in charge, but less qualified to be so).

Con: Miss my buds from the old job. Not as much as I would have suspected, though, considering two of my (hot) friends had already left for California and two others for New York. Easier leaving when there is nothing much to stay for.

Sidenote: Fuck you, California and New York, for taking my friends away.

Pro: New team members and I get along great. We joke around, bounce ideas off each other, sit down for lunches. It helps the transition when you have a great training/support system.

Con: Lunch places are few and far between. I miss the Boston eateries like Al's, Sandwich Express (Poor Boy rocks!), Sue's Deli (Of Course!) not to mention all the pubs. Shit, I need to get back for a visit. I'm coming, JJ Foley's!!!!

Pro: The beer o'clock tradition continues here. I talked my new coworkers into joining me a few weeks ago at a pub in Andover center (called 'The Park Street Pub', which is a pub. On Park Street. I shit you not) for a few Stellas and yummy buffalo tenders. It wasn't Foley's, but it will do.

Years ago DA referred to me as a 'terrible influence' and I'm starting to think she's right.

Con: I've had to relearn how to deal with the idiotic (and borderline homicidal) drivers around Boston. Just this morning some asswipe in an expensive Infinity sedan cut me off twice because he was trying to find the quickest way through some heavy traffic by cutting and weaving across multiple lanes. When we finally get through most of it, he slows down. As I pass I look over to see an ancient Jewish rabbi talking away on his cell phone. About three miles after I pass the Rabbi, he comes zipping by me again doing 90.

Then there are the dolts who are swerving into other lanes because they're texting or trying to call someone while doing 75.

Or the Darwin Award candidates who slam their brakes on while trying to merge with highway traffic, nearly killing people in every direction in the process.

Or the ignorant schmucks that get in the fast lane then slow down to 50 and are bewildered why everyone is so upset with them.

Or the impatient assholes who ride so close behind you they may as well be carpooling with you. This ain't NASCAR, you stupid hillbilly. Back the fuck off!

Better stop there before I get carried away.

Pro: Not taking the train to work. This was surprising to me as I didn't realize how much I LOATHED taking public transportation until I stopped taking it. I get to ride in my warm car with nobody around to bother me. I come and go as I please with nobody dictating my schedule. No three foot Asian ladies shoving their way past me, no smelly homeless men lingering way too close, no selfish douchebags in expensive suits stealing seats from elderly and pregnant women, no endless train delays while I stand in the weather so cold it could kill you in 10 minutes, no sticky stains to walk through....I love my personal space is what I'm trying to say.

Con: Gas prices. Fuck gas companies.

Pro: No T passes. These two actually counteract each other so my monthly pay outs are relatively identical.

Pro: Commute time. I've shaved off at least 25 - 30 minutes each way. This morning I arrived at work in less than 15 minutes (while battling a crazy, rabbi driver). Taking the train would be 45 minutes on average. It's especially nice on Friday evenings when I'm home before 6. Can't wait for the summer.

Con: Not taking the train has cut down significantly on my reading time. Haven't read one page of the new Virgil Flowers book that keeps calling to me from my nightstand. It's tough to read while driving. Though not impossible according to some other drivers.

and finally

Pro/Con: Wasn't sure where to place this as it's got benefits and drawbacks. This new job has had NO TRAVEL involved. At least not yet. My boss keeps telling me there will be travel involved and there are a bunch of projects coming down the pike, so it should be in the cards at some point.

The thing is, I enjoyed the travel at my last job. Got to hang out in fun cities, try different beers and pubs, meet cool people.

But...

The stability is making home life much easier. Boys are happy to see more of me (even if Wifey may not be) and we're doing more as a family.

So there you go. Mostly positives, a few drawbacks, but all in all I'm much happier. Or, as wifey announced around all our friends last weekend 'You're much more fun to be around lately'. Um....thanks?

Today's distraction: The official Boston driving rules. The one that sums it all up: 'When in doubt, accelerate'.

Puberty Q & A

2012-01-13T15:07:00.000-05:00

I don't want to hear it. I'm fully aware of how little I've posted in the past few months, but life is busy and my lack of inspiration crippling. Plus I'm old, started a new job, have a new routine and barely have enough time to eat lunch. It's tough being important.

Or so I hear.

However, I have decided to simply pass along random thoughts as they occur rather than trying to make coherent, 4000 word entries. Not that anyone would accuse me of being coherent. Life is too short, but I also don't want to disappoint my loyal readers even if I find the terms 'disappoint' and 'loyal' amusing when referring to this space.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays. A few random stories for your consideration.

- My eleven year old (fuckin' A....11!!!) has been experiencing growing pains with his childhood friends. He's been clashing with a boy he basically grew up with and he's told me that they are no longer friends. It's tough explaining that you don't stay with friends forever. As you grow up, people change. Happens to all of us.

What makes it especially difficult with kids today are the easily accessible cell phones everyone owns. The friction started with this kid because he would text my son trying to provoke some sort of trouble. He accused him of flirting with his girlfriend (more on this in a second) and that someone told him that my son is 'always staring at her'.

I finally told him to just not respond. 'Don't reply, don't say anything negative to your other friends about him and don't provide him any more ammo to use against you.'. Wifey even got into it with the friend's mother and now THEY aren't talking to each other. Way to lead by example!

Son has learned the simple lesson of 'if you don't like being around someone, then don't be around them'. It's a remarkably simple tactic too few of us use. He's still in classes with the other boy, but they've come to some sort of truce.

- Onto the 'girlfriend' part.

The other day eleven year old asks 'Dad, how old were you when you had your first girlfriend?'

Not an easy question to answer. Not because I wanted to skirt the issue (pun intended), but because the term 'girlfriend' doesn't apply to a lot of my so called relationships. Do I start with the girl I lost my virginity to? Nope, we never even went on a date. Do I figure out if my neighbor's grand daughter would count because we fooled around in the field behind my other neighbor's house? And, yes, we were the same age. Get your mind out of the pedophilia gutter.

Should I pinpoint my first real relationship? That opens up another can of worms just by trying to define 'relationship' as I wasn't very committed (not just to our relationship but ANY relationship). Frankly, I didn't have a straight answer.

And how do you answer a question to which you don't have an answer? Why you turn it around on the asker, of course.

I ask 'Why are you asking? Is there a girl you like?'

He answers is a round about, sorta, kinda way. He's just wondering, he claims.

'Well, let's work this out. If you do ask a girl out what happens next? You can't actually take her anywhere. You have no money. So what would you do?'

'No, it would be like that. We would just...you know...well....it's complicated...'

Welcome the first lesson of women, my son (I do NOT say, but try hard to send him telepathically)

I say instead 'Well, let me make this easy for you: You are way too young to have a girlfriend. When you get to 8th grade or so we can discuss this again.'

'Well, how old were you?' he insists.

'I was in high school', which seems to satisfy him. To get him back I ask: 'So, if you don't take these girls out, what do you do? Do you kissy kissy behind the school?'

'No,' he answers nonchalantly, 'That stuff happens at the dances'.

Today's distraction: My required reading for the next few years. Can't wait until he's a least old enough to drive himself around.

2011 In Review - Movies

2011-12-29T08:34:00.000-05:00

To say 2011 was a sub par year for movies could be an understatement. One of the biggest commercial and critical hits is my most overrated of the year. Not that any movies were terrible, but most had a 'been there, done that' vibe I couldn't shake. Maybe I've watched too many movies. Or am too old. Or both.

Whatever the reason, my lack of passion for this year's crop should be evident. I should point out that I'm usually six months to a year behind people that actually...you know...go to the movies.

For better or worse, let's run down the year that was.

MOST REWATCHABLE

Inception: I'm hooked every time I stumble across this on HBO. Doesn't matter where it is, my thumb hovers over the channel button until I slowly put down the remote and get sucked into this bizarre and addictive universe for the 50th time.

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World: For completely different reasons as I catch new details every viewing. That and it's entertaining as hell. The bass duel between Scott and the vegan has more care and craft put into it than most entire movies.

Knight and Day: Not because there are several scenes that were filmed in my neighborhood (although it helps), but because I still crack up over Tom Cruise's depiction of a secret agent who has become so bored with the spectacular nature of his job that he lays out compliments while hanging on the hood of an out of control car or politely giving a message to a henchman before knocking him out. That he can't understand why Cameron Diaz is freaked out by gunfire and car chases makes this all the more entertaining.

FAVORITES

Piranha: Rarely have I fallen in love with a movie so totally and quickly as I did with this one. The opening scene (which I won't give away) had me laughing immediately. Funny, legitimately suspenseful and gory, and contains one of the more gruesome spring break parties you'll ever witness.

The Social Network: Despite all the accolades and buzz I was prepared for a let down. Not so. Just as great as everyone has been raving about.

127 Hours: How a movie about a dude stuck in a dark cave wound up more involving and exhilarating than 90% of the movies release this year is a testament to one of the best directors working today: Danny Boyle. 'Trainspotting', '28 Days Later', 'Slumdog Millionaire' and now '127 Hours'. Not a bad resume at all.

The Town: Ben Affleck proves 'Gone Baby Gone' was no fluke by directing and starring in one of the best heist movies of the year. A bit over dramatic with the girlfriend, but I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Winter's Bone: Cold, depressing, disturbing, yet oddly hopeful after a teenage girl goes looking for her missing father in order to save her younger siblings from eviction. One of those films that seems like a documentary nobody would allow to be made.

TrollHunter: Swedish movie that's a cross between 'Blair Witch' and the most demented children's show ever created. Team of journalists follow self proclaimed 'Troll Hunter' around the country side only to learn he's been telling the truth the entire time. The special effects are much better than you'd expect.

Easy A: Any other year, this wouldn't have made my list. I'm stretching this year, so I'll add it mainly because I'm in love with Emma Stone (but still won't see 'The Help') and she kills it here. Hated the ending, but enjoyed this for the most part.

BEST MOVIE I FINALLY WATCHED

City of God: Rented this through Netflix after the urging of several readers and was blown away. You will literally never see a more disturbing movie the rest of your lives. That it's based on real events makes this even more haunting.

MOST OVERRATED

Bridesmaids: Don't get me wrong; I laughed quite a few times at this movie, loved Kristen Wiig, John Hamm (who stole every scene), Melissa McCarthy, and all the actors. I just didn't think it was GREAT. If anything I was distracted that this was the same movie as 'I Love You, Man'. Replace Paul Rudd with Maya Rudolph, Jason Segal with Wiig, Rush with Wilson Philips, ad lib a few scenes and presto, new movie everyone loves.

OVERRATED RUNNER UP

Black Swan: Granted, any movie that has Mila Kunis going down on Natalie Portman is worth watching, but the 'descent into madness' angle we've seen a hundred times and the fake shocks with later realizations they were hallucinated wore thin. I did like the theme that all artistic genius has a touch of madness behind it, but I can't figure out why this garnered so much attention. Other than....you know...Mila Kunis going down on Natalie Portman.

BEST PERFORMANCE

Casey Affleck - The Killer Inside Me: Be warned, do not watch this movie if you can't handle some intensely brutal scenes (including one in which the love of my life - Jessica Alba - gets the living shit beat out of her). Affleck is supremely creepy as a sociopath who thinks he's smarter than everyone else (and just may be). The movie has flaws, but is held together by Affleck as a genial, aw shucks, cold blooded killer.

BEST USE OF MALE NUDITY

Hall Pass: The scene were Owen Wilson falls asleep in the hot tub. I will say no more, other than I'm glad the Farrelly Brothers can still bring their A game now and then.

BEST USE OF FEMALE NUDITY

The American: Which I liked because of it's bleak view of being a professional assassin. While many tend to glamorize it, this movie creates a lonely, bleak, paranoid world that is only broken by falling into the wrong kind of love...with a smoking hot girl who's naked a lot. Sounds like a perfect relationship to me.

MOVIE THAT WAS MUCH BETTER THAN EXPECTED

Predators: Frankly, any movie that begins with some dude free falling into a jungle is worth my time. That it didn't let up for over 90 minutes is why I'm mentioning it. Some serious dysfunction between the characters makes this more demented and entertaining than I could have ever hoped.

MOVE THAT WAS MUCH WORSE THAN EXPECTED

Dinner for Schmucks: No, it wasn't terrible, but when you have Paul Rudd and Steve Carell together again I was expecting a classic. Some amusing moments, but wanted so much more.

Think that's it for this year. Everyone enjoy their New Year's!

2011 In Review - Music

2011-12-08T12:37:00.000-05:00

I realize music is very personal. What I enjoy may not be what you would ever listen to in a million years (unless you're Kos). Therefore I would never dare title my musical entries 'The Best of 2011'. I'm nowhere near educated enough to declare anything better than anything else.

I merely present to you - dear readers - what I've enjoyed the most over the past twelve months. I ask only that you listen to the examples I post (and, please, listen to the entire song and give it a chance) and make up your own minds.

Three quick hits before we get this going:

1: You'll notice quite a few hard core entries this year. My musical tastes tend to reflect my moods and I was not in a good mood due to work related reasons. I'm better now, but my anger is represented strongly.

2: I know I'll forget something. Happens every year and I don't expect this year to be any different.

3: 2011 was a great year for music. Prepare for lots to sift through.

Off we go!

MOST ENTERTAINING

Beastie Boys -Hot Sauce Committee Part II: The Brooklyn trio return with more funk, hilarious name dropping (John Salley and Tippy Hedren in the same song?), and musical inventiveness than any other 10 albums combined. Easily my most addictive album of the year.

Check out: Really, you can pick any song from this and be happily bouncing along in seconds. Here's 'B-Boys in the Cut' for one. Or how about 'Lee Majors Come Again' which demands to be played loud. Hell, here is 'A Little Something For Ya'. You're welcome.

OTHER FAVORITES

Mastodon - The Hunter: Still trying to smash the prism through which heavy metal should be viewed and, most importantly, heard. These guys are ferocious, yet intelligent and thoughtful in how their songs are constructed. It should say a lot that this isn't their best album but is still head and shoulders above what everyone else in their field is even attempting.

Check out: Even you non metal heads, please listen to 'Dry Bone Valley'. Just once. If I can convert just one of you, my mission will be accomplished.

MuteMath - Odd Soul: This album is all over the place in the best way possible. A soulful rock album whose best moments are the seemingly random instrumental breakouts midway through some songs. Even the lyrics are weirdly abstract yet personal enough that it makes you wonder if they came from one of the band member's dreams.

Check out: 'Walking Paranoia'. Jesus is coming back...gonna catch me...at the porno rack...

Talons - Hollow Realm: According to my iPod, I've listened to this album more than any other over the past six months. And I have no argument whatsoever. A creative, hard core, completely instrumental album that I simply can't get enough of. Besides, who am I to disagree with a piece of computer electronics?

Check out: 'In The Shadow Of Our Stilted Homes' for some of the best guitar work you'll hear this year.

Crooked Fingers - Breaks in the Armor: I’m 90% positive Eric Bachman (former Archers of Loaf leader who will make this list, too, believe it or not) could grab three people off the street and crank out a great album. Proof that the 'singer songwriter' label doesn't mean things have to be dull.

Check out: A live version of one my favorite songs of the year 'Bad Blood'.

Bayside - Killing Time: I've always enjoyed this NJ band, but I never fully committed because I got the impression they were trying to be something they weren't. Namely another emo-pop punk band with darker lyrics. I even debated wasting a buck on their new one until I heard the opening song. Rock on!

Check out: Allow this song to do the talking for me. Apologies if you need to skip an ad.

Hard-Fi - Killer Sounds: Dance rock at its most addictive. Think I listened to this album straight through six times in a row when I first got it. Even Wifey enjoys it - which sort of alarms me.

Check out: 'Stop' which epitomizes the Hard Fi sound - catchy music combined with amusing, self loathing lyrics. I really enjoy these guys! For the hell of it, here is 'Bring It On'. Get your grooves on!

Imelda May - Mayhem: Foot stomping, jazz - rockabilly fusion that somehow invokes old school while being completely fresh and lively. While Adele deservedly gets a lot of attention, I wish May would get her reward. Instead she'll have to settle for being mentioned in my yearly review that (maybe) 10 people read.

Check out:  Live version of 'Mayhem'. If you like this song, pick up the entire album.

TV On The Radio - Nine Types of Light: Bittersweet that the last release before TV's bass player died of lung cancer is also their strongest, most consistent, most enjoyable and best so far.

Check out: A strange, dance video for a song about abusing drugs.

NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART

MachineHead - Unto The Locust: Since we're into my hard core phase, allow me to scare the shit out of people. Old school throwback metal with machine gun drums, guitar solos and pulse pounding bass. I cranked this from work to home and my entire car was vibrating. Bonus points for covering two of my old favorite bands - Judas Priest (The Sentinel) and Rush (Witch Hunt) and doing them justice.

Check out (if you dare): 'Be Still And Know'. The cover art on this album is - as my boys would say - SICK! That means good.

Wolves in the Throne Room - Celestial Lineage: An epic mix of death metal and opera like atmosphere.  Creepy and exhilarating.

Check out (if you dare): 'Astral Blood'. I'm fully aware this proves I have some underlying issue I have yet to address.

Cave In - White Silence: Uncompromising (as usual), eclectic and completely original. These guys truly make music for themselves and really don't care who they please and who they alienate.

Check out: Here is live version of 'Centered'. Here is 'Heartbreaks, EarthQuakes'. And, yes, these are both off the same album. Now you get the idea.

Russian Circles - Empros: Six epic, hard core songs that express more musically than most bands do with words.

Check out: One of the milder songs, Mladek. Note how even this one turns dark about 2 minutes in.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Arctic Monkeys - Suck It And See: The Monkeys take a step back in their warped time machine and do some old school, classic rock anthems while maintaining their trademark, quirky lyricism.

Check out: A live version of 'That's Where You're Wrong' that sounds fantastic. I now want to see them live.

George Thorogood and the Destroyers - 2120 South Michigan Ave: Thorogood sounds reinvigorated while covering a bunch of Chess Record tracks (hence the address of the title). Guess he wants to show how the old school operates.

Check out: A live version of Chuck Berry's 'Let It Rock'. Man still has it.

Bombay Bicycle Club - A Different Kind of Fix: Straight ahead, sensitive, school boy, pop which is totally not my bag. Yet, I find this blissfully distracting.

Check out: 'Take The Right One'

Elbow - Build A Rocket Boys: Like Mastodon, this isn't their best stuff (for my money 'The Seldom Seen Kid' is going to be tough to beat) and - like Mastodon - their lesser stuff is still better than most other bands on their best days. Bet you didn't think I could compare Elbow to Mastodon, did you?

Check out: A real live version of 'Lippy Kids'. I love how the lead singer always looks like he just rolled out of bed.

The Generators - Last of the Pariahs: Punk rockers return with a ferocious bunch of new songs that provide the argument they should have never gone away.

Check out: The video for 'You Against You'.

Talkdemonic - Ruins: In the past ten years, I've probably bought one or two completely instrumental albums. This year I have three that I love. Ironically, a band named Talkdemonic is the gentlest and most atmospheric of them all.

Check out: Their video for 'City Sleep'. Give this one a few minutes before making up your mind.  On a side note, is it me or are all female violin players hot?

Thursday - No Devolucion: I've always been a bit frustrated with Thursday and their lack of commitment. While Cave In use variety to define their sound (and somehow always sound like Cave In while doing so), Thursday seems to just go with what's trendy. While that continues here (esp on the electronic laced 'Magnets Caught In A Metal Heart), the intelligent songwriting and the use of different genres blends into their heavy sound rather than detract from it.

Check out: 'Past and Future Ruins' which sums up the glorious schizophrenic nature of this album.

The Wonder Years - Suburbia I've Given You All And Now I'm Nothing:  Nothing extraordinary here, just good old fashioned pop punk at it's finest. Crank and sing along!

Check out: 'And Now I'm Nothing'. Enjoy.

BEST RE-RELEASE

Archers of Loaf - Ickey Mettle: If you want to check out my personal musical evolution, you can start with Iron Maiden, AC/DC, Rush and Judas Priest then stumble across Arches of Loaf who open your eyes for all sorts of alternative possibilities. Holds up shockingly well after 20 something years.

THE WORST

The Kooks - Junk Of The Heart: A band I thought had no boundaries takes another misstep. They've gone from a fun, freewheeling band to one that would have a hard time making the cut on a 'Very Special Grey's Anatomy'.

Lady Gaga: I don't even care about her music (although 'Born This Way' sounds an awful lot like Madonna's 'Respect Yourself'), I just want her to stop showing up like a performance art exhibit or Al Pacino. I'm no psychological expert, but when a person goes to any length to be anyone but herself, I think help is required.

OK, need to stop and do some actual work. Hope you find something you enjoy.

2011 In Review: Television

2011-12-05T13:41:00.001-05:00

That's right, ladies and gents! It's that time of year again. The time we run down the good, bad, and worst of the year that was. So let's stop dilly dallying (I hate when we do that) and get right to it.

I've been operating under the theory that this past year has seen more quality television than it had movies. Quick, I asked Wifey and now you, name me one GREAT movie you've seen this past year. Anything spring to mind? I'm normally a year behind so 'Inception' pops up. Possibly 'Scott Pilgrim' if I give it enough thought. But other than that? I can't think of one 'WOW' movie I've seen recently.

But television? Now we're talking.

BEST OF THE BEST

Modern Family: I've spewed on enough about this show that I'll keep things brief. I was worried that success would go to this shows head, but, if anything, it's better than ever. So consistently funny that we take for granted how memorable and relatable the characters are. Top notch work by everyone involved for three years running.

The Good Wife: Still as intelligent, absorbing and thought provoking as ever. Getting Eli to 'work with the team', Will and Alicia's complicated fling, the work/family stress, the Alicia/Kalinda mess (which just got messier than ever after last night's episode), Cary and his new girlfriend (who Kalinda is attempting to seduce), Peter investigating Will without trying to seem biased...I really could go on, but if you're not watching already there's nothing I can say that will sway you. Just know you're missing one of the best shows of recent memory. Human, heartfelt, often hilarious, and - like life - complicated and messy.

Suburgatory: A cynical, sarcastic, hilarious look at the lily white suburbs from the point of view of an inner city teenage girl. Every character is quirky and slightly deranged and it affects everyone and everything in town. Up to and including the PTA. The Halloween episode is my favorite.

Boardwalk Empire: After sauntering out of the gate in it's first few episodes, this show has steadily picked up momentum while fleshing out every character we meet. If I had to pick one show at gunpoint as my single favorite, this might be it. Might be...

The Walking Dead: Some spoiler alerts here, just in case.

I freely admit to having a dark side, having my doubts about the existence of any holy creator or overseer, and am a bit fed up with television and movies sugar coating the workings of the real world. Bad things to happen to good people every day. It's a fact and refusing to admit such is ignoring reality. I don't wish it so, but it's true.

Enter this season of the Walking Dead, which not only has it's main character (and the viewer's emotional connection) openly question the existence of God (in a church no less), but who's challenge for a divine sign from above is answered with his own son being shot in the woods. If that's not a spiritual 'fuck you', I don't know what is.

Keep in mind this is the same show that has done the following: Had the main character's best friend and his wife get it on while they thought he was dead, resulting in a (now unwanted) pregnancy; have a character watch her sister die, then come back as a zombie only to have to shoot her in the head; have another character fall into a ravine, awaken with a zombie gnawing on his boot and an arrow through his torso only to get shot by his own crew after he staggered back to camp; have a now missing character saw off his own hand because he lost keys to the handcuffs that chained him to a pipe; and recently have a little girl go missing for weeks after our hero misdirects her back to the highway.

But even I wasn't prepared for the climax of the search for the little girl that ends with her as a zombie trapped in a barn and being shot in the head by the best friend who is now if full psycho mode. This show isn't just dark, it's pitch black and it is leaving viewers with little to no hope. Forget sticking together, this group may not even survive.

And, yes, I fucking love this show. Would you expect anything less?

Boss: Kelsey Grammar stars as the corrupt (and terminally ill) mayor of Chicago. Another example of television now drawing in quality talent from movies. Martin Scorcese is involved with Boardwalk Empire and Gus Van Sant directs a few episodes of this shockingly well made show on Starz. Grammar is eye opening as the vicious and cold hearted mayor who thinks he's above it all. I love the (possible?) hallucinations caused by his disease.

The opening scene from the series contains the best acting I've seen on TV all year: Grammar listening to a doctor give his diagnosis while the camera lingers, uninterrupted, on his face while he attempts to process. Just fantastic. I did have a hard time buying into the extremes other people would go in order to please him, but it's not a deal breaker. He's just a mayor. Not even the President would get that kind of reverence.

ESPN'S Documentary Series: This used to be the '30 for 30' series, but they don't use that title any more for some reason. Regardless, these are some of the most absorbing shows you'll ever see. My favorites being the ones on Steve Bartman (who comes off as the only rational, considerate, intelligent person in the entire debacle), real life Rocky, and Chris Herren (because I remember him from his high school days).

BEST OF THE REST

New Girl: Surprisingly funny is all I can say. Not a huge fan of Zooey, but she gives enough freedom to her co-actors that the guys she lives with wind up stealing every episode. Oddly, a show about a girl is one of the few that honestly portrays male friendships: Rude, insulting, argumentative all solved with a simple 'You want to come with us?'

Up All Night: Amusing sitcom about new parents. Many laugh out loud moments (often throw away lines, at that) and someone has finally put Will Arnett to good, 'Post Arrested Development' use.

Community: Not as good as it has been, but some stellar episodes (The multiple time lines, the 'Heart of Darkness' spoof) keeps me coming back.

Parks and Recreation: I finally got hooked on this show two seasons ago and have not been disappointed. At this stage, it's better than 'The Office' (see below).

House: While not in it's prime, it's still better than most of the crap out there. I'm thiiiss close to being done. Although I've been thiiisss close for three seasons now. Guess as long as Hugh Laurie is on board, so am I.

GUILTY PLEASURE

Revenge: I'm not proud I watch this, but it's been entertaining and addictive enough that I keep coming back. Plus the lead chick is hot and you root enough against the bad guys that there is satisfaction in their come uppance. Been slowing down a bit, which I don't like. No revenge has been taken in three episodes now. Let's get to it.

DISAPPOINTMENTS

The Office: It's not terrible (yet), but Steve Carrell leaving should have put everyone on notice. I'm hoping this is simply growing pains and they figure it out, but it's not looking good.

Bones: Unlike 'House' I am done with this show. Babies being born everywhere, personal crisis neatly resolved every week, Bones and Booth now romantically involved. Pick a 'jump the shark' reference and this show has had it over the past season and a half.

The Big Bang Theory: After some friendly urgings, I gave this show a shot. I laughed once while that 'audience' laughed hysterically at every 'joke'. Don't get it.

WORST

Terra Nova: Not only does the premise make no sense, but they can't even pull off the action scenes properly. All the characters are one note and the family we're supposed to care about is annoying and pouty. I wanted to punch the son in the face after 15 minutes and that urge hasn't abated. Made it through two and a half hours before bailing.

Whitney: I'm convinced the only reason this show was created was because Whitney Cummings is hot in an anorexic, plastic surgery addicted kind of way. I've never seen her stand up nor any of her comedy, but if this show is any indication, I wouldn't laugh once. Far and away the worst show I've seen all year.

Two Broke Girls: WTF, CBS??

Music entry coming soon.

Belated Wishes

2011-11-28T18:04:00.000-05:00

It occured to me with alarm this morning that I never wished one of my favorite people a raucous 'Happy Birthday!'.

Then I realized there was no appropriate way for me to send her that message with Wifey on round the clock monitoring of all things electronic. Enter the blogosphere. What better way to wish DA a belated Happy Birthday then the one place designed specifically for her to waste time.

Happy Birthday!!! What are you, 35 now? 37? I'm sure you still look fantastic however old you are.

And while we're on the topic, here are some other belated wishes.

For my old co-workers: the ability to survive the changing tide. Word from old friends is things are getting very ugly there.

For my fantasy team: A good doctor to get you back to 100% next season. Since starting 3 - 0, I've lost Kenny Britt, Mike Vick, and now, devestatingly, Fred Jackson. I'm heading towards 4 - 8 after this week. What a disaster.

For the Patriots: That this new found defense isn't simply an illusion but the sign of great things to come. I have my doubts considering Vince Young just threw for 400 yards against you.

For the NBA: The realization that you really shouldn't start your season until Christmas anyway. Nobody pays attention until then regardless. Cut your games down to 70, compress the playoffs (always loved the best of five first round) and be done before July 4th.

For Kos: Two albums to check out (although I'll bet you already have) - Machine Head's "Unto The Locusts" and Wolves in the Throne Room's "Celestial Lineage". Not sure how you feel about Thursday, but their new one, "No Devolucion" is fantastic.

For Bigs: Another drunken, post coital blog entry from some pretty girl's apartment. Still one of my favorites. Oh, and a private office so he can avoid the fat, wheezy woman at work. Least I could do since the first part was more for my benefit.

For Jum: Success at the new job and the chance to watch the JayHawks celebrate in March. Right...from..your...desk. Actually, that sounds fun. The best view I had was the 'Occupy Boston' tent city and hoping for a police induced riot. Alas.

For Rob: Continued success at whatever it is you do for a living and that you son stays as addictively entertaining as he seems to be now. Whenever I need a laugh I go back and watch that video you posted. Cracks me up every time.

For C: The ability to get back to Boston so we can booze it up properly. Doesn't seem like a ton of travel with this new gig, so I should be around.

For 10 (assuming he still reads here): That his new family is still healthy and happy. Perhaps there is a new addition since last we spoke?

For the Red Sox: The ability to make a fucking decision about anything.

For Kevin Garnett: A surprisingly short NBA season so you can make one last run on rested legs...wait a second...

For my new coworkers: The revelation that, yes, I am like this all the time. Suckers!

For my replacement at my old company (who I just heard looks like Jon Lovitz): A sense of humor to protect you from the lunacy you just inherited.

For the rest of you, just keep up the good work. Or start doing good work if you've been slacking.

Unacceptable

2011-11-16T18:01:00.001-05:00

Red Sox fans have been through the wringer the past few months. Yeah, I know. Boo fucking hoo.

None of it was really bothering me much. Not even the September collapse. It was obvious this team was not going to go far even if they made the playoffs and swore off beer.

Judging from the stories, it certainly seemed like Francona had to go.

Theo leaving has been inevitable since 2005 when he walked out in a hissy fit over control of the team. Let's be honest, his recent moves won't be included in his career retrospective. Still, we wish him well and he'll always be viewed as the local boy who ended the World Series drought and made the Sox a juggernaut.

Big Papi is entering his twilight years and it really won't matter if he resigns with the Sox.

Papelbon has been a thorn in my side for the past three years. Spectacular at times, but I never felt totally comfortable when he entered the game with a one run lead. Plus Sox fans won't be subjected to his four minute routine for every pitch. Man, that drove me nuts.

I suspect the John Lackey's Tommy John 'surgery' is code for 'get the fuck away from this city for a year and hopefully they'll forget what a complete tool you are'. Wonder if the Red Sox are hoping Lackey becomes a full fledged alcoholic and puts on 130 pounds so they can void his contract. Or they'll wait until he 'rehabs' (which, for Lackey, offers so many meanings) from the surgery, leak stories about how great he looks and trade him. One way or another we won't see Lackey in a Red Sox uniform again. That's what I'm trying to say.

And, still I was ok with all of it. Or, at least, not heavily emotionally invested. I had other shit going on, after all.

But this!!!???

This is going too far!! Why, Heidi?? WHHYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!

And to be the Lakers' sideline reporter, no less?? Farewell, Heidi. Thanks for the info and the view.

How are they going to replace that?

Fuckin' Sox!

Lovin' Life

2011-11-09T18:07:00.000-05:00

There are times when fuck ups are rewarded.

Since January I've been toiling away for a company that did not have my best interests at heart. As many of you know, this can take a serious toll on your mental well being. I certainly had checked out and stopped caring as far back as March (I'm sure there is a ranting entry in my past that will get into the gory details and the exact date of when I mentally walked out on my last job).

The logical step would be to start looking for a new job, but in a recession that isn't always a great option. I had many interviews that went well, some that I knew I had no interest in after the first 10 minutes, and some I'm sure my wise ass personality leaked out and rubbed people the wrong way. Happens all the time.

I had a few offers, but it was lower pay for jobs I didn't feel great about. There were two jobs I really wanted, but they fell through for whatever reason (I still don't know why since they never returned my calls or emails. Bastards!).

Then I made a mistake.

I found out today talking to my new boss that he was going to create my position an 'entry level' slot, but saw my resume and decided having someone with more experience would be a much better idea. Thus he called me in, I met him and my coworker, hit it off and the rest is history.

The thing is I didn't even notice the phrase 'Entry Level' in the job posting. I saw the requirements, the location and thought 'Hey, that looks good'. Whoops!

Best screw up I ever made. So far (and granted, it's only day three), this has been the best job I've had. I've already learned more in three days here than I have all last year. The guys are funny, laid back and just told me that their 'Team Cohesion' exercises involve strip clubs, cabs, and hung over team meetings the next day.

Yeah, I'm gonna fit right in here. Wait until I introduce Beer O'Clock to this crew.

Try to post more often, but I'm already balls to the wall here and the future looks more intense. Carry on!

End Of An Era

2011-10-21T14:30:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts the last few weeks, but I've had many balls in the air. That would include my own.

See, I've had this expensive, Churchill sized cigar sitting on my bookcase since August. The idea was to spark it up the day I gave notice at my ungrateful, inconsiderate, backstabbing company.

Tonight I'm lighting that motherfucker up and smoking every inch of it to ash.

That's right, folks. I just quit. Bagged myself a prime job that keeps my pay at the same rate, maintains my three weeks of vacation and gets me out of the city. My commute time is now 15 minutes! More importantly I don't have to take the train to work everyday (which becomes a major hassle in the winter).

Barring any set backs in the background check and/or drug screen (always a possibility when dealing with me) I'll be starting on November 7th.

While I'm super relieved to get out of here before the outsourcing Armageddon (Jan 1st), I'd be lying if I won't miss all the friends I've made here. A quick list of all the buds I still chat with:

Z - co-creator of the spontaneous liquid lunches.

DA - one of my favorite people ever and the person directly responsible for this blog even existing.

ML and BH - two more favorites who are such close friends they belong together on this list.

AR - My crowning 'Beer O'Clock' achievement. Arrived an alcohol virgin and left with a full blown appreciation (some would refer to it as a 'problem') of beer.

MF - who brought sarcasm to levels I never thought possible. She's nearly made it an art form.

RS - Golden Tee partner in crime who loses his shit by any new politically correct term or by anyone calling a Christmas Tree a Holiday Tree. Also invented the international hand gesture for 'over the edge'. (This was a total inside joke for DA, btw)

SS - The game master who has a putting green, Nerf basketball and football obstacle course around his office. Also played the best practical joke I ever witnessed: His boss just comes back from getting laser eye surgery and he hands him a report with a straight face. 'I know you just got back, but could you look this over when you get a chance?'. The report has been written in teeny tiny, italicized font with shadow background. Boss' response: 'You fucking asshole!'

AL - who is as obsessed with lunch as I am.

CS - who appreciates historical fiction as much as I do.

Sadly, most of these people have already left me which is why I'm not terribly upset at moving on.

Still, it's been a fun ride. I'll hopefully keep posting on a more regular basis once the new gig settles down.

Enjoy the weekend. If you hear of a fire in the Boston area, that might just be me smoking the celebratory cigar.

NFL Postmortem - Week 5

2011-10-12T11:15:00.001-04:00

Since I missed last week, let’s sprinkle in other random thoughts throughout. Need to keep you guys on your toes.

This week’s alternate working title can be “What we’ve learned so far”. Week 5 is usually a fair barometer of which teams have glaring weaknesses.

Off we go.

- I have two words to explain the Eagles woes this season: Andy and Reid. There is talent on both sides of the field on that team, Vick seems to be dynamic as ever (he can’t be blamed for three of those four INTs) and with McCoy they have one of the best running backs in the game. What is killing them is lack of focus and execution and those two factors are a direct result of the coaching.

We just learned in Boston that it doesn’t matter how great a manager or coach you have; eventually the players lose the ability to listen. It happened with Bill Fitch with the Celtics; just happened with Francona (more on this in a bit); KC Jones, Phil Jackson, Larry Brown…hell you name a great coach and they’ll admit they’ve lost a team’s ear at some point in their career. Bill Parcells knew this better than anyone which is why he would search for a new job after 4 or 5 years with a certain team.

They could turn it around, but it certainly seems like Reid has lost this Eagles team.

- Started Josh Freeman in my League That Doesn’t Matter and he netted me a whopping three (as in 3) points. WTF??

- Is San Fran really that good? They look it, but I keep thinking ‘They have Alex Smith as their quarterback’.

- The Jets have some serious problems, as well. Sanchez looks terrible, Tomlinson is barely being used, Greene is going to be bruised, battered and beaten before week 8, and their defense doesn’t look nearly as good as it has the last two seasons. And, no, I couldn’t be happier.

- Let’s not get all excited about Kansas City’s comeback against the Colts or Battle’s killer day. The Chiefs are still a mess and Indy’s defense is one of the worst in the league.

That said, I picked up Battle on waivers….just…in….case…..

- Chores completed around the house this weekend: Four windows fixed and painted, entire first floor cleaned to perfection, lawn mowed (for the last time this year, hopefully), garage cleaned and organized. In short, I rock.

- Three quick movie reviews

TrollHunter: Entertaining Swedish movie about a group of college students stumbling onto the one Troll Hunter employed by the government. Takes a Blair Witch treatment claiming that the footage was found, but is much more than a low budget, cheapo knock off. Some very funny moments (including the hunter’s armored getup and attempts to lure a troll onto a bridge) and better special effects than I was expecting.

Them: No, this isn’t the classic horror movie about giant ants. This is a French movie about a couple terrorized in their country home by unseen forces. I have to be careful here, because I can’t give away too much. This starts off as a typical horror movie and has some effective and truly frightening moments. What’s interesting is what is actually going on is more disturbing than any super natural or inexplicable events could ever be. I will say no more although I did have many questions when it was over.

Both of the movies above are available on Netflix streaming, if you have any interest.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: A typical Michael Bay mishmash of explosions and jumbled story lines, but it’s better than the last piece of shit Transformers movie. Although the Sam character comes off as an arrogant, spoiled brat much of the time and I was amazed that it seems like the Autobots let thousands and thousands of people get slaughtered simply to prove a point.

- Can we declare the Kevin Kolb era over in Arizona already?

- Question for Vikings fans: Do you want Adrian Peterson carrying the ball 30 times a game this season? Your team is 1 – 4, in the same division as the only undefeated teams left in the NFL, and have Donovan McNabb as your starting quarterback. Do you want to put that wear and tear on your one true star player when the season is – for all intents and purposes – lost?

- Eli Manning continues his Jekyll and Hyde routine. Three TDs, three INTs, many ugly throws. How does someone with his ability and genes continue to make the same stupid mistakes? Hell, if it weren’t for some acrobatic catches by his receivers his stats wouldn’t even be that good.

- Is it wrong that I’m tempted to trade for Chris Johnson this week? Just get the feeling he’s going to rip off a spectacular run of touchdowns and hundred yard games within the coming weeks. What do you think it would take? Dez Bryant? Steve Smith? Nah, keeping Smith. I might dangle Bryant to see what kind of feedback I get.

- I don’t care that Carolina is 1 – 4. I believe. Although Cam needs to stop running the draw at the goal line. He’s going to get hurt. This is why you have Stewart and Williams behind you. Use them.

- Fascinating article that documents the collapse of the Red Sox season. According to sources it wasn’t enough that Lackey sucked royally this season, but it seems as though he contributed to the deterioration of the entire starting pitching staff. All of them would spend time in the clubhouse drinking beer and eating fried foods on their off days. All of them put on weight and lost interest in their conditioning. And I’ll bet this lack of conditioning contributed to Buchholz’s back injury. I fucking hate all of them. Way to back your team, fuckers.

- Did you know the Bengals have a 3 – 2 record? And that their rookie QB looks pretty good? In fact, between Gabbard, Dalton and Cam Newton, this rookie class of quarterbacks is looking like a gold mine. Who knew?

- What’s Carson Palmer up to these days?

- The last play of the Houston – Oakland game could be the single worst pass attempt we’ll see all year. What the fuck was Schaub thinking?

- Am I the only one amazed at the amount of weight Miguel Cabrera has put on since joining the Tigers? I barely recognized him watching the game last night. Oh, and don’t think I don’t watch Fister pitch and wonder what could have been. The Sox contemplated trading for him but took Eric Bedard instead. As Homer would say, ‘D’OH!’

- Something tells me Tebow becoming the starter in Denver won’t make one bit of difference.

- Is it too early to declare the Falcons over rated? No? I didn’t think so.

- Detroit 5 – 0. Buffalo 4 – 1. Is this 1999?

Stat of the Week: Heading into Week Five, Adrian Peterson had three touchdowns. He had three touchdowns in the first quarter against the Cardinals.

Today’s distraction: Enjoy some shots from ESPN’s Body Issue. My latest crush Hope Solo proves she’s anything but shy. Although why she’s watering the lawn is a bit of a question mark.

NFL Postmortem - Week 3

2011-09-28T14:54:00.000-04:00

There is a saying in basketball that has proven correct every time: Live by the three, die by the three.  It basically means that if you depend on three point accuracy to win games, you will lose at the worst possible time when that typically low percentage shot stops falling.

This can now translate to the NFL: Live by the pass, die by the pass. The Patriots have actually proven this the last three seasons. Going pass heavy and not even bothering to establish any sort of running game. Eventually passes will go astray or get tipped or bounce off a random helmet and the outcome will not be pleasant. Except for Bills' fans.

This can now - albeit loosely - be translated to fantasy football, as well: Live by the Vick, die by the Vick. I've been dying by him the last two weeks and am now giving serious consideration to Colt McCoy simply because he finishes games.

I know I'm a day or two late with this, so let's cruise through the games. If anyone still remembers them.

- Allow me to dispense with the fantasy boredom first. Not only did I have Vick playing half games for me, but Kenny Britt was my leading wide receiver. Things have quickly gone south for me this season, but I'm vowing to bounce back. I've still got Dez Bryant and his girly tendencies, DeSean Jackson (who has done nothing the last two weeks) and Steve Smith. I'm going to attempt to trade for Jordy Nelson, too, but don't want to give up too much. Frank Gore will be my chip since he apparently retired two years ago and never told anyone.

- Post I left on my fantasy league site.   'Subject: On The Block. Wanted: Medical/Training staff experienced with concussions, broken hands, MCL/ACL tears. Bionic knee replacement experimentation preferred.'

No replies yet. Humorless fuckers.

- Whether or not Buffalo is for real, they've got me convinced. They just don't quit, Fitzpatrick never loses his cool, and Fred Jackson is a beast. If their defense can pick it up a bit, we'll be talking about them in January.

- That said, what were the Bills doing in the final two minutes of the game? Why weren't they using Jackson to pound in the ball? I get killing the clock, but doesn't it make sense to get the 7 points and force the Patriots to tie it up? Instead we had half hearted kneel downs and confusion and penalties and Fitzpatrick nearly losing the ball on a snap. Just give it to Jackson, let him fall down once, then use the other two tries to get a TD. I shouldn't second guess since it worked out. I was convinced the field goal was going to miss after all that which would have been hilarious.

-  Great to see Ochocinco chipping in for the Pats finally. Insert sarcasm face here.

- Not so convinced about Detroit now. They looked TERRIBLE in the first half at Minnesota.  Good thing they were playing the Vikings.

- Game that told us nothing about either team and might double as the worst game of the year: 49ers 13 - Bengals 8.  The 49ers may have the worst offensive line in the NFL. Just watch them try to run the ball. Or protect the passer. Or not false start. Or stand up straight.

- How you know your team has QB issues:  When your starter throws for 250 yards, one TD and everyone is raving about how well he played.  Welcome to the Chad Henne Express. Oh, and they lost the game.

- Do I dare buy into the Matt Hasselbeck resurgence? He's still available in my League That Matters and has outscored my three roster quarterbacks. I think not. I've been down the Hasselbeck Trail before and it never ends well.

- The Ravens make big splashes with the Anquan Boldin and Lee Evans trades only to see a no name rookie (Tory Smith) explode for 152 receiving yards and 3 TDs. Did anyone anywhere have this guy starting on their fantasy team? I say no.   Well, maybe his brother or father.

- Watched some of the Raiders - Jets and Sanchez does not look like he's improved at all. Aren't we supposed to see some sort of improvement? Seems like he's making the same mistakes he made in year one.

- Is there any way to stop the Packers offense? They are so versatile and potent they're going to have to beat themselves. It might be time for me to insert Ryan Grant into my fantasy lineup, too. He ran for over 90 yards on 17 carries. James Stark? 11 carries for 5 yards. Five.

- The Steelers have not looked great so far this year. They barely beat the Colts despite holding them to under 150 yards passing. This Post-Peyton Era is going to be ugly.

- I like to watch the stats for the number of times a receiver was 'targeted' by a quarterback. It helps me figure out who he likes throwing to and gives a fairly accurate estimate on whether the balls thrown were being forced. For example, Reggie Wayne was thrown to 13 times. He caught 3 passes. That could mean he had a bad day or his QB sucked (it was this one) or he was covered extremely well.

On the opposite side was Mike Wallace who was thrown to 7 times, caught 5 of them for 144 yards and a touchdown. That, my NFL friends, is efficiency.

I should point out that my sleeper for the year was Emmanuel Sanders who caught 2 passed but was targeted 5 times. Lame.

- Can we pause on all the Tony Romo love for a few games, please. He had a QB rating of 70.5 and did not look good for most of the game. Yes, I get it, he was hurt and proved what a 'warrior' he is, but if Dallas had lost everyone would be asking why he didn't sit out and give his team a better chance to win. And they were perilously close to losing that game.

- Is there a more exciting open field player than Darren Sproles? Have I already asked this question? If so, did anyone answer?

- One of my fantasy competitors decided to play Cam Newton in place of Matt Schaub. He protested 'But all the fantasy guys were saying Cam was going to have a huge game'. True, but they didn't predict a monsoon hitting Carolina at game time. And, seriously, these so called 'gurus' are just guessing like we are.

- You know you've made it in sports when you're referred to by one name. Larry, Magic, Peyton, Shaq, Ronaldo, Cam....you know exactly who I mean without any need for a last name. Took Cam Newton two weeks to enter that stage.

- Game number two that told us nothing about either team: Tampa Bay 16 - Atlanta 13. Although I'm thinking Atlanta may have been severely over rated heading into the season.

- Game not even worth mentioning: Seattle 13 - Arizona 10.

Stat of the Week (continuation): The Vikings have outscored their opponents in the first half 54 - 7 and have lost all three games.

Until next week!

Random Weekend

2011-09-26T17:19:00.000-04:00

I'll get to the NFL tomorrow. Today, let's sit down and catch up with each other. That sound good? I feel like our quality time together has been at a minimum.

- Friday was a roller coaster of disaster followed by hope and fun. Allow me to explain.

A bunch of us were scheduled to attend the annual Children's Hospital fundraiser, which is fun in and of itself. Only this year it was scheduled to be held at Fenway Park. The idea was to show the Yankee - Sox game on the new HD center field screen while we got our charitable drink on.

So go the plans of mice and men, right?

Friday morning my niece suffered some sort of seizure. According to Wifey, her father was asking her what she wanted for lunch that day and she simply stared straight ahead. He turns around and asks again. Still nothing. Like she was transfixed to the television set. He gets closer to her and hears her uttering a strange sound before suddenly collapsing.

They rush her to the hospital (ironically, Children's Hospital), have her checked out, she seems lucid and aware, the docs give her some medication to take and send her home. She's home ten minutes and has a full fledged seizure which was 100 times worse than the first. Back to the hospital, two night stay and one 24 hour brain wave study to figure out what the hell is going on later and they send her home again.

She's 16, was just learning how to drive, is entering her senior year of high school and will not be able to drive at least six months, not play sports for the next two and will have to be on this medication for the rest of her life (if they can't trace what's causing the seizures).

Understandably, her parents were no longer going to the Fenway event and Wifey wasn't sure she wanted to go, either.

Fortunately, we had to bring in some of the donated auction items to the gig. Wifey and I hung out at Fenway, didn't get to watch the Sox game since it had been rained out, and had a blast. We wound up coming home with a nice bottle of wine, two hand painted pictures brought back from Ghana, five tickets to Trampoline Land (a free hour of bouncing!), two tickets to an F1 Racing circuit (you drive real F1 race cars) that I CAN'T WAIT TO USE, and a full fledged turkey dinner for ten people that we're going to use for Thanksgiving.

Oh, and the women at these charity events are mind boggling. What happens when a bunch of rich dudes get together in one room? They bring all their trophies.

- As part of the event we got a free tour of Fenway Park, complete with a history lesson that nearly bored me to tears. I did find out what happened to the Coke bottles that used to be attached to the light stands on the Green Monster: They took them down because the owners found them ugly. They'll be put up in the new spring training facility in Florida next season.

Here are a couple of pics from the night. Enjoy.

Fenway Press Box. Imagine 50 fat dudes sitting in the empty seats.

Rainy, empty Fenway. Or how it looks next time John Lackey pitches at home.

- A good friend of mine just left our company last week. I have a rule that anyone who I enjoy working with needs to leave me a token of our friendship. What she left was perfect: A shot glass with our company logo on it and a card with a picture of Bender from Futurama. It says 'Work While Bent. A sober robot can't do his job, he depends on your beer'. Rest assured, this will travel with me to every future job.

- Not only is John Lackey the worst signing in Red Sox history (beating out JD Drew and Dice K by a mile), he's apparently a first class douchebag as well. He played the 'how dare the media ask me questions even though I make 85 million dollars for playing a kids game' card after last night's game. He was pissed that someone had the audacity to text him a question regarding his personal life. How dare they!!????

Today it comes out he's filed for divorce from his wife who is battling breast cancer. Lackey better hope the Red Sox don't play another home game this season, because he is going to be crucified when he takes the mound. If he gives up another 8 runs in 5 innings, we could see our first mob related death of a player. Boston fans rushing the field and tearing him limb from limb; using his head as a soccer ball. He is officially not welcome on our team any longer. It's one thing to be terrible. It's another to be arrogant. It's still another to be terrible, arrogant and a complete asshole to everyone in life.

I think I speak for every Sox fan when I say we'd rather have your soon to be ex-wife pitching every three days than have you spend one more minute on any Boston team. Go fuck yourself, Schlackey.

- 'The Good Wife' returned last night and I couldn't have been happier. Well played by Felicia and Will at the office. Well played. I could enjoy the Peter - Felicia work rivalry, as well. Eli, as always, was pure Gold.

- Anyone else checking out 'Terra Nova' tonight? Might give it a shot.

- Recommended new shows (so far): 'Up All Night', 'The New Girl', and 'Free Agents'. I'm hoping 'Free Agents' focuses more on work life than the two leads. I've been looking for a 'Better Off Ted' replacement and this could fill the bill.

- Also watched the first episode of 'Revenge'. Not sure I'm in for the long haul. I did enjoy the innocent, socially adept way revenge was taken the first time around, but there are a lot of red flags. Terrible flashbacks, terrible wigs in the flashbacks, random people popping up and figuring it all out less than two days after she arrives in town. I'm hoping it evens out, because all the ingredients are there for a mean spirited war of the classes, but I get the feeling it's going to turn into 'Dynasty'.

- Since the lead chick won an Emmy I figured I'd check out 'Mike and Molly'. Didn't get it. Seems like every sitcom every made. Only with heavier people. Out after 20 minutes.

- Send me some suggestions folks. Really want to check out 'HomeLand' but I don't have Showtime. I think 'Boardwalk Empire' began Season 2 last night, as well. Need to check my DVR.

- What else? Boys are kicking ass in school already. Both got 100 scores on their first tests. First grader is all excited because he's starting to read and write at a more advanced level. Since they did so well, Wifey and I told them they could pick out new Nerf guns and we had a battle royale in our house. It got intense. I was shot in the throat and balls at the same time. My youngest picked out a gun so huge it's nearly as tall as he is. It also shoots from one end of the house to another. Nerf knows how to do it right.

That's it for now. Back to stupid work.

Today's distraction: What happens every 60 seconds on the internet. Let's assume this is an estimate.

NFL Postmortem - Week 2

2011-09-20T14:01:00.000-04:00

It didn't take long for me to be reminded fantasy football is a double edged sword. For every thrilling Fred Jackson sprint into the Raiders' secondary (honestly, I didn't realize how fast he was until this past weekend) there is Mike Vick getting knocked out of the game by his own lineman.

Stupid concussions.

At least I didn't own Jamaal Charles who is now lost for the season. He was my man last year and is one of the few players I love to watch. Every time he touched the ball there was the possibility for an electric outcome. Sorry, Mr. Charles (and all his owners). Get back soon.

- As bad as losing Charles will be for fantasy owners, has there been a more destructive injury in the history of fantasy football then Peyton Manning missing time? Every one on the Colts is having sub par years. Reggie Wayne had four receptions for 66 yards. Dwight Clark is now a mediocre tight end. Pierre Garcon is...well...he's still Pierre Garcon. The Colts are now 0 - 2, their franchise QB is flying to Europe for experimental stem cell therapy, and they just lost to the Browns for the first time in a generation.

Safe to say, Colt fans are a mopey bunch this season.

- Running a close second are KC fans, who have lost their best player, their first two games in embarrassing fashion, any self esteem, yet still have a terrible head coach. We'll see how they bounce back this weekend, but it sure seems like Haley has lost this team.

- Buffalo - Oakland was the most exciting game of the weekend. Fitzpatrick certainly cemented himself as a top notch quarterback, as well. Let's see how they do against the Jets or Pats before we all pile on the bandwagon, though.

- Speaking of the Pats, Brady and offensive coordinator....whoever it is....are reinventing the tight end position. Hernandez and Gronkowski are a two headed monster and could be prototypical of a new generation of players. Linebackers who run routes like wide receivers. How do you defend them when there are two on the field at the same time?

- Two teams I don't know what to make of: Baltimore and Chicago. Both looked great in week one wins; both got their asses handed to them in week two.

- One team I definitely know what to make of: Detroit. Potent on both sides of the ball. It's early, I know, but they certainly look legit. Can you imagine the Lions in the Super Bowl? Holy shit!

- Not only does Cam Newton look like a legitimate star, it appears he's rejuvenated Steve Smith's career. Smith was flitting around the field like a lightning bug all game. Yeah, he fumbled one, but this Carolina team is fun to watch. Even Jonathan Stewart got into the act with 100 receiving yards.

- Despite the Steve Smith resurrection, Kenny Britt is far and away the best pick I made at the fantasy draft this year. The dude has been on fire and looks fully recovered from his knee injury (or whatever it was). Go Titans!

- Game that told us nothing about either team: Redskins 22 Cardinals 21

- Should we be impressed with the Jets' defense this past weekend? Or is Jacksonville that bad?

- Despite the ass kicking given to them by the Ravens in week one, the Steelers could be 6 - 1 by the time they meet the Patriots. Upcoming schedule: Colts, Texans, Titans, Jaguars, Cardinals.

- While I'm not super impressed the Cowboys needed over time to beat the 49ers, I'm glad we can put away the questions regarding the toughness of Tony Romo. I wouldn't have come to work to sit at my desk with a punctured lung and/or cracked rib. He was throwing his team to victory.

- While everyone is jumping on the Cam Newton bandwagon (myself included), the other rookie quarterback running Cincinnati quietly had a very good game in Denver. 332 yards, 2 TDs, zero INTs. Yes, he lost. Just like Carolina.

- Has there been a better fit than Darren Sproles joining the Saints this year? It's like he was custom made to play with Brees and that system.

- Watching SportsCenter this morning, you would have thought Eli Manning was an MVP candidate. I watched the first half of this game and he was nothing short of horrendous. Under throwing nearly every pass. Even his TD passes were way off the mark and were more a result of great receiving. Why do commentators sugar coat what we can all see for ourselves? They did it all the time with Brett Favre and now seem to be protecting Eli Manning from any harsh words. Say it: He sucked last night. It's ok. We all know it.

Stat of the Week: The Vikings have outscored their opponents by a combined 34 - 7 in the first half and lost both games.

Stat of the Week #2: The NFC West is a combined 2 - 6 and been outscored by 51 points. The AFC East is a combined 6 - 2 and has outscored opponents by 73 points.

Today's distraction: Intriguing twist regarding Full Tilt Poker that involves the terms 'Ponzi Scheme', 'Money Laundering' and 'Fraud'. I'm a bit boggled of the mind at the amount of money being discussed, as well. Online poker is really that big?

NFL Postmortem - Week 1

2011-09-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

As always week one of the NFL provided more excitement, surprises and action than the first 150 games of any Padres game. Even with the shadow of the tenth anniversary of 9/11 darkening everything.

I would like to address a serious aspect of 9/11 that rarely gets mentioned, but something I noticed during all the rememberances: Not one good song has resulted from this tragedy. Not one!! All of them are overly somber to get people to cry. Even that stupid country song by somebody we haven't heard from since was terrible. 10 years and not one good song.

Off we go!

- I picked up Steve Smith in the 11th round of my LTM draft on the off chance so called 'NFL Experts' were wrong about Cam Newton.   There's a chance he could be decent, I thought. Decent? He obliterated Peyton Manning's rookie record for most passing yards in his first game. By 121 yards! He threw for 2 TDs (both to Smith) and rushed for another. The only people not impressed were D'Angelo Williams fantasy owners.

Keep in mind this took place against an Arizona defense that is probably terrible. Definitely worth considering.

- Smith's stats: 8 rec, 178 yards, 2 TDs....while sitting on my bench.

- Not that I should complain as I started Kenny Britt, Dez Bryant, and DeSean Jackson who all played well. Guess you could say receiver is not my weak position this year.

- Lost amid the Cam Newton orgasmic Monday was Kevin Kolb's steady hand in leading the Cardinals to a week one win.

- Wonder if we had the wrong Ohio team picked out as one of the worst teams in the league. Cleveland's offense looked terrible.

- Speaking of preseason thoughts, I was sure Baltimore was going to have a subpar year. Their defense is aging, Flacco still hasn't proven himself and, frankly, I thought they over acheived last season. After kicking Pittsburgh's ass yesterday, I now wonder if it's the Steelers I should have been viewing this way. They looked a step slow all day.

- What was the bigger week one surprise? Cincinatti beating Cleveland? Baltimore beating Pitt? My vote is for Buffalo not just beating KC, but crushing them. The Ryan Fitzpatrick - Steve Johnson combo is as lethal as any other combo since midseason last year. And now, my man Fred Jackson, is anchoring the running game nicely.

- Maybe Detroit's defense is just really good this year, but Blount rushing for 15 yards is alarming. Of course when a team rushes 16 times (and 4 of those were Freeman scrambles) and passes 46 times, the game is not going your way. Run more, Tampa. You won't win many games with such an imbalanced attack.

Want an example? Look at the team that just beat you: 33 passes, 35 rushing attempts. Well done, Detroit. We may actually have an entertaining Thanksgiving game this year.

- Main reason Vick is the MVP of fantasy football: 187 yard passing, 2 TD, 98 yards rushing. When one aspect of his game isn't working, he makes up for it in other ways.

-  Perfect example of why nobody can never predict fantasy production: Mike Tolbert. 9 receptions for 58 yards (6.4 per catch). 12 carries for 35 yards (2.9 per carry). 3 TDs. Go figure.

- It certainly looks like Donovan McNabb was who we thought he was - a suck ass.

- I was shocked to see how well Rex Grossman (yeah, THAT Rex Grossman) was playing in the first half of the Redskins - Giants game. Then he reverted back to taking 25 yard sacks (twice in a row) and fumbling the ball on a simple tackle. He pulled it together for the win, but it was a reminder that this is still the Rex we remember from Chicago. Sorry, DC fans.

- By the way, the Giants look terrible. Not a good year for the Manning boys, so far. Don't be surprised if Couglin gets the boot this year, as well. When you need 1 yard for a first down in a tight game and you give the ball to 5'10, 214 pound Ahmad Bradshaw and not 6'4, 264 pound Brandon Jacobs (who was also averaging more yards per carry) you have rightly earned many doubters.  Not a big fan of Coughlin showing up his players after a bad call on his part, either. When Bradshaw got stuffed, Coughlin made a big show of tossing his head gear and acting like the players messed up. Team game, coach. It was your call, it is you who prepare these guys.  When they fuck up, it's on you.

- What a collapse by Dallas last night. Was so hoping the Jets would start 0 - 1. Oh well.  Looks like Wade Phillips wasn't the issue in Dallas after all.

- Game that tells us nothing about either team: Jacksonville 16 - Tennessee 14.

- Prediction #1: Peyton Manning will not play this season. They fucking fused vertebrae together. FUSED! Doesn't that involved an arc welder or something? No way he plays. Especially when they start off 0 - 4.

- Prediction #2: Cam Newton will top the list of fantasy pickups this week.

- Do the Seahawks still consider Tavaris Jackson the answer? If they do, maybe they're asking the wrong question.

- New Orleans at Green Bay: What football was meant to be.

Stat of the Week: If you include Green Bay's ass whooping in the playoffs, Atlanta has been outscored 78 - 31 in it's past two games.

Today's distraction: Part five of learning something new everyday. Love the Titanic factoid.

Fantasy Life

2011-09-09T15:58:00.000-04:00

I just realized Monday will mark the return of my Postmortem NFL entries. And I can't fucking wait.

I also realized I haven't bored everyone with my fantasy drafts. My bad.

I'm a member of two leagues. One includes huge money so it's my League That Matters (LTM) while the other is just friendly comp.

Real quick, off we go.

LTM

I had a discussion with another member just before the draft where I argued Michael Vick should be the number one over all pick. My point, even if he was three quarters as effective as he was last season, Vick has the potential to average 35 - 40 points a game. And there is the very real possibility he could explode for 60 - 70 points any given week.

He wasn't sold and took Chris Johnson with the number two pick.

I had the number eight pick and took Vick. While everyone muttered stuff about 'he won't be nearly as good this year' and 'Oh, I have my doubts about him', the guy I had talked to before hand looked at me across the table and said 'Shit, you were serious about him.' Turns out he thought I was trying to talk him into drafting him way too early. I will argue - barring injury of course - Vick will have more fantasy points than Chris Johnson by the end of the season.

We'll see.

My team for League That Matters.

QBs:

Vick

Josh Freeman (who is the perfect Vick backup and provoked another member two picks behind me to scream 'You MotherFUCKER!'. Love then that happens.)

Colt McCoy, who could be my trade chip by Week 4

RBs:

LeGarrett Blount

Frank Gore

Fred Jackson (as you can see I went with dependable if unspectacular with the RBs)

Ryan Grant

Ryan Torain (because I have no faith in Tim Hightower)

WRs:

DeSean Jackson, who I love paired with Vick

Dez Bryant, who everyone stayed away from. Something I don't know? Got him in the 11th round.

Kenny Britt, my gamble who I am debating starting over Dez this week. Thoughts?

Steve Smith (CAR), in case Cam Newton is actually good.

Emmanuel Sanders, who is my sleeper. Hines Ward can't play forever, right?

TEs:

Only took one: Mercedes Lewis and, no, I'm not happy about it.

K:

Neil Rackers

DST:

Eagles. When DeSean runs a punt back for a TD, I'll get double points!

My other team (which actually looks spectacular on paper):

QBs: Josh Freeman, Colt McCoy

RBs: Adrian Peterson, Jahvid Best (I know, right?), Jonathan Stewart

WRs: Mike Wallace, Larry Fitzgerald, Danny Amendola, Sidney Rice

TEs: Dallas Clark, Brent Celek

Ks: Mason Crosby

DSTs: Miami and San Diego. Don't ask. I signed off the draft too early so the computer autodrafted another defense in my absence. Oh well.

Enjoy the weekend and NFL kick off!

Reigning Chaos

2011-09-07T17:21:00.001-04:00

This morning was the first day of school for my boys.
Which, of course, means it's a day of total chaos for me. Let's do a quick time line.

6 am: Haul my aging, ugly ass out of bed ignoring the ever increasing aches and pains that now accompany every morning. Seriously. Fuck mornings. And fuck aging, too. Fuck everything.

6:03 am: Need caffeine. Coffee is on (I get it already the night before so I can just flip a switch in the morning to get it brewing. Work smarter, not harder, folks).

6:15 - 6:30 am: Eat breakfast while watching the miserable forecast (60s and rain all fucking day) and miserable traffic report from two smoking hot chicks. Bad news is always easier to take when there are good looking women involved. Companies need to hire smoking hot models to deliver layoff notices.

6:30 am: Wake up eldest son. He's starting middle school this year and needs to be at school roughly four hours ahead of last year. By four hours, I really mean 45 minutes. Just feels like 4 hours.

6:45 - 7 am: Get eldest breakfast, make his lunch while he's eating, stop to watch SportsCenter's Top 10 Plays.

7 - 7:15 am: Say goodbye to Wifey who has the luxury of only getting herself ready every morning. Make youngest son's lunch.

Quick sidenote: Youngest has decided he wants to make his own lunch from now on. Two slices of bread and cheese. Nothing else. I pack this poor excuse for a sandwich in with healthier options. Go diet!!

7:15 am: Eldest is taking the bus this year since his new school is on the opposite side of town. According to Wifey, the bus will pick him up at the bottom of our massive hill at 7:20 every morning. She tells him to be out of the house by 7:15. He heads out, I say goodbye and am quite impressed how easily he's taking it. His last comment is 'Well, hope I don't die'. That's the spirit!

7:16 am: Time to wake up youngest, which is always a chore. Imagine my surprise when he is already coming down the stairs! I'm so excited I scoop him up and give him an airplane ride to the couch.

7:17 - 7:20 am: Chat with youngest regarding our game plan for our first day of school. He wants to walk, but it's friggin' pouring out so we decide (read: I told him) that driving would be better since he has a lot of stuff to carry.

7:21 - 7:24 am: Exchange the following texts with eldest:

Him: I missed the bus
Me: Seriously?
Him: Yes, nobody is here
Me: Come back to the house. I'll have to drive you.

7:25 am: Tell youngest to get dressed. 'You're coming with us'. To his credit, he runs and gets ready in record time.

7:26 - 7:40 am: Fight horrific traffic due to idiot drivers to get eldest to school. Decide to jump on the highway on the way home since it would actually be quicker. How does rain make people stupid? Have we done a study on this?

7:40 - 8 am: Get youngest breakfast, pack his bag, shower, tell youngest he can play quick video game after he brushes his teeth, brush my own teeth, dress, take call from Wifey who asks - in an unnecessarily accusatory manner, I might add - why eldest didn't take the bus. When I tell her he missed it she tells me 'It's supposed to pick him up between 7:25 and 7:30!'. I answer 'You told him 7:20 and there was nobody there when he walked down.'

'I only told him that so he wouldn't be late and miss it.'

Well done. Well fucking done. I did not say that not everyone is constantly running late like her even though I really REALLY wanted to.

8 - 8:20 am: Get car packed with approximately 430 different bags every first grader needs to bring in. Paper towels, crayons, markers, pencils, tissues, notebooks, hand sanitizer, soap. Name it, he had it in the bag. Drive to school, get shitty space because the entire city is driving their kids to school today.

8:20 - 8:25 am: He meets up with his buddy from kindergarten (who I can't stand because he's such a mama's boy and cried every day last year during drop off) and we walk in together.

Two notes here: 1: It is possible for an adult to despise a child. 2: Normally the kids line up outside, but since monsoon season has arrived from the other side of the world they lined up inside to prevent drowning.

8:26 - 8:35 am: Complete and total chaos. They let the parents come in with the kids because it's the first day so there is barely room to move. My son's buddy immediately starts crying. My son sees him and he starts freaking out. I get him calmed, tell him I have to go to work which starts him crying. 'I don't want to go to school!' to which I respond 'I don't want to go to work, either, but I don't cry about it until I'm alone.' This gets a laugh from the cry baby's mother and my son lightens up a bit.

A strategic problem arises when son tells me his bag of supplies is too heavy for him to carry. I ask teacher if I can take them up to the class for him and she agrees. Son says 'You're coming right back?' I tell him yes and debate if running out the door would traumatize him too much. I decide to go back.

Fortunately, he's perfectly fine when I get back. He's used to the commotion and seems to like his new teacher. I tell him I'm leaving and he says 'Ok, see you tonight'. Wait, who is this kid?

8:35 - 9 am: No that's not a misprint. It took me 25 minutes to get back to my house. That would be approximately 1.2 miles from the school. As I said many times during this commute, 'Are you fucking kidding me?'

9 - 9:45 am: Commuted to work.

9:48 am: Realized I never had coffee and left the coffee maker on. If I'm lucky my house will be in ashes by the time I get back.

Yay, school.

Scattered To The Wind

2011-08-26T09:48:00.000-04:00

Why, hi!
I'm back from vacation, caught up on work and this blog's best friend's personal life, nearly ready for my fantasy football draft and now have time to share some random thoughts. Consider yourselves lucky because, according to the over hyped news machine, the most destructive and scariest hurricane since Katrina is bearing down on New England. It's going to kill everybody, man!!!

So this might be my last entry. Enjoy.

- Let's start with work first. My second day on vacation I get a text from a coworker that reads 'Call me'. So, since I do what any text tells me to do, I call her after I get home from the beach have a gin and tonic, a shot of Goldschlagger, and open a beer. Yeah, it was that type of vacation.

Anyway, she goes on to tell me that they laid off a bunch of my coworkers and they want me to go to the new outsourced company when they take over in the new year. Good times! Oh, and thanks for ruining my vacation. She adds that our manager will be calling me soon to go over what the hell is happening in this crazy company.

Sure enough, he emails me asking to chat. I tell him tomorrow morning even though he would like to talk that night. Fuck that! I'm already well into my third beer and I know if I get pissed I'll wind up losing my job. I have a hard enough time keeping my trap shut when I'm sober.

Next morning arrives, I take the call on the couch of the condo we're renting, Wifey is puttering around getting breakfast made and packing for the beach. While listening to my side of the conversation she keeps motioning me to 'Calm down'. That was until my manager says 'Unfortunately, you're move will involve a slight paycut' and I respond with 'Define slight pay cut'. Wifey whips around and mouths 'WHAT???!!!'

So, yeah. They 'want to keep' me on board, but they're moving me to a different company, making me take a pay cut, and basically taking away my ability to do my job in any effective way. My response: I now have a head hunter working to get me the fuck out of this place and my attitude towards everybody is horrendous.

But, hey, this is a 'global economy', right? As my manager said, 'At least you have a job' which was small consolation when I found out the laid off employees were getting paid through the end of the year. Fuck, give me that instead. I'll do contract or temp work and get double pay for three months.

- We're in the midst of a religious experiment, by the way. My mother in law called to tell me she was 'praying' for me and my job situation. Let's see if her god helps me out at all. Although I suspect the gods of headhunting will be much more effective.

- Heard through a reliable grapevine that CIO (who is spearheading this outsourcing model) got his ass reamed by our CEO because of the way things were handled. It's not looking good for him, which I couldn't be happier about. It's only been a week and we've fired two of the contractors brought in to replace the laid off workers. Well done. So far the experience has been less than ideal. I get the feeling it's only going to get worse, too.

- Let's talk about my (sort of) relaxing vacation. Excluding the job drama, we basically beached it every day, my brother in law caught a 41 inch, 29 pound striped bass which we all had for dinner, I drank my fucking face off for six straight days, and managed not to get sunburned. All in all a great week. Wish I were back there now.

- School is starting soon, so my life becomes dictated by the boys' schedule once again. I love summer for a variety of reasons, but not having to drop them off every morning ranks right up there.

- I'm supposed to visit the Philly office next week, but Irene (that would be the DEADLIEST HURRICANE EVER) is causing travel problems. Already canceled my train tickets and will probably just drive down when the storm passes.

- I should point out that all this hoopla surrounding the hurricane means it's probably going to blow out to sea and not bother us in the least. That's usually how it works. Stupid news whores.

- JC Monahan - my morning weather hottie - is off this week, too. Not only is she the sexiest forecaster in Boston, she's the most accurate. I want her take on this hurricane before I make any decisions.

- Just like old times: I had a lovely and long over due conversation with DA who still possesses one of the greatest laughs in human history. Nothing makes my spirits soar higher than making her laugh while she calls me an asshole. Twice. Got her to do it twice.

- Also, like old times, she nearly ended my marriage for the third or fourth time. Long story, but if you ever met DA, you'd completely understand. Miss you, my friend.

- Speaking of assholes, my six year old called another kid that exact word and nearly got into a fist fight with him while doing so. My older son broke it up before anyone was hurt and six year old spent a LONG time in his room. But, as I told Wifey when she called me about it, in his defense that kid really is an asshole. Sort of proud that 1: he stuck up for himself and 2: he used the term correctly.

- Oh, hey, we had an earthquake here. One I actually felt while I was working. I leaned back in my chair and suddenly thought I was suffering from vertigo. Everything swayed, my bookcase shook a bit and I immediately texted Wifey with 'Either something exploded or we just had an earthquake'.

I thought earthquake immediately because a few summers ago I had experienced what an explosion felt like when one of the power grid's huge transformers blew up. It brought down everyone's computers at work and made the lights flicker dramatically. We could see the black smoke a few blocks away. Ever smelled an electrical fire? Man, it is nasty.

Earthquakes make everything sway, explosions make everything shudder. You can definitely tell the difference. Not sure if I should be glad I know that.

- Between Japan's tsunami, the first major earthquake the east coast has felt in decades, birds and fish dropping dead without explanation, my brother in law actually catching a fish, and me writing a new entry I'm thinking the Aztecs were right: Maybe the world is ending in 2012. In which case we're all going to look like idiots for keeping those 401Ks. If French or 10 pop up with a new blog entry I'm going to be really freaked out, man.

- Went out drinking with some coworkers last night and was introduced to Scholar's on School Street. Enjoyable, spacious and the prices were surprisingly low for the look of the place. Five bucks for a bottle of Sankaty Light (it's made in Nantucket). Plus they have a HUGE upstairs with pool tables and a second bar. Highly recommended. My only issue was the seemingly overwhelming number of lawyers that were there. I could do without them.

- Speaking of beer, a west coast buddy of mine shipped me a huge bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale (which I can't buy around here). Very hoppy and bitter, so it's not an every day beer, but I loved it. Hell, it's beer. Of course I loved it.

Need to get ready for a conference call now. Maybe I'll do a running blog of Hurricane Irene over the weekend. Here's a preview:

- It's windy. And rainy.

- Yep, still windy and rainy. Hoping those two trees blocking my view topple over.

- Just windy now. Rain has let up.

The end.

Today's distraction: Six people who screwed up entire economies. I can relate to number six. Enjoy your weekends.

Ponder This

2011-08-12T11:32:00.000-04:00

I'm going on vacation next week and, since my adoring public would be apoplectic if I neglected to post anything before taking off, I've decided to give everyone a few questions to ponder while I'm gone. Feel free to leave any significant answers in the comments section.

I should point out that these come from a game called 'What The Fuck?' and was used to entertain myself and DA during slow work days (every day was slow for DA) for months.

Oh, this can also be turned into a drinking game by placing bets on who you think will answer a particular question a certain way. Basically this is the greatest game ever invented.

Enjoy!

1: Which career are you more suited to?

a: Guidance Counselor
b: Porn Star

My answer: Guidance Counselor. Don't think I could 'perform' when the girl just shot up with the latest designer drug and snorted Ecstasy.

2: What would you rather change your last name to?

a: Pickles
b: Snodgrass

My answer: Snodgrass. Much more hilarious.

3: Would you eat a banana slug if doing so vaccinated you against colds and flus for the rest of your life?

a: Yes
b: No

My answer: Abso-fucking-lutely, which isn't one of the options but you get the point. I hate being sick and would do anything to avoid feeling like shit 2 - 3 times a year.

4: What would you rather give up for a year?

a: All dairy products
b: alcohol

My answer: I'm pretty sure I inadvertently gave up all dairy products for alcohol my junior year in college. So I know I can do it.

5: Would you ride a bicycle from California to New York for $25,000?

a: Yes
b: No

My answer: I would walk that for 25 grand.

6: You are captured by a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. What would you rather do?

a: Become a servant and love slave to the entire crew
b: Walk the plank and try to swim three miles to a nearby island.

My answer: Definitely B. I'm a strong swimmer and prefer my anus to remain one way. However, I will reconsider if said pirates are smoking hot models rebelling against the beauty establishment.

7: What would you least like to have dropped down your pants?

a: six lit charcoal briquettes
b: a dozen fire ants

My answer: Def A. The fire ants you could squash pretty quickly.

8: If you suffered brain damage that caused your IQ to plummet, how would you prefer to be referred to by others?

a: gifted
b: special

My answer: Why would I care? I'm brain damaged and probably can't even feed myself. Screw everyone else.

9: Who would you rather have living in your attic?

a: Your significant other's parents
b; A poltergeist

My answer: Poltergeist simply for the entertainment value.

10: Which item would you rather wear for a full day at work?

a: a plastic diaper
b: a rain bonnet

My answer: B. Plastic diaper would probably get really uncomfortable after a while. Now a REAL diaper? I would have to think about that.

11: You are thrown into jail and have your choice of cellmates. Who do you choose?

a: The cross dressing arsonist
b: The anorexic gang member

My answer: B. Dude probably weighs 80 pounds. I could push him away with one hand if he starts any shit.

12: Where would you rather spend the night?

a: In your neighbor's dog house
b: In bed with your significant other's parents

My answer: Dog house. Hands down.

13: What would you rather be for a day?

a: a member of the opposite sex
b: an eagle

My answer: B. I'm thankful every day I'm a guy.

14: What would you find more flattering?

a: Having a newly discovered star named after you
b: A 1-900 dating service wanting to run your photo in their ad

My answer: This is actually a tough one, but I'd have to go with B. Nobody cares about the universe anymore.

15: Would you beat up a member of the clergy for $100,000?

a: yes
b: no

My answer: I've already done this for free.

16: Who would you rather receive a phone call from?

a: The mayor of your city
b: Satan

My answer: B - I have so many questions.

17: You save a witch from drowning in a vat of butter. She offers you a choice of rewards. Which do you accept?

a: a book of usable spells
b: her flying broom.

My answer: The book of spells which probably has one on how to make a broom fly.

18: What would you rather be?

a: a superhero with powers that only work when you're naked
b: the world's most talented painter, but you can only paint when dogs are barking

My answer: Without a doubt, A. I hate barking dogs.

19: Would you let your butt be used for a dart board if the bartender promised you free drinks for the rest of your life?

a: yes
b: no

My answer: B, but it should point to a problem if I had to give this SERIOUS consideration before deciding.

Lastly....

20: Would you go the bathroom in your pants for two days - without changing clothes - for a $10,000 shopping spree at your favorite mall?

a: yes
b: no

My answer: Hell no. This is way too disgusting for me to consider. I'm betting women take longer to consider this than most men.

Carry on, friends. Catch up to you in a week or so.

Alcoholic Haze

2011-08-04T15:56:00.000-04:00

Bear with me while I set the stage a bit.

Back in the day* I did my share of heavy drinking. I know! Who would have thought? Fortunately for my liver, I have some strong Irish blood flowing through these veins. It pulses with super human tolerance for beer, gin, and - occasionally - tequila.

* Back in the day in this case is defined as between the ages of 16 and yesterday.

My favorite Wifey story: When we first started dating, I was introduced to her party friends. Many of them were guys who were fond of Wifey and immediately wanted to test my meddle. How do you test a man's endurance? Apparently by offering shots of expensive 180 proof vodka. Several shots of this flammable liquid and many, MANY beers later, we left the party.

The next morning Wifey and I were at the beach doing our usual thing. Several hours later those party friends show up looking like death. Several of them give me a skeptical once over, realize with a shock I'm not even slightly hungover and stay far away from me the rest of the weekend. As Wifey says 'They didn't know who they were dealing with.' And, yes, she says it with some semblance of pride.

Pre Wifey era produced more debauchery than I care to share. Let's just say my college years were spent in a surreal, semi translucent fog of pot, booze, and occasional studying. I shared intimate moments with people I wouldn't recognize if I passed them on the street three days later.

My partner in crime for most of this time was my Best Man. I will refer to him as such going forward. We've been best friends since 1st grade and have had more forgotten, great moments than most friends have in a lifetime. Just after we graduated college we road tripped to Virginia Beach on a spur of the moment decision and drank nothing but Budweiser the entire time we were there.

Two quick notes here:

1: Best Man was living with his college girlfriend at the time and didn't think she would let him go. So we made up a story about us working an out of state job. Since this was pre-cell phone era, he would only check in once or twice a day from a pay phone. When we wanted to prolong our stay, we checked the weather in Massachusetts, saw it was raining, and told her the rain had delayed our work so we would be late a day or two. I don't have to point out that relationship didn't last too long. To this day I don't know how he explained that not only did he not get paid, but wound up dropping $300 in Atlantic City.

2: Don't ever drink only beer for an entire week. It wreaks havoc with your digestive system. By the time we were ready to leave both of us were shitting rabbit pellets.

It is also with this Best Man that the 'Alcoholics Club' was created. One of our friends started going to AA because he thought he had a drinking problem when, in reality, he just couldn't keep up with us. So we created the AC in response to his sobriety. Our mission statement was to get everyone drinking everywhere we went.  We were a rousing success for years.

Flash forward to last week. I met Best Man out for 'a few' beers and bumped into high school classmates of ours.  After our obligatory 'What are you doing for work' and 'how are the wife and kids' bullshit, we asked one of them about his time as a Boston police officer. I distinctly remember boozing in Fanueil Hall one night and a Boston cop started yelling at us to come over. I mumbled 'Don't stop' and started walking away.

Turns out it was this dude from our high school class giving us shit.  We all go over and he laughs because he can tell we're halfway to trashville. I mention this to him and he says 'I was never a Boston cop. I was one in Osterville for a few years, though.'

If you're not familiar, Osterville is down on Cape Cod, more than 80 miles away from Boston. I look at Best Man and say, 'Man I could have sworn that was him'. Best Man replies 'I thought so, too'.

There is a pause before he offers 'We didn't wind up in Osterville one night, did we?'

I start to laugh at the absurdity of this suggestion, stop, look at Best Man and ask 'Wait, did we?' and we spend the next few minutes trying to sort out the details in our beer soaked brains.

Now, if there is a lesson to be made here it's not that drinking is bad. I would offer that I have had more good times with beer than without. It probably isn't that beer messes up your brain, either. That I remembered the encounter at all should be proof of the opposite. Frankly, if beer destroyed brain cells I would be in a vegetative state in some state hospital.

The lesson really should be this: If you party a lot, there is a solid chance in the distant future you'll be trying to figure out if you wound up 80 miles from where you thought you were and if Osterville looks at all like Fanueil Hall.

And you won't have an answer.

Or, as I said after a moment's consideration, 'Fuck it! You ready for another?'

Today's distraction: More 'At the right moment' pictures for your viewing pleasure.

It's ALIVE!!

2011-08-01T15:01:00.001-04:00

Yes, I'm still alive and kicking. Yes, I know I've been slacking when it comes to this space. Yes, C, I read your comment and you can consider this one dedicated to you. Yes, DA, I know you just took exception to me dedicating this to C, but tough. She at least comments now and then in this space.

In my defense, I've started two or three entries only to be interrupted with work or family or spectacular summer weather. Those are pretty much trashed, although I do have one I still have drafted that I'll post soon. I'll even give you the working title as a tease: Alcoholic Haze. Let your imaginations run wild.

Let's get caught up, shall we?

- Forget the free agent signings, questionable and risky trades by the Patriots, and the non stop coverage from ESPN, nothing matched the flurry of emails, texts and phone calls after the NFL lockout ended than fantasy leagues frantically putting together their draft day. Mine is September 3rd and I'm going to get wrecked.

After the draft is over, of course.

- Spent last week in a technical training class. It isn't often I get to hang out with others in my line of work so when I do I marvel at my uniqueness. See, most technical people don't have what we refer to as 'social skills'. They can barely talk about anything besides work and simply making eye contact is a bit of a challenge. I was somewhat alarmed that every single member of the class (save one) was VERY over weight. Is that where I'm heading?

- One dude I did get along with was the one guy who opened lunch with 'who likes football?'. We proceeded to spend the week passing updates along. I briefly won a bet in which I said Albert Haynesworth would show up out of shape. After all, lockout + untold millions + bad attitude from big guy = heart attack in week one of camp. We thought that's why the Pats pulled him on the first day of practice only to have them announce he hadn't taken his fitness test. I still wasn't buying until it was confirmed he was practicing the next day.

- Spent a weekend in Vermont in which Wifey decided to bring our dog along for the trip. We were visiting her brother who had his own dog. His dog is obsessed with fetching any and all balls that are thrown. During our last visit, she wore herself out so much she walked with a limp for two days.

Anyway, our dog and her dog sniffed around each other for a bit, ignored each other for another while, then started running after each other. Then a ball was introduced and my dog had the shit kicked out of him when he went for the ball. Female is very territorial with her fetching apparently. Neither dog was hurt, but the pecking order had been established for the rest of the weekend.

- Vermont advertises maple syrup, mountains, serene rivers and spectacular views. Know what they don't tell you about? Flies. Millions of relentless, biting, annoying fucking flies. Bug spray won't kill them, repellent doesn't repel them, you can't kill them all because they are infinite (I call them hydraflies because I'm convinced two come back when you kill one), and their bites itch for weeks. And this was during a bright, sunny day. I didn't dare go out when the sun went down. The boys had no such issues and spent an hour jumping on the trampoline. The next morning my youngest wakes with a bite on the side of his head the size of a walnut. I would not have been surprised if one of these fuckers showed up.

- I'm 90% convinced this entire political gamesmanship over the debt ceiling is all theater. My cynical nature knows there has been a deal in place for a while, but both parties needed to show they were willing to fight for their people. It's all bullshit and makes me hate everyone involved that much more. Both Obama and CryBaby Boehner should be ashamed of themselves. When is the black man in Obama going to show itself? When is he going to simply say 'I'm the fucking President and we're doing it this way. Don't make me bitch slap you in public then dunk on you in our next pickup game! I'll do it, mothafucka!' Maybe I just want Samuel Jackson as President.

- Last weekend was our long awaited clambake. This was something we bid for at silent auction almost a year ago. It was for 15 people, the catering company provided everything (including napkins, plastic utensils, lobster crackers, linens for the tables and trash cans) then took everything away when it was over. The only evidence they were ever there was everyone's full stomach and a burn mark in the grass where they put the boiling pot down. It was great!

Quick movie reviews:

Captain America: Better than Thor, not as good as Iron Man, entertaining enough.

The Tourist: Watched this and was bored throughout. You can only watch Angelina Jolie walk through a crowd with a smirk on her face for so long. Great job making Johnny Depp devoid of any personality. In short, this was a train wreck.

Easy A: Perfect role for Emma Stone (who stole my heart in 'Superbad') and hilarious supporting roles. Story seems a bit far fetched, but enjoyable all around. Stupid ending.

City of God: Got around to watching this on the recommendation of several readers and was not disappointed. Not for everyone as there are several gut wrenching scenes of children being maimed and killed as well as doing the maiming and killing, but it stays with you. Probably forever.

The Last Airbender:Ang. Not Ung. Fucking ridiculous. The terrible acting, dialog and zero sense of humor didn't help. Maybe it's me, but I don't remember there being a dragon tutoring Ang, either. Did I miss that in the series?

One quick television note:

If you have Starz, check out 'Torchwood: Miracle Day'. I never saw the original series, but this one is interesting and entertaining enough for me to seek it out. Basically everyone in the world stops dying and the Torchwood team is brought in to figure out why. Seems like a British version of X-Files with more explicit content.

Am I missing anything? Probably. The old noggin' ain't working like it used to. I'll get to work on finishing the other entry as soon as I can.

Until next time.

Today's distraction: A timeline of the seemingly endless Debt Ceiling negotiations. Be interested to see what irrelevant and needless bills have been tacked on to this agreement. Politicians suck.

Justice?

2011-07-06T08:20:00.000-04:00

The shit has hit the fan with the Casey Anthony verdict. Dust storms are covering Phoenix, people are camping in swamps, Twitter is full of anti-Anthony and anti jury sentiments, and Nancy Grace has somehow made it all about herself (again).

Yet, amid the wailing and gnashing of teeth there is a question I would like addressed: Was it the correct verdict?

I want everyone to try something novel.  Let's pretend there has been no media coverage regarding Casey Anthony or her poor daughter. Let's pretend we knew nothing about this the day the jury first settles into their seats and hears opening arguments. We're starting with a blank slate.

Ready?

The prosecution's case: A young, selfish, probably narcissistic, single mother does the unthinkable by not reporting her adorable daughter missing for a month. Police get involved and get strange, conflicting stories from both the mother and the grandparents of the missing girl. In short, the entire family seems a bit damaged.

Eventually the little girl's body is found, shoved in a trash bag and dumped in a swampy area by the side of a road. Cause of death cannot be determined and there is no trace evidence on the body. None.

Obviously the mother and/or grandparents are involved and charges are filed.

Defense's case: They basically take the path of 'throwing as much shit against the wall and see what sticks' method of defending their client. This includes accusations of abuse by the grandparents, a wild story about the accidental drowning of Caylee with Casey's father covering it up by disposing of the body, and something about Casey's brother being involved. She has a brother, right? Hell, it doesn't matter.

Since this is a court of law and you are on the jury, here is all you need to concentrate on: Is there reasonable doubt in your mind that Casey Anthony murdered her daughter.  Above is what you have to work with as well as this, tidy list:

DNA evidence on body: none

Cause of death: unknown*

Trace evidence on Casey: none

Actions of mother: suspicious and highly questionable

Knowing nothing going in, do you convict? Do you have reasonable doubt?

As much criticism the media is taking right now, mine is much more direct: Why aren't they asking this question instead of focusing on everyone else's reaction? Why wasn't anyone prepared for this 'shocking' verdict when the physical evidence was so lacking? Why is nobody criticizing the prosecution for not building a better case before taking this to trial?

I said at lunch yesterday that if I were on this jury I would have found her not guilty. This was before the actual verdict was read, so this shouldn't have been a shock to anyone. Especially not the media members who are supposed to report the facts regarding ongoing trials and not be subjective in their coverage.

If I had more eloquence or intelligence I would get into how this is the definitive moment that media has changed forever, but who fucking cares. Everyone is pissed that a murderer is going free; that a little girl is left unspoken for (even if it seems everyone is this morning).

I'm mourning something larger today. For once again truth has been slaughtered; both by the trial and the media coverage. We may now never know what happened to this adorable, tragic little girl.  We can all suppose and guess and theorize all we want, but - other than an out of the blue/death bed confession - we will never know what happened to Caylee.

Don't mistake this not guilty verdict for freedom for Casey, either. She will now be living the life of OJ Simpson:  Out of jail, but far from free. Tell me one place she could go that would welcome her. Hell, even her own father, mother, and brother appear to have turned their backs on her.  After the accusations leveled at them, who can blame them?

Enough of this. I have to go to Hartford, which puts me in moods like this. Carry on.

* Doesn't the lack of fluid in Caylee's lungs disprove the defense's theory that she accidentally drowned? If you had to pinpoint one flaw in the prosecution's case it was the inability to determine cause of death. That would have been a game changer.

Carry on.

By The Numbers

2011-07-05T11:30:00.001-04:00

Some stats from the past week.

0: Amount of fun I had in Jacksonville last week. The area is mind bogglingly huge. According to one dude I spoke with, the Jacksonville area covers 82.7 square miles. Much of that is littered with 'town centers' which is apparently the new term for 'strip malls'. Not my favorite city.

1: Number of days I wore socks this past weekend. This correlates with the number of days I wore underwear, as well. Don't judge.

2: Number of cigars smoked. The best being an Oliva while watching the fireworks from my back deck.

4: Amount of sleep in hours last night....

5: ...because some numbnuts in neighborhood decided to light off this number of M80s at one thirty this morning. I considered calling the cops but opted to scream out my window 'Cut the shit! Some of us have to work today!' Amazingly, no more fireworks were launched after that. Sometimes policing ourselves is the best remedy.

7: Hours spent on my brother in law's boat Sunday. Cruised Boston Harbor, anchored off one of the islands and swam around for a bit. He then took out his portable grill and we had burgers, steak tips and chicken on the open seas. Made both Wifey and I talk about getting our own boat. We'll see. Much saving to do if we consider that.

10: Number of hours I spent configuring my new iTouch. Wifey bought it for me and didn't realize she only got me an 8 Gig version (I know, I'm an ingrate!). My current iPod has 30 Gigs of which more than half is filled. So I spent the weekend arranging playlists and deciding which albums I had to have on the new one. Not sure I'm a fan, btw. The iPod Classic is much easier to blindly switch songs or turn the volume up or down. The iTouch you need to unlock every two minutes. It also has games, email, and other apps that I don't need nor want that take space away from actual music. I do like the longer battery life, though, so I'll find a way to keep it around.

11: Hours leading up to the fireworks in which the boys were super excited.

12: Minutes after the fireworks started they were already bored. I'll ask again why they start so late. Every year up until last year they started at 10 pm. Maybe even sooner. The Pops launch into the 1812 Overture and the fireworks kick off at the end of the song. Now we have to wait another 30 - 45 minutes. What gives?

14: Number of summer days before I got sunburned. Ironically, it was not on the boat. I was smart enough to spray 50 SPF all over myself before heading out. No, this happened while I was giving our cars the annual winter clean out. Washing, vacuuming, etc. Didn't realize how much time I spent in the sun and now I'm red as a well cooked lobster. Let's just say my top doesn't have as much coverage as it used to.

15: Work days left before I take my first summer vacation. Unfortunately it will be to better myself through education which (hopefully) will land be a better job. At least I'll be out of the office.

16.5: Number of hours I worked last Wednesday. It culminated with me climbing into a ceiling to determine why a wireless access point wasn't working. Oh, and the air conditioning in the building was shut down at 6 pm which meant it was approximately 125 degrees when I was doing this.

21.1: Inches of rain (exaggerated approximation) that fell in the three days I was in Florida. Most of that was one hellacious thunderstorm that was so torrential, I could see it coming across the parking lot. Just a wall of water advancing towards me as I considered my options: Chance it and hope I get to the car before it got to me or stay in the store and wait it out. I chose to wait it out but had to sprint through it anyway as I realized it wasn't going to end anytime soon. I started carrying an umbrella everywhere I went after that. Even if the sun was shining so brightly I could barely see.

33: Beers consumed since Friday afternoon. Also the number of years I've been abusing my liver and kidneys. Poor organ bastards.

35: Approximate number of times my boys heard the F word while I was listening to the Beastie Boys around them. Whatever. Can't protect them forever. Chances are they've heard it many times from my mouth already.

39: Hours it took my boys to finish their first Captain Coolatta from Dunkin Donuts. The things are so massive they won't even fit in a standard cup holder.

50: Hours of work I have to do this week. That's not approximate, either. That's a low ball estimate. 50 hours in four days. No wonder I had 33 beers this past weekend.

65: Days left until school starts again. I'm enjoying not having to make lunches and drag the boys out of bed. Just having to worry about getting myself ready in the morning is like a vacation in and of itself.

100: Number of hours my 11 year old has spent playing Call of Duty: Black Ops since he got it for his birthday. I must admit, it's thoroughly addicting.

112: Number of days since the NFL lockout began and - frankly - I'm starting to freak out. Get this done, NFLers. This is fucking ridiculous!! Nine billion is the (rough) estimate in the amount of revenue you're bickering over. There's plenty to go around.

364: Days that have passed since I was luxuriating on Grand Cayman. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do and sobbing to suppress.

Today's distraction: Statistical evidence on why I drink. Not added is 'Because it's yummy'.

Sweet Victory

2011-06-27T13:24:00.000-04:00

It's really too bad we haven't invented a 'scratch and sniff' internet, yet.*

For if there was, this entry would smell like VICTORY!

Remember that little rant a few weeks back about the one way street? As of Friday that sign was down and things are back to normal. Gone are the 150 cars cutting through my street every morning, my reasonable concern that my boys were going to get pancaked riding their bikes, and my - until recently - untapped rage.

Thanks to every resident on our street, the street opposite ours and 100 strangers who stopped to ask, in essence, 'what the fuck?', the city decided 'screw it, let's just take it down and get on with our lives.'

I celebrated with a twelve pack and nice, fat cigar. Or, as I call it, Friday night.

Since I'm in a good mood, here are some other thoughts to pass the time.

- My whirlwind U.S. tour continues. Tomorrow I head to Jacksonville for the rest of the week. This trip was unplanned and last minute as another worker bailed on the project. On the bright side I get more Marriott reward points and it will be 100 degrees and humid. Can't wait! You'll notice I don't get these trips in December. Only in late June will they send me down there. Bastards!

- On the other hand, I'll bet there will be some cute girls wearing skimpy summer dresses...so.....fuck...I can see that here now. I can't think of one positive thing regarding this trip. I keep trying, too. Anyone been to Jacksonville? Do I have anything to look forward to? Besides daily thunderstorms?

- Interesting take on sequels with 'Predators' which I watched over the weekend. If you liked the first one, you'll enjoy this. Paced like a bullet train (it opens with a character in free fall) and has one of the more enjoyable and unexpected cameos in recent memory. What's interesting is this is the movie that seems like it's a direct sequel to the Schwarzenegger original. While 'Predator 2' wasn't terrible, it really had nothing to do with the first (other than the alien). I'm pretending the 'Alien vs Predator' movies don't exist, if you're wondering. This is the role, Adrian Brody was meant for, by the way. Ruthlessly efficient, intelligent, and devoid of human emotion. Could be a great bad guy if he wanted.

- 11 year old had his 'moving on' ceremony from grammar school last week. He's heading to middle school in September which makes me feel decrepit. He was one of the handful of students who has perfect attendance. Part of me was a bit disappointed since I offered to have him play hooky with me a couple of days this year and he declined. That's right, a kid of mine refused to take a day off from school to do nothing. WTF???

- I think part of the reason he enjoys school so much is he has an adorable, blond teacher. So his priorities are in the right place, at least.

- Meanwhile, 6 year old is ready to start first grade. He was actually upset when I told him he would have to wait until September. I don't know who's kids these are.

- The entire 'globalization' of our company has hit a snag. Seems one part of outsourcing our support system was over looked. To make a long story short, I don't think anybody considered the possibility that the people we outsource to are complete and total idiots. I asked a friend in HQ what the contingency plan was if the first step of this new model fails and his response was 'I really don't think there is one'. Fucking great! Needless to say, stage two has been put on hold indefinitely.

Some musical thoughts:

Arctic Monkeys - Suck It And See: After the neutering they apparently went through while recording 'Humbug' it's nice to see they get back to the basics. There is more than a hint of old fashioned, 60's rock and roll here but it's got 21st century lyrical sensibilities. That would include lines like 'Topless models - doing semaphore - waves their flags as she walks by - and get ignored'.

Don't Sit Down Cause I've Moved Your Chair. Really? 'Go into business with a grizzly bear' is one of the lines in this song.

Guano Apes - Bel Air: Remember when No Doubt was hardcore and unapologetic about it? That's where the Guano Apes are now. Jagged, experimental, and melodic with a Stefani like lead singer. I've heard that these guys joined forces after being kicked off Germany's version of 'X Factor'. No idea if it's true, but it makes a good story.

Check out Sunday Lover for a sample.

Beastie Boys - Hot Sauce Committee Part Two: I don't care what comes out the rest of 2011, there will not be a funkier, more entertaining release than this one. Astounding that nearly 30 years after they barged onto the scene with 'one hit wonder' written all over them, the Boys put out the best album of their career.

What could be my favorite song of the year.

Cave In - White Silence: Cave In has always been uncompromising in their music. They make it for themselves and if you like it, great. If not, move along and find something else. This release is no different; splitting time between some of the hardest, most ear splitting music so far this year and attempts at finding mainstream, pop acceptance. Which begs the question, if you make music for nobody and everybody, who is going to buy it? Other than freaks like me, that is.

White Silence - listen at your own risk. Seriously.

Elbow - Build a Rocket Boys: Nowhere near as good as their last release and they move closer to some sort of cabaret-ish, adult alternative, but it's enjoyable nonetheless. Not a ringing endorsement, I know, but still better than a lot of the rubbish out there.

Live version of 'Lippy Kids' I think it's live, anyway. Sounds suspiciously like the version on the album.

Pains of Being Pure At Heart - Belong: Glossier, poppier and not nearly as good as their debut. Still some great songs on here, but a bit of a disappointment.

Here's a live version of Belong. See what I mean? This version sounds better than the album version because it's raw and unpolished.

Parts and Labor - Constant Future: Industrial, quirky, and hugely enjoyable. I've heard of these guys for years, but never HEARD them until recently.

Rest, will ya? This should put you in a good mood for the rest of the day.

Rival Sons - Pressure & Time: Gritty, shit kicking, southern rock makes a comeback. I should give credit to Kid Rock, I suppose, for proving Lynyrd Skynyrd and Thin Lizzie are timeless and still marketable. Besides, I'm a sucker for a good band name.

Check out the throw back Zepplin

TV On The Radio - Nine Types of Light: Brilliant, sporadic band pulls everything together for their third - and best - release. Pity that this marks the swan song of their bassist who died of lung cancer last month.

Enjoy their Second Song. Let this one percolate for a few minutes before making a decision.

We're Not Afraid - Adventures in Poverty: Punk band who is trying to bring the art of guitar solos back to the mainstream. The guitar work provides for the song, though, not the other way around.

Take a listen to Back to Life to get a taste.

Ok, back to work. Enjoy the tunes and I'll pass along my thoughts on Jacksonville as soon as I can. I'm guessing the term 'Hellishly Hot' will be involved.

Today's distraction: For those of you in other parts of the country that haven't been living the Whitey Bulger saga for the past 25 years, here is a quick run down of the people involved. Say what you will about Whitey, but he played both sides of this debacle perfectly and managed to escape capture despite living in the same apartment for the past 15 years. He could be a criminal genius.

* This was a joke. The thought of a scratch and sniff internet repulses me to the fiber of my being. Things are disgusting enough online without having scents to go with it.

Party City

2011-06-16T14:27:00.001-04:00

Today is my oldest son's eleventh birthday. That's right, DA. Make you feel old? You can imagine how I feel.
Since he's been born, Boston has celebrated the following:

3 Patriot's Super Bowl wins.
2 Red Sox Championships
1 Celtic Championship
and now 1 Bruins Stanley Cup.

I mean....holy shit. I told him this morning, 'Since you've been born every Boston team has won a championship. Enjoy this! You may never see it again.'

While the rest of you think we're spoiled here, let me assure you we (or most of us, anyway) are not taking this for granted. We come from a city that knows good times come and go and to appreciate any success when we have it.

I should point out that I'm not even a hockey fan. While I find playoff hockey much more enjoyable than the regular season slogfests, I am not a regular viewer. I probably wouldn't know any of the Bruins if they walked by me in the street. Well, Tim Thomas and Chara, but none of the others. Still, I'm glad Boston now has a recent grand slam of trophies to parade around.

Suggestion for T-Shirt makers: I want a shirt that has all four major trophies on it with the phrase 'decade of dominance' or something equally clever and inaccurate on it. On the back can be the list of Boston championships since 2001. No need to cut me in on the proceeds. Just send me a free one as a thank you.

While we're on the subject, I was going to feel bad for the Cancuck fans until they started destroying their own city following last night's game. Way to erode any good will towards yourselves, fucking assholes. I thought Canadians were supposed to be courteous and kind. Who knew they were hooligans.

Onto other thoughts:

- Strange fellowships are often forged at hotel bars across the country. Traveling business men are often left with little to do than hit the lobby and watch whatever sporting event is showing. In Minnesota it was the NCAA tourney. Last week in Chicago it was Game 5 of the Dallas - Heat series. Everyone - yes, every single person at the bar - was rooting for Dallas. In short the opinion was 'Fuck the Heat!'. When Dallas pulled it out in the end (that's what she said) you would have thought we were in a Dallas hotel. Everyone was going nuts.

During the course of the game I talked to a chef from New Orleans, a salesman from Baltimore, a project manager from Chicago, and a Phd in quantum physics from Oklahoma City. The chef and Phd and myself talked until midnight. The topic? Why venture capitalism, of course! Turns out Mr. Phd had invented a self grading software system specifically for quantum physics classes. He was traveling the country trying to sell it to colleges and had just secured a cool million dollars in capital.

Needless to say, he bought us two shots of Jack Daniels each. Great guy. Don't believe the stereotypes; this guy was friendly, down to earth and funny.

- When I learned the chef was, you know, a chef I told him he had the same look as another chef I know. Shaved head, small patch of facial hair, two large earrings in both ears. Phd looks at him and says 'You know, now that you mention it I know a chef who has that look, as well.' Chef responds, 'It's part of our initiation. You don't look good like this, you can't become a chef'. I will assume he was kidding.

- I haven't finished Season One of The Wire, yet, but there is a very good reason for that: I've watched the first five episodes and thought 'Fuck renting this, I need to buy this entire series'. I'm working on that now.

- Started watching 'Chloe' on Starz the other night, got halfway through and - despite the potential for lesbian sex - realized I had no interest in how the story turned out or any sex scenes. Yes, I was that bored by the entire thing. In fact, I was so sure where this movie was headed, I'm going to guess the last half. If any of you have seen it, let me know how accurate I am. I saw up until the part where Julianne Moore's character meets the hot blond in the hotel room, sees her naked then leaves.

Here's how I figure the rest: Hot blond is lying about the husband. She really had no affair with him and actually has the hots for Moore's character. Moore's character submits to lesbian sex and blond hooker chick then becomes Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Am I close? Does Liam Neeson (yeah, he's in this too) kill blond hooker chick at the end? Or....let's see how good I am...does Moore's character kill hooker chick with the same hair barrette thing that was given to her as a gift? That silver hair thing we see at the beginning?

Although, if hooker chick dies at the end, how do they explain her voice over at the beginning of the film? Shit, maybe I'm totally off, but I'm betting the movie doesn't care about such consistencies.

How did I do?

- FYI: Summer television sucks. That I'm kind of into 'America's Got Talent' should ring all sorts of alarm bells up and down the east coast.

- Any John Sandford fans out there should know the new 'Buried Prey' is fantastic. I will say no more, but we should talk when you get finished.

- My youngest son just made me the best Father's Day card ever. On the front is a picture of the outside of a building with 'Happy Father's Day' written in crayon. Open it and there is a hand drawn picture of me and him holding hands while standing next to a red car. I ask 'What are we doing?' and he replies, 'I'm taking you to buy a Ferrari!'

Man alive. If only!

Back to work. Thanks for listening.

Today's distraction: A totally unbiased essay on the Bruins' win. I'm liking Grantland for the most part (esp the Klosterman articles), but you can tell it's a work in progress. Heading in the right direction which is a very good sign.

Two Things

2011-06-08T09:26:00.000-04:00

Two quick items whilst I wait for my flight to board.

1: Our neighborhood is in the middle of a Battle Royale. Last Friday when everyone was at work, they made the street one over from ours one way.

I left for work and everything was normal. I come back and the street is now a Do Not Enter. Big deal, you say? Yes. See, there were no meetings about it, there were no notifications, there were no discussions or debates.

Apparently, there is a local police officer living on that street and he took it upon himself to get this done. The other problem is that now all of the traffic that usually went up that one way street is being diverted onto our street. I've seen more cars pass by my house in the past four days than I have the entire 15 years I've lived there.

I'm pissed. My boys enjoy playing down by the circle and now I'm concerned they're going to get creamed by one of the cars that can no longer go up that other street. Basically this dipshit has taken his issue (cars on his street) and made it ours. In short, fuck that. We've signed petitions, everyone has called city hall and now the Chief of Police is directly involved. They've had so many complaints I wouldn't be surprised if the signs were down before I get back from my trip.

Which brings me to...

2: I'm heading to Chicago again. Kos, let me know if you want to meet up for beers either tonight or Thursday.

That's it for now. Later.

Plethora of Thoughts

2011-06-01T11:54:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite, random, nonsensical moments in a movie occurred in 'The Three Amigos' when the head of the bandits - El Guapo - asks his right hand man, 'Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?' The dim witted right hand man answers 'yes, yes you have a plethora!'.

This leads to El Guapo questioning if his right hand man (was his name Jeffe or something?) knows what 'plethora' means. Jeffe admits he does not which sets El Guapo into a rage and leads to Jeffe offering 'I think perhaps you are angry at something else and taking it out on me'. I need to watch that movie again. It's been a long time.

Here are a plethora of thoughts since last we chatted.

- The weather pattern in Boston the last few years now looks like this: Winter - sort of Spring in which it rains for three weeks straight, never gets above 50, reminds everyone of Seattle until suddenly - SUMMER. Spring doesn't exist around here any longer.

- June is - by far - my favorite month of the year. Beautiful weather, school lets out (which makes my life much easier), Father's Day, eldest's birthday, cookouts, fun and sun. Need I say more?

- My neighbor told me last year that if I ever wanted to trim back some branches from the trees on his land (but over hang my yard) that I could feel free. Well, last Saturday I noticed neither car was in their driveway and I took full advantage. Gone are several small (20 feet or shorter) trees and many branches that kept dropping shit in my yard.

- For the record, my least favorite tree is the Oak. It drops acorns in the fall, looks ugly and sheds these annoying, stringy yellow things all over the place in the spring. Really, there is no good time of the year for an Oak. Other then February.

- Took the boys to see 'Thor' over the long weekend. Much more enjoyable than I expected. Some very funny moments and it was refreshing to see a superhero learn humility. Why Natalie Portman was in it remains a mystery.

- The Foo Fighers have remained a source of great personal frustration for me in the past decade. Their 'Color and the Shape' remains one of my favorite rock albums of all time, but they've rarely strayed outside the mainstream since then. That they're still labeled an 'alternative' band seems more of a nod to Grohl's Nirvana origins than the music the Foo Fighters actually produce. There are moments on all of their albums that hint at what could be. Frankly - at this point in their careers - I had given up hope. I'm wrong again. 'Wasting Light' is their hardest rocking release so far. I even hear hints of 'Queens of the Stone Age' in here which may be Josh Homme's influence from 'Them Crooked Vultures'.

Or maybe Grohl is just pissed off again. He always seems to make his best music when he's in pain.

- I'm putting this up for vote. Do I finish watching the rest of the DVRed 'Chicago Code' episodes now that the show has been canceled? Have 3 or 4 left to get through, but not sure it's worth my time.

- I was just reminded that today is my 10 year anniversary with my current employer. I was reminded when a big magazine showed up with gift options to choose from. Here are my options (I'm eliminating the girly stuff like pots and pans and jewelry):

Megellan GPS System
Six inch LCD TV
14 MP digital camera
DeWalt 12 volt cordless drill (I'm shocked how much this appeals to me)
Maui Jim 'Stingray' Sunglasses (I wear nothing but Maui Jim's, btw)
Seiko Watch (don't wear a watch)
Poulan Pro leaf blower
26 inch Huffy Mountain Bike (nice, but it's a friggin' Huffy)
Sony Mini Hi Fi iPod System
HD Digital Camcorder
Haler Beer Cooler (like a mini fridge)
Bushnell telescope (boys would LOVE this)
Blu-Ray Player
Exercise Bike
Magellan Portable GPS
Air conditioner
Coffee Maker (really nice one, dual pot holders, espresso maker, etc)
More watches
Wine Cabinet
Golf clubs (don't golf)
Another beer fridge only for wine but I would totally use it for beer if I got it.

And finally, what could be the winner

Coby Touchscreen Tablet (comes with Android OS)

There's also a bread maker, but fuck that.

- I have a coworker who has an extremely annoying habit of acting like something is an emergency, IMing me with 'OMG, can I call you?', I reply with Sure and she takes forever to call. I'm waiting right now. IM when you're ready to talk and not a second before that, will ya? And I promise this isn't even that important. I have gifts to pick, dammit!!

- It's looking like Miami is going to win the title with the three sell outs. Well, two plus the one that was already there. Like Cleveland hasn't been tortured enough.

- I should point out that Miami winning it all disproves once and for all the existence of any karma gods. After LeBron leaving a team and city (his HOME city, no less) in ruins and that disgusting, over the top introduction karma would have broken one of their legs or humiliated them in some public, painful fashion. Instead they'll be spraying champagne all over each other while Miami goes back to sunbathing and living the rich life. Fuckers.

- Coworker finally called to tell me nothing of significance.

- Bruins are in the Stanley Cup finals which I enjoyed for the sole reason of winning a bet with my friend from Tampa. She now needs to keep the Bruins logo attached to her email signature for the rest of the week. Pity I didn't realize this would be a short week.

- Was downloading some tunes yesterday when my computer screen flashed, all the icons on the desktop disappeared and my downloading errored out. I went into my music folder and EVERYTHING was gone. Every single music file was wiped off the face of the earth. I attempted a system restore, which returned the folders but not the music. Fortunately I back things up and spent approximately 4 hours restoring everything. What a joke. Now I have to recreate my Playlists which only took me 5 days last time. Fuck me!

Work is pulling me away again. I really need to quit so I can write more, but then my house would be in foreclosure, my kids would be homeless and I wouldn't have internet access. Defeats the purpose.

Today's distraction: Don't ever become Facebook friend's with Adam unless you have a good sense of humor about yourself.

Penis Power!

2011-05-18T15:25:00.001-04:00

Most of my days wind down when I make the boys take baths and/or showers. Ten year old takes care of himself although I'm a bit concerned he's turning into a metro. He asked for Axe Body Wash for Christmas and has been using it regularly

Fine. As long as he's clean and doesn't stink. I've already convinced him he should be using deodorant (which he puts on every morning) because he may hit puberty any second now and I REFUSE to have the kid that gets nicknamed 'Smelly' by his classmates!

My younger one requires work. He takes showers now (because big brother does), but he still doesn't have the concept of 'washing' down. He thinks if he rinses off, that's enough. I'm sure many of you reading this think the same.

His showers usually end up with me bending into the stall to wash him down or in the shower with him. I get soaked regardless. If I get in there with him it limits the water all over the floor when we're done. Why I feel I need to justify this to you in any way remains unclear. He's my kid and I'll do what I want. How's that?

Part of the joy of having boys (my joy, anyway) is the non stop questions regarding the penis, farts and women's boobs. What is the plural of penis? Penii? Penises? Neither sound right.

Anyway, here are a collection of penis related quotes from my youngest during bath time.

'Dad, look! I can make it dance!'

While drying himself off the towel touches his penis while flowing to the floor. 'I have the biggest penis in the universe!'

When done with the towel: 'I'm hanging my huge penis up so I don't have to carry it around. It's too heavy.'

While we're both drying off: 'Dad, how come you have a BIG HUGE penis (his hands stretch from his head to the floor) while I have a (voice rising in pitch) teeny tiny one?'

Note: My penis is not huge by any stretch of the imagination and I had to explain that his would grow along with the rest of his body. He seemed slightly mortified by that concept. Even more so when I explained he would get hair, as well.

'Why doesn't Mommy have a penis? She just has a hairy boob down there.' I couldn't correct him because I was laughing too hard.

Lastly, what has become my new battle cry.

Both boys have a habit of grabbing their clothes and dashing downstairs so they can streak through the house yelling 'IT'S NAKED BOY!'

Last weekend I asked them 'What is naked boy's super power?' Youngest, without missing a beat, points his penis at me and says 'It's PENIS POWER' and makes the PSSSHHHHHH peeing sound.

Nailed it.

Penis power indeed!

Today's distraction: Five things you didn't know (and probably didn't want to know) about the penis. Safe for work, by the way.

TV Land

2011-05-17T15:25:00.000-04:00

Some (very) quick thoughts from the Land of Paradi...er...television. Work is killing me so let's get right to this.

- One of my favorite people ever has asked - no...DEMANDED - I start watching 'The Wire'. Since I do whatever hot blondes tell me to do (and I trust her opinion) I've Netflixed Season One and have been totally hooked. Only three episodes in with 4 - 6 at my house now and am debating posting some thoughts as I get through each season.

Tough to write about a show already so complicated it's tough to keep track of all the characters, but I think I can pull it off. Hell, if I can get through 'Lost' I can figure this show out.

I hope.

Quick Sidenote: Netflix has become such a success it's now a verb. As in 'You'll love that movie! Netflix it and let me know what you think.'

- I've talked non stop about 'The Good Wife' so I won't bore you. Instead I'll have a professional do the job for me. Might be some spoilers in here, but I wanted proof I'm not the only one hooked on this show. If you haven't started in, tonight is the perfect time to do so. You can catch up with Season One over the summer. Thank me later.

- Anyone else see that gruesome episode of 'House' last night? Holy shit! We always knew House was a bit of a lunatic, but operating on his own leg in the bathtub hit new levels of insanity. I'm not even a squeamish person, but that had me twisting in my seat.

- On a related note, I hate Olivia Wilde's new haircut. Her and Chase are going to get it on very soon.

- Read that Cuddy is not coming back next season. That's always a good career move: leave a hit TV show to pursue other possibilities. It's worked so well in the past.

- A bit disappointed 'The Chicago Code' has been canceled. Very well done, although it needed to lighten up a bit. I wonder if the cost of filming in Chicago was one of the reasons for it's departure.

- 'Detroit 187' has also been canceled. Apparently viewers don't have a fondness for one note, murder detectives in blue collar cities. Go figure.

- One of the 'Criminal Minds' got canceled, too. By my count that only leaves 21 'Law and Order', 'CSI', 'NCIS' and 'Criminal Mind' shows left.

- I don't watch 'Castle' and probably never will, but several coworkers were buzzing about last night's season finale. In case you had any interest.

- Great to see 'The Office' get back to it's strengths with last week's Dwight vs Jim managerial show down. Always enjoyed those two battling. Even when Jim loses (like the snowball fight) I get a laugh out of them.

- Whoever recommended 'Parks and Recreations' to me, I owe you many thanks (Jum?). I'm still getting caught up with the characters, but there are 2 - 3 laugh out loud moments an episode. Highlight so far was the 'snake oil' episode. 'What, exactly, is in snake oil?'

Ok, back to work. I've got some stories to pass along from my New York trip, but I don't have time today. Soon!!

Today's distraction: A sneak peak at ABC's fall schedule. It includes - I shit you not - a new 'Charlie's Angels'. I do believe this signals the official bankruptcy of original ideas in Hollywood.

Aging Process

2011-05-05T15:29:00.000-04:00

My (at the time) nine year old looks at me across the dinner table and asks, in all seriousness, 'Dad, when did you start going bald?'

While Wifey is laughing I answer him with a question of my own: 'How old are you?'

Even at nine years he gets the point and exclaims 'Hey!', pretending to be insulted.

Only I wasn't kidding (that much). Becoming a parent has taken a toll on me.  For the past ten years I've aged more than the previous 30 years combined. It's like becoming President - you age in dog years.  I don't know how my parents managed five kids without turning to dust in front of our eyes.

If you have kids you know what I mean. You start forgetting the names of your good friends. You walk into a room, look around and completely forget why you entered in the first place. Instead of your favorite Rolling Stones song, that fucking alien Elmo's voice is bouncing around in your decaying skull.

Take solace, my child ridden friends, for we have answers. As always, science is here to help explain away our dementia. It turns out that people who get fewer than seven hours of sleep a night have 'faster aging brains'. Yay!

So, when you have to get up at 11pm, then 3 am, then 6 am because that goddamn baby needs to eat ALL THE FUCKING TIME your brain is aging more rapidly than that childless, lucky son of a bitch snoring away in his penthouse apartment. Most likely there is a super model next to him, too. That fucker! Quoth the study from Sleep magazine, poor sleepers 'cognitive function is on par with someone who 's three to seven years older'.

Want proof? Tom Brady! He had a kid last season and fell apart immediately in the playoffs. Would that have happened before the baby? Hell, no! He would have ripped the Jets apart and won Super Bowl number 4 for the Pats. Stupid kid!

What's strange is this same study found the same mental deterioration in people who sleep MORE than nine hours a night. Although, that certainly explains waking up after twelve hours of sleep feeling out of sorts and discombobulated. I always thought it was the 20 beers I drank the night before.

So, the sweet spot is between seven and eight hours. Basically what we've been told since we were kids.

I would argue that it's not just your brain that ages.  Take a look at your friends that don't have kids. They still look great! Unless they were fugly to begin with. Having kids doesn't just age your brain, it ages every part of you in fast motion. Sure, it probably all relates to lack of sleep, but it's not just the brain we worry about. Look at 10, who hasn't written in 5 months since the birth of his first child. Hell, he may be institutionalized for all we know. At the very least, his mental capacity has aged three to seven years in the past year. That's not good.

Thankfully, my boys are at the age now where they can get up in the morning while I sleep in. I will admit my brain does seem better and I'm more alert and sharp than I was four years ago. I wonder if your brain repairs itself from those early childhood years? Or does that damage remain for the rest of your life?

Because I still have nights like last where six year old sprints into our bed in the middle of the night due to a nightmare or because he's cold or he just can't fall asleep.

Let's just hope he isn't damaging my mental faculties because of some crazy dream.

Sidenote: Son's crazy dream was explained to me like this: 'Dad, remember that movie when the ghost stole the car and was getting chased by the police? That was my nightmare. The ghost wound up crashing into a wall and disappearing.'

My response: 'First, the only movie that exists like that is in your head. Although, it does sound AWESOME! Second, if there was such a movie I would never let someone as young as you watch it. It sounds a lot like 'Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit' only with a ghost driver.'

Second son, listening to this exchange: 'Wait, how would a ghost drive? Wouldn't his hands go through the wheel? Could he even sit on the seat? I thought ghosts float through things...'

Youngest son: 'Whatever, it was just a dream. Do we have any Corn Pops left?'

Today's distraction: Find out if you're a 'Sleep Slouch'. I most definitely am.

This 'N That

2011-05-03T18:09:00.001-04:00

How has there not been a convenience store chain named 'This N That', yet?

Whoops, getting ahead of myself.

A few random thoughts while I recover from a marathon card game Saturday night. Yes, I'm still recovering. I'm old and tired and shouldn't be doing that shit any more. It was fun, though.

Off we go.

- Obama got Osama. Can we get a rap song with that title? What I understand even less is what the fuck we're still doing in Iran and Afghanistan?  Bin laden wasn't in either of those countries. Even worse he wasn't hiding out in a nasty cave in some god forsaken, freezing cold mountain. He was hanging with his buds in a compound that I'm pretty sure was built by Osama himself. I'll bet it has AC and a kicking sound system with prostitutes coming and going all hours of the night. I'm picturing a Miami Vice like drug lord mansion. It was probably closer to Saddam's spider hole, though.

- I would have loved for Obama to take his birth certificate and wiped Trump's ass with it immediately following his announcement about Bin Laden. How was that still a story? I realize Trump is basically a clown and/or used car salesman, but even he had to realize that Obama would never have been allowed to run for ANY public office, never mind be elected President, without some basic background checks. Further proof that Republicans are catering to the lunatic fringe. Trump never believed anything he said about Obama's birth certificate, he just wanted to gain support from the loonies in the boonies.

It worked, too. Sad.

- Let's get back to why our country is in two wars when it's apparent we had no reason to go into either country in the first place. Iran did not have WMDs yet we're paying that bill with billions of dollars, blown off limbs and thousands of lives. Afghanistan was (possibly) a logical place to look for Bin Laden, but he's not there. Let's get out! What's the hold up? 'We found what we were looking for, folks! Peace out!'

- I should point out that Bush's 'Shock and Awe' campaign was more expensive and less effective (not too mention more uselessly lethal) than simply using intelligence to find bin Laden and sending in a single elite troop to take care of business. While I'm no Obama fan (yet), Bush's Presidency could soon be considered one of the more disastrous in the history of our country.  Quick check list: Unwarranted war? Check. Economy in ruin? Check.  Outright lying to the American people? Check. Lying to UN? Check.  Nearly choking to death on pretzel in Cheney's last ditch attempt to become King of America? Check.

- I was proud of myself Saturday night. Not only did I stay awake until 2:30 am (nearly 3!!) but I pulled a vintage drinking performance out of my ass (not literally). Twelve beers consumed. Totally sober, no hangover. And I didn't even have a proper dinner. I rocked it!

- Oh, the first seasonal cigar was enjoyed.

- Ice coffee season was officially kicked off last week in BeachBum World. I now stop for a BAMF (Big Ass Mother Fucka for those just joining) at Dunkin Donuts every morning.

- I really should develop a BeachBum World. Like Disney only with no annoying cartoon characters, hundreds of different beers, topless waitresses and, of course, beautiful beaches for miles. Any real estate tycoons reading willing to donate their beach front property for beta testing purposes?

- I wonder if Paul Pierce would have been kicked out of Game 1 if it were anyone but Dwayne Wade he was setting a pick on?

- While we're here, Ainge is looking like a genius for the Perkins trade. His reasoning was the Celtics wouldn't need a defensive big man because Orlando wasn't going to be a threat in the Eastern conference. He instead wanted another swing man (small/big forward) to help defend against LeBron/Wade. The only problem being the Celtics have yet to beat the Heat since Perkins has left. Details.

- Red Sox are looking better, but they really need to develop some sort of personality. I'm hoping the Crawford walk off hit will loosen them up so they can start having some fun. Right now they're robotic and business like.

- Breaking news has it that bin Laden was not armed when the Navy Seals shot him. To which I ask 'Who cares?'

- One final bin Laden thought: While I understand why the Navy buried bin Laden at sea (or so they say...) in accordance with Muslim edicts, a part of me wanted them to drag his body around like 'Weekend At Bernie's'. Have him partying it up with bikini clad hotties, forcing beer funnels into him, taking his lifeless body water skiing and bouncing it off buoys and docks.

After all, thousands of 9/11 victims never receive a proper burial. Why should he?

Today's distraction: Meet the 2011 Patriot cheerleaders. My gift to you. Let's hope we see them on time and on the field. This stupid lockout is pissing me off.

Nirvana

2011-04-27T14:40:00.001-04:00

Just so nobody calls missing persons, I may be gone for a few weeks.

I suppose there is commentary to be made about the state of America when a beer shop replaces a book store, but I'm way too giddy to even consider it.

See you there!

Family Work

2011-04-26T16:04:00.000-04:00

Why hello again.

C, did I miss your visit? Or is it this coming weekend? I do believe I missed it, but hopefully you'll be back soon. I have a plan to make things easier to keep in touch, as well, but I'll save that for the end.

For the first time ever, I just took my family on a business trip with me. While they seemed to have a blast touring the Washington, DC area, I will NOT be doing that again.

It wasn't terrible - just exhausting. I may give the impression I am a slacker (and to an extent, I try to be) but the truth is I bust my ass while working. During usual trips I can work 10 hours, have a quiet dinner, be asleep by 9 and up again early to do it all over again.

Here's how my schedule looked last week:

6:30 am - Rise, shower, dress all while trying to keep quiet enough not to wake the other three still snoring away. Ever try to get dress in semi dark? Or brush your teeth quietly?

7 am - Sneak out of the room (quietly closing the door, of course) for some free coffee and quiet time in the lobby of he hotel.

7:30 am - head to the DC office for work.

10 am - Wifey texts me telling me she's taking the boys to one of the following: Zoo, Spy Museum, Aquarium, Double Decker Bus Tour, Wax Museum.

Between noon and 1pm - Head to lunch

2 pm - Wifey texts me to ask what time I will be back at the hotel.

2:01 pm - I reply with 'No idea. Project just got underway. Don't wait for me if you want to eat dinner.'

2:05 pm - Wifey texts me with 'Boys really want to have dinner with you tonight'

2:05:30 pm - I curse to my coworker how Wifey thinks this is my vacation, as well, and now I'm under the added pressure of time constraints.

2:06 pm - Text Wifey that I'll have a better idea of time around 5 pm

4:59 pm - Wifey texts with 'When will you be out?'

5:00 pm - I bash my head against the nearest wall.

Look, I get it. She's been with the boys all day and needed a break, blah blah blah. But I had warned her that I was going to be working. This was her vacation, not mine. She said she understood, but apparently it didn't sink in those first two days.

By day three she understood. I left the room at 6:30 and didn't get back until nearly 9 at which point I fell nearly instantly asleep while the boys were still jumping up and down on the bed next to me. I didn't even eat dinner.

Three positives of the trip:

1: The boys immersed themselves in our nation's capital and fell in love with it. They were so ready to move down there they were willing to give up their friends and grandparents. That was until they realized that we wouldn't actually be living at the hotel and they could not swim nor have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast every day.

2: Learning the boys can handle a 10 hour car ride. We drove from Boston to DC and they were fantastic the entire time. Sure we had to stop so often for bathroom breaks it added an extra hour to the ride and I considered having them pee in a bottle for the last half, but we know they can do it. I'm betting the portable DVD player helped a lot.

3: Wifey finally has a glimpse into what I do when I go on trips. I suspect she thought it was all fun and games until I came back completely wiped out while having to get up super early the next day to do it all over again. These projects cram two weeks of work into one and there is pressure on getting everything done in the allotted time. Not exactly a party. Sure, we get to have dinner now and then, but it's 90% work. Here's hoping she understands that after ten years.

Final DC thought: In case you thought I was exaggerating about my love and obsession with beer the idea of driving down stemmed from my desire to pack my car up with Yuengling beer so I could bring it home with me. I'm not even kidding. When Wifey found out the trip coincided with her vacation she suggested them coming down with me.

I drank Yuengling every chance I got and brought three cases back to Boston.

Onto another topic. You may have noticed my not posting much here lately and there is a simple reason for that: I haven't had much inspiration to write. I've even considered shutting this down out of boredom. So, I figured, either I end it or go all in and mix things up.

I went with the former. Beginning today I have a new email address: beachbumdreams@gmail.com. Feel free to send suggestions, tips, distractions, insults, whatever (no spam or stupid chain emails, though). I'm looking for any and all ideas. I know some people read but don't feel comfortable leaving comments so I thought some people would be more at ease with email.

I won't publish or use anyone's name without asking first, so don't be afraid of my outing you on the internet.

Also, I figured this would be a perfect way for internet friends to keep in touch without sacrificing my privacy (of which I'm borderline obsessive about). Drop a line for any reason.

I know, C, too late. Sorry.

Until next time.

Today's distraction: Browse America's oldest brewery shop and feel free to send me anything you deem appropriate for my beer soaked existence.

Piss Poor

2011-04-12T17:46:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been a while; I'm a fucking slacker; blah blah blah...

If you couldn't tell, I'm sporting a very bad attitude. I was hoping I could kick my ass out of this funk, but nothing (not even beer!) has worked. I figured venting here might help as it has in the past.

What brings on my piss poor view on life? Glad you asked (and if you didn't I know you really wanted to).

Reason #1: Wifey has a habit of kissing our boys on the mouth every night when they go to bed. Normally I'm fine with this, but during the cold and flu season I've asked her on several occasions to kiss them on the cheek instead. While I suspect I'm becoming a germaphobe there is a part of me that considers kissing your own mother on the mouth a bit...off. Sure, they're young, but when does it end?

Still, I can deal with my own misgivings regarding appropriate mother/son behavior as long as it doesn't go past first base. That's still first base, right? That hasn't suddenly leaped to blow jobs over the past decade?

What I have an issue with is Wifey getting sick, then handing that lovely virus on to the boys. At which point I become fully involved with late night comforting or having to stay home from work to watch them when they're too sick to go to school or any number of things that usually involve sick kids.

For my part I've kept to the 'just a hug' for the good night routine.

Care to guess how this has all turned out? Just as you would expect. Wifey and the two boys have passed along a cold/flu/scarlet fever/superbug hybrid virus that has made the house a living hell the past two weeks. Both boys are borderline asthmatic and any type of cold becomes cause for concern. Nebulizer treatments are needed three times a day, vapor baths to help clear their heads out, trips to CVS at midnight when we realize we're out of children's cold medicine. And you can imagine who the one heading out in the dead of night is.

Reason #2: The trickle down effect of the above scenario means my work load doubles. Since Wifey is sick I now need to get the boys dinner, clean up, get them ready for bed along with my usual duties of getting them up and dressed in the morning, making them breakfast (which, granted, usually means pouring them a bowl of cereal), making their lunches and dropping them off at school before even getting to work.

As I stress to Wifey: When one person in our house gets sick, it has an effect on everyone. Not just the person who is sick.

Reason #3: Between Wifey getting sick and taking nearly two weeks to fully recover (these viruses are becoming much more potent, I'm convinced) and the boys stealing sleep from me, I haven't had any in a while. And you know what I mean by 'any'. Let's not kid ourselves, that can take a toll. I'm having a hard time thinking straight and my fuse is whisker short.

Reason #4: My friend DA has not called me in a while. I'm still waiting to hear about Mexico. This is a test to see if she's still reading, for the record.

Reason #5: I was just finishing up this entry when the site crashed, wiping out nearly half my work.

Reason #6: For lack of a better phrase, I just got royally fucked over at work. Our department is in the process of 'transforming'. This apparently is the new word for 'outsourcing jobs to an external company'. We've known about it for a while and there have been positions open in the reorg - one of which I was interested in and supremely qualified for.

So qualified, in fact, that I've been doing the job for the past two years. I had officially entered my name for the spot, was given positive feedback from the higher ups and....

...nothing. I haven't heard a word in months. I figured the transition is still under way (we have a long way to go before this thing even starts) and didn't really give it much thought.

Until I get a call from my manager explaining that they gave the spot to another guy.

I know what you're thinking: 'So what? Happens all the time and I'm sure that other dude was just as qualified'. Oh, if only. I would not nearly be as livid as I am now. To put it in perspective, I've known about this for over a week and red still seeps into my vision when I think about it.

See, the guy they picked is a fucking disaster. His area is a mess, he's caused more problems than anyone in the field and....

...dramatic pause....

...he calls me when he has trouble. That's right. The idiot that contacts me to clean up his messes is getting the job over me.

If you know me at all (or even read here occasionally) I did not take this news well. Many F-Bombs were dropped. When asked for an explanation, my manager (who hasn't been my manager very long, mind you) stammered and stuttered and basically had no answer for me.

In short, they hired the guy I clean up after for the job I wanted (and, frankly, deserved) and there is no clear cut explanation why this decision was made.

You can see how this would bother me. I don't need to tell you that my work ethic has suffered a bit under the affliction commonly known as 'Fuck this place!' What's worse is I was finishing up a project that falls directly under what this new role is going to be doing. I had to slog through the rest of the project knowing it held no sway on my standing in a company I've worked nine years for.

As it stands now I have two projects to complete. One will be in DC next week, the other will be here. I already have a meeting scheduled for a recruiter to help me figure out the next step and a buddy of mine is trying to get me an interview at his company.

While I realize it is petty and childish of me, there is nothing I would like better than to give my notice before this transformation kicks off (I have two months). I would like to think that my manager would be shocked if I left. Sadly, I know this isn't the case. He barely knows me and it sure seems obvious they don't think they need me working here any longer. I actually think this helps them out; if I leave of my own accord they won't have to deal with me during the transformation.

Still, this smarts. Nothing says 'fuck off' better than busting your ass and getting no recognition or respect for your efforts.

For the time being I will wallow in my fuck my work-ness, go through the motions of my job, finish up the projects I need to and leave this place properly and professionally.

I will give one hell of an exit interview, though.

Today's distraction: Five corporate promotions that went wrong. And PREDICTABLY went wrong. I loved Cracked.com.

Filling in the Blanks

2011-03-28T14:53:00.000-04:00

I'm back from Minnesota and - as always happens when I fly - am now sick as a dog. I'm sure it didn't help that my coworker was hacking up a lung the entire week we were together. Thanks for nothing.

My trip home was torturous. Due to snow/sleet/rain storm in Boston, my flight was delayed for two and a half hours followed by another half hour sitting on the plane while the crew decided whether to wait for permission to leave or let us all off the plane again. On the bright side it was cramped, uncomfortable and I sat next to a man who insisted on talking to me despite my iPod blasting while I was also reading a book. This included him pointing out to me an ad for a new Volkswagen van that I could not give a shit nor a fuck about.

Thankfully I'm home now and recovering from a massive head cold that has left my nose red, raw and painfully clogged. If I could drill into my sinus cavity to relieve the pressure, I would. It's the first time I've ever related to the guy from 'Pi'. How's that for an obscure movie reference?

Let's get caught up with organized sections and everything.

A Comprehensive and Exhaustive List of Everything I Know About March Madness:

In My Defense: How many people had both Butler and VCU making the Final Four? Anyone? For the first time in over a decade I don't have one Final Four pick correct. Kansas was my last hope. Sorry, Jum.

Films I've Seen And Would Recommend: 'The Fighter' (what the fuck is going on here? Another great movie based in Massachusetts???!!!), 'Unstoppable', 'Battle Royale' (but only if you don't mind extreme violence) in which case see 'Primal', as well.

Film I Saw But Would Never Recommend: 'Grown Ups', which could be the worst movie I've seen in a very long time. Is Sandler even trying any more? Seemed like an excuse to hang out with his buds and get paid. Good for him, but don't subject the public to the results.

Reason for Optimism: Opening day in three days.

Reason for Pessimism #1: Rondo still pouting about the Perkins trade and now having a mysterious finger injury. In the meantime, Oklahoma City has gone 11-2 recently. Did Danny Ainge gift wrap a title for the Thunder?

Reason for Pessimism #2: Still no movement on the NFL lockout.

Fatherly Pride: My six year old has become obsessed with cars. For his birthday he asked for one thing and one thing only: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. Of course he got it and he'll spend as much time as he can trying to win new cars. Every now and then he'll excitedly bound out of the playroom to proclaim 'I just won the Bugatti police car!' before disappearing again.

I take him to Barnes and Noble on Sunday where he browses the kid section, finds nothing to his liking before heading to the car section. There, shining like a beacon calling to him, is a picture book of his favorite car - the Ford Mustang. He briefly flips through it, sees another book that has the Camaro, Charger and Mustang on it's cover and debates which one to buy. 'This one has the ALL OF THE MUSTANGS but this one has the Camaro and Charger, too, Dad. If this Mustang book has the GT in it...Oh, there it is. Ok, I'm getting this one'.

Standing to my left was a man in his 20s, staring - slack jawed - at my son.

The Competitive Juices Flow: Six year old comes out of the playroom after playing his new video game. He announces, 'I just won the Lamborghini!'   Ten year old jerks upright from his prone couch position, 'WHAT?! I haven't even got that, yet', runs to the XBox and spends the next 45 minutes matching his little brother.

Reason Number 343 Never To Trust A Rodent: It's fucking freezing in Boston today. Wind chill of about 10 degrees.  That stupid groundhog was wrong again.

Say What?: The Celtic dancers (nope, still doesn't sound right) have gone to China to promote the NBA. Here are some pics to prove that what the dancers are doing has absolutely nothing to do with the NBA. Now, if they're promoting exotic dancing...

Mathletes: It appears that even the smarty pants in our society can't agree on how to fix the economy except for one part - reduce defense spending. It amazes me we're spending billions upon billions with Lybia, Afghanistan and Iraq while internally bickering about collective bargaining agreements and low rent shit like the Head Start program. Why can't we take this economic crisis as an opportunity to tell the rest of the world 'Hey, we need to get our our shit together. We're scaling back our world wide wars and focusing on ourselves for a bit'? Is that unreasonable?

Fruit Loop: According to the smarty pants at the American Chemical Society, we may be using fruit soon to make cars. Apparently - and I'm taking their word for this - scientists in Brazil have found a way to make lighter weight, yet stronger automotive plastics from fruits like bananas and pineapples. Two thoughts here:

1: They have scientists in Brazil??

2: That bananas are the single largest export (other than spectacular breasts) from Brazil makes this study a bit biased, I think. I should note that I have no idea if bananas are Brazil's single largest export, but it feels right.

That's it for today. Work is calling again. Not sure how I've been roped into all these projects considering I'm inept and lazy, but it's happening.

Until next time.

Today's distraction: A fun chart of famous rock hair styles. Roll over the rows to get a better view.

Simply Madness

2011-03-19T13:03:00.000-04:00

Need to get an apology out of the way first.

To everyone in Big's Yahoo bracket, my sincerest apologies. Since I was headed to Minnesota for work on Wednesday followed by non stop work for 48 hours before I had a break (don't worry, I took time to check scores) I completely forgot to finish filling out my bracket.

Sadly, I didn't even realize it until today (11:41am Central Time) when I thought 'Hey, I should see how I'm doing in that' and found myself sitting in 16th place out of 15 teams (estimate). When I saw the big red 'Incomplete' notice I thought - and I quote - 'OH FUCK!'.

Yep, managed to get about a third of it done at the airport before my flight started boarding and never gave it a second thought. Fuck me!

Just keep in mind I would have wound up in at least 10th place had I finished things.

Some other thoughts while in Minny.

- Every third person I've met here has asked me this: 'So you're from Boston?' 'Yes, I am'. 'You enjoying Kevin Garnett?' This second question is asked with a bit of anger, like I personally kidnapped him from Minnesota and stuck him on the Celtics. I, of course, answer 'Oh, more than I ever would have thought!' and if I am in a particularly foul mood I add 'And Big Papi has been fun, too'.

Seems KG has left some scars behind in this area.

- Our company's downtown office looks over the new Target Field and it is a thing of beauty. Makes me crave Boston finally retiring Fenway and building us baseball fans a real park to sit in. The more I see of other parks, the more I hate Fenway.

- Had a fantastic meal at a place called Lurcat in downtown Minneapolis. Try the Spicy King Crab Cakes or Sea Bass if you stop by. Would also recommend the chocolate cream puffs filled with vanilla ice cream. Out of this world.

- Check out RedStone in Eden Prairie, as well. Great atmosphere with a HUGE bar area to hang out in. Had the cheeseburger sliders with fries and several local beers (Summit??) that were delicious.

- I introduced the locals here to my 'Beer O'Clock' habit and they were wholeheartedly behind the idea. Since it was a move weekend (we're physically moving the entire office to new digs) everyone was in jeans, sneakers, sporadically watching the Madness and were more than open sharing beers I stocked the fridge with. They even went out and got two more cases.

There's my legacy, folks; spreading alcoholism state by state.

- My theory of the generification of America has been confirmed again. The Mall of America supposedly is one of the great tourist attractions around here, yet they have the same exact stores we have in our malls back in Massachusetts. Sears? check. Nordstrom? check. Macy's? check. As I said to Wifey on the phone 'Plop a roller coaster and log ride in the middle of the Square One or Burlington Mall and we'd have a Mall of America, too!'

Driving around you see the same shops squatting in identical strip malls: There's a Starbucks, there's a Subway, over there is a Home Depot right next to a Target which is down the street from a Walmart which, in turn is down the street from a Walgreens which shares space with a Staples. I'm becoming more distressed that every city is no longer keeping an identity. Block the skyline from your line of sight and you would have a hard time telling where you were.

Fuck - enough of that. It's Madness time.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend. Go Jayhawks who I would have had as my champ had I finished filling out my stupid bracket.

God Complex

2011-03-10T14:12:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed many people walking around with dirt on their foreheads yesterday. This is because it was what members of the Cult of Catholicism call 'Ash Wednesday'. Although why rubbing dirt on your face makes you a good person is something I have never figured out. I rubbed dirt on my face many times during my childhood and it caused me nothing but grief from my parents.

What's so special about that dirt?

I arrive home last night and, before my coat is even off, am greeted with both my mother in law and wife chastising me for making turkey sandwiches for the boy's lunches.

I stare blankly at them.

'It's Ash Wednesday! We weren't supposed to eat meat!'

See there are other rules that come along with the dirt. Rules I often forget or, more likely, ignore completely. Supposedly nobody is supposed to eat meat. It used to be a fasting day, but when the health consequences of practicing starvation came to light the Catholic powers decided eliminating meat was a stringent enough substitute. God fearing members can safely gorge themselves on as many Twinkies as they please.

Although I'm pretty sure gluttony is one of the deadly sins. Kevin Spacey taught me that.

Catholics are also supposed to sacrifice something until Easter rolls around. 40 days and nights I believe is the timing of this. Funny how 40 seems to be the magic number for this religion. Was it Moses that led his people around the desert for 40 years. Noah built his ark when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. Is there some symbolism for the number 40 I'm unaware of?

Yeah, probably.

Usually Catholics will give up cookies or candy bars or (insanely) alcohol during this time. My son told me he was going to give up the XBox which made me laugh and laugh and laugh. He was playing the next day and said 'I'll think of something else'.

I have long taken the view that if there is a God - and I have serious doubts about that - she has a very good sense of humor and will certainly over look us violating one of mankind's stupid, made up, half assed rules.

Up until junior high my parents would make me go to church with them every Sunday. It was the type of boredom that can never be fully described. When I was old enough, I told them that I would go to a later mass and head to the arcades to worship 'Punch Out', air hockey, and 'Galaga' instead.

Eventually I got caught and when confronted I asked 'Why would God care if I go to a man made building on a day man picked to show appreciation for him. Can't I just do that any way I want?'

'And going to the arcade is your way of worshipping God?'

'Hey, if God loves us, wouldn't doing what makes us happy make Him happy?'

It didn't work. I was forced to go to the earlier mass with them for the next three months with my mind wandering and trying not to groan out loud with annoyance. When the hand held gaming systems first came out I immediately thought of those days in church; tapping my toes, fiddling my fingers, trying everything I could not to fall asleep. If I had one of those mofos, I would haven't minded half as much.

Eventually I faded away from the church, briefly returning at the insistence of my wife.

But it was no use. I find the rituals ridiculous, the sermons insulting, the preachings to be the exact opposite of what a man like Jesus was supposed to stand for.

Organized religion is supposed to foster peace, love and acceptance. That's the idea anyway.

It instead provokes intolerance, abuse and anger.

I can't claim to know what Jesus would do in any given situation, but I know what he would not do: He would not attend the very organization that claims to be based on his life.

Today's distraction: You are an angry God. Take it out on the innocent cows and sheep and children. Strike them down with your WRATH!!!

Ringing Endorsements

2011-03-07T13:42:00.000-05:00

Some random, useless and irrelevant things I've enjoyed recently. Just be warned that you should always consider the source when someone is recommending you something.

MUSIC

Talons - Hollow Realm: The first great album of 2011 is an all instrumental release from this punk band. I was familiar with their self titled release, but had no idea they had this sort of ambition in them. Complex, hard and, at times, beautifully majestic in it's execution. Their one flaw was their coarse lead singer and they've found a sure way around that problem: don't sing. Brilliant!!

Surfer Blood - Astro Coast: A bizarre, yet addicting, mix of sunny California alternative pop with darkly humorous lyrics. Test drive a few of their tunes now because you'll be hearing a lot of them soon.

....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead - Tao of The Dead: I had my doubts after 'Century of Self' nearly put me to sleep, but Trail of the Dead (can they change their name already?) returns in top form with this release. Nice that they (mostly) strip things down and get back to the basics. Still can't help their excessiveness, but it doesn't overwhelm.

TELEVISION

The Chicago Code: I already brushed over this last week, but I've caught up and realized the show is getting better and better. Yes, the lead detective is singularly obsessive and needs to lighten up (more details about how he's balancing the fiancee and ex wife might help), but the story is involving and Delroy Lindo is the most lethally charismatic character to land on television in years. It helps enormously that they film this on location in Chicago and they (so far) have been putting the city to great use.

Mr Sunshine: Not a classic by any means, but Matthew Perry was smart enough not to cast himself as a nice guy here; instead playing a narcissistic manager of a second rate sporting arena. Having Allison Janney on hand as his 'doesn't give a shit' boss and Andrea Anders from 'Better Off Ted' certainly helps. I laugh out loud at least twice an episode.

House: I've remained a loyal viewer, but this show has seen better seasons and I was dismayed when the writers romantically involved House and Cuddy. You can imagine my gratefulness that House has remained as crass and complicated as ever. The last two episodes in particular have tapped into the original charm of both the character and the show. House conning his way into a private school in order to help Cuddy's daughter gain acceptance is one of the best episodes of the past three years.

Perfect Couples: This new sitcom following 'Community' is funnier than it has any right. Like 'Mr. Sunshine' this isn't terribly original, but it's filled with likable actors portraying characters most of us recognize from our own experiences. The rich, pushy one trying to get everyone to buy into his 'Man Cave' concept is the highlight so far and has me believing in '40 Hands' as a legitimate party concept.

BOOKS

The Book Thief - Markus Zusak: An adopted girl grows up in Nazi Germany and we hear of her progress through Death. Right. The Grim Reaper is the narrator, although he/she hates being called that and finds it amusing how we dress up as him/her on occasion. The story is involving, the writing exhilarating and it's that rare book that I can't wait to get back to.

The Good Soldiers - David Finkel: Finkel follows an infantry troop throughout their tour of duty in Iraq. This all takes place during what the Bush Administration labeled 'The Surge' and it has forever altered how I view this (or any) war. Finkel doesn't commentate, merely tells the story of soldiers trying to do their best under hostile, hopeless circumstances. His chapter on the recovery of a soldier so grievously wounded from a bomb blast will haunt me forever. Every President considering declaring war for any reason should be required to read this book first. On second thought, it should be required reading for everyone.

Sadly, I haven't seen any recent movies that I would recommend. I did watch 'The Spy Next Door' and 'The Karate Kid' (which wasn't terrible) with my boys but it just made me depressed over Jackie Chan's career transformation.

Today's distraction: Amazing photos from an expedition to the Nyiragongo Crater in Africa.

Tour Guide

2011-03-02T11:38:00.000-05:00

Alternate working title: Things to do in Boston after the Ice Age.

The tourist season is coming up for the Boston area. Snow will be gone, streets will be swept, light will last just a tad longer each day and before we know it, we’ll be lunching by the harbor and enjoying beautiful women wearing sun dresses. No stupid, shapeless, heavy, burdensome coats blocking my appreciation of the female form.

Plus a new internet friend is coming to visit and she needs some hangout spots.

First, C, I’m assuming it’s the Boston Marriot Long Wharf at which you’ll be staying. If so, there are a ton of sites to see in the area. And even, better, a majority of these places are within walking distance from your hotel.

Let’s get to it.

Tia’s: This is actually the outdoor bar attached to the Marriot. Not sure when it officially opens, but if you are visiting during nice weather chances are there will be people mingling about. Now, keep in mind I don’t recommend this place for the prices or selection but for the opportunity to witness the elusive douchebag in his native environment. Fake tans, sunglasses at night, Euro-trash wannabes, golf shirts with popped collars; they can all be found here. Feel free to make them feel uncomfortable or ridicule their wardrobe. That’s what I do when I’m there. Does have a nice view of the harbor.

The North End: This is about three to four blocks away from hotel. You can walk through Christopher Columbus park right into another era. This is Boston’s Italian neighborhood with tiny restaurants in every nook and cranny. It’s been yuppified since the Big Dig has been completed, but has kept its charm. Marvel at the extremely narrow streets and wonder how anything moves during winter; visit cafes, pastry shops, and enjoy the old fashioned vibe. I would suggest taking half a day and just wander the streets.

Also, you need to try one of the following: Modern Pastry or Mike’s Pastry. DA will have to help me with which one. I need you to try one of the canolis. This deliciousness was directly responsible for a man losing his high paying job and facing serious jail time when he stole them from my friend.

DA, let us know which shop she should visit. If you’re still reading, that is.

Faneuil Hall: This is the shopping market directly across the street from the hotel. Too much to do here to recommend one spot, but if pushed I would say Durgin Park for their clam chowder or lobster (which they will steam instead of boil if you want). This is nearly a must visit if you enjoy seafood. Plenty of shops to occupy your time in the area, as well and if you hit it right there will be live entertainment (magicians, comedians, dance troupes, etc).

While you’re there, check out our atrocity of a city hall across the street and realize that back in the Seventies that was considered cool and cutting edge. Yeah, welcome to Boston.

Newbury Street: You’ll have to cab it here, but take half a day and just wander. There are specialty shops galore as well as the standard fare. Can be on the expensive side, but chances are you’ll find an item somewhere you’ll find nowhere else. Check out the original Newbury Comics if you see it. My little slice of music heaven.

New England Aquarium: You would have to walk approximately 200 feet to reach the front entrance. It’s a bunch of fish, but still an option.

Lunch Cruise: In the same area as the Aquarium. Buy a ticket for a cruise out to the Harbor Islands. There is also (or was last time I was there) and option to jump on a boat for an hour long lunch cruise. Basically goes out, putters around the harbor then back again. Only do this if the weather is spectacular.

Boston Common/Public Gardens: If you visit Newbury Street, may as well take a stroll through this park, especially if you hit Boston in the spring when everything is in bloom. If you’re feeling adventurous, you could walk through the Commons, hit Downtown Crossing (a seedier shopping mecca than Newbury Street) and walk back to the hotel. A bit of a haul, but a gorgeous haul depending on the time of year.

PUB SECTION/THE REAL BOSTON

Kitty O’Shea’s: One of my favorite pubs in Boston. It’s right on State Street (near Faneuil Hall and about two blocks from your hotel). This is a quaint, smallish Irish pub complete with one of the coolest wooden bars in the city. It helps that most of the bartenders and serving staff are from Ireland and have those adorable accents. In fact, let me know when you’re going here and I’ll meet you for a few beers. They have live Irish music every Sunday night, too.

The Black Rose: Right around the corner from Kitty’s and directly across the street from McFadden’s (see below). This tends to be the younger, binge drinking crowd, but can be a ton of fun if you’re in the mood for that type of thing.

McFadden’s: I tend to shy away from this place just due to the sheer volume of people that cram themselves in here. Still, huge bar, good selection of beer and friendly enough.

The Times: Frankly, this isn’t as great as it used to be, but they now have an outdoor seating area you can enjoy if the weather is nice. Go for the nachos – which weren’t on the menu last time I was there but you can still order. Just try not to use the restrooms. This is strictly a ‘one and done’ type of place.

Sullivan’s Tap: This is a pub right near the Boston Garden that must be seen to be believed. The bar runs an entire city block, but the actual place is so narrow you can barely walk from one end to the other. One of the remaining landmark places in the area and was around before the Celtics won their first championship. If this is too crowded you can hit…

Boston Beer Works next door. This place has two floors, pool tables for rent and a large selection of their home made brews. I’ve never had a bad time in this place. There is also Hurricane O’Reilly’s a few doors down, but there really isn’t anything special about that place. Standard food and drink, but pleasant enough atmosphere if everywhere else isn’t to your liking.

I was going to recommend Canal Street Tavern, but the last three times I’ve been there they’ve run out of the beer I was drinking. And it was three different beers. They’re officially off my list of go to places. Three strikes and you’re out.

JJ Foley’s: This is my home away from home. Dark, kind of dingy and grubby, great selection of beer and fantastic buffalo tenders. Again, if you’re going here let me know and I’ll meet you. I hearby challenge you to a game of Golden Tee!

Speaking of Golden Tee, a buddy of mine told me the BeanTown Pub now has a large screen (like a full wall) Golden Tee game. I have yet to check it out myself, but that is another option. They also have coin operated pool tables in the back and it’s always a good time.

That’s all I can think of for the moment. There are also the stand by ‘tourist’ things to do: The Duck Boat Tours (which you can book right outside your hotel), the Swan Boats (if they’re open by the time you visit), the Freedom Trail, State House and I’m sure you’ll find some gems in the North End you’ll love. You can also check out the Sail Loft nearby.

I would avoid Bell in Hand unless you enjoy young, rowdy crowds and beer being spilled on you. There is also the Theater District, but that hasn’t held much appeal for me over the years.

Hope this helps and you enjoy your visit.

Today’s distraction: More good news for the Boston waterfront. At least five new restaurants are opening soon. Can’t have enough good food. Having grown up with the old, ugly, green highway running above the city, I am floored by how beautiful the city has become. Keep it coming, Boston!

Get Lost!

2011-02-28T17:41:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts while waiting for this bitch February 2011 to be gone forever.

- I realized (far too late) that the Oscars is a show practically created for the DVR. Perhaps the DVR was invented for shows like the Oscars would be a better way to phrase it. Would have loved to zip past that uncomfortable and awkward Kirk Douglas supporting actress presentation. How old, exactly, is too old for a man in Hollywood? I know - he's a legend. But that's Hollywood-speak for 'best work is far behind him'.

- What was the over/under for the number of Anne Hathaway outfit changes? Whatever it was, over won in a land slide.

- Was I the only one shocked by how hot Cate Blanchett looked? She gets better looking every time I see her.

- What exactly is the hold Oprah has on females? Hathaway introduced her with overly lavish praise; even mentioning that it was a pleasure just to 'share the air she breathes'.  Oprah is a fucking talk show host. What am I missing here? Does male DNA somehow protect me from her charms?

- At 10:30pm I realized I had nothing invested in any of the awards. I knew Inception would win the technical awards, I knew King's Speech would win Best Picture, I knew Melissa Leo and Natalie Portman and Christian Bale would win. Frankly, I was bored. Where were the upsets last night?

- Here is the second finalist for 'Least Surprising Revelation of the 2011'. The first being every Charlie Sheen story, of course.

- New show recommendation: The Chicago Code. Comes on just after House and has - so far - kept me interested and entertained. I can't help but wonder how native Chicagians (what is the term for people from Chicago? Chicagoans? Chicago-ians?) are taking to it since the entire police force and political establishment seem to be corrupt.

- After watching the reaction the Celtics had towards the Kendrick Perkins trade, I am torn. On one hand I like that they are a tight knit group. On the other, I don't know if I can root for a team that cry like babies when something doesn't go their way. This is the digital age. They can still text, call, Skype, Tweet, or Facebook Perkins 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Get over it and play ball.

- Hey, the Knicks beat the Heat in a meaningless regular season game.  According to New Yorkers this makes them the best team in the history of the NBA. Everyone else should just pack up for the summer.

- I had my Jimmer ticket punched over the weekend when he launched a nearly half court shot with a flick of the wrist. I uttered 'No way!' as he launched it. Nothing but net. Fraudette could be the best pure shooter I've ever seen but take a look at what he did to beat SD on Saturday. He scored 43 against them last time and still scored 25 (or so) Saturday, but he moved the ball - piling up nine assists - which shows he can adjust and takes what the defense gives him.   I'm fully on the Jimmer Bandwagon.

- The 2011 Red Sox season is off to a roaring start. Really? This happened in batting practice? Was Beckett crowding the plate? Sorry, still gun shy from last year's barrage of injuries.

Shit, work is now calling. Mondays blow.

Later.

Today's distraction: As a tribute to Charlie Sheen, here are 19 Celebrity Meltdowns.

A Touch Green

2011-02-24T17:25:00.000-05:00

While I was getting ready to put together my guide for visiting Boston (hint: there are a lot of pubs listed in it for some strange reason), this bombshell dropped.

If you're too lazy to click the link, the Celtics basically blew up their team by trading Kendrick Perkins, Nate Robinson, Luke Harangody (who I was quickly falling in love with), Marquis Daniels, and Semih Goobledygook for spare change, a restricted free agent, and a center who plays zero defense.

The details:

Perkins and Robinson go to the Thunder. The Celtics get Jeff Green (restricted free agent after this season) and Nenad Krstic who, while a much better offensive player, is nowhere near the anchor Perkins was at center. Krstic is more like the hole in the dingy that keeps widening while the rest of the crew bails water.

Harangody and Semih were sent to Cleveland (known in NBA circles as The Dark Side) to be Baron Davis' gun bag carriers. In return the Celtics get a second round pick.

What?

Yeah, not even done. Marquis Daniels, who was playing better than ever before suffering a bizarre and serious spinal cord injury was traded for cash.

My initial reaction: What the fuck???!!! Perkins may not be an offensive juggernaut, but he was well liked, a defensive and rebounding monster and one of those rare players that could affect the game in ways that didn't appear in the box score. I'm convinced the Celtics would have hung banner 18 had he not gone down with a knee injury in Game Six of the Finals last spring.

Robinson was also loved by his team mates, but from a basketball standpoint, he was replaceable. Harangody and Semih are both very promising rookies who busted their asses and made the most of the limited minutes they had.

Here's what confuses me. With the O'Neals both hurt (Shaq and Jermaine) the Celtics were rumored to be going after more big men. Instead they jettisoned the three (Perkins, Semih and Harangody) who were the most effective the past two months. Now they are left with Garnett, Krstic, and the O'Neals.

So what gives? Is there another move coming? Are they luring Robert Parish out of retirement?

Yes, I like Jeff Green (who was drafted by the Celtics then traded for Ray Allen), but he may be gone after this season. Krstic I have no clue about, but he better endear himself to the Boston fans quickly or things will turn ugly for him in a hurry. The jettisoning of the other players certainly seems like there is something else in the works. Maybe some big is getting bought out of his contract? Maybe the Celtics have some free agent rookie they're high on?

Whatever is going on, let's just focus on the trade. The Thunder get a monster defensive presence that knows how to rebound and get the fast break going in a hurry. They also get a bench spark in Robinson who could also play well with Westbrook at the two guard. It certainly seems like OKC is a more diverse, tough and capable team today then they were yesterday.

The Celtics get a capable scorer in Green who will probably get fewer shots playing with Pierce, Allen, and Garnett and a big question mark to plug in the middle.

Maybe this will be great move in the long run. Maybe the Celtics know Perkins' knee will never be the same and figured they'd sell high. Maybe Green will sign long term since he has the perfect name to play here. Maybe Krstic will turn out to be phenomenal all around player.

But right now, Celtic fans are now hanging their hopes on the return of a 38 year old Shaq and red flags are flapping wildly in the Boston air.

Highlights/Lowlights

2011-02-23T13:57:00.000-05:00

It's time to break down the long weekend old school style. By that I mean my old school, not necessarily anyone else's. I march to my own guitarist. Or trumpeter. Whatever.

First, C, just saw your comment and you'll be right in my neck of the woods. Right on the harbor, near some great places to visit and enjoy. I'll get that post together later this week. Also, I just finished watching LAST week's good wife with the Kalinda revelation (post Blake broken ribs). My theory about Blake, by the way...he's undercover FBI. That's why FBI chick (who is smoking hot) is playing dumb about him. How could she have never heard of him when he's supposedly this involved? Something stinks.

Let's get to this. My coffee is half drunk, my scrumdeli-icious blueberry muffin is sitting comfortably in my belly and work is quiet. Let's knock this out.

Highlight: Went to Vermont to visit my brother in law and his two boys who get along famously with my own. Basically, we drink and play cribbage and joke around while the kids are outside sledding or in the basement playing XBox. The great thing about his place is - like nearly every place in Vermont - it's in the middle of nowhere. We don't have to worry about traffic or kids getting lost. It's just one house in the middle of 20 acres. Our biggest concern would be a bear, but they're still hibernating, so fuck it. Go have fun, boys!

Lowlight: The temperature was -10 with the wind chill. That put a limit on what outdoor activities could occur and how long they could last. Still they had fun and I got to drink beer uninterrupted. That's all that matters.

Highlight: One of the nearby mountains (forget the name) had a 'torch run' which was one of the most spectacular things I've ever seen. About 75 - 100 skiers came down the mountain holding flares. Very cool.

Lowlight: By this time the temperature was 20 below and I was hating life. Even worse, when we got inside there were so many rude, inconsiderate people I was about to haul off and punch someone. I don't care if it was a kid or an adult. People would just shove past you without an excuse me or apology. Twice my five year old was knocked over and one other time elbowed in the head.

Highlight:  Five year old gave such a dirty look to the woman who elbowed him she took a step back and immediately apologized. He kept giving her the dirty look, rubbed his head and walked away without a saying a word. My boy!!

Quick sidenote: My oldest told me that five year old was playing after school during his first week of kindergarten. This is the time of day where everyone is running around crazy after being cooped up in school. Eldest says that some younger kid was giving youngest a hard time, so my youngest got right in his face and told him to knock it off. The other kid went to give him a push when my son knocked his hand away and shoved him first. This prompted the other boy's nine year old brother to come over and threaten my youngest. So now two against my one with one being twice his age and size.

My youngest looks both of them in the eye and says 'Yeah? Come near me and I'll knock both your heads off.' Both boys look at each other, look at my five year old and quietly walk away. While I have no idea if this is exactly how it happened, I can totally see my youngest pulling this off. The kid has no fear of anything.

I asked my eldest what happened after that, he said 'Nothing. He just went back to playing like nothing had happened.' When I asked him why he wasn't sticking up for his little brother he answered 'I was going to, but he really didn't need me.'

Highlight: Learning yet another study has concluded that moderate drinking 'is associated with a reduced risk of multiple cardiovascular outcomes'. Boo YEAH!!!

Lowlight: That consuming 12 beers in one night is not considered 'moderate' by anyone other than myself.

Highlight: The stunning views along route 89 in Vermont. Beautiful, snow covered mountains on all sides.

Lowlight: The 70 mile an hour winds blowing cars all over the highway. At one point I felt the car attempt to lift off the ground and had visions of a Daytona like airborne crash dance through my head.

Highlight: Things are suddenly moving quickly on the job front. I have a second interview scheduled for Friday, a follow up call I need to place after a two hour marathon session (which is usually a good thing), and just received a call for an initial screening for a job that really looks interesting.

Lowlight: None of these jobs are even remotely close to Boston.   I really like working in the city and would prefer to keep it that way. We'll see.....

Highlight: Two Celtics in the final round of the three point contest.

Lowlight: Both losing to some no name from the Heat. Let's hope this is the last loss the Celtics get from anything Miami related.

Highlight: Getting to watch the slam dunk competition and All Star Game.

Lowlight: Blake Griffin's dunking over a car instantly becoming the most over rated dunk of all time. Was I the only one unimpressed? Looked like a simple alley oop to me. Yeah, there was a car there, but so what? As I said to my brother in law at the time; 'The only way this would be impressive is if he jumps over the roof of the car'.

At the same time, that three ball dunk from the Wizards dude is totally unappreciated. The degree of difficulty on that was much higher than he made it look.

Since I'm on a roll, they need to go back to the old format for the dunk contest. It's less impressive when a guy finally makes a dunk after four failed attempts. Give them five dunks each, count them as soon as they leave the ground, then take the top 3 scores to determine who advances. Giving them two minutes to complete one dunk is lame.

Lowlight: Watching Kobe overtly gunning for the single game All Star scoring record. Shit like that is why people will always despise him.

Highlight: The constant booing all Celtic players received whenever they were on the court. Ray Allen and Paul Pierce were verbally accosted during the three point contest and they loved every minute of it. I really hope the Lakers and Celtics meet in the Finals again. This time with every Celtic healthy.

Highlight: A man's love for his dog knows no limits.

Lowlight: Apparently that means his one year old grand daughter who was attacked not once, but twice by the dog. The owner is still putting up a fight to not have the dog euthanized which just proves he would rather have a dog who mauls little kids than a grand daughter.

Highlight: Trades dropping left and right in the NBA. Carmelo to the Knicks, now Deron Williams to the Nets. I actually think the Nets got better while the Knicks have - once again - painted themselves in a corner.

Lowlight: Another spoiled athlete - in this case Carmelo - getting his way. That and the entire Jerry Sloan debacle seems to have been for nothing. Wonder if he'll come back now that Williams is gone?

Highlight: You finally get a new entry from me. Apologies for being sporadic. Between my schedule and lack of inspiration, I've been having trouble with this space. Will try to do better.

Today's distraction: Don't listen to the little rabbit.

Subtitled

2011-02-15T15:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know.

All three of you reading this are thinking ‘What the fuck, dude?’ or ‘Where you been?’ or ‘Where’s my bag of weed?’ or, more likely, ‘This blog is still active?’

What can I say, I'm suddenly a busy man.

I’m nothing if not fair, though, so here are some mini entries to get us caught up. Each will have their own title so as not to cause confusion. I know my readers can be easily confused.

Ice Melt

One of the under reported horrors of winter is the inevitable melting of snow hiding all the shit that it buried months ago. Yesterday Boston hit 50 degrees and now the corpses of long discarded Christmas trees, the skeletal remains of fallen branches, sodden litter and broken umbrellas are visible everywhere.

What’s worse is the snow is black and disgusting. All the sand and salt is piled up on the sidewalks and gutters of the streets. It’s nasty and will remain so until all the snow has melted and the street sweepers get out and take care of their business.

In the meantime, how much of this gets washed into the sewers and out into the harbors and rivers?

Chicago, Chicago

My over night trip to Chicago was a success in one way, a failure in another.
My project went perfectly and I was in and out without a snag. Although it was snowing again when I was flying out of Boston and had nightmares of my being stuck at Logan for hours. Fortunately, it had turned to mostly rain by mid morning and I was off without incident.

My in flight entertainment to Chicago was ‘The American’ with George Clooney which I would recommend mainly because it has a TORRID sex scene, plenty of nudity of the female variety and sudden, graphic violence.

Once I got there, contact was made with Kos who blew me off because he ran out of tampons or something. He was actually sick, but it’s guy code to bust another guy when he wouldn’t meet you for drinks. I’m betting he was actually getting laid by some smoking hot chick which is the only way not meeting me for beers is excusable.

That and the stomach bug. I want no part of that.

In flight entertainment going back to Boston was ‘Machete’ which, if you like over the top violence and 70’s style exploitation movies, I can’t recommend enough. It even has Steven Seagal as a fat, bad guy. It was nice to see Ana Lucia and Captain Frank reunited in the same movie, as well. When the first few minutes of a movie contains multiple decapitations and a cell phone hidden in a female’s privates, I’m all in for the remainder. I’m pretty sure that’s written down somewhere.

Job Hunt

Have had multiple phone interviews, a few face to face interviews, but there has yet to be a job that I really want. One was close, but it was on the south shore and I would have had to drive through Boston to get there. Using calculations from my trip home from the interview, it would have taken me approximately FOR-FUCKING-EVER to commute home.

Had an interview on Friday for a favorable position, but during the process more than one person dropped that the company had about 11 months of money left to operate on. Not exactly selling the company, guys.

A buddy of mine just emailed me that his company has an opening so will follow up with that, but things are still tough out there. The economy may be recovering, but it seems that the ones benefiting are the ones that fucked everyone over in the first place.

Good for them.

The Visitor

Just after Christmas, there was a scrabbling sound in the ceiling in our bedroom. I was awake at 5 am pounding on it, yelling at whatever was in there to shut the fuck up. The next day I got mouse traps and set them around the house and in the basement.

I caught nothing.

We get two feet of snow and we haven’t heard a sound. I’m thinking whatever it was left the house in the morning and got buried or trapped out there. Or maybe it just died. I didn’t much care other than it was no longer borrowing through the wood in my house.

Yesterday I get out of the shower and I hear the fucker again. Only he (or it) is in the wall now.

This raises several questions:

1: How has this thing survived this long? It’s not taking any food from the traps or from our kitchen. I’ve left crumbs here and there to see if they’re gone the next morning.

2: How is it getting so far up into our house? Is it a bird? Definitely not loud enough to be a squirrel. If it’s a bird, that would explain how it feeds but how is it getting in and out? I did a walk around and there are no gaps I can see along the eaves of the house.

3: Where has it been for the past two months? Hibernating?

One thing I know for sure – this rodent will not be long for this world. I’ve drilled into that ceiling before and will do so again.

Of course you know…this means war!

Today’s distraction: Classic ads for current products. Maybe it’s just me…

Weekend Update

2011-02-07T14:25:00.003-05:00

While still recovering from a booze and sport fueled, fun fest of a weekend, here are some random thoughts to keep you occupied and/or concerned for my well being. Super Bowl thoughts are at the bottom if you don't care about my life. Can't blame you for that one bit.

- Took my oldest boy to the Celtics - Mavericks game Friday night only to have Jason Kidd of all fucking people break his poor little heart. You bastard, Kidd!! Didn't you know there was a 10 year old in the stands hoping you would miss? How could you? Fortunately, son number one is a lot like me and bounces back quickly. You can certainly tell the Celtics are an old....oh....excuse me...veteran team. They look sluggish on the second night of back to back games and after long road trips. Friday was no exception with them just coming home after more than a week out west.

- Throughout that Friday game, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with Rondo, who would have what appeared to be a wide open layup only to see him pass it off to a team mate at the last second. Quite a few of those times, the team mate on the receiving end messed up the layup or fumbled the pass out of bounds. I kept saying to my son, 'Rondo needs to take those shots. The opposing teams know he likes to pass off now'. Yesterday, Rondo scored 26, mostly on layups. Nice to know he learns and changes his game as is needed.

- Saturday I had to climb out on my back roof and clear off two feet of snow. This is no small roof and I was soaked with sweat by the time I was done. On the plus side I had a great view of the Boston skyline and made a new neighbor friend who was shoveling off his roof from a few blocks away. We chatted a bit from afar. It's a good thing we were out there, too, as it rained (including thunder and lightning!) all that night. My roof would have caved in under all that weight.

- Saturday night, Wifey and I had a rare night out. We were invited to a friend's house for a 'cocktail party' which I discovered was an adult phrase for 'drink fest'. I somehow got stuck chatting with a lovely lady who was so full of shit, I could smell it coming out her pores. With no prior warning (as I said to Wifey afterwards, 'Thanks for that heads up'), she dropped this line: 'Not having a nine to five job, I can't imagine how people do it.'

Here's a tip: When someone drops an open ended statement like this and you don't know this person at all, do not under any circumstances ask 'What do you do for work?'

This is what I asked out of politeness and was barraged with so much bullshit I nearly drowned in it. This lovely lady (and, actually, she was very friendly and sociable and I enjoyed talking to her) told me she was an 'internet entrepreneur' and 'a thought processor' which I thought meant she scoured EBay for cheap deals. Nope, she sells herself as someone who can 'help you take that next step' towards you making money at something you are 'passionate about' or 'love to do'.

As she put it, 'I honestly believe that if you love to do something, there is a way to make money at it'. First, when people use the phrase 'honestly believe' in their vocabulary, I immediately keep my guard up. How could you believe anything if it weren't honest?

Anyway, I challenge her with 'I love to drink beer. Other than returning my empties, how can I make money at that?' She answers, 'You can make it!' all proud of herself. I reply, 'Yes, but I'm lazy and don't want to make beer, I only like drinking it'. This led to a back and forth that was interrupted when Wifey realized what I was involved in. Suddenly, she sprang the 'we should get going' in order to save me.

- On the ride home, Wifey filled me in on this chick. She's still single, always in debt, supposedly always has 'that next big thing' ready to hit, yet never seems to make any progress on any of her projects. When I asked why our friends hung out with her, Wifey explained that she was more a 'friend of a friend'. That's when it hit me that this girl is always 'on'. She may not live a nine to five life, but in many ways, that is worse. She came to the party not to socialize or relax, but to sell herself to any new person she met. In this case, it was me. Nine to five ain't so bad if you like what you do and can leave things at work. If you're constantly on the prowl for new jobs it's difficult to move that switch to 'Idle'.

- By the way, Kos, I'm on for tomorrow night if you'll be around. Although there is some small storm arriving over night so not sure if that's going to fuck up my travel plans or not. Supposedly Boston isn't going to get much snow (less than an inch). I'll send you a text when I get settled in Chicago.

On to some Super Bowl thoughts.

- First, congrats to the Packers. I find it increasingly difficult to dislike any Green Bay team. Such a small market, but they manage to keep themselves relevant with good drafting and only necessary free agent signings.

- I didn't think I had a rooting interest in the game until the Steelers started making a comeback. That's when I realized I couldn't stomach Ben Rapistberger winning another title. Fuck him! I hate his stupid, brain damaged head.

- Was yesterday's game a test of karma? I never believed in that sort of thing before, but I wonder what would have happened if Michael Vick had been playing against the Rapist. Would they still be playing in an endless game? My guess is Vick would have won since he seems to have atoned. Put 'seems' in quotes.

- Anyone else find it odd that Vick has received ten times the vitriol for harming dogs than Big Ben received for harming another human being? Sorry, 'allegedly harming'. Are dogs now more sacred than women? I've noticed the same trend in movies. Any human character can be killed off in the most gruesome way possible, but the family pet will always survive.

- Why was no mention made of the turf at Dallas Stadium? It sure seemed like standard tackles and falls were causing major injuries to players on both sides. At one point Big Ben slipped for no reason and twisted his knee. Was that turf not designed for cold weather? I know it's inside, but there was something odd going on with that field that nobody talked about. How does Woodson break his collar bone just diving for a ball? How does whoever that Steeler receiver was not recover from simply bumping his ankle on the turf?

- Look, if the Black Eyed Peas wants to perform at halftime, couldn't they at least change their performance from that last 22 awards show they've been on? Even the stupid flashing suit was the same. Do they sleep in these outfits? I did enjoy Slash and Fergie (who seemed to be making fun of Axl Rose) doing 'Sweet Child of Mine' if only to see Slash quickly dash off stage when his solo was over. How long do you think he was under that stage?

- How much did the dancers in the glowing suits get paid?

- Movie that looks awesome: 'Battle for Los Angeles'.

- My favorite ads: The Pepsi Max husband/wife one; The Bud Light dog sitter; Bud Light 'Hack Job'; Audi's Escaping Luxury Prison made by Kenny G's appearance; Doritos one which brought things back to life (loved the dust coming off the reincarnated grandfather); the two Bridgestone ads: The Reply to All and the Beaver one; and the Volkswagen one with little Darth Vader.

Winner: Motorola's tablet ad that takes a swipe at Apple. Fight the power!

- My least favorite: Doritos dog one, which was a lot of build up for a stupid ending; nearly any car commercial; any Go Daddy (really? Joan Rivers??); Budweiser saloon one; nearly every movie ad...wait..

Quick sidenote: I've noticed that the more a movie advertises itself, the worse it will be. Therefore you can assume the new Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston one will be atrocious and 'Rango' (the Johnny Depp as a lizard one) will be just as bad.

Loser: The Justin Bieber/Ozzy Osborne one. Fell flat and I can't even remember what it was for.

- Was Cameron Diaz feeding popcorn to A-Rod because his manicure was still drying?

- Forget Aguilera messing up the lines of the National Anthem (I didn't even notice), how about her butchering the song? That was terrible and I couldn't help thinking the applause at the end wasn't for her (as she surely thought), but that it was finally over. Or maybe everyone was really excited to see the planes fly over? Wait, is that stadium open? Did the people in attendance even see the fly over?

Ok, I'm done. Back to work. Enjoy your Monday!

Today's distraction: Rate the SB commercials and watch any you may have missed.

Uncle!

2011-02-03T13:07:00.000-05:00

I give! Mercy! Uncle! Enough! Which ever safe word is needed I'll scream it in order to stop this madness.

I have been alive 43 years and, while I obviously can't remember the first few years or large chunks of my twenties, I can safely say I have never seen a winter like this one before. Usually the Boston area can expect a major snow storm or two with some 3 - 4 inch storms in between, but it has never been like this.

Since the Monday following Christmas, Boston has been hit with a major storm on a weekly basis. We've accumulated over 70 inches of snow this season. But it's the enormity of each storm that's stunning. Nearly two feet of snow that first storm, followed by 8 inches, 15 inches, 7 inches, 10 inches. Yesterday put the literal and figurative icing on the cake when snow turned to freezing rain. Ten foot snow piles (two of which border my driveway) are now the equivalent of concrete. That shit ain't moving until May.

Three different times I've marveled at the snowbank in my front yard, thinking 'I've never seen it that high before' only to have the next storm pile another 10 inches on top of it. Icicles taller than my kids are hanging from my roof. I've broken them off only to have another three foot one take its place in less than a week.

We're not even halfway through February and my boys have no snow days left. They are - of course - loving it. They sled down the rock wall in our back yard because there is so much snow it now resembles a luge run. Now that everything is iced over they can sled down from the top and make it clear across the yard. If it wasn't 5 degrees yesterday I may have tried it myself.

I've worked at my current job for 9 years. In that time our office has closed twice. Once for a massive 30 inch storm and once for a water main break that flooded our entire block. We've closed three times this winter already. Yesterday didn't count, either, as they opened late then closed early.

This is just the tip of the iceberg (which could be a literal thing this winter. It would surprise nobody if an iceberg were floating in Boston harbor right now). Traffic is snarled because trucks and buses can't fit in the narrowed streets, trains are delayed, subways are breaking down, it's taking twice the time to get to work. I would be more productive just working from home until all this snow is gone.

And that doesn't even get to where we're going to put all this shit. There is a snow pile in Waltham that is five stories high. Residents in the area are freaking out that the entire neighborhood will be flooded when it starts to melt, apparently forgetting that snow doesn't melt all at once. The EPA is considering giving the city permission to dump snow into the harbor. Truck drivers have been caught illegally dumping in the Merrimack River, although, frankly, when this snow melts most of it flows right into the river anyway. Roofs are caving in, cars are buried in snow and ice, some parking lots won't be clear until June.

In short, we've all had enough. I can deal with a random, freak storm, but six storms in one winter (barely two months, to be specific) is torturous. I can take it no more.

So, whoever is in charge, enough. Please. Whatever sacrifice I need to make - short of my family and beer - I will make. Just send me the message loud and clear.

If you could let me know before this Saturday storm hits, that would be great.

Today's distraction: See how Boston's snow total measures up to Shaq. We've already buried Nate Robinson.

Goings On

2011-01-27T16:54:00.001-05:00

Two weeks ago Mother Nature shit two feet of snow on Boston.

A few days later she pissed another five inches down our necks.

This morning, she's rubbing our noses in another foot while (probably) cackling like the wicked witch she is.

When I finished shoveling this morning, I looked at Wifey and said 'I'm thinking of two words. Can you guess what they are?'

She answered 'Rum and Coke?' which was an EXCELLENT guess, but it was only 10 am and I was still shaking and sweating from my workout.

'No. Fuck winter! Those were the two words I was thinking.'

'You think that a million times a day,' she replied, which just proves she knows me better than anyone.

Let's get caught up, shall we?

- If all goes as it's currently going (see below for how that might change), I'll be taking my talents on the road. Unfortunately, I have no discernible talent other than being impervious to hangovers and South Beach is not factoring into any travel plans.

In two weeks I'll be visiting my second favorite city: Chicago! I believe Trib is around that area, so maybe I'll run into him at some posh, rich guy hangout that I could never get into or - more likely - at some random dive joint where a new thrash metal band is trying to catch a break. That actually sounds fun.

In March I'll be in Minnesota for nearly a fucking week. Who lives in Minnesota? Bigs? 10? If I have time off from that stupid project, we should meet for beers.

Don't ask me how I get roped into this stuff. Chicago in February, Minnesota in March, one time I was sent to Phoenix in August. I'm being punished, I'm sure, I just don't know for what.

- Speaking of Chicago, one of the aspects of this Jay Cutler controversy is something not one person has mentioned: If Cutler came back into the game, wouldn't he have HURT the Bears' chances of winning? Seemed to me that Heine (sp?) more than outplayed Cutler. I'll bet everyone in Chicago had no issue with Cutler sitting out the second half.

- A thought repeated over and over in my head while watching the Jets play the Steelers. It was 'where the fuck was this team last week?' It sure seemed like the Jets main goal was to knock the Patriots out of the playoffs. After that they were on cruise control.

- Finally got around to watching 'Inception' which is the first movie to have three action sequences going on at the exact same time. I need to watch it again, because I'm convinced I missed something. Let's give it up to Christopher Nolan, while we're on the subject. He's created the most brain draining movie of our generation ('Memento'), one of the greatest comic book movies of all time ('The Dark Knight'), one of the most elaborate action movies ever ('Inception') and one of the more under appreciated films of the past 10 years ('Insomnia'). Already his body of work is rivaling the greats. Chalk another one up for DiCaprio, too!

- Keep an eye on Edgar Wright, as well. 'Shaun of the Dead', 'Hot Fuzz', and now 'Scott Pilgrim vs the World'. The man knows how to entertain me while creating some of the most original (and demented) worlds in film. Can't wait to see what he does next.

- Last night I get home from work to find my neighbor hanging out, glass of wine in hand. Greetings are exchanged and she says 'We're here because there is a bird in our house'. I still have boots and coat on, stop, look from neighbor to Wifey as they look hopefully back at me.

'Do you want me to go over?'

'Would you mind? Thank you so much!'

Over I go with her and it takes us 10 minutes just to find the stupid thing. It was under the couch which I lifted up for her to look under, but it was gone. Apparently it couldn't fly because I found it under their shoe rack, just sitting quietly, hoping nobody would see it. When we tried to scoop it up, it would run and half flap it's wings but never get off the ground.

It tucked itself in a corner behind one of the cabinets and just when we thought it had bested us, I suggested squirting it with something. What followed was an epic battle with a half winged, tiny sparrow that nearly destroyed her house. Even hurt birds are super quick and can get in the tiniest of cracks. Not helping matters was their stupid cat (who brought the thing into the house in the first place). At one point, the bird got into the fireplace behind the wood burning stove. After several attempts to reach it, I suggested 'You know, maybe we should just let the cat finish the thing off'.

We let the cat out of the bathroom, it goes over to the bird and just stares at it. Doesn't do a thing. Stupid animal. We put the cat back in the bathroom, get a broom, lay flat on the floor and sweep the thing out from the fireplace. Panicked the bird runs to the worst possible place: The kid's toy room. It was a nightmare. So many places for a tiny bird to hide. We finally found it inside a toy and just carried it outside where it probably froze to death and is now buried under a foot of snow. Hey, survival of the fittest, right?

- The bird was just icing on the proverbial cake for these neighbors. Her husband told me he came home the night before and noticed all the snow and ice were gone from his stairs. Normally one would think 'great!'. He thought 'Oh shit' as he had seen this happen before when his pipes froze. This time the dishwasher connection snapped off and water was gushing into the house the entire time he and his wife were at work. The basement had a foot of water in it and the over flow washed out the kitchen door and down their front stairs. To make matters worse, they had just finished renovating their kitchen and now have to replace the floor. Again.

When he got things shut off, he calls a plumber and his insurance company. While he's on the phone he goes back to the kitchen and finds his two boys playing like they're in a water park. I do believe a new word that begins with 'F' was learned at that moment.

- I'm putting a full court press on getting a new job. I have an interview scheduled for Monday and another phone interview for Wednesday. The great part of looking while employed is knowing you can hold out for a perfect job. I want it in the same general area (love Boston) with the same general flexibility I enjoy now. It won't be easy, but it's time. That's why the Minnesota trip may not be happening. If I am offered something great, I'll have to take it.

- The reason I'm hoping to leave is my manager was just let go. If that's not a warning shot across my bow, I'm not sure what is. The guy that took his place knows little to nothing of what I do. He equates me to the bozos he works with in his office while I do much more than that. With the possibility of outsourcing on it's way, I'm not waiting for the axe to fall. Get out while the getting's good, right?

So, if you know of anyone who wants to hire a functional alcholic who uses work time to keep internet strangers semi entertained, keep me in mind.

Needless to say, it's going to be super busy for me the next few weeks.

I'll keep in touch when I can.

Today's distraction: How I would love to go out from my current job. 'I'm Rick James, bitch!'

Fine, Thanks

2011-01-19T13:48:00.000-05:00

A quick run down of what I've been up to since last we...what exactly is our relationship, anyway? Since I know you've all missed me terribly, here is a summary of my past week.

Wednesday, January 12th: Mother Nature dumped two feet of snow on Boston in less than 24 hours. Needless to say I was fucking miserable. Thankfully, the entire state of Massachusetts shut down to limit the casualties of idiots trying to drive anywhere. Unthankfully (got to be a word), I needed the entire day to shovel out. Started at 9:30 in the morning for the sole purpose of giving my stupid dog someplace other than our back hall to relieve himself.

SideNote #1: Do you think it's possible to train an animal to pee on a toilet? He had to go so bad he didn't even go through his normal 'sniff, sniff, no this place won't do....yeah, here we go', ten minute morning dance. He just lifted and went immediately. This got me thinking if I plopped him on the toilet and told him 'Go Potty' (he actually understands that phrase) it might work. At the very least, maybe the shower stall would do the trick. As you can see, my mind gets creative when I'm trying to avoid manual labor.

Anyway, I started shoveling the back stairs and walkway, got around to the front stairs (approximately 15 feet), managed to get the front walk up to the cars done when I realized I was exhausted. My hands were shaking and I wasn't even a quarter of the way done.

Took a coffee break (it's in my contract), ate something, went back out at 11:30. At 2:30pm I had a conference call and I still hadn't made it to the street. I was soaked, beat, on the verge of tears while recalling our trip to Grand Cayman seven months ago and now had to deal with stupid work people. On the bright side there was still a full fledged blizzard going on outside my window.

You may think I'm being sarcastic (and I was sort of), but one positive thing did come from the storm. Halfway through my call the storm knocked out my internet and phone. That's a shame. I tried calling in again from my cell phone, but I was locked out. Whatever. It was boring anyway.

At three I head back out to shovel after sending a text to the leader that I was incommunicado. At this point the storm was winding down but had dumped 4 more inches where I had already shoveled. Got that done again, finished up the rest realizing that I needed to finish soon or everything was going to freeze up and be impossible to move.

Finish time was 5:30 that night. I would estimate six full hours of shoveling to get things completely clear. To put it another way, FUCK ME!

SideNote #2: Interestingly enough, as soon as my phone/internet was knocked out a young man approaches me, calls me by name and says 'I'm here to offer you Verizon FIOS'. When I asked if he had just intentionally interrupted my service to make his offer seem better, he laughed and denied doing so. Still, that timing was odd. When I next asked why he was walking door to door in a fucking blizzard, he told me he had seventy grand in student loans to pay off and figured today most people would be home from work. Kid's got a future. Needless to say, I signed up for FIOS internet and phone for less than I'm paying now and got a free wireless router. Score!

SideNote #3: There is some controversy in our city over the lack of FIOS as an option. They're just bringing it into my neighborhood (hence the good price on the offer) but have been fighting to do so for years. When I asked the Verizon dude what's taken them so long he told me our mayor is friends with one of the higher ups in Comcast. 'At least that's what the guy up the street told me'. Our mayor sucks. I've been joking that I'll put my name in to run against him, but it's becoming less of a joke the more I hear about him. How funny would that be? Me as mayor?

Thursday, January 13th: Besides doubling as a recovery day for every muscle in my body, I managed to get to work despite a hellacious commute. My normal 10 minute drive took me 35 and the trains were all running late. Still, it was better than shoveling.

Friday, January 14th: Only half day of work due to the long weekend. Got my drink on at exactly 3:30 in the afternoon. I picked the boys up from school first, man. Don't judge me.

Saturday, January 15th: Last minute call from friends resulted in a dinner out (sans kids), some serious Stella consumption and many laughs.

SideNote #...uh...what number am I on? 4!! SideNote #4: Is there a more potentially disastrous situation than being with your significant other and realizing there is an entire bar full of hotties surrounding you? I say no. To make matters worse, the hostess of the place was a 12 out of a possible 10 and our waitress was a solid 8. Somehow (honestly, I don't know how these things happen) I wound up talking to two good looking women in the seats behind us and deflecting comments from my wife's friend regarding my trend of chatting up other women. She even brought up an age old story about a girl hitting on me with Wifey sitting right next to me. I think she totally made this up as I don't remember it at all, but Wifey backed her up. Still, they're women and I don't trust a thing they say.

Sunday, January 16th: Prepped house for the certain Patriots victory that night. Cleaned, bought booze, stacked beers in the snow to keep cold.....wait....

SideNote #5: The sole (literally the one and only) good thing about winter is being able to store beers outside. Since snow was two feet high on the back deck I stuck an entire case of beers into it one by one. Just reach out, grab one and pull. Didn't even have to bend over. It was glorious!

....where was I? Oh, right. Friends came over and we watched the Pats worst case scenario unfold with mounting horror. People talk about the muffed, fake punt or Brady's interception but I knew this game was lost when Crumpler dropped that sure touchdown pass in the first quarter. Everyone in my house thought it was a touchdown. We were celebrating and whooping it up until I looked back at the television and saw the Pats were running another offensive play.

'What? What happened? A penalty?'

'No,' my ten year old answered, 'He dropped the pass. You guys were too busy celebrating to see the replay.'

Everyone solemnly sat down and it was all downhill from there.

SideNote #6: Allow me three thoughts about this game:

1: For the first time I can ever remember, Tom Brady played scared. Maybe scared is too strong a term, but he was hesitant and antsy and looked all out of sorts. Perhaps 'intimidated' is a better word.

2: The Patriot's have officially become the Indianapolis Colts. Great regular season, great QB stats, great offense, questionable defense, looking like a power house for the entire season, only to fold when it really matters. That was the most painful sentence I've ever written, but it's true.

3: Maybe Belichick should have let the Patriots talk trash back to the Jets. The Jets certainly looked like the more confident team from the opening kick off and, let's be honest, it couldn't have ended any worse for the New England team. Next time, let them talk back.

Monday - Wednesday: Work, work, sleep, sleep, gym.

So we're basically caught up. Pats suck, I'm stuck rooting for the lesser of two evils to get to the Super Bowl (still working that one out), and I have to go to New Hampshire for work tomorrow.

Oh, and the weather mediums are predicting another foot of snow for Friday. See you on the other side.

Today's distraction: Enjoy my latest addiction: Gravitat. Games make me happy.

Sporting Thoughts

2011-01-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

As part of their Christmas gift, Wifey and I took the boys to the Celtics game on Friday night. I wish I could give thoughts on how the team played, but I spent more time doing one of the following than actually watching the game.

1: Bringing the youngest to the bathroom. This happened three times and one of those times was because he had to 'poop' but then refused to sit on the nasty toilet until it was up to his standards of cleanliness. I missed twenty minutes of the game at this point. Oh, and he never did drop one.

2: Standing in line getting food for the boys.

3: Standing in another line to get beer for Wifey and myself.

4: Wandering around the pavilion trying to find where they sold green, floppy, foamy hats that my youngest wanted as part of my bribe to get him to sit on the toilet to take the shit that never came. I never found them.

5: Staggering around like a mugging victim when I saw Peroni was a beer option in the Garden followed by me realizing I was just roped into paying eight bucks a pop for them. Fuckin' A, Garden people.

6: Trying to console my five year old when he didn't catch one of the parachute gifts that were dropped from the rafters after the third quarter. He thought everyone in attendance was getting one. I had to explain that 20 gifts dropped into 18,000 people were never good odds, but he didn't want to hear it. Life can be so cruel.

In hindsight, five year old was just too young to go. He was tired and cranky, bored and restless and wanted to be anywhere other than the game. The only part he enjoyed was the big screen showing dancing fans and the chant of 'D-Fense' which he still chants to himself before going to bed. He also picked up a Bruin Mr Potato Head at the gift shop that eased the pain of not getting a floppy hat.

Lesson: don't bring your kid to a professional sporting event until they're at least 7 years old. Maybe even 10.

- My eldest loved the game, of course. He's been obsessed with basketball since last summer and - thanks to one of Wifey's VIP friends - we managed to get him up close to the Celtics bench at halftime. He got pics of Shaq and Pierce and has fully realized how huge everyone is. He thought Rondo was short because he's constantly surrounded by Garnett, Shaq, and Pierce all the time. Imagine his shock when he saw Rondo is the same height as his father.

- As for the game itself, the Celtics won big because - other than that Italian dude - I had not heard of one player from the Toronto Raptor's starting lineup. And I follow basketball. When they were introducing them, I Googled 'Toronto Raptor Injuries' on my phone to see if someone was hurt. Here is a link to the Raptors roster. Good lord.

- Met an old buddy of mine for some good old fashioned football watching at a local pub yesterday and watched Todd Haley completely submarine his team's chances of winning. Granted, the players were to blame for a lot of what happened, but how do you run the ball for nearly 100 yards in the first half and abandon that strategy for the entire fourth quarter and most of the second half?

Yeah, I know, you're down, but the game wasn't that out of hand despite the turnovers and Haley panicked by having Cassel throw nearly every time. Go with what got you there, coaches!! The Chiefs were moving the ball well on the ground and were wearing out the Ravens' defense. It sure looked like Haley got scared of running when the Ravens stuffed Charles on that fourth down try. No, it didn't work out that time, but don't use one play as a barometer of what is your team does best.

- Look at the four teams remaining in the AFC: Patriots, Jets, Steeler, Ravens. And all four divisional opponents face each other for the third time this year. Uh...Booorring! What sucks is whoever is left between those four will also have played each other in the regular season. Kind of why I was rooting for KC to win yesterday. We need some fresh faces in these playoffs. Even if the Colts had won these playoffs would still have that 'same old, same old' vibe to it.

- At least the Seahawks provided some surprise. I still thought the Saints were going to pull it off near the end, but that New Orleans defense should be ashamed of themselves. Instead of simply covering a subpar group of receivers, they were gambling for interceptions and getting burned deep nearly every time. And not being able to tackle Lynch on that last run was a disgrace. Lynch is getting all the props for an amazing run, but if the Saints could make a simple tackle that would never have been more than a six yard rush.

Kudos to the Seattle offense game plan. They must have noticed the Saints' secondary habit of gambling by jumping routes and played to that perfectly. That second John Carlson touchdown was the single prettiest play of the post season so far. Carlson dove at the defender's feet pretending to do a half ass job of blocking. The defender stepped over Carlson, essentially dismissing him and Carlson gets up, runs into the end zone and stands all by himself for a touchdown catch. Loved that play!

- Buddy I was drinking with has a bit of a gambling problem and called his bookie to put money on the Eagles. This was immediately following him asking me who I thought would win. I told him I thought Green Bay would pull off a close one because they had the better defense. He groaned then proceeded to bet against me and Green Bay. Serves him right.

- Can we please ease off the 'Mark Sanchez has finally arrived' talk? He looked terrible for much of the Colts game and making two good (not even very good) passes near the end does not mean he's suddenly matured into a top notch quarterback. Talk to me if he can come into Foxboro in 20 degree weather and beat the Patriots. And it will have to be him, not his defense, that does the winning. If you've watched Belichick at all over the past decade you know he's going to force Sanchez to make critical throws if the Jets have any chance.

- So where are we left?

Jets at Patriots: The last beatdown by the Pats is still fresh in the minds of the Jets and they'll be looking for payback. However, this Patriot's team is nowhere near as depleted as the Colts team the Jets were lucky to beat. Way too many weapons and way too much Tom Brady who knows the Jets like the back of his hand at this point. Rex Ryan may have a few tricks up his sleeve, but Brady/Belichick will make the adjustments and pull this one out.

Besides, it's possible the Pats got into the collective heads of this Jets team. Even Ryan admitted it took a few weeks to get over the sting from that last game.

Ravens at Steelers: Two teams that are also very familiar with each other and evenly matched. When in doubt, go with the home team. Steelers win on a last second field goal.

Seahawks at Bears: So Chicago lucks out again, hosting the lamest team to ever make the playoffs and a team that's still riding high from last weekend. Bears defense will not fall for those same pump fake tactics and Seattle is just happy to be here. And they're not at home. Bears in a rout.

Packers at Falcons: Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought Philly was a tougher matchup for this Green Bay team. The Packers can take this game. If you're a Falcons fan, this is the worst possible team you could have hoped to see. Packers by ten.

Today's distraction: In one of the stupidest traditions to ever be thought up, today is 'No Pants Day'. Wouldn't this have made more sense in any other month than January? Not only do I have to see dipshits in their boxers, but they're experiencing record breaking shrinkage.

Walk This Way

2011-01-06T11:41:00.000-05:00

My boys give me grief every time I make them walk to school. If the weather is nice enough and we're on time, we hoof it about a mile or so to school.

Those ingrates should be thanking me! Once again, I have scientific proof that I should be Father of the Year if it weren't for the drunk and disorderly charges and that whole 'chaining my kids in the basement' misunderstanding.

The University of Pittsburgh recently released findings that not only does walking help with your physical well being but relates directly to your mental well being, as well. According to the college in Steeler-land, 'walking at least six miles a week may protect brain size and, in turn, preserve memory'.

If I make the boys walk to school five days a week (not usually, but 3 - 4 when that bitch Winter isn't around) that would equal out to 6 or so miles a week. That doesn't include all the walking they do as part of their day: recess, gym class, etc. Therefore, I am making my kids smarter by making them walk. Or at the very least, helping them remember all the nonsense I've put in their heads.

Sadly, all this does is make them remain on par with every other kid in the world. I figure having me as their father loses them 10 - 15 IQ points due to the genetic mess I handed down and having been in such close proximity to my demented brain their entire lives. Growing up with me shaping sociological and behavioral patterns can't be good for any living thing.

Still, I am helping them down the line. As the study claims, walking is also good for 'staving off cognitive impairment' in the elderly. Hey, I'm elderly!! Yay for me!

But wait, there's more!

This same school just connected walking gait and speed of elderly people to how long they may live. I would link to it, but you have to pay for it for some strange reason. Anything for a buck, I guess.

According to the article 'the researchers found that gait speed was associated with differences in the probability of survival at all ages in both sexes, but was especially informative after age 75 years'. Now, granted, it could be that if you're 75 and walk well you're in better health than those 75 year olds that need a go-kart to get around. But I won't let simplistics like that get in the way of my twisted rationale.

Our researchers again: 'Predicted years of remaining life for each sex and age increased as gait speed increased, with a gait speed of about 0.8 meters [2.6 feet]/second at the median [midpoint] life expectancy at most ages for both sexes. Gait speeds of 1.0 meter [3.3 feet]/second or higher consistently demonstrated survival that was longer than expected by age and sex alone. In this older adult population the relationship of gait speed with remaining years of life was consistent across age groups, but the absolute number of expected remaining years of life was larger at younger ages'.

While I've never measured my walking pace, I can safely say I'm well above the 1 meter per second referenced here. I'm a very fast walker and am constantly annoyed by the slower people in my way. I believe I've mentioned this before about one hundred thousand times in this space.

Let's do some math. I walk to and from the train station every day. It's about two and a half miles round trip. 2.5 times 5 equals 12.5 miles. Add to that walking I do during the work day (it's surprisingly high as I don't sit at my desk much during most days) and I would estimate 15 - 18 miles a week I walk.

And walk quickly.

More math: Quicker walkers live longer. Walkers retain their mental faculties better than non walkers.

Conclusion: I am an invicible, all knowing being who would be in greater power of authority if beer didn't kill all the brain cells my walking helped create. I supposed I could rule the world if I quit drinking, but we all know that's not happening any time soon.

Did I say soon? I meant EVER!!! Stupid brain.

Today's distraction: Check out some of the 1700 words Shakespeare invented. That's insane!! Wait, did he invent that word, too? I'll bet he walked everywhere.

Gift Wrapped

2011-01-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

Another holiday season has come and gone; leaving me to pass along one piece of news.

I made it until midnight for the second year in a row! As did the boys (aged 10 and 5) who thought they were in heaven. I forgot how fun it was as a kid to stay up to usher in the New Year. It isn't until late 20s when you realize that it could be the most over rated holiday of all time. Well, second behind Valentine's Day. At least NYE is a legitimate excuse to drink.

Here are some nuggets from the past two weeks.

- We had Christmas Eve dinner at my sister in law's house where my the grandparents allowed the boys to open their gifts. My youngest has been obsessed with trains lately so his grandmother picked up a cheap, battery operated train set. I would estimate she spent between 15 and 20 dollars on the thing. Well, you would have thought it was the greatest thing he had ever seen. He unwraps the box, excitedly tells me what he got and declares 'This is the greatest Christmas EVER!' while marching the box around the house.

- He and my oldest also got a combined 6 Lego sets. Oldest enjoys the new Halo War sets while youngest received 4 - count 'em FOUR - Iron Man 2 sets. You know who puts these friggin' things together, right? Yours truly. I spent countless hours snapping Legos together during a week I was supposed to be enjoying my vacation. I fairly sure those were invented to torture parents, not to entertain kids.

- Got Wifey the new ColorNOOK (spelled just like that, for some odd reason) and she has been playing with it for hours and hours. It hooks into Facebook and has games and stuff so reading is the one thing she hasn't used it for. Figures.

- Wifey got me the new Wii Active 2 - which is a virtual trainer that doubles as the biggest hint in Christmas history. I've been kicking my own ass at the gym since mid December, so I figured I'll test it out and set it for an intense workout. It starts off stretching you out, showing you how to do certain exercises and I'm thinking 'Meh, this might be too light weight for me'. No sooner had the thought entered my head when the trainer says 'Ok, ready?' and kicks my ass for 20 solid minutes. It won't replace the gym, but I was sore the next day and is going to be a great addition to my current workout. It even has fun games sprinkled in (like mountain biking and sparring) that break up the routine. Highly recommended if you're looking for something to get your ass off the couch during these cold winter months.

- Wifey and I also broke down and gave eldest a cell phone. He's in love with the stupid thing even though we got it for free (shhhhhhhhh). We also went to great lengths to act like Santa brought it only to find out he's had conversations with his buddies that Santa is code for 'parents'. One down, one to go. For the record he hasn't broached the subject with me and has been talking to his youngest like Santa is real, but he gives off the overly earnest vibe that makes me not believe him for one second.

He also got his first lesson in giving out his cell phone number to anyone who asks when his cousin started texting him the day after Christmas and, when he didn't respond, kept after him. Now, two things here. First, he doesn't have a texting package on his phone so it's costing us every text he sends and receives. Second, this cousin has said three words to him since they've been alive. If that. Even he was confused and told me 'Dad, she never talks to me. Why is she texting me?'. Welcome to cell phone ownership, my son.

- We also scored Celtic tickets for the entire family (for this Friday night...boo yeah) which will mark my youngest son's first foray into the New Gahhhhden. His first question: 'Are we taking the train in?' We are and he's more excited about that than the actual game.

- One of my coworkers introduced me to 'Pocket Coffee'. If you are unfamiliar, it's a small piece of dark chocolate (which is good for your heart!) filled with a shot of espresso. They're made in Italy and hard to find around here. So imagine my surprise when I find a bag full of them by my office door. It's the little things in life.

- Some quick football thoughts:

1: The Saints are fighting all sorts of history this weekend. They've never won a road playoff game. The only other two playoff teams with a .500 record or lower has won it's opening playoff game. It's been nearly five years since a defending Super Bowl champ has won a playoff game. And still the Saints should destroy this Seattle team.

Prediction: Brees is sitting the fourth quarter with the Saints up by 30.

2: Two teams I hate/fear the most (Jets and Colts) face each other. My best case scenario is the Colts beating the Jets but Peyton Manning suffers a broken leg while completing the game winning touchdown with no time remaining.

Prediction: Jets win barely.

3: Baltimore's defense has been over rated for months now. And if any team is going to expose them it will be Kansas City. However, there is the Todd Haley factor to consider in that he has the best running game in the league, yet insists on passing in first and goal from the three yard line situations. Maybe he's been saving himself for the playoffs? You know...throwing everyone off the scent?? Maybe???

Prediction: The Ravens pull off a last minute win by intercepting a Cassel pass and running 99 yards for a touchdown.

4: Packers versus Eagles is the game I'm super excited for. Although I can't, for the life of me, figure out why everyone is still so high on the Packers. They've done nothing to impress since mid season. That Chicago win was U-G-L-Y - YOU UGLY! They should put up some numbers, though.

Prediction: Packers win a close one confusing everyone in Philly who thought Donovan McNabb was the problem.

- Movie review with spoilers. If you haven't seen 'Splice' and don't want it ruined, skip this part.

What - I thought - was supposed to be a horror flick is simply the most sexually bizarre movie I can ever remember. Sarah Polley and Adrian Brody are a married, super smart couple who decide it's time to splice human DNA with something else (I think bird, but that's never made clear). They create a little girl/freak hybrid that becomes the love of their life. Brody's character is more resistant to this creation but has little problem boning his wife knowing full well a five year old girl/creature is watching from a nearby room. He also has little problem boning that same girl later in the movie (she grows up fast) even though she has hooves for feet, can't talk, sprouts wings, and has the very real potential to rip his head off (for all they know about this thing) after mating is complete.

But all that pales in comparison to when this girl creature abruptly turns into a male and rapes the Sarah Polley character near the end of the movie. Since it's discovered Polley used her own DNA as part of the procedure, we have the first movie where a woman inadvertendly rapes herself. How did 'Back To The Future' or 'TimeCop' miss that paradox?

To sum up, the married couple nail each other and each nail the creature they create. Oh, and this movie sucked so bad thinking about how fucked up it is was the most entertaining part.

- I've got ten tickets for the 330 million dollar Mega Millions tonight. If I show up at work tomorrow with a new Ferrari....oh who am I kidding? I ain't coming to work if I win. I'll be on the first flight to LA to see old friends and buy that 4 million diamond ring off Kobe's wife.

- Don't look now, but those 'firming' (aka ri-fucking-diculous looking sneakers) are in the middle of a lawsuit by women with still flabby asses. They claim the sneakers do not tone. No word if the women have been wearing them while sitting on the couch, eating nachos and watching 'The Biggest Loser' marathons. They do know they have to 'walk' for them to work, right?

- I'm super excited that we are seeing the end of the constant Brett Favre adulation/obsession only to hear there is yet another lawsuit regarding his time with the Jets. How friggin' hard up is Favre, anyway? Can't he just fly his wife in for a hummer? Did he have a side bet going with Tiger? The more we learn about BF the bigger a dick he appears to be.

- It's now January 4th and we still haven't had the national championship game. Weren't these things decided on New Year's Day? How is this farce still going on?

- Lastly, Bill Buckner is returning to the Boston area to manage the Brockton Rox baseball team. This is the local minor league team that constantly uses old school promotional gimmicks to get attention. I still have their 'Grady Little' bobble arm in my office. It's got the date and time stamped on it when Grady should have called for a left handed reliever rather than leaving Pedro in to face Matsui. It's fantastic. They even got around paying MLB licensing fees by having the jersey read Red Socks.

Until next time.

Today's distraction: Even dogs like shooting games. Of all the aspects of this video that the parent keeps filming instead of trying to help his son is the most disturbing to me. 'ahahahahahah, look my kid's getting sexually assaulted by an animal. Keep rolling!!'

2010 In Review - Movies

2010-12-28T11:20:00.000-05:00

A few things before we get started.

In my music entry I wrote that I probably missed one album, but turned out I was wrong. I missed two!

Transference - Spoon and The Chaos - The Futureheads. Not sure how I forgot them as they're still in constant rotation on my iPod, but I'm basically an idiot so....yeah.

Also, for television I completely forgot to mention the 30 for 30 documentary series on ESPN. Not all of them worked (the fantasy baseball one was nearly unwatchable) but for the most part they nailed it. The SMU football program, the Esteban soccer one, the race car driver with AIDS (sorry, can't recall his name off the top of my head), and especially (for me) the Len Bias one which - while picking at old Celtic wounds - brought the tragedy to a much more personal level.

I debated even writing this entry since my movie watching habits are a year behind everyone else. I don't enjoy going to the theater much due to annoying and/or obnoxious people so Netflix has become my movie land.

I reconsidered for what has become my single favorite movie of 2010, however. Since most of you have probably never heard of it, I wanted to pass it along in the hopes I could convince one of you to check it out. You can even watch it online if you have Netflix subscription.

Let's get to it.

SINGLE MOST ENTERTAINING MOVIE OF THE YEAR

The Good, The Bad, The Weird:  This Korean homage (the H is silent) to the spaghetti westerns is the most fun I've had watching a movie all year. Paced like lightning, frequently hilarious, with exhilarating, over the top (do those guns ever run out of bullets?) action sequences and culminating in a chase straight out of a Mad Max movie. Just when I thought it couldn't get any more insane, the Japanese army is introduced. Do yourself a favor and watch the first 15 minutes of this movie. If you enjoy the train scene you'll get a kick out of the rest of it, as well. Even the final showdown between the three main characters contains a punch line that I loved. My Christmas gift to you.

FUNNIEST MOVIE I'VE SEEN ALL YEAR

The Hangover:  See what I mean? Everyone else saw this in 2009. I saw this in January, but it still holds the place for funniest goddamn flick I've seen all year. Rewatchability is off the charts and could be the most quoted movie of our life times.

Runner up

Get Him to the Greek:  While it turns into a bro-mance during the last thirty minutes, the first hour is hilarious. See it for Sean (P-Diddy) Combs coming out party. Whenever he's on screen, he's the funniest character. 'Do you feel my dick fucking your mind?'

BIGGEST INJUSTICE

DayBreakers:  How this original, film noirish vampire movie gets over looked for the Twilight saga bullshit is something I'll never figure out. Extremely violent (especially the spectacular, blood soaked finale) yet haunting and emotionally involving in a way most movies could only wish to be.

MOST REALISTIC

North Face:  The true story of two teams trapped on the North Face of Eiger Mountain while trying to become the first to conquer it. If you've ever wanted to know the challenges and vigors of mountain climbing from the safety of your living room couch, this is the movie to see.

BEST ACTOR

Michael Sheen:  Not only nailing it in 'The Damned United' (see below), but brought cocky vulnerability and hidden insecurity to his portrayal of David Frost in 'Frost/Nixon'.

Runner up

Timothy Olyphant:  Starred in one of my favorite movies of the year ('The Crazies') and completely stole the show in 'A Perfect Getaway' with his rouge, deranged yet charming performance as a possible serial killer hiking the Hawaiian outback.

BEST SPORTS MOVIE

The Damned United:  Micheal Sheen cements himself as one of the best actors on the globe with his portrayal of egotistical, out of control, selfish soccer coach Brian Clough. I finally understand what is meant when people say 'a player's coach' because Clough is the exact opposite of that.

BEST MOVIE FROM BOOK

Shutter Island:  Completely absorbing even though I had read the book and knew the ending before hand. Can't get any more complimentary than that. Between this and 'The Departed' I think DeCaprio and Scorsese should only work with each other from now on. And only film in the Boston area. You're two for two, guys. Why mess up a good thing?

Runner up

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo:  This Swedish adaptation of the best seller remains faithful to the book while cutting out 100 pages of bullshit. The rare example of the movie being better.

BEST CAMEO

Bill Murray in 'ZombieLand': 'Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked in. Nobody there'

BEST THRILLER

The Ghost Writer:  Starts off harmlessly enough before layering on suspicion after suspicion; building to a climax that is shocking, logical in it's own way and highly disturbing. This would also win for best ending of the year. The final shot is still with me. One other note: that Ewan McGregor comes off as charming and likable as he does here should be further proof that George Lucas is a terrible director of actors. He barely had a personality as young Obi Wan in those Star Wars movies.

BEST ANIMATED MOVIE

The Fantastic Mr Fox:  Hip, hilarious, intelligent and much more uplifting than the depressing 'Toy Story 3'. Honorable mention to 'How To Train Your Dragon' for the delirious flight sequences.

BEST ACTION MOVIE

Kick Ass:  Violent, funny revenge tale put over the top with the addition of a deranged father and daughter crime fighting duo. The little girl is as coarse and vulgar as any character ever put to film. Not for everyone, but I really enjoyed this.

BEST SCENE

500 Days of Summer:  The scene after our male 'hero' exits his apartment after having sex with Summer for the first time. He gets knowing looks from other women, high fives from random passing men, before the entire city around him breaks into dance routine. Magic!

MOST DISTURBING

Waltz With Bashir:  While this was great movie making, it's hard to recommend it as required viewing. It's sort of a documentary, but animated as many of the interviewees didn't want to be shown on camera. The story involves the narrator trying to figure out why he's lost some memories of war. The answer is not for the faint of heart (or stomach) and the animated style does nothing to ease the trauma.

WORST PLOT TWIST

Orphan:  Little girl adopted by upper class, annoyingly self centered family gets more than they bargained for when it turns out the 'little girl' is actually 35 years old. See she suffers from 'dwarphism' so she looks little which doesn't explain why she likes pretending she's 12 and killing people. Would have been more interesting if she was actually a psychopathic 12 year old.

MOST VIOLENT

Dead Snow:  Nazi zombies come back from the dead (uh...undead?) after their gold is stolen. Decapitations and intestines galore, but it's approached with humor and some legitimate suspense. Not great, but if you're a horror fan, you'll enjoy this.

SCARIEST

The Orphanage:  You'll never view a game of 'red light - green light' the same way again.

Runner up

Paranormal Activity:  Legitimate frights (esp the footsteps in the talcum powder) as a couple records some strange activity in their house. Once again, however, the alternate ending works better than the one released in theaters.

and finally....

SINGLE WORST MOVIE I'VE SEEN THIS YEAR

Knowing:  Nick Cage proves he will literally do anything for a buck by starring in this confusing and pointless flick about either A: the end of the world or B: aliens saving the human race. Both movies suck.

Hope everyone enjoys their New Year's and got everything they wanted for Christmas.

2010 In Review - Television

2010-12-21T15:32:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite shows this year came at the very end and proves - once and for all - that the DVR could be the greatest invention of our lifetimes.

Here's how it happened. I get an email from one of my old high school buddies who tells me that there is a new show beginning that is based on one of his favorite comic book series. Now, granted, this isn't a ringing endorsement for me, but I set the DVR and figured I could take it off if the show didn't do it for me.

Bang. I was hooked from the first 10 minutes.

Television seems to be getting better and better lately. I dare say the there are more quality television shows than there are quality Hollywood movies. Yeah, I went there.

Ok, let's get to it. I'm going to try to put the correct channel and time the show is on to get you to set your own DVRs but I have a hard time figuring out when things are on. I usually just hit 'My Recordings' and select the show I want to watch. It really makes life so much more enjoyable.

BEST OF THE BEST

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday 10pm): This was the comic book show my friend alerted me to and I will be forever in his debt. Sadly, there were only 6 episodes in the opening season but that also makes it easy for you to catch up on.  Maybe Hulu has the episodes? Yes, it's gory and there is one scene that is easily the most disgusting series of events (it involves masking human scent with zombie) ever put on television but it's the characters and acting that put this over the top. The season finale had me rooting for the survival of characters I didn't even know I cared about. Kudos to everyone involved in this violent masterpiece.

The Good Wife (CBS, Tuesday 10pm): I've written enough about this here already, so just friggin' watch it, will ya? Each episode perfectly balances a stand alone court room trial with the ongoing ripple effects of a father/husband political scandal on every member of a family. Last week's death trial episode is a great example: how the decision of the trial changes the religious life of the daughter. Interesting, too, that this is the first drama I can remember that has characters feeling apprehensive about religion.  Intelligent, funny, superbly directed, must see.

Modern Family (ABC, Wednesday 9pm): I mentioned this to several people who all say the same thing: 'I don't watch it regularly, but when I do it's really funny'. Well, watch it regularly then. Why deprive yourself of the funniest show on network television since 'Seinfeld'?

Community (NBC, Thursday 9pm): While not as funny as the first season, this still provides plenty of laughs with pop culture references and satire riffing on all sorts of movies. The episode where Troy and Abed built a fort, which becomes a college fad across the country is a highlight. Although, frankly, the jokes come so rapid fire at times they can get lost unless you watch it again.

30 Rock (NBC, Thursday 9:30pm): Somehow this show keeps getting funnier. To be fair, though, this could just be better with the subtraction of the god awful Julianne Moore character.  Twenty years ago, who would have ever predicted Alec Baldwin would be the funniest guy on TV.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO, Sunday 9pm): I had my doubts after the series opener, but this show built on each previous episode like a mammoth feature film. Stellar acting from everyone, story arcs that are engrossing, violence, sex (fairly certain every female in the show is naked at some point) and character turns that are shocking even if - in hindsight - we should have seen coming. Special shout out to the actor portraying Al Capone who brings vulnerability, humanity and humor to one of the most notorious gangsters in history. Also intriguing is how the show treats the quiet trauma of the recently ended war. Back when nobody 'discussed' bad things, physically and emotionally scarred men litter the shadows of every corner.

Terriers (FX, Wednesday 10pm): An alcoholic ex-cop and his low life former criminal/now best friend, inadvertently become private investigators and slowly uncover an enormous land grab scandal that has yet to play out. Unpredictable, often funny, always human and - at times - uncomfortably real. Didn't realize how much I looked forward to watching this until FX was gone from Dish Network for a few weeks. Thought maybe it had been cancelled or was a short run series and was very happy to have everyone back in my life.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Cougar Town (ABC, Wednesday 9:30pm): I know, but it's actually sort of strange, ensemble comedy that has two to ten great laughs an episode. The title has little to do with what the show is actually about as the men are what makes this show hilarious.

Detroit 187 (NBC, Tuesday 10pm): Standard police drama that took a huge leap forward it's last few episodes which address the racial scars left behind from the riots of the early 70s.

House (Fox, Monday 8pm): I had my doubts when Cuddy and House became lovers and 13 disappeared without explanation or follow up, but I rather enjoyed the breaking in of newbie (Joan of Arcadia) and the dismantling of her 'always tell the truth' philosophy.

The Office (NBC, Thursday 9pm): Agreed, it's nowhere near as good as it's greatest seasons, but it still provides laughs and the snowball fight episode was it's best in a long time.

GUILTY PLEASURE

Jersey Shore (MTV, on constant rotation): Watching scumbags, douchebags and tramps frollic around should never be this entertaining. That I find myself actually liking a few of these people is a testament to how well this show is put together.

WORST SHOW OF THE YEAR

Outsourced (NBC, Thursday 9:30pm): Really, NBC? I couldn't get past ten minutes of this disaster.

MOST FRUSTRATING

The Event (NBC, no clue): Made it through four episodes before ditching. Confusing, slow moving despite the constant 'action' scenes and improbable escapes in nearly every episode. If this conspiracy has been so effective for decades how can they not stop one 20 something moron from mucking up the works. Just shoot him in the head already. By the way, my theory was that group of people are time travelers from the future. Thus they can't say anything to anyone for fear of messing up their own present. Butterfly effect, if you will. Fortunately, I don't care if I'm right or not. I'll just take comfort knowing my theory is probably better than what is actually going on.

JUSTICE SERVED

Lone Star: Despite rave reviews and a non stop promotional campaign from Fox, the show was canceled after three episodes. I caught the first one and was left unimpressed. When you ask viewers to sympathize with a con man living separate lives you better make sure you cast the perfect actor for the part.  Flashing an 'aren't I good looking?' smile does not equal charisma.

MIGHT BE TIME TO SAY GOODNIGHT

Bones (Fox, Thursday 8pm): Still better than most shows out there and I'll keep watching, but the love triangle is tired and the charm of the relationships seems forced. Every now and then an episode captures that old magic which just makes the other shows pale in comparison.

American Idol (Fox, every friggin' night for eternity): Does anyone outside of Fox think this show can work without Simon? He was the reality check and I sure as hell don't think Steven Tyler or Jennifer Lopez is willing to carry that torch for him. My only hope is a sex scandal involving Tyler and/or Lopez and 15 contestants.

MOST SCHIZOPHRENIC

V: What started off as a disturbing, fast paced allegory about terrorism and civil rights quickly veered into camp during the second half of last season. I knew things somehow went wrong when I was rooting for the aliens (esp that hot, blonde one) to finish off the annoying human rebels.

With that, my friends, we head into a new 2011 year. I'm guessing there will be some new shows that we'll be discussing next year.

2010 In Review - Music

2010-12-15T18:01:00.000-05:00

Another year has blown by. Why does time seem to go quicker the older we get? My eldest will be in middle school next year. I don’t feel old enough to have a kid in middle school! I’m certainly not mature enough.

While I can’t stop the flow of time, I can revel in what it provides. 2010, if nothing else, gave us some great music. I dare say it was one of the best years for tunes in a while.

Without further ado, my favorite music from the year winding down. These are in no order if you’re wondering. I’m never that organized.

BEST OF THE BEST

Arcade Fire – The Suburbs: When 2020 rolls around this will make many Best of the Decade lists. I don’t care how many artists release great albums over the next ten years; it’s going to be nearly impossible to top this one. A cohesive release from a band hitting their creative and musical stride. Not a bad song to be found.

Buy it for: Just freakin' buy it already.

The National – High Violet: I’ve never been a huge fan of these guys until I heard ‘Bloodbuzz Ohio’ and Pacing the Cage posted one of their live videos on his blog. Their earlier stuff was always a bit dull to my ears. Not this one. They still adopt a minimalist bent, but by no means is this boring. They also provide the most wryly hilarious lyric of the year with ‘I’m a confident liar – I’ll have my head in the oven so you’ll know where I’ll be’.

Buy it for: ‘Bloodbuzz Ohio’

Keep it for: ‘Little Faith’; ‘Conversation 16’; hell - take your pick…

Male Bonding – Year’s Not Long: Raw, energetic, while being shockingly melodic. It sometimes seems the band is playing one song while the lead singer is singing another. Somehow the pieces fit together in a fun, 1990 college radio way. Yes, that’s a compliment.

Buy it for: ‘Crooked Scene’

Keep it for: ‘All Things This Way’; ‘Weird Feelings’

Bad Religion – The Dissent of Man: The veteran punk band comes back to show this generation’s young posers exactly how it’s done. The energy and sound has barely changed, which, in this case is a very good thing.

Buy it for: ‘Turn Your Back On Me’

Keep it for: ‘Devil in Stitches’; ‘I Won’t Say Anything’, ‘Ad Hominem’

Black Mountain – Wilderness Heart: Shades of classic Black Sabbath, Cream and a host of other classic rock bands influence – but never over shadow - this release. There is something inherently sexy about a woman’s voice singing over hard charging, aggressive rock music. I have no idea what the co-lead singer looks like, but I’m in love.

Buy it for: ‘Let Spirits Ride’

Keep it for: ‘The Hair Song’; ‘Old Fangs; ‘Buried by the Blues’

The Black Keys – Brothers: Yet, another old fashioned, yet never stale, rock/blues hybrid from a bad that deserves more recognition then they are receiving. Considering the already impressive amount of quality music these guys have put out it is well past time to pay attention.

Buy it for: ‘I’m Not The One’

Keep it for: ‘Everlasting Light’; ‘Tighten Up’; ‘Howlin’ For You’

The Black Pacific – The Black Pacific: Black is apparently the color for 2010. I have no information on these guys or where they came from. I can only tell you they tear through their instruments like Metallica while singing like Smash Mouth. On paper it sounds strange; to my ears it sounds like nirvana.

Buy it for: ‘The System’

Keep… At your own risk.

These New Puritans – Hidden: Beautiful, haunting, slightly deranged, and could be the start of a beautiful relationship between us. While I’m no musical expert, I keep being drawn back to this over and over. It could be the soundtrack to my dreams if I ever remembered them.

Buy it for: ‘Attack Music’

Keep it for: ‘Orion’; ‘Canticle’; ‘We Want War’

Two Door Cinema Club – Tourist History: Take a large scoop of Phoenix, add a dash of Vampire Weekend, sprinkle in some Bloc Party and you have created a heaping pile of toe tapping, addictive awesomeness.

Buy it for: ‘Cigarettes in the Theatre’

Keep it for: ‘Undercover Martyn’; ‘I Can Talk’; ‘What You Know’

Ray Wylie Hubbard – A: Enlightenment B. Endarkment…: More rock then country but more blues than rock. Whatever the fuck you want to call it, just know it’s a musician forging his own damaged legacy as we listen and enjoy.

Buy it for: The same reason you will listen to it over and over - every song on here.

Menomena- Mines: Quirky, off beat, yet highly accessible. What I would imagine The National would have been if they injested massive doses of LSD.

Buy it for: ‘Queen Black Acid’

Keep it for: ’Intil’; ‘Killemall’; ‘Five Little Rooms’

Killing Joke – Absolute Dissent: Classic, metal rock sound that adds moodiness and some electronic elements while retaining an angry edge. I just picked this up last week and can’t stop listening to it.

Buy it for: ‘Endgame’

Keep it for: ‘Honour The Fire’; ‘Here Comes The Singularity’; ‘The Great Cull’

The Flatliners – The Calming Collection: This has been on constant rotation since I bought it back in June. Nothing fancy here – just straight ahead rock and roll from Canadians who seem much too angry to actually be from Canada. Don't be fooled by the title, there is nothing calming about this. For adrenaline junkies only.

Buy it for: ‘Count Your Bruises’

Keep it for: ‘New Year’s Resolutions’; ‘He Was A Jazzman’; ‘Monumental’

HONORABLE MENTION

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor: Indy rock at it's finest. A bit rough in spots, but can't wait to see what they do next.

Citay - Dream Get Together: A modern take on Fleetwood Mac laced with trippy California feel good vibes.

A Day To Remember - What Separates Me From You: Whoever fucked these guys up should be very afraid. Combines hard core metal with pop punk with surprisingly strong results.

Fang Island - Fang Island: Instrumentally, these guys kick some ass while trying to make themselves accessible to the masses.

Far - At Night We Live: Veteran band that influenced Thursday and Blink 182 (among others) returns to prove age doesn't matter if you're still pissed off at the world. Also contains the best cover of the year.

Guster - Easy Wonderful: Another band that gets little fan fare despite their consistently strong body of work.

Fitz and The Tantrums - Pickin' Up The Pieces: Throw back to the Motown days with modern sensibilities to give it that push towards originality.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown: Why does this always happen? A band hits it big with a song then tries to recreate that same song over and over again in a lame attempt to recapture that magic. Of all bands, I thought for sure the Kings of Leon would avoid that trap. Sadly, no. Even they can't escape their own success.

STRANGEST ATTEMPT AT HITTING IT BIG

Stone Sour - Audio Secrecy: Slipknot members without their masks as far as I can tell. What amazes me is they nearly pull this off. 'Say You'll Haunt Me', 'Unfinished' and 'The Bitter End' kick ass. But missteps like 'Hesitate' where they explore their sensitive, power ballad side sound forced. Not terrible by any means, but they should stick with what they do best.

BIGGEST SURPRISE

Idlewild - Post Electric Blues: I had completely given up on this band after they ditched what made them great ('The Remote Part' is still one of my favorite albums of all time) and tried to jump into the mainstream. Members have left and others added and they turned offensively bland. So imagine my surprise when they emerge with yet another new lineup and crank out their strongest material in nearly a decade. Welcome back.

SINGLE WORST SONG I'VE HEARD THIS YEAR

Owl City - Fireflies: For the life of me, I can't figure out how songs like this get constant radio play. I hate this song with everything I am and will ever be. If someone ever figures out time travel, I will risk my life to go back in time and stop this song from ever being recorded.

BEST DISCOVERY

Legalsounds.com: A strictly MP3 download site that charges about a buck an album and takes power away from iTunes. It's a bit cluttered (although a recent upgrade has made things much more pleasant) and you need to know what you're looking for, but it's constantly adding to the library. Even better the site will track your purchases so if you ever have your hard drive wiped out you can go back, login and re-download all the music you've bought through them. How has iTunes never considered this? Once again, a simple, convenient, customer friendly aspect from a competitor makes me realize how suck ass Apple really is.

Sadly, I'm sure I missed something. It happens every year. I hit that Publish Post button and immediately realized I forgot a great album. Apologies in advance.

Slacker!

2010-12-07T16:29:00.000-05:00

Allow me to make the joke for you:

This blog should be renamed ‘BeachBum’s Occasional Diversions’.

Sorry, but I’ve been busy! Not only is work picking up at the exact time of year when things are supposed to slow down, but I’ve been bettering myself through education. I’ve been taking some classes in an attempt to get certified for some technical mumbo jumbo bullshit (what’s that acronym? STMJBS?)

Luckily for you loyal readers (all three of you), I have time to jot down some notes today.

- Let’s start with the news I’m MOST excited about: A certain Adrian Gonzalez becoming part of Red Sox Nation! Theo and company have been after him for years and finally managed a deal with the Padres to get him to Boston. While I’m confused why it suddenly only took 3 prospects to finalize the trade after all this time (what changed with the Padres?) and I spent Sunday bemoaning the rumors that the deal might fall apart at the last minute (ala Mark Tiexeira), I haven’t been this thrilled with a Red Sox move since….

…well, I can’t remember when. When we first signed Manny? Let’s go with that.

Spring training can’t come soon enough!

- I’m also riding high off the Patriots utter destruction of a supposedly championship caliber Jets team. Neither Sanchez’ nor Rex Ryan’s finest hour last night. I always enjoy watching big mouths get slapped around. That it was the Pats doing the bitch slapping made it that much more enjoyable.

I watched some of the pre game hubbub (how can ‘experts’ talk about one game for so long?) on ESPN and our local channel in Boston and became increasingly frustrated with most analysts view of the Patriots defense as one of the worst. Yes, statistically it is, but – and this is where these talking heads miss the bigger picture – this secondary is extremely young and has been playing much better as the season has progressed. With the secondary playing better, the front line is becoming more effective. So yes, the Pats do have a statistically awful defense up to this point, but they have improved week by week and not one person who spent all this time analyzing these two teams mentioned it.

- My crowning achievement this past weekend was scoring a PERFECT gift for Wifey. I give you the ColorNOOK. It’s one of those eReader things she’s been wanting for a while, only it has a web browser (so she can go on Facebook and tell everyone she got a new ColorNOOK), Pandora’s music service, and a number of free apps available from the Barnes and Noble site. That’s right, it’s more like an iPad than an eReader but it only costs half of what the iPad does ($250). Nothing puts a hop in your step than knowing you’ve picked out the exact right thing. And it wasn’t at the last minute for once! Will wonders never cease?

- Eldest son is asking for a cell phone for Christmas this year so tonight Wifey and I are heading to Verizon to see what sort of deal we can get. If we can score him a freebie while changing to a family plan, he’ll think we’re the greatest parents ever. And he’d be correct.

- There is also some controversy surrounding one of his other requests. He has ‘Call of Duty: Black Ops’ on his list and I initially told him he could remove it. I refuse to get a ten year old any game rated M. I allow T (for Teen) occasionally, but never an M game even though he insists on asking every time. Well, this weekend the new ads come in the Sunday Globe and he points out that the game for Xbox 360 is rated T. I check another ad and find it rated M for the Playstation. So what gives? Are there two different ratings for the same game? Does it depend on the system? Are they releasing an M and T rated version? I’m like my father finally: totally confused about what my son is asking for Christmas. Only took 43 years, but I made it.

- I’m considering a Droid. Either the HTC Incredible or the Droid X. Any advice out there on either of these? Currently using a Blackberry but the screen is beginning to flicker and flash.

- Just realized it’s December! Time to get cracking on my annual Year End Review. Unfortunately, I’ll be in DC for the next five days, so I may not have time to get to it until late next week. Stupid work.

- Rumor has it that the Red Sox offered Marino Rivera a three year deal. Can you imagine if they pulled that off?

- Thirty two year old Jason Werth gets a seven year, hundred billion dollar deal for two decent years in Philly? I’m officially putting all my retirement funds on getting my two boys into baseball full time. If I have to move to Texas, so be it.

By the way, this deal will look catastrophic in two years, never mind seven.

- I’ve been away from Saturday Night Live for a few years, but have returned thanks to my DVR. While I’ve only seen a few bits from previous seasons, I think I’m safe declaring this year an unmitigated disaster. Last week wasted Robert Deniro, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller, and an hour of my life. There are sparks here and there, but mostly the skits are dreadful. What the fuck is going on?

- Want another reason to push your boys into baseball? Check out these pics from Big Papi’s charity golf tournament in the Dominican Republic. The first ten in particular show the wives of Papi, Pedroia and Darnell McDonald. I have only two words: Holy shit!

- Apparently WikiLeaks is causing world wide panic with all these confidential documents they’re posting on their site. While I can understand some concern, shouldn’t governments be required to operate with transparency? Democratic countries in particular have a duty to let their citizens know what they’re up to, right? We elected them, we pay their salaries.

Besides, why are they so upset that it’s leaked that Obama was pissed at certain countries because they still fund terrorist organizations or aren’t helping out? Don’t we want to know that stuff? If anything, it makes me feel better that Obama and the U.S. is still working tirelessly to prevent another terrorist attack anywhere in the world. Seems most of this ‘confidential’ information is mostly common sense anyway.

- Put up the Christmas Tree over the weekend and had the boys decorate it. All the ornaments are clumped together from my chest level down. As it does every year, Wifey’s obsessive compulsive disorder took over and she rearranged them all so they’re perfectly organized. Nothing trumpets in the holiday season better than a woman raging against clutter.

- What in holy hell is going on with the Redskins? Shanahan comes in and openly questions Haynesworth conditioning. Things start off ok, but sour when Shanahan benches Donovan McNabb because he was out of shape. As a reward for getting benched and being out of shape McNabb signs a five year, 70 million dollar extension.

Next Haynesworth doesn’t dress for a game. He says it was coach’s decision or illness depending on who you talked. Now Shanahan turns around and suspends Haynesworth for the rest of the season. Without pay!

If you take into account the way Shanahan left Denver, there has to be some serious appreciation given for his ability to submarine his own team. He did the same thing with Jake Plummer halfway through his last season there and named Jay Cutler starter. Things quickly went south for the team from there.

Putting Shanahan together with Haynesworth probably wasn’t a great idea no matter which way you spin it, but I’ll side with the coaches on this one. Some reports are saying that Haynesworth wasn’t sick but hungover on the Friday before practice which is why he was benched for Sunday’s game.

The only two things I know for certain: Shanahan will not win coach of the year and there will never be another 100 million dollar contract in NFL history.

- Tomorrow night is our company holiday party and you can expect many many many many beers to be consumed by yours truly. Last year there was more money left over than the company expected so a buddy and I ordered a few very expensive shots of whiskey that tasted wonderful. I should be rich. I certainly enjoy the lifestyle.

Until next time, friends. Not sure when that will be, but soon.

Today’s distraction: T-Mobile sponsored some singers to greet travelers at Heathrow International Airport. Further proof that life is better with music.

NFL and Other Thoughts

2010-11-23T15:34:00.000-05:00

Between Vince Young, the Pats squeaking one out against the Colts, and Brad Childress being fired much too late, the alternate working title for the NFL Postmortem this week would have been 'Drama Queens'.

- Let's tackle Vince Young first (Get it? Tackle? Football?). Here is VY's last season and a half.

Last season Young gets hurt, disappears, and the Titans put out an Amber Alert on him when he goes missing. There is seemingly legitimate concern that Young could be suicidal. He's found safe (although there is some confusion regarding whether he had a loaded gun with him) and he later comments to the papers that he was never suicidal and doesn't know what the big deal is.

Over the summer, Young is the centerpiece of an ESPN the Magazine article about how he's turned the corner, is relaxed and more centered than ever. He celebrates his new 'centeredness' by brawling for seemingly no good reason with security guards or bouncers at a nightclub (or something). All of this is caught on film.

Now Sunday arrives and Young, in what seems like an angry tirade, throws his jersey (and possibly shoulder pads) into the crowd after being booed by his home fans and being told he wouldn't be re-entering the game by Jeff Fisher. Young explains that he was simply handing his jersey to the daughter of a Titans' executive but that hardly meshes with his post game tirade to Fisher when he reportedly walks out on his team and his coach.

And, conveniently, of course, he is now out for the remainder of the season because he needs thumb surgery.

Look, I can't claim to know what Vince Young is like, but all evidence points to him being one of the following:

A: Severely immature
B: Pampered since the day he was born
C: Battling some intense emotional issues that have yet to be addressed
D: All of the above

If the Titans are smart, they get Young into counselling and make him keep at it until next season starts. Whatever is going on there needs to be addressed before things spiral out of control. Maybe Young will refuse, but let's hope he views this as an opportunity rather than an insult.

- Brad Childress finally paid the ultimate price for riding the coat tails of an aging, egotistical, deluded, interception happy quarterback. Frankly, this is way over due. When anyone creates sympathy for Randy Moss (and, yes, Childress handled that terribly considering what Favre puts him through) there is a serious problem.

- Two of my proudest moments of the football season occurred this past weekend. I stuck with Ryan Fitzpatrick over Kyle Orton in fantasy and - in a packed bar no less - called the Peyton Manning game ending interception just before it happened. Love looking smart because it happens so infrequently.

- Do the Manning brothers practice that 'What the fuck just happened?' shrug? You know that two arms out and hands up when they've just thrown an interception? Is it hereditary? Anyone know if Archie Manning did it during his playing days? Was glad to see the Peyton 'unsnap the helmet in disgust' move return Sunday, as well. Always enjoy that.

- When you are a parent all sense of self worth and ego are destroyed as soon as your child learns to speak. My youngest son comes up to me, pats my belly and says 'You need to go back to the gym, daddy'. Fuckin' kids!

- He is correct, however, as I have been slacking since I broke my toes back in August. Nowhere near what I was a few years ago, but I'm taking this long Thanksgiving break to get my ass back in gear. Ass, you have been warned. You, too, gut.

- My oldest son wants one thing and one thing only this Christmas: A cell phone. Wifey and I have been going back and forth about this since his birthday in June when he asked for the same thing. He's 10 years old going on 20, so I think he'll be responsible enough with it, I just don't want to spend a fortune on something that he'll probably lose or break before he turns 11.

- I am in a pickle - a conundrum even - about what to do with Miles Austin. On one hand he's been putting up decent numbers with Kitna. On the other he caught 2 passes for a grand total of 7 yards against Detroit, but both were touchdowns. He's no longer the prime deep threat with Dez Bryant's coming out party still in full swing. Still, how do I justify starting Austin when he's been targeted only five times in the past two weeks? It's feast of famine with him, I guess.

- Can we all agree that Philly is the best team in the NFC? I actually think they may be the best team in the entire NFL. They can run, pass, improvise with Vick, and play defense with the best of them. Going to be tough to take them down. Good thing Andy Reid is still there to blow the next playoff game.

- Hey, you think the new Vikings coach will give the ball to Adrian Peterson more often? Maybe taking the ball out of Favre's hands and putting it into Peterson's would be a good idea.

- Would it surprise anyone if Favre suddenly went on a tear and didn't throw another interception for the rest of the year? It's no secret he didn't like Childress, so maybe his play this year was a perverted way to get rid of him. Nah, chances are Favre just sucks.

- I would like to thank Apple for once again completely fucking me over with iTunes. I changed computers because my last one shit the bed. Since I couldn't 'deauthorize' the iTunesiPod dies, I'm not getting another one. I'm getting a standard MP3 player and getting out from Apple's thumb for good. Fuck you, Jobs!

- Why is everyone so up in arms about this airport security? I've gone through one of those body scanners with no hesitation and no ill effects. In fact I got a lovely smile from the female attendant. For those of you who feel violated or ashamed take the fucking train or drive. Just don't fly. This way you won't feel uncomfortable and I won't have pissy people in my way. It's win - win.

I have a feeling this is - once again - a small but vocal minority making waves about an issue the rest of us couldn't give two shits about. But, if by some twist of fate, these people really are against this and need to fly, I have a suggestion. One airplane per day, in every airport around the country will have absolutely no security screening at all. Just walking through the metal detectors is the extent of it. No pat downs, no body scans, no back ground checks.

If these people really don't want to deal with the aggravation they can join all the other people on that plane. I wonder how many would actually get on that plane.

I, for one, just want to go where I need to without worrying about getting blown out of the sky. For that, I will gladly stand still for 5 seconds to confirm the size of my junk and that I have no explosives shoved up my ass.

- I've recently switched over to using Google Chrome for my web browser and can't praise it enough. It's faster, more stable and cleaner than Internet Explorer (which seems to crash on nearly every site I visit now). How can Microsoft screw up something as simple as web browsing?

- Word is it the Tigers are going to sign Victor Martinez. You know what? I could care less. He seemed like a decent enough guy and was ok with the bat, but why would you sign a catcher that can't throw any runners out and goes through long slumps throughout the season? Be curious to see how much he soaked Detroit for. No big loss for the Sox here.

- While we're on the subject, anyone else excited to see the Yankees over pay for Cliff Lee? Should be happening any minute now.

- Apparently, Joe Paterno is going to coach until he dies in the middle of a game. My question is who has been waiting in the wings for Papa Joe to finally retire only to be sitting in the same spot for the past 70 years. That has to be frustrating.

Let's wrap this up with some Thanksgiving wishes:

DA, continue on your path to happiness and don't let that new number you arrive at tomorrow bother you. You still look fab, I'm sure.

Jum, here's hoping the Jayhawks rebound from the dismal showing in last year's March Madness. That and the Chiefs fire Todd Haley so you can enjoy a live NFL playoff game this season.

10 and wife, cram in as much sleep and sex as you can before your new family member arrives.

Bigs, with Childress gone I can now only hope Favre's arm comes flying off in a bloody, yet satisfying end to his bloated career. Oh, and 2011 will be the year of the Twins. I'm calling it now.

Trib, get back on the blogging bandwagon, will ya? I'll have some new music to discuss next week, as well.

French, sorry dude, but the link to your dormant blog comes down today. When you hit nearly a year without a new entry, you've depleted even my false sense of hope. Hope things are well.

AR, I'll be getting that new music to you as soon as I can. Promise!!!

Everyone else, thanks for reading and have a great weekend. Rest assured I'll be drunk more than half the time. That's what happens when I spend a lot of time with family.

Today's distraction: Allow me to introduce you to DESTRUTOTRUCK!!!!!

Booby Trapped

2010-11-19T16:53:00.001-05:00

Here is how the computer situation works in my house:

I get a new computer from work - usually a laptop. My old laptop filters down to Wifey who - by this point - is in dire need of an upgrade. In this case her old laptop, which was my old OLD laptop, was so excruciatingly slow I would scream at it in frustration.

Enter my current new laptop with Windows 7 and lightning fast speed. Exit my old one. Since I'm handy with technical gizmos, I managed to get Windows 7 on my old one and it's running fabulously. Everyone is happy.

But, as is often the case, nothing is ever simple. In this particular case Wifey has approximately two billion digital pictures on her old one that needed to be transferred. This project was also hampered by Wifey's inability to answer seeming simple questions. For example 'Well, where are the pictures on the old laptop?'

'I dunno, I just open up the Kodak software and there they are!'

I should point out that Wifey tends to get defensive about things she doesn't know. As if my simply asking the question is an accusation. Keep this in mind later in this story.

Off I go searching for the photos. For a while she had me convinced they were actually incorporated into the Kodak software. 'Wait, did you put them on the internet? Maybe you just need to login to the Kodak site and they'll be available to you again?'

'Maybe, I don't remember.'

'Do you remember uploading them?'

'No, I didn't put them on the internet because you told me never to do that.'

Note: I tell her not to put pictures up on Facebook as well, but she throws things up there willy nilly.

Anyway, I spend a few minutes tracking down the pictures, plug in my USB drive to copy them and open up the folder in which they reside. They're organized by date and equal about 4 gazillion gigabytes. It might be time to buy her a server to hold all this shit.

I start the copy process and notice - much to my surprise and confusion - a pair of breasts staring me in the face. I double take, blink a few times, rub my eyes, open only to see the same two tits still there. Yes, they are my wife's. When you see a set of honkers every day for fifteen years, you know them like the back of your hand.

There was no doubt these were a picture of Wifey's boobs. Besides, the necklace I gave her for Christmas a few years ago was plainly visible.

As you can imagine, several scenarios jump to mind.

Is she having an affair? Was this taken for the boyfriend?

Was she attempting to send the pic to me? She's not the most technological savvy person in the world so maybe she got stuck after the initial 'take the picture and get it on the computer' part?

Was this for medical reasons?

While the other photos copy I debate the wisdom of confronting her. It is her laptop, after all and she doesn't take to questioning very well. Besides, do I really want the answers to what I'm about to ask?

Fuck yeah, I do.

The copying finishes, I motion Wifey over and ask simply 'Uh?????' while pointing at her naked chest.

She turns bright red and exclaims 'Shit, I thought I had deleted that!' which really didn't help my frame of mind. She continues to tell me that Oprah had a show on boobs (my words, not hers) and she suggested that every woman take a photo of their own tits so they can take a good look at them. Wifey explained to me why this was suggested, but I was staring at bare breasts and only half understood what the point was.

Besides, Oprah, why a picture? We have these things called mirrors and they've worked very well for centuries. Not like women's breasts are on their backs! If they were, men would invest more time into slow dancing.

Some lessons learned:

1: Wifey will do anything Oprah tells her to do. This frightens me more than the possibility of her having an affair with some strange, disease ridden dude. I am now terrified that Oprah's last show will be a command for women to murder every man on the face of the planet. Men, start taking up arms.

2: My eldest son could have been traumatized off women forever if things went differently. He had been sharing the laptop with Wifey for playing games online and could have very easily seen this picture.

3: I have to admit, I was disappointed the picture wasn't for me.

4: Wifey still has a nice rack even after two kids and 40 years on earth.

Sadly, I tried talking her into letting me use it for the background on my phone but she was having none of it.

Pity.

Today's distraction: I just spent the last two days playing my way through this game. It's called Blosics 2 and it will make the holiday slow season much more tolerable.

Enjoy your weekends.